One Hancock, One Harridan and too much Habromania

[TonyHancock]

After what felt like a lifetime I headed down to Heathrow Airport to begin my journey home to Melbourne. Unusually the weather was quite pleasant and I was able to take some time to head into central London. Griselda had discovered that the flashing of A British Airways Gold guest List Card whilst in possession of an Express Saver ticket, enable one to sit in Business First. Whilst I had no great desire to go into London the prospect of sitting in the posh carriage appealed to my sense of importance.


Business First on The Heathrow Express

Despite my protestations Griselda had continued to book me into the Hilton Garden Inn and after my trip into London I decided to venture to the nearest public house.

“Turn left, cross the road and keep walking” Griselda was providing route guidance to The Green Man.

“Are they expecting me?” I asked

“err...err well it is not that sort of place.” She replied with a sigh.

I finally found “The Green Man” and walked to the bar and ordered a pint of their finest ale. There were eight people in the pub two of whom were drunk females from Greece if their shouting was to be believed. I wondered if I had stumbled upon the female binge drinking crisis I had read about.

“Miss Pugh, please can you call the air traffic control tower at Heathrow Airport and have them organise the aeroplanes to land from the other end of the airport?” I asked hopefully.



“I’ll try Mr Hancock but I am not sure I will get anywhere.” She unhelpfully responded.

Once again I was left wondering what I nearly paid Griselda for. The constant noise of aeroplanes coming into land was dreadful. What on earth were they thinking when they built this place next to the airport?

After suffering the indignity of travelling on London Underground to Terminal 5 it was not long before I found myself tucking into yet another Concorde Room breakfast before boarding a British Airways aeroplane bound for some far off place in Norway. Oddly enough this was the seventh time I had flown this particular aircraft this year, I recognised it by the little plaque about the Historic Dockyard at Chatham.

The whole Norway thing was becoming a bit of a bore, it was taking six hours of Concorde Room out of my life, and the transfer process at Heathrow Airport was quite awful, one was almost better off re-entering Blighty and then using the First Class Wing to get back into the Concorde Room. :shock:


The tranquility of the Concorde Room Terrace

An early dinner, a couple of clarets, and then a spot at the bar where Lucilla prepared her magnificent martinis was the order of the day. Lucilla, as ever, did not disappoint she makes a truly excellent Dry Martini.

Once again I was flying First Class, as of course I should be, all the way to Sydney and then Business Class to Melbourne. As I boarded the aeroplane a rather attractive young stewardess was called forth to escort me to my seat. I am not sure where she went but I turned left and popped my bag in the overhead locker and sat down, she appeared from the front of cabin 30 seconds later. I still find it quite odd that it is so difficult to find one of only 14 seats in First Class but this is a regular occurrence in my extensive experience. :?:



I must admit I do sleep well in First Class, particularly after the odd Dry Martini, bottle or two of Claret, a ccouple of Late Bottled Vintage Ports, and a Single Malt or two. We were landing in Singapore before I knew it and a glass or two of Claret in the empty Concorde Room Bar perked me up a treat.



On the flight to Sydney I had a change of habit and opted for the Fish as a main course. The Sauvignon Blanc was quite an excellent accompaniment – both bottles in fact.

I had used all of my transfer luck at Satan’s own airport, and despite catching the train and racing to the Qantas Business lounge I was unable to catch an earlier flight to Melbourne.

Disappointingly the bar was not open in the lounge and I had to make do with a cup of tea.

At least this time I would have eight days at home before my next trip overseas.

TTFN

 

[andye]

Griselda has checked my account and informs me that I have accumulated 17,895 of something she calls Tier Points. Apparently one needs 35,000 to achieve Lifetime Gold. She also informs me I collected my first Tier Point in December 2014. I have no idea what all of that means of course.

It means by 2020 you'll never have to worry about getting into the RSL again. Better invest in a lifetime supply of flip-flops and vests

 

[TonyHancock]

“Miss Pugh, surely there has to be a better hotel than the Holiday Inn?” I was at the Melbourne airport Holiday Inn yet again.

“Mr Hancock, there is the Park Royal but it is expensive and you are not an elite member of their rewards program.

I was going nowhere with this so settled back on the bed with a large glass of Claret. For the fourth time this year I was heading to China in Premium Economy, what had I done to deserve this ignominy? At least this time I would not have take any domestic economy flights in China.

Eggs Benedict with smoked salmon…….etc etc etc. At just after 05:20 AM the Qantas [-]RSL[/-] First Class Lounge was almost empty. It was the calm before the storm of Platinumus Entitilus arrived, destined for Los Angeles or New Zealand. I hoped the bar staff had stocked up on Bintang. In only an hour or so the deluge would begin and the lounge would become quite unpleasant.


The calm before the storm.

As we began our approach into Hong Kong I prepared myself for a quick dash to The Pier first Class Lounge and an early dinner and before my flight to Shanghai. I was rather hoping mince beef soup with tofu was on the menu as a starter.

“Mr Hancock, Mr Hancock, I have some bad news.” Griselda had presumably been tracking my flight and called before we reached the gate.

“Oh what now.” I though but daren’t say

“The flight to Shanghai has been delayed.” She blurted out.

On the face of it this was no bad thing, and extra hour or two in The Pier is never a bad thing.

“Mr Hancock it is really bad…the delay is fifteen and a half hours.” She continued :shock:

OK so this was quite bad.

“You will need to see ground staff when you disembark and they will advise the course of action to be taken.” Griselda was nothing if not formal, either that or she was reading a prepared statement.

A rather lovely lady, who was most apologetic as she handed over a voucher providing one night’s stay, plus dinner, at the Regal Airport Hotel, greeted me.

“Miss Pugh I have a voucher for the airport hotel, can you cancel my first night at the Hilton in Shanghai and also negotiate a club room at The Regal Hotel please.” I was thinking on my feet.

By the time I had walked to The Regal Griselda had completed her tasks with a degree of success. She had failed to obtain a Club Room for free but had managed to cancel the night in Shanghai without charge.

I rather like the club lounge at The Regal, it is on the eleventh floor and gives some rather lovely views over the water. The bar is well stocked and the food offerings quite acceptable.

“Miss Pugh, when you were negotiating my stay in a club room did anyone tell you that the club lounge is closed? I was in a state of shock

“Mr Hancock the lounge has temporarily been relocated to the ground floor” she responded quickly.

I headed down to the temporary lounge, which looked and felt exactly that. With other guests wandering past a staring it made the Qantas [-]RSL[/-] First class Lounge appear sophisticated. The only good news was the availability of Spitfire Ale a perfect beer to toast the German family on the table opposite.


Achtung Spitfire!

Breakfast in the Pier first class Lounge was acceptable but not as good as the Qantas or British Airways lounges.


Passengers in the bulkhead rows didn't want to use that space anyway. :shock:

Arrival into Shanghai followed a familiar pattern, further delays on approach, a long taxi, and of course a remote stand and dreadful livestock truck journey. The situation was exacerbated by the inability of ground staff to move stairs up to the aircraft.


Will someone please move all of that stuff.


Something you don't see everyday!

Fortunately my trip was only a couple of nights now so I would soon be back home.

TTFN

On the next episode of One Hancock, One Harridan and too much Habromania Tony Hancock returns to Melbourne and there is a sad farewell to an old favourite.

 

[TonyHancock]

The long journey home began with a taxi journey from the Hilton Hongqiao to Pudong Airport. If I never see a Volkswagen Santana again it will be too soon.

Cathay Pacific, or The Swire Group, as I know them as, has the distinct advantage of its own lounge at Pudong Airport Terminal 2. Admittedly it is as luxurious as a regional Qantas club, but compared to the distinct awfulness of the alternatives it is almost heavenly.

“Mr Hancock, just to keep you up to date the aircraft that you will be flying to Hong Kong on was an hour late departing for Shanghai” Griselda actually sounded like she was trying to be helpful.

How did she know this I wondered? Did she have links with some sort of secret service agencies, had she penetrated the very inner sanctum of air traffic control? It was a mystery to me. :?:

Her information was confirmed as the lady behind the lounge reception desk announced a one and a half hour delay. Ho Hum!

The delay turned into two hours as we spent a further uncomfortable 30 minutes on the aeroplane but not moving.

Having stuffed myself with ready salted crisps in the lounge I declined the meal service and settled back with a G&T in a plastic cup like thing.

More woe at Hong Kong as we finished up on a remote stand and once more suffered the indignity of the livestock truck, which of course offloaded us at just about the furthest point from The Pier it could.

“Miss Pugh, please will you contact Mr Slosar at Swire and have him organise my Melbourne flight to depart from gate 63 tonight please” I was quite assertive.

I cleared security without the need for my tweezers to be handed over, an unlikely first for me at Hong Kong, and headed to The Pier.

“Mr Hancock, good news, your flight will depart from gate 65" Griselda seemed pleased with herself.

Not perfect but at least it was just a brief walk from the Pier Lounge. At last something was going right.

After the mince beef and tofu soup and the traditional burger I relaxed with a dry martini and readied myself for the hell that is premium economy.


Man cannot live on Burgers alone...or can he?

As the final door closed I heaved a sigh of relief and quickly placed my jacket in the vacant seat next to me. The Swire Group, whilst not fully realising who I was, had at least eliminated a seatmate for me. I declined the meal service partook of a G&T and then slept for 6 hours.


The hell that is Premium Economy.

I collected my car from The Holiday Inn and headed for the city. I had a meeting in the city the next day and Griselda suggested it might be best to stay over at The Hilton. I was too tired to argue the point and agreed, even though I had yet to work out how to extract this extravagant expense from Griselda.

“Mr Hancock, this will be your last stay there, it is changing to a Pan Pacific hotel and they don’t know you at all.” Griselda informed me. :shock:

This was terrible news; I had grown fond of The Hilton at South wharf. We had had our differences, like the short executive lounge hours over the Christmas period, the dreadful red win in the executive lounge, and the failure to upgrade me once, but overall I had enjoyed the two bedroom suites, Relaxtion suites, and Yarra suites over the years.



I raised a glass of Chateau Merde, or whatever dire shiraz was on offer in the lounge, one last time to an old faithful and mourned the sad loss.

So it was with a tear in my eye that I left The Hilton South Wharf for the last time, and I looked back over my shoulder one last time as I set off to the city.

My meeting ended mid afternoon, which at face value was good, but in reality it left me fighting the abysmal road system that I now believed had been designed by someone from Satan’s own city – Sydney. No right thinking Melburnian would create such an utter disaster of a road system.

That first Dry Martini was most welcome when I finally reached home.

With no overseas trips confirmed until October life was looking much better, even the jaunt up to Brisbane in just over a week didn’t seem so bad.

TTFN

 

[drron]

What a mammoth month of travel.
I dips my lid.I couldn't have survived and retained a sense of humour.

 

[TonyHancock]

What a mammoth month of travel.

18 days at home between March 30th and June 30th :shock:

Griselda's torture attempt did not break me.

 

[drron]

I take it all back then.
2015-13 nights at home.:shock:
2016-up to 42 nights at home.
Going to be a lot more this year though.
Of course at least half the nights away are just pure leisure.

 

[Andyzx]

Fortunately the Tylenol PM tablets Griselda had packed for me sent me to sleep.

I was unsure about this line for 2 reasons
I wondered about why Prof H would need afternoon Tylenol or heaven forbid pre-menstrual Tylenol so I giggled it.
It turns out that Tylenol PM(TM) has side effects.

[FONT=&amp]Do not take more of this medication than is recommended. An overdose of acetaminophen can damage your liver or cause death.[/FONT]
[FONT=&amp]Avoid drinking alcohol. It may increase your risk of liver damage while taking acetaminophen.[/FONT]

So I wondered why Miss Pugh would pack such an obvious thing.... I haven't and I wouldn't suggest that Miss Pugh was in any way trying to run foul of the exulted Professor H but I am thinking the favorite form of MURDER by a femme fatale is poison.
So I am now awaiting a sudden change if the writings of TonyHancock Esq. praising the virtues of the now infamous Miss Pugh!

 

[OATEK]

Thanks for another great read!

 

[love_the_life]

What a mammoth month of travel.
I dips my lid.I couldn't have survived and retained a sense of humour.

He has a sense of humour? I thought it was hysteria

 

[TonyHancock]

He has a sense of humour? I thought it was hysteria

Habromania!

 

[love_the_life]

......

On the next episode of One Hancock, One Harridan and too much Habromania Tony Hancock returns to Melbourne and there is a sad farewell to an old favourite.

Oh you cheeky professor. I thought you meant Griselda was bidding you goodbye at last

 

[TonyHancock]

Oh you cheeky professor. I thought you meant Griselda was bidding you goodbye at last

:shock: The loss of Hilton South Wharf is far more distressing!

 

[love_the_life]

Habromania!

True but that is more a morbid or delusional insanity manifesting itself in the appearance of cheerfulness.

:shock: The loss of Hilton South Wharf is far more distressing!

I hope you read andyzx' post regarding a suspicion that Griselda may be out to extract revenge and can temper your view about the relative distress caused by the loss.

 

[OATEK]

Habromania!

Also described as "grin (madly) and bear it"!!

 

[cambriamarsh]

Such stamina, such focus, you are truly an example to us all (in a good way). Seriously, thanks for letting us mere mortals have an insight into the efforts our superiors make to show us the way to true enlightenment.

I am not worthy.

 

[coriander]

It turns out that Tylenol PM(TM) has side effects.

Acetaminophen is called paracetamol (ie Panadol, Panamax, etc) in Australia.

 

[drron]

Indeed and in the States the PM version has an older antihistamine added to the paracetamol.I find it an excellent sedative as my insomnia is usually due to aches and pains or sinus problems and sometimes both.
The dose of paracetamol needed to cause liver failure is a lot more than 2 capsules.In fact in guidelines the preferred analgesic in people with liver failure is half dose paracetamol.

So rather than trying to end the life of her dear boss the magnificent Griselda was merely trying to ensure him a much better sleep in premium economy than he would otherwise would have had.What a lovely lady.

 

[TonyHancock]

Indeed and in the States the PM version has an older antihistamine added to the paracetamol.I find it an excellent sedative as my insomnia is usually due to aches and pains or sinus problems and sometimes both.
The dose of paracetamol needed to cause liver failure is a lot more than 2 capsules.In fact in guidelines the preferred analgesic in people with liver failure is half dose paracetamol.

So rather than trying to end the life of her dear boss the magnificent Griselda was merely trying to ensure him a much better sleep in premium economy than he would otherwise would have had.What a lovely lady.

Love it!

 

[love_the_life]

Indeed and in the States the PM version has an older antihistamine added to the paracetamol.I find it an excellent sedative as my insomnia is usually due to aches and pains or sinus problems and sometimes both.
The dose of paracetamol needed to cause liver failure is a lot more than 2 capsules.In fact in guidelines the preferred analgesic in people with liver failure is half dose paracetamol.

So rather than trying to end the life of her dear boss the magnificent Griselda was merely trying to ensure him a much better sleep in premium economy than he would otherwise would have had.What a lovely lady.

So does this mean that TH can continue his usual treatment of Griselda?