Qantas pilot reports (and some birds)

[sinophile888]

This was forwarded to me today by a colleague.

Subject: Qantas pilot reports (and some birds)
After every flight, QANTAS pilots fill out a form, known as a 'gripe sheet' to tell mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics fix the problem, and then document their repairs on the form.
Here are some actual maintenance problems submitted by the pilots (marked with a 'P') and the solutions recorded (marked by an 'S') by maintenance engineers, who by the way have a sense of humour:
P: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.
S: Left inside main tyre almost replaced.

P: Test flight OK, auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in coughpit.
S: Something tightened in coughpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back order.

P: Auto pilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Can't reproduce problem on the ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspect crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in coughpit.
S: Cat installed in coughpit.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

 

[opusman]

I think jb747 (who doesn't appear to have much of a sense of humour) has already dismissed many of these as a hanging offence

 

[sinophile888]

I just enjoyed them immensely without believing a word of it. One would hardly dare to fly if these were serious. But they sure are funny.

 

[Daver6]

One I recall that is a true story given my cousin was a SO in the coughpit and I was a pax on board. Approaching Singapore they had a bird strike. They reported this to the tower who proceeded to ask "what part of the bird did you hit". The response "all of it"

 

[JohnK]

Very funny. Don't understand why a pilot wouldn't find them funny.

 

[coriander]

Very funny. Don't understand why a pilot wouldn't find them funny.

That list is not new, being at least 10-15 years old. I guess every pilot has heard them over and over and is thus "over" them.
It's like people who find my real name uproariously funny and feel the need to crack what they think is a clever play on words - after 60 years, it's "yeah, whatever".