A bit of humour

[Hvr]

 

[Hvr]

My new girlfriend's car got a flat tyre as we
were on our way to see my parents, so I called them up and said,

"Sorry Mum, I'm going to be late, my girlfriend's got a puncture."
"Oh Simon,"she sighed. "I thought you had a real one this time."

 

[Hvr]

I love the way the Earth rotates...

It really makes my day.

+++++++++++++++

I bought a book on eBay called, 'How to scam idiots on eBay'.
That was 3 months ago, and it's still not arrived yet!

+++++++++++++++

I ordered a Chinese prostitute last night and she turned up 2 hours late.
She loved me wrong time.

+++++++++++++++


I realised my parents favoured my twin brother when they asked me to blow up balloons for his surprise birthday party

++++++++++++++++

 

[Hvr]

Wiremu, a New Zealander, was on the dolein Australia but about to fly home to watch theRugby World Cup and was not feeling well,So he decided to see a doctor.

"Hey doc, I dun't feel so good, ey" said Wiremu.

The doctor gave him a thorough examination and informed Wiremuthat he had long existing and advanced prostate problems and that theonly cure was testicular removal.

"No way doc" replied Wiremu "I'm gitting a sicond opinion ey!"

The second Aussie doctor gave Wiremu the same diagnosis and also advised him that testicular removal was the only cure.





Not surprisingly, Wiremu refused the treatment.

Wiremu was devastated, but with the Rugby World Cup just around the corner he found an expat Kiwi doctor and decided to get one lastopinion from someone he could trust.

The Kiwi doctor examined him and said: "Wiremu Cuzzy Bro, you huv Prostate suckness ey."

"What's the cure thin doc ?" asked Wiremu hoping for a different answer.

"Wull, Wiremu", said the Kiwi doctor "Wi're gonna huv to cut off your balls."

"Phew, thunk god for thut!" said Wiremu,"those Aussie coughs wanted to take my test tickets off me!"

 

[Hvr]

 

[Hvr]

 

[Hvr]

Me and my girlfriend had sex in my car last night and it was pretty uncomfortable.
I wish we'd dropped her parents off first

+++++++++++++++


My best mate, Barry passed away yesterday so I went to see his wife today.
I said, "Look on the bright side, at least he's not suffering anymore."
She said, "He wasn't ill, he died all of a sudden."
I said, "I know, I meant being married to you."

+++++++++++++++


As I was climbing into the new bed I bought us,
my wife snarled at me and turned the other way.
I think she's just jealous I got the top bunk.

+++++++++++++


The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not having brains gives me hope for our next generation.

++++++++++++++

 

[Foreigner]

Four married guys go golfing. During the 4th hole the following conversation took place:

First Guy: "You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come outgolfing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend."

Second Guy: "That's nothing, I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck for the pool."

Third Guy: "Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I will remodel the kitchen for her."

They continue to play the hole when they realized that the fourth guy has not said a word. So they ask him, "You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come golfing this weekend. What's the deal?"

Fourth Guy: "I just set my alarm for 5:30 am. When it goes off, I shut off my alarm, give the wife a budge and say, 'Golf Course or Intercourse?' So she says, "Wear your sweater."

 

[Foreigner]

One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a "massive internal fart."

 

[Foreigner]

Fart personalities:


Personality according to how you fart.
The intelligent person: One who can determine from the smell of his neighbour's fart precisely the latest food items consumed.

The sadistic person: One who farts in bed and then fluffs the cover over his bed-mate.

The strategic person: One who conceals his farts with loud coughing.

The antisocial person: One who excuses himself and farts in complete privacy.

The thrifty person: One who always has several farts in his reserve.

The foolish person: One who suppresses his farts for hours and hours.

The dishonest person: One who farts and blames the dog.

The nervous person: One who stops in the middle of a fart.

The scientific person: One who farts frequently but is truly concerned for the environment.

The unfortunate person: One who tries hard to fart but ****s instead.

The shy person: One who releases silent farts then blushes.

The amiable person: One who loves the smell of other people's farts.

The proud person: One who thinks his farts are exceptionally fine.

The vain person: One who loves the smell of his own farts.

 

[Major]

6 year old daughter "daddy what does 'STD' mean?"

Me "erm, well, erm, it's like a disease?"

Daughter "what do you mean?"

Me "I'll tell you when you're older"

Daughter "just tell me, I can understand things"

Me, panicky "yes, I know, well, sometimes, erm, two people, well, when two people make a baby, well no, not necessarily a man and a woman, but erm, two people erm, or more, well forget that bit, erm, if two people share a bed, and they, I guess, when they touch each other in certain places, erm, well they can get, sometimes, well it's rare, but still you've gotta stay safe, sometimes those people can pass diseases on to each other, and they can be quite horrible, warts and rashes and stinging, or swelling of your privates, and sometimes even death. So, you know, just don't ever do anything like that. Ever."

Me, calming down "why do you ask anyway?"

Daughter "it just says it up there, 'coffee: Large or std."

 

[Foreigner]

young Naval Officer was in a terrible car accident, but due to the heroics of the hospital staff the only permanent injury was the loss of one ear. Since he wasn't physically impaired he remained in the Navy and eventually became an Admiral. During his career he was always sensitive about his appearance.

One day the Admiral was interviewing two Navy Master Chiefs and a Marine Sergeant Major for his personal staff. The first Master Chief was a Surface Navy type and it was a great interview.

At the end of the interview the Admiral asked him, "Do you notice anything different about me?"

The Master Chief answered, "I couldn't help but notice you are missing your starboard ear, so I don't know whether this impacts your hearing on that side."

The Admiral got very angry at this lack of tact and threw him out of his office.

The next candidate, an Aviation Master Chief, when asked this same question, answered, "Well yes, you seem to be short one ear."

The Admiral threw him out also.

The third interview was with the Marine Sergeant Major. He was articulate, extremely sharp, and seemed to know more than the two Master Chiefs put together. The Admiral went ahead with the same question.

"Do you notice anything different about me?"

To his surprise the Sergeant Major said, "Yes sir you wear contact lenses."

The Admiral, impressed thought to himself, what an incredibly tactful Marine. "And how do you know that?" the Admiral asked.

The Sergeant Major replied, "Well sir, it's pretty hard to wear glasses with only one €uckin ear."

 

[love_the_life]

Maybe I should have stayed home.

 

[straitman]

Military accommodation standards. It's all about the stars system. The Army sleep under them. The Navy guide their ships by them. The RAAF rate their hotels by them.

 

[coco50]

An extremely well endowed teenage girl goes to the doctor with a respiratory complaint. The doctor puts his stethoscope on her chest and says: "Big breath". "Yeth" she says, "and I'm only thixteen!"

 

[Foreigner]

I went into the confessional box after years of being away from the Church.

Inside I found a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On one wall, there's a row of decanters with fine Irish whiskey and Waterford crystal glasses. On the other wall is a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates.

Then the priest comes in. I say to him, "Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be."

He replies, "Get out, you idiot. You're on my side!"

 

[Hvr]

Military accommodation standards. It's all about the stars system. The Army sleep under them. The Navy guide there ships by them. The RAAF rate their hotels by them.

Off to the grammar thread for that one!

Why do people join the RAAF?

They don't have the discipline to join the Public Service.

 

[love_the_life]

Perhaps this should be posted in the Grammar thread

 

[straitman]

A Polish man moved to the United States and married an American girl. Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well until one day he rushed into a lawyer’s office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him “very quick.”

The lawyer said that the speed for getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following questions:

Lawyer: “Have you any grounds?”
Man: “YA, YA, acre and half and nice little home.”

Lawyer: “No,” I mean what is the foundation of this case?”
Man: “It made of concrete.”

Lawyer: “Does either of you have a real grudge?”
Man: “No, we have carport, and not need one.”

Lawyer: “I mean, what are your relations like?”
Man: “All my relations still in Poland.”

Lawyer: “Is there any infidelity in your marriage?”
Man: “Ya, we have hi- fidelity stereo set and good DVD player.”

Lawyer: Does your wife beat you up?”
Man: “No, I always up before her.”

Lawyer: “WHY do you want this divorce?”
Man: “She going to kill me.”

Lawyer: “What makes you think that?”
Man: “I got proof.

Lawyer: “What kind of proof?”
Man: “She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read, and it says, “Polish Remover.”

 

[marki]

:up: :up: