A bit of humour

[Major]

A little silver-haired lady calls her neighbor and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started."

Her neighbor asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"
The little silver-haired lady says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."

Her neighbor decides to go over and help with the puzzle.
She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."

He takes her hand and says, "Secondly, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then," he said with a deep sigh, "let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box."

 

[QF WP]

In Church on Sunday, I heard a sweet elderly lady, in the pew next to me, saying a prayer. It was so innocent and sincere that I just had to share it with you:

“Dear Lord , the past couple of years have been very tough for me.

You have taken:
My favourite actor – James Garner,
My favourite actress – Lauren Bacall,
My favourite comedian – Robin Williams,
My Favourite singer – Jo cougher,
And finally , my favourite author – Tom Clancy.

I just wanted you to know, Lord, that my favourite Politicians are Clive Palmer, Christine Milne, Sarah Hanson-Young, and that stupid woman from Tasmania.

Amen”

 

[straitman]

A very cranky woman was arrested for shoplifting at a grocery store.

She gave everyone a hard time, from the store manager to the security guard to the arresting officer who took her away. She complained and criticized everything and everyone throughout the process.

When she appeared before the judge, the judge asked her what she had stolen from the store.

The lady defiantly replied, “Just a stupid can of peaches.”

The judge then asked why she had done it.

She replied, “I was hungry and forgot to bring any cash to the store.”

The judge asked how many peaches were in the can.

She replied in a nasty tone, “Nine! But why do you care about that?”

The judge answered patiently, “Well, miss, because I'm going to give you nine days in jail – one day for each peach.”

As the judge was about to drop his gavel, the lady's long-suffering husband raised his hand slowly and asked if he might speak.
The judge said, “Yes sir, what do you have to add?”

The husband said meekly, “Your Honour, she also stole two cans of peas."

 

[Foreigner]

Why God Made Moms?


Answers given by 2nd grade children to the following questions:




Why did God make mothers?
1. She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.
2. Mostly to clean the house.
3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.

How did God make mothers?
1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.
3. God made my Mom just the same like he made me. He Just used bigger parts.

What ingredients are mothers made of?
1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world and one dab of mean.
2. They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use string, I think.

Why did God give you your mother and not some other mom?
1. We're related.
2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's moms like me.

What kind of little girl was your mom?
1. My mom has always been my mom and none of that other stuff.
2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.
3. They say she used to be nice.

What did mom need to know about dad before she married him?
1. His last name.
2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on beer?
3. Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores?

Why did your Mom marry your dad?
1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my Mom eats alot.
2. She got too old to do anything else with him.
3. My grandma says that Mom didn't have her thinking cap on.

Who's the boss at your house?
1. Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because dad's such a goof ball.
2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.
3. I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad.

What's the difference between moms and dads?
1. Moms work at work and work at home, & dads just go to work at work.
2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
3. Dads are taller & stronger, but moms have all the real power 'cause that's who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friend's.
4. Moms have magic, they make you feel better without medicine.

What does your Mom do in her spare time?
1. Mothers don't do spare time.
2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.

What would it take to make your Mom perfect?
1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery.
2. Diet. You know, her hair. I'd diet, maybe blue.

If you could change one thing about your Mom, what would it be?
1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid of that.
2. I'd make my Mom smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did it and not me.
3. I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on her back of her head.

 

[JessicaTam]

..........

 

[Deleted member]

You can't "run" through a camp site, you can only "ran" ..... Because it's "past tents".

 

[Foreigner]

,,,,,,,,,,,,

 

[anat0l]

Tennis players grunt so much these days.

There's no need for all that racket.

 

[Foreigner]

25 Recommended Courses for Women

We can always continue to upgrade and improve ourselves, which is why we took some pains and found some really really useful courses that women might find interesting. Do sign up!

1. Silence, the Final Frontier: Where No Woman Has Gone Before

2. The Undiscovered Side of Banking: Making Deposits

3. Parties: Going Without New Outfits

4. Man Management: Minor Household Chores Can Wait Till After The Game

5. Bathroom Etiquette I: Men Need Space in the Bathroom Cabinet Too

6. Bathroom Etiquette II: His Razor is His

7. Communication Skills I: Tears - The Last Resort, not the First

8. Communication Skills II: Thinking Before Speaking

9. Communication Skills III: Getting What you Want Without Nagging

10. Driving a Car Safely: A Skill You CAN Acquire

11. Telephone Skills: How to Hang Up

12. Introduction to Parking

13. Advanced Parking: Backing Into a Space

14. Water Retention: Fact or Fat

15. Cooking I: Bringing Back Bacon, Eggs and Butter

16. Cooking II: Bran and Tofu are Not for Human Consumption

17. Cooking III: How not to Inflict Your Diets on Other People

18. Compliments: Accepting Them Gracefully

19. PMS: Your Problem... Not His

20. Dancing: Why Men Don't Like To

21. Classic Clothing: Wearing Outfits You Already Have

22. Household Dust: A Harmless Natural Occurrence Only Women Notice

23. Integrating Your Laundry: Washing It All Together

24. Oil and Gas: Your Car Needs Both

25. TV Remotes: For Men Only

 

[love_the_life]

When I was at work someone sent me this gem:

The tribal wisdom of the Dakota Indians, passed down from generation to generation, says that when you discover that you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount.

In the Public Service, however, a whole range of far more advanced strategies are often employed, such as:

1. Change riders.
2. Buy a stronger whip.
3. Do nothing: "This is the way we have always ridden dead horses".
4. Visit other countries to see how they ride dead horses.
5. Perform a productivity study to see if lighter riders improve the dead horse's performance.
6. Hire a contractor to ride the dead horse.
7. Harness several dead horses together in an attempt to increase the speed.
8. Provide additional funding and/or training to increase the dead horse's performance.
9. Appoint a committee to study the horse and assess how dead it actually is.
10. Re-classify the dead horse as "living-impaired".
11. Develop a Strategic Plan for the management of dead horses.
12. Rewrite the expected performance requirements for all horses.
13. Modify existing standards to include dead horses.
14. Declare that, as the dead horse does not have to be fed, it is less costly, carries lower overheads, and therefore contributes substantially more to the bottom line than many other horses.
15. Promote the dead horse to a supervisory position.

 

[GarrettM]

25 Recommended Courses for Women

We can always continue to upgrade and improve ourselves, which is why we took some pains and found some really really useful courses that women might find interesting. Do sign up!

1. Silence, the Final Frontier: Where No Woman Has Gone Before

2. The Undiscovered Side of Banking: Making Deposits

3. Parties: Going Without New Outfits

4. Man Management: Minor Household Chores Can Wait Till After The Game

5. Bathroom Etiquette I: Men Need Space in the Bathroom Cabinet Too

6. Bathroom Etiquette II: His Razor is His

7. Communication Skills I: Tears - The Last Resort, not the First

8. Communication Skills II: Thinking Before Speaking

9. Communication Skills III: Getting What you Want Without Nagging

10. Driving a Car Safely: A Skill You CAN Acquire

11. Telephone Skills: How to Hang Up

12. Introduction to Parking

13. Advanced Parking: Backing Into a Space

14. Water Retention: Fact or Fat

15. Cooking I: Bringing Back Bacon, Eggs and Butter

16. Cooking II: Bran and Tofu are Not for Human Consumption

17. Cooking III: How not to Inflict Your Diets on Other People

18. Compliments: Accepting Them Gracefully

19. PMS: Your Problem... Not His

20. Dancing: Why Men Don't Like To

21. Classic Clothing: Wearing Outfits You Already Have

22. Household Dust: A Harmless Natural Occurrence Only Women Notice

23. Integrating Your Laundry: Washing It All Together

24. Oil and Gas: Your Car Needs Both

25. TV Remotes: For Men Only

Curious to see how many of these other blokes relate too. And of course I'm sure there are equivalents for the ladies too. I mean no man is perfect. I like to think I come pretty close mind you.

 

[rogerkambah]

A wealthy Arab Sheik was admitted to hospital for heart surgery, but prior to the surgery, the doctors needed to store his type of blood in case the need arose.

As the gentleman had a rare type of blood, it couldn't be found locally, so, the call went out.

Finally a Scotsman was located who had a similar blood type. The Scot willingly donated his blood for the Arab.

After the surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman in appreciation for giving his blood: a new BMW, 5 carats of diamonds, and fifty thousand dollars.

A couple of days later, once again, the Arab had to go through a corrective surgery.

The hospital telephoned the Scotsman who was more than happy to donate more of his blood again.

After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman a thank-you card and a box of Black Magic chocolates.

The Scotsman was shocked that the Arab did not reciprocate his kind gesture as he had before.

He phoned the Arab and asked him: "I thought you would be generous again, that you would give me another BMW, diamonds and money ... but you only gave me a thank-you card and a box of chocolates."



To this the Arab replied: "Aye, laddie, but I have Scottish blood in ma veins now."

 

[Major]

an airplane was about to crash; there were 5 passengers on board, but only 4 parachutes.

the first passenger, holly madison said, "I have my own reality show and I am the smartest and prettiest woman at playboy, so Americans don't want me to die."

she took the first pack and jumped out of the plane.

the second passenger, John McCain, said, "I'm a Senator, and a decorated war hero from an elite navy unit from the United States of America."

so he grabbed the second pack and jumped.

the third passenger, Donald Trump said, "I am going to be the next president of the United States, I am the smartest man in our country, and I will make America great again" .

so he grabbed the pack next to him and jumped out.

the fourth passenger, Billy Graham, said to the fifth passenger, a 10-year-old schoolgirl, "I have lived a full life and served my god the best I could. I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute. "

the little girl said, "that's okay, Mr. Graham. There's a parachute left for you. The smartest man in America took my schoolbag and jumped ."

 

[RAM]

Elite Poulty Farmer

Definitely not PC joke.[FONT=&amp]

[/FONT][FONT=&amp]Illustrates creative accounting/tax in all its glory...[/FONT][FONT=&amp]


A woman walks into a Kalgoorlie accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes. [/FONT]

[FONT=&amp]The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask you a few questions." [/FONT]

[FONT=&amp]He gets her name, address etc. And then asks,"What's your occupation?” [/FONT]

[FONT=&amp]"I'm a prostitute," she says. [/FONT]

[FONT=&amp]The accountant is somewhat taken aback and says, "Let's try to rephrase that.” [/FONT]

[FONT=&amp]The woman says, "OK, I'm a high-end call girl”. [/FONT]

[FONT=&amp]"No, that still won't work. Try again.” [/FONT]

[FONT=&amp]They both think for a minute; then the woman says, "I'm an elite poultry farmer.” [/FONT]

[FONT=&amp]The accountant asks, "What does poultry farming have to do with being a prostitute?” [/FONT]

[FONT=&amp]"Well, I raised a thousand coughs last year.” [/FONT]

[FONT=&amp]"Poultry Farmer it is."[/FONT]

 

[coco50]

Tennis players grunt so much these days.

There's no need for all that racket.

I will miss Sharapova. her "grunts" made me want to have what she had had before the match

 

[marki]

I will miss Sharapova. her "grunts" made me want to have what she had had before the match

Yep it was called Melbonium and look what happened ......

 

[Foreigner]

A violent tropical storm enveloped a sailing yacht off the southern coast of Florida lasting all night and most of the next morning. As the sky cleared and the seas calmed, the people on the yacht realized they were grounded on a coral reef about a mile from shore in shark infested waters.

Most of those aboard the yacht were badly injured from their ordeal. The only able bodied that were on board were a doctor, a priest, and a lawyer.

The doctor says, "Someone is going to have to swim ashore and get some help. I would volunteer but most of the crew and passengers are in pretty bad shape and I am needed here to care for them."

The priest replies, "I would volunteer to go also but I might be needed to comfort the injured or perform last rights."

The lawyer says, "No problem."

He immediately strips off his shirt and dives into the shark infested water. There is a great turbulence in the water and then the doctor and priest notice that all of the sharks have formed a double line from the yacht to the beach allowing the lawyer to swim between them.

"My Goodness," says the priest. "It is a miracle!"

The doctor looking at the lawyer swimming to shore says, "No, Father. It is not a miracle. It's professional courtesy!"

 

[whatmeworry]

Feel the Bern.

 

[Foreigner]

An aged farmer and his wife were leaning against the edge of their pig-pen when the old woman wistfully recalled that the next week would mark their golden wedding anniversary.

"Let's have a party, Homer," she suggested. "Let's kill a pig."

The farmer scratched his grizzled head. "Gee, Ethel," he finally answered, "I don't see why the pig should take the blame for something that happened fifty years ago."

 

[Hvr]

A man and woman were married for many years. When ever there was a
confrontation, yelling could be heard deep into the night. The old man would
shout, "When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back
and haunt you for the rest of your life!"

Neighbors feared him. The old man liked the fact that he was feared.
Then one evening, he died when he was 98. After the burial, her neighbors,
concerned for her safety, asked, "Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be
able to dig his way out of the grave and haunt you for the rest of your
life?"






The wife said, " Let him dig.
I had him buried upside down...and
I know he won't ask for directions."