The vegan hating meat loving chef is an excellent example of an oxymoron.
Now to lighten the mood a little, I could not pass on the opporutunity to guess where your nickname comes from. You love posting, hopefully you can guess the amount of subtle references in the story below. I've got a little time between now and entrée and a pinot as an opener so here's my take on this story about a Dirty white Boy.
A long standing chef, Alex Lambert at the Littleover Lodge Hotel in Derby was feeling cold as ice one particular night preparing the food for his guest diners. He had no time for head games, the restaurant was fully booked and with a few special guests including a soul doctor and a juke box hero, Alex knew that this didn't feel like the first time. Some guests travelled hundreds of miles to dine, for them it was a long,long way from home. He had to stay cool, and keep his sous chefs from breaking in pieces as well. They can't slow down now he was thinking.
Fussy patrons enjoying the night life really set Alex off especially as they were often hot blooded but this particular night, a female patron asked for an urgent vegan augbergine burger with a spicy 'love' relish. Alex had been waiting for a girl like her for ages, and because he had never previously tasted his vegan dishes, tonight was going to be different. I'll get even with you before it's too late Alex was thinking but he really wanted to know what 'love' is. Was Alex living in a dream , was he ready , was he just lonely because he surely was not going to be an angel tonight. He was like a man possessed but this posh diner struck a cord in him that reminded Alex of growing up the hard way. No silver spoon ever entered Alex's mouth, surely these two were from different worlds. He stuck his finger in the spicy relish and immediately he had double vision. So spaced out Alex became that he thought he was living in a dream. Too late for his act of gross misbehaviour? No I can't give up now, I am not a stranger in my own house he thought, I am a fantastic head chef who can make anything taste the way he wanted it to. He could fool diners with his creativity. Dog poo could taste like chocolate éclair with a little bit of tomfoolery and culinary imagination. Divine in pink flamingos was his inspiration for that recipe.
This was no dream, this was no john waters movie, this was a way of getting back at Luanne, the vegan customer who was waiting patiently for her main course to arrive whilst enjoying a glass of Pimms number five. Luanne was not lonely tonight as she was having dinner with her brother. They arrived on his Harley Davidson, he being the starrider. Get even with you he thought. Tomorrow for her will start with a blue morning, a blue day. Shifty Alex started preparing some ultra soft eye fillet to masquerade as aubergine. Dicing it, mashing it, squashing it, rolling it, Alex created the perfect imposter dish. garnished and dressed in that 'love' relish, it would be enough to distract a red nosed bloodhound of its line. The meal went out with a waiter and alex was anxiously waiting for a reaction to his action. As long as I live, no one would ever know. I'll be home tonight laughing my head off afterwards Alex thought. As he looked from his fortress out the back, the ruse seemed to be working well. Luanne was nearly two thirds finished when an almighty scream echoed throughout the littleover lodge hotel. Too little, too late. Luanne was ready. Ready to go to the media. And we know how that all turned out thanks to foreigner. That was yesterday.