A bit of humour

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(This joke sounds a lot better read by Shane Bourne of Hey Hey It's Saturday fame...)

A sergeant was addressing his squad, [shouting] "COMPANY!! ATTENTION! NEWS FOR A COUPLE OF YOU! HARRIS, YOUR DOG DAISY HAS GIVEN BIRTH TO A LITTER! JOHNSON, YOUR DAD HAS DIED! THAT IS ALL - DISMISSED!!"

A colonel was witnessing all of this, and after the squad was dismissed, asked the sergeant to step into his office.

"Sergeant, I appreciate everything you do for the squad. However, the news you shared with Johnson, it is rather personal in nature. I think it would be better next time to maybe use some discretion and break news like this in a more diplomatic way."

Two weeks later, the colonel advised the sergeant that Johnson's mother had passed away. "Now, remember what we discussed in the office a couple of weeks ago."

The sergeant replies, "SIR! NOT TO WORRY - I KNOW EXACTLY WHAT TO DO!"

The sergeant appears before his squad. "COMPANY!! ATTENTION! THOSE OF YOU WHO HAVE AT LEAST ONE LIVING PARENT, FALL INTO THREE LINES TO MY FAR LEFT."

...

"JOHNSON! WHERE DO YOU THINK YOU'RE GOING?!"
 
During one practice session, the captain of a Victorian country cricket team notices a horse leaning on the fence watching them.

"Can I help you there?" asks the captain. "Yeah, I'd like to try out for the team," the horse replies.

"Get lost - horses can't play cricket," the captain huffs. "Well," says the horse, "I can - give us a go and I'll show you."

The captain is skeptical but lets the horse in and gives him a bat and the strike. The bowler comes in... and the horse hits him for a six. He repeats this five more times. The captain is astounded.

"Perfect 36 off the over - that's fantastic. Welcome aboard!"

Next Saturday, the captain and the horse are the opening batsmen, with the horse on strike. Just like in the practice, the horse hits a perfect 36 off the first over.

Before the second over commences, the captain says to the horse, "I'll just hit a single so we can change ends."

First ball of the second over, the captain successfully hits a ball for an easy change of ends. He runs up towards the horse's end but notices the horse is just leaning on his bat and not moving at all. Realising, he darts back to his end, but it's too late - the wicketkeeper has taken the bales off and he's out.

As he walks back to the benches, he growls at the horse, "You idiot - why didn't you run?"

"Come off it," replies the horse, "If I could run, I'd be at Flemington!"
 
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