Trans-Tasman Disaster!

[Skyring]

You know, I wasn't going to bother with a simple "there-and-back-again" trip report from Canberra to Auckland, Qantas all the way. But on completion, I decided that the best trip reports are those where things go off the rails, and this one did, for sure.

So, for those with a good memory, my last trip report was about my journey to Scotland and back, the highlight business class flights between Bangkok and Helsinki.

Lots of photos, lots of fun, a few new experiences and a firm convert to Finnair's "no-recline" business seats.

Read it here - it's a long multi-part effort.

That left me as QFF Lifetime Silver at 590 SC for the membership year with 110 to reach SG and the happy realm of lounge access and splendid gold wankery. I've spent many years as Platinum in the past and that was excellent but Gold is next best and it would be nice to reach those dizzying heights once more.

Did I have any flights coming up before the end of my membership year? As it happened, one or possibly two trips to New Zealand.

Could I engineer that first trip into 110+ status credits?

Certainly! Flying Economy would get me twice 10 + 25 credits leaving me 40 short. If I flew the Canberra-Sydney leg return in Business, I'd earn 130 SC for the whole trip but the Canberra flights are often in smaller planes with no Business cabin and FFS what's the point anyway? Sometimes these flights are half an hour and apart from a bit of lounge access and some extra legroom, it doesn't matter where you sit.

Screw it. Return flights from Canberra to Auckland would cost me about two thousand dollars in Business and one thousand in Economy. I entered Business in my search and with a bit of hunting around to find flights that worked for my timings, I found these:

Canberra to Melbourne – QF 1511 - Boeing 717 40SC
Oct 13, 6:05 AM–7:15 AM

Melbourne to Auckland – QF 151 - Boeing 737 80SC
Oct 13, 9:20 AM–2:55 PM

Auckland to Sydney – QF 148 - Airbus A33 80SC
Oct 15, 5:25 PM–7:10 PM

Sydney to Canberra – QF 1455 - Dash-8 10SC (no business cabin on a Dash-8)
Oct 15, 9:05 PM–10:00 PM

I needed to get to and from Waiheke Island in Auckland Habour (where the gathering was being held) and with the welcome dinner at 1730 on Friday 13 and the farewell brunch at 1000 on Sunday 15, my timings were fairly tight, given that I'd have to take ferries to Waiheke and back, and I needed to be home by Monday morning at the absolute latest.

This worked and worked well. My first two flights would lift me to SG and everything after that was gravy. I'd even have lounge access in Sydney on the way back, waiiting for my Dash-8 flight, assuming no delays and a smooth transfer.

That was the plan …

 

[MARTINE]

And….Go on…. We’re listening….

 

[Seat0B]

…but it didn’t go to plan??

 

[MARTINE]

You know, I wasn't going to bother with a simple "there-and-back-again" trip report from Canberra to Auckland, Qantas all the way. But on completion, I decided that the best trip reports are those where things go off the rails, and this one did, for sure.

So, for those with a good memory, my last trip report was about my journey to Scotland and back, the highlight business class flights between Bangkok and Helsinki.

Lots of photos, lots of fun, a few new experiences and a firm convert to Finnair's "no-recline" business seats.

Read it here - it's a long multi-part effort.

That left me as QFF Lifetime Silver at 590 SC for the membership year with 110 to reach SG and the happy realm of lounge access and splendid gold wankery. I've spent many years as Platinum in the past and that was excellent but Gold is next best and it would be nice to reach those dizzying heights once more.

Did I have any flights coming up before the end of my membership year? As it happened, one or possibly two trips to New Zealand.

Could I engineer that first trip into 110+ status credits?

Certainly! Flying Economy would get me twice 10 + 25 credits leaving me 40 short. If I flew the Canberra-Sydney leg return in Business, I'd earn 130 SC for the whole trip but the Canberra flights are often in smaller planes with no Business cabin and FFS what's the point anyway? Sometimes these flights are half an hour and apart from a bit of lounge access and some extra legroom, it doesn't matter where you sit.

Screw it. Return flights from Canberra to Auckland would cost me about two thousand dollars in Business and one thousand in Economy. I entered Business in my search and with a bit of hunting around to find flights that worked for my timings, I found these:

Canberra to Melbourne – QF 1511 - Boeing 717 40SC
Oct 13, 6:05 AM–7:15 AM

Melbourne to Auckland – QF 151 - Boeing 737 80SC
Oct 13, 9:20 AM–2:55 PM

Auckland to Sydney – QF 148 - Airbus A33 80SC
Oct 15, 5:25 PM–7:10 PM

Sydney to Canberra – QF 1455 - Dash-8 10SC (no business cabin on a Dash-8)
Oct 15, 9:05 PM–10:00 PM

I needed to get to and from Waiheke Island in Auckland Habour (where the gathering was being held) and with the welcome dinner at 1730 on Friday 13 and the farewell brunch at 1000 on Sunday 15, my timings were fairly tight, given that I'd have to take ferries to Waiheke and back, and I needed to be home by Monday morning at the absolute latest.

This worked and worked well. My first two flights would lift me to SG and everything after that was gravy. I'd even have lounge access in Sydney on the way back, waiiting for my Dash-8 flight, assuming no delays and a smooth transfer.

That was the plan …

Are you in a holding pattern but soon to land this plane?… you have whet our appetite… juice better be worth the squeeze @Skyring

 

[Skyring]

Are you in a holding pattern but soon to land this plane?… you have whet our appetite… juice better be worth the squeeze @Skyring

Ah, wasn't sure anybody was listening, Best get this done before the NaNoWriMo madness begins.

 

[Flyfrequently]

Ah, wasn't sure anybody was listening, Best get this done before the NaNoWriMo madness begins.

I'm along for the ride @Skyring - how could one not be, with Disaster in the title!

 

[MARTINE]

Ah, wasn't sure anybody was listening, Best get this done before the NaNoWriMo madness begins.

Once upon a time…..

 

[Skyring]

Hitting the dark road​

With a flight out of Canberra at 0605, my memory inevitably turned to the beginning of my last trip, when I'd been a bit rushed, at a loose end, and the fog had threatened to jeopardise my jaunt.

This time I got it right. Out of the door at 0430, Uber a couple of minutes away, a pleasant chap in a nice hybrid car who likely covered several of the Uber sub-brands and not best pleased to get my base-grade bottom-of-the-line request which could just as likely have gotten me a Chinese MG, driver to match.

This guy - Sanjay - chauffeured me all the way to the Virgin entrance indulging my chatter about my own Uber-driving days when it had still been possible to make a few dollars and have a bit of fun. "Five star ride!" I told him and helped bump up his almost perfect average a little more.

Virgin. Huh.

Lucky this place isn't too big. Another twenty metres to walk.

There was one queue at the as-yet-unmanned checkin counters and while I eyed the priority line I joined the common herd, at least until some wanker stood self-importantly in the prime spot and then I sighed, "There's always one!" and lined up behind him.

Checkin commenced at five on the dot. One counter for the elites - hey, that's me, oneWorld Ruby here! - and another for the rest, maybe a dozen by this stage.

My lady was super-efficient and cheerful for five in the morning, handed me all the bits, whizzed my big yellow bag up the belt, and sent me off to security.

Which wasn't open yet.

Only a few minutes to wait, but you know, we're eating up valuable espresso drinking time here.

Security was efficient enough when they fired up their scanners.

So was I, for a change. I'd dropped my wallet, phone, keys, and everything into my carryon and went through the nude-o-scope with just my clothes. Including my plastic belt that I keep for airports and is a pain to thread through my plastic pants.

Not a question about my bag full of electronics - two phones, three ipads, three power banks and about a kilometre of cables, not to mention the camera gear - so I guessed the security guys hadn't reached the plateau grumpy stage I usually hit.

Up the golden escalator to the lounge. Empty - of course - and I dumped my stuff by the window and was second in line for a flat white. "Large family size," I indicated with my hands like a master fisherman and was given a regular sized cup.

Oh well, coffee is coffee and always good when the sun hasn't bothered to get out of bed yet. I made myself a toastie that would win no prizes on Masterchef and settled down to relax with my bird being woken up below.

 

[Skyring]

Whispering Down to Melbourne​

Friday 13 October 2023
Flight 2315
QF1511 CBR - MEL
VH-YQX B712

Scheduled: 0605
Boarding: 0543 Gate 11 Seat 3F
Pushback: 0602
Takeoff: 0610 to N
Landing: 0704 from E
Gate: 0710



My Boeing 717-200 is really a Douglas DC-9 from out of the Sixties, given a few new bits, a coat of paint, and a new name. Whispering T-jets they called them, because the tail has the horizontal stabiliser at the top of the vertical tail fin and up front the sound of the jet engines is all but inaudible, though of course the folk on the ground listening to the sound of the first jet aircraft of TAA and Ansett-ANA had a different impression.

I was a kid in those days and the glamour was pretty bloody noisy for a wistful onlooker watching the two-airline policy go overhead locked into identical pricing and scheduling.



My chair in the front cabin is pretty quiet. The seats have changed a bit since the Sixties, I guess. One thing, for sure, is that they didn't have in-seat USB power outlets back in the days of pounds shillings and pence, which I discover when I go to charge up one of my many devices.




All in all a snug little bunker with a view outside and a glass of juice handed to me by a cheerful FA. Reasons to be cheerful - multiple at this point. I'm off on an adventure in a comfy chair and nothing much to do for the next few hours but be caressed by people paid to smile at me.



We whisper off into the sky, the sky lightening as we rise. We go far enough north that we get a view of Lake George, for once full of water rather than the regular puzzling expanse of flat land with fences running all the way across.

Just far enough north for me to wonder if I'm on the correct plane - remind me to talk about the time I got on a plane in Dubai and got off on a continent I hadn't expected - before the pilot dips a wing and we reverse course aiming for Victoria.

Kind of wishing I'd gotten a seat on the port side of the barky because there is a superb view of Canberra with the light glowing on the lake as we climb up to our cruise and all I can see is glimpses across the cabin.


Oh well. Second breakfast arrives. I decline toast and coffee. Sparkling water - a bit of foreshadowing here - is all I really want to drink. The breakfast sanger and beans is delicious, the omelette more of the same and the spinach a bitter green mess. I make a face and leave it on my plate.

Passionfruit yoghurt divine lives up to the promise on the lid, which I lick clean when nobody is watching.

Once breakfast is sitting contentedly in my tummy I haul out my iPad and resume my study of the latest Cormoran Strike detective thriller. A big thick physical book in the shops, it's just a skinny thing on my device but still, there are an awful lot of words and it seems even more characters, each of whom delivers information vital to solving the mystery. Oh, look. The Wikipedia article has a list of characters. I could have used a printout of that.



Oh look, there are the towers of Melbourne gleaming in the rising sun, unreachable across the cabin. All I get is an array of ridiculously large mansions lined up along the flight path as we come in from the east. I'll bet they all have double or triple glazing against the sound of whispering jet engines.

Then again, tasteless they might be but I can think of worse places to be than sitting in comfort, a mug of fresh espresso in hand, while I planespot at my leisure.

Melbourne is a sweet little transit from Domestic to International. Maybe it cost me a few extra bucks to go this way but it's worth it not to have to wait for that sardine bus of gloom in Sydney.

 

[Skyring]

Kangaroo hop over the Tasman

Security in Melbourne is efficient, but not so a rather long walk through Dutyfreeland, a place that holds little interest for me nowadays. The Qantas lounge is in a basement and I think fond thoughts of the Flounge above with a view over the airport, attentive staff who chuckle at my jokes and keep the bubbly flowing.

Noyt that this place is bad. There's a barista poring coffees in a corner and I line up for a few minutes before I multiply the time per shot pulled by the number of caffeine fiends gathered around and glance over at the bar which I see is open for self-serve business.



No windows, so anywhere is good. Better yet with some charging ports. My phone has spent the night slightly off-centre on its charging mat and is complaining that it is weary and needs sleep. Like hell. I need it to be working for me when I arrive in Auckland and attempt to navigate public transport to Waiheke Island.

I plug it in, gather a third breakfast, a glass of something straw-gold and sparkling, and turn to social media, catching the world up with my affairs.



My goodness, that fizzy stuff goes down well. I manage to stow a couple more aboard before I begin to wonder what happened to the 0835 boarding time for my flight.

I'm going to need every minute of time I can get in Auckland and pleasant though it is to sit here helping to empty bottles of bubbly - I'm not the only one improving the shining hours by depleting the bar supply at this time of morning, I notice - I really need Qantas to be up and running for me.

I pull up the airport's departure information, I cross-check it with the contradictory numbers on the lounge departures board, I look at my boarding pass. Something's going wrong and I'm not being kept in the loop.

Eventually the numbers on the board change from "don't worry, be happy" - yeah, right! - to "GO TO GATE" with an implicit urgency and I jump to my feet in a spray of toppled flutes, aiming for gate 11a, which is thankfully nearby.

Friday 13 October 2023
Flight 2316
QF151 MEL - AKL
VH-XZK B738
Scheduled: 0920
Boarding: 0935 Gate 11a Seat 3F -> 3D
Pushback: 1001
Takeoff: 1016 to W
Landing: 1531 from E
Gate: 1536

I'm amongst the last to board and when I get to seat 3F there's someone sitting in it. I look at her for a moment as she looks back at me.

"Oh, I'm in your seat, aren't I?"

I look at her a bit more. She's pregnant and alone and I smile at her. "That's okay."

And really, it is. The XX side of the gene pool goes through a lot of effort and inconvenience in the process of replenishing the species and if this aging XY can shoulder some of the burden, however briefly and inadequately, it is a pleasure.

Besides, apart from the beginning and end, this flight is mostly water and my days of staring down at endless oceans with delight are over.

And even more besides, I've got a few sparkling wines aboard and every prospect of more.

I plonk down in the aisle seat, accept the proffered bubbles from an endearingly quick FA. "Cheers!"

I'm happy. A comfortable chair in burgundy leather with seatback screen. Very nice for a three-hour daytime flight, though I must admit I've flown trans-Tasman on Emirates in considerably more splendour.



There's some discussion about lunch options between my neighbour and the FA when lunch arrives. Possibly it's a fourth breakfast or brunch, but it's an excuse to down some more alcohol before noon and I am not averse to this.

My neighbour wants gluten-free vegan tucker and there's a little negotiating about the precise ingredients in the dishes before everything is okayed.

Out of solidarity, I eschew anything too meaty as a main in favour of a carrort soup that is totally yummy with some sourdough to mop it up.The marinated prawns atop a spicy coleslaw help to soak up the bubbly. There may have been a refill or two, hard to remember.

Qantas doesn't do audio anymore, which is a pity because their streaming audio channels always had a great variety and selection. Movies are plentiful and I've had enough wine that a romcom hits my spot.

A corny premise but artfully done. Love it!

Eventually - after I have to vacate my seat a few times for obligatory pregnant toilet breaks for my seatmate - we swing over Auckland.

I could have used a window seat about now but at least the view is being appreciated. I've seen Auckland before.

Now, as the forward door opens, I have a complicated journey to Waiheke in two hours. Could be tricky …

 

[MARTINE]

To Be Continued
(@Skyring forgive me assuming role of narrator in this tale)
PS - Really enjoying this
Chapter 4

 

[Skyring]

To Be Continued
(@Skyring forgive me assuming role of narrator in this tale)
PS - Really enjoying this
Chapter 4

Heh. Most kind. I like writing travel stories. Especially now I'm back home and back to normal. It was pretty rough for a bit there.

I have another night and day of story before things get grim, so enjoy the ride. I'll give a warning when it's time to fasten seatbelts and hand out the airsick bags.

 

[MARTINE]

Heh. Most kind. I like writing travel stories. Especially now I'm back home and back to normal. It was pretty rough for a bit there.

I have another night and day of story before things get grim, so enjoy the ride. I'll give a warning when it's time to fasten seatbelts and hand out the airsick bags.

Pity we cannot add sound emojis to warn our audience ‘da da da daaaaaaa’
Looking fwd to next installment

 

[CMA222]

Unfortunately my first reaction when you mentioned your seat was occupied by a pregnant person was - how many times will you be getting up and down to allow them to do the toilet breaks. Surely the aisle seat would have been more appropriate and more convenient. Maybe its just me as I hate having to disturb the neighbour if I am in the window seat.

 

[Skyring]

Taking a Trip out to Waiheke Island, Hoping the Weather is Fine​

Immigration was the usual thorough New Zealand affair. I've been through any number of times and make sure my boots are clean, I have no food etc. etc. I looked carefully at the card and marked that I'd been in contact with farm animals.

I have one pensioned-off chook from years of backyard egg production. We had a flock of four at one point, but we're down to one and she's likely not going to be replaced. She produces an egg whenever she feels like it - which is pretty bloody rare nowadays - and lives a sedentary life pottering around the backyard scratching up things, competing with the parrots for seed, and making the cat's life awkward.

Nevertheless I declared this and was smiled through the green line as not posing a serious threat.



The organising angel had prepared instructions on how to get to Waiheke. Exactly how to get there. These sheets were my Bible over the weekend. Every detail laid out.

The Take Home store was directly opposite the exit from immigration. I considered the amount to load and put on $70, along with the $5 cost of the card. Easy, if not painless. Right, where's that bus?

I hauled my bags outside and found a series of orange signs leading me to a big orange bus. Once aboard there was plenty of room for luggage. Now I opened up my Google Maps and followed along as we headed for Pooey-nooey station. I was worried we'd sail past but as it hoppens the bus goes between the airport and the station with a few stops between. Even I couldn't miss this place.



Up the lift, down the ramp, here's a train ready to go. I think I tapped on and off with my new card. There were inspectors on the train to make sure I did everything okay. That surprised me, actually, New Zealanders being a law-abiding lot, at least the ones they don't export.

Britomart station is right on the waterfront. Place of newsagents and fast food. Even a Starbucks. No time for a latte.

Rattle my rolling duffle down the hill to the ferry wharves. Here's Fuller's Ferries and look, there's a boat ready to go, the last few waiting in line as I rolled up.

Baggage racks at the door and plenty of seats. I found one by a window and settled down with a handy beer from the kiosk aboard. AT-HOP card no good here, actual currency needed.



Nice drop, the old Heke from Waiheke. A chance to relax and take in the sights of the harbour.

P&O Pacific Explorer looking a little weather-beaten
​

The ferry wharves are right beside the cruise terminal, there's a container port a little further on, and across the harbour the naval base at Devonport. Lots to see.

Me, I was enjoying my beer and trying to work out my next move when I arrived on Waiheke. I wouldn't have time to drop my bags off at my AirBnB but the checkin instructions noted the key was in the door, just open up and leave it in the door two days later. Pretty cool. I would need a bus - and my HOP card would cover the island buses - to get to Oneroa for dinner, so I really just needed to work out the island bus system in a few seconds on arrival.

We pulled into the ferry dock, I raced off, found the bus zone, where three buses were lined up. "Ah which bus do I need for Oneroa?" I asked, hoping I was pronouncing the Maori name in a way comprehensible to someone whose concept of vowels differed from the norm.

"They all go that way, take your pick," I was told.

I dug into my pocket and hauled out my Google translator. "Take the first bus in line," it told me. "Thanks, mate."

There are only a few main roads on the island, so I guess it didn't really matter which way I went, but I still had my Google Maps anxiously open just in case.

And here was Oneroa - not a big place, really - and my BookCrossing mates inside one of the eateries tucking into pizza and merlot. I was here!

 

[Skyring]

Unfortunately my first reaction when you mentioned your seat was occupied by a pregnant person was - how many times will you be getting up and down to allow them to do the toilet breaks. Surely the aisle seat would have been more appropriate and more convenient. Maybe its just me as I hate having to disturb the neighbour if I am in the window seat.

Well, having had a pregnant wife and daughter two times each, that thought struck me as well. Nevertheless, I wasn't going to argue with her, and if she looked meaningfully at me, I was up and out of my seat and smiling. Poor love, she'll have even more hardship once the baby's out. At least the child is only kicking one person at a time on the inside.

 

[Seat0B]

Unfortunately my first reaction when you mentioned your seat was occupied by a pregnant person was - how many times will you be getting up and down to allow them to do the toilet breaks. Surely the aisle seat would have been more appropriate and more convenient. Maybe its just me as I hate having to disturb the neighbour if I am in the window seat.

Precisely why I always take an aisle seat

 

[Seat0B]

Well so far it all sounds very well choreographed. What can go wrong enough to become “disaster”? I’m hooked!

 

[MARTINE]

Chapter 5

 

[Skyring]

Waiheke wandering​

I won't describe every meal, every morsel, every merlot. Waiheke is famous for hosting Neil Gaiman's wife Amanda F Palmer during the pandemic and the time of closed borders. She remembers it with mixed emotions.

Quite a large island, full of beaches, rolling green hills, vineyards, villages, and great food. Everybody knows everyone else and the buses run around at a rate of knots tying everything together. New Zealand in microcosm. Beautiful place.

At one point there were celebratory fireworks. At least on my Qantas app when I logged in and found that I'd reached the lofty heights of Gold. Woot! The plan pays off!

Megan befriending an unwary red​

I've had adventures with my BookCrossing mates around the world and Megan from Melbourne had hired a car and offered to drive me around. As well as as many others as she could wedge into her tiny rental.

We wedged my bags into the boot and drove home. She and a mate had a bigger apartment than mine, one of a row of four "Boatsheds on the Bay" lined up along the waterfront.




A small little cabin but perfectly adequate for a solo traveller with a bag full of books. There was even real coffee for the French Press. I was impressed.



I had a look around the next morning. Birds everywhere, even a tui flashing his feathers as he chased intruders off his patch. Ducks, chooks, seagulls. A lovely outlook across an inlet.



I was hauled away for brunch - and books - by Megan. BookCrossers can be easily identified by a mountain of books in the middle of the table. It's what we do, okay?

I have to say that the island is set up for foodies. Splendid tucker everywhere. And wine by the bucket load. Good stuff, too.

We toured the island, five in a tiny car full of fun. Beaches, wineries, cows, hillsides. Delightful! Special mention to Man O'War and their winetasting. Some interesting varieties but all good.



We finished up in Oneroa for dinner. The Local, a fish and chips shop with a bar and a lovely outlook over the water.

Megan drove me back and I said goodbye to them as they headed up the hill to their apartment with a view and I settled into a welcome bed.

Ah. Next episode things start to wobble. Be warned!