A bit of humour

[straitman]

Q: “Officer — did you see my client fleeing the scene?”
A: “No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away.”

Q: “Officer — who provided this description?”
A: “The officer who responded to the scene.”

Q: “A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?”
A: “Yes, sir. With my life.”

Q: “With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?”
A: “Yes sir, we do!”

Q: “And do you have a locker in the room?”
A: “Yes sir, I do.”

Q: “And do you have a lock on your locker?”
A: “Yes sir.”

Q: “Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?”
A: “You see, sir — we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.”

The courtroom bust into laughter, even the stone-faced judge cracked a smile as he dropped the gavel and ordered a recess.

 

[Foreigner]

Two physicians boarded a flight out of Seattle. One sat in the window seat, the other sat in the middle seat. Just before takeoff, an attorney got on and took the aisle seat next to the two physicians.
The attorney kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the physician in the window seat said," I think I'll get up and get a coke."
"No problem," said the attorney, "I'll get it for you."
While he was gone, one of the physicians picked up the attorney's shoe and spat in it.
When he returned with the coke, the other physician said, "That looks good, I think I'll have one too."
Again, the attorney obligingly went to fetch it and while he was gone, the other physician picked up the other shoe and spat in it. The attorney returned and they all sat back and enjoyed the flight. As the plane was landing, the attorney slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.
"How long must this go on?" he asked. "This fighting between our professions? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes?"

 

[Foreigner]

A Marine General, an Army General and a Navy Admiral were discussing who had the toughest men.

The Army General says, "Alright, I'll prove the army has the toughest men in the country. Private, get over here!"

The private reports as ordered, "Yes sir?"

The General says, "See that man over there? Kill him!"

Without hesitating, the private kills the man.

The General says, "See? That man has balls!"

The Marine General says, "That's nothing. Private, get over here!"

The Marine Private reports, "Yes, sir?"

The Marine General says, "See that man over there? Kill him and then kill yourself."

Without blinking, the marine private pulls out his M-16 and blows away the guy, then turns the rifle on himself and unloads several rounds.

The Marine General says, "See? Now that man has balls!"

The Admiral says, "That's nothing."

He calls to a seaman high up on a tower, "Hey, seaman, jump off that tower!" The seaman answers, "Excuse me, sir?"

The Admiral repeats, "JUMP OFF THAT TOWER!"

The seaman replies, "Fu@k you, sir!" The Admiral says, "See? That man has balls and he's got brains too!"

 

[coco50]

A woman complains of chest pains so her husband takes her to Emergency. A doctor examines her and reports to her husband: "Your wife has acute angina." The husband replies: "Her coughs aren't bad either."

 

[marki]

A oldie but a goodie.

You think you have lived to be 80 plus and know who you are, then along comes someone and blows it all to hell!



An old Marine Pilot sat down at the Starbucks, still wearing his old USMC flight jacket and ordered a cup of coffee.
As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the pilot and asked,

Are you a real pilot?
He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life flying planes, first Stearmans, then the early Grummans... flew a Wildcat and Corsair in WWII, and later in the Korean conflict, Banshees and Cougars. I've taught more than 260 people to fly and given rides to hundreds, so I guess I am a pilot, and you, what are you?
She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.'

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old pilot and asked:

"Are you a real pilot?"
He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian.'








​

 

[Foreigner]

Two lesbians turn in for the night.
One lesbian turns to the other and says. "I want to be frank with you."
The other lesbian says "I thought it was my turn to be frank."

 

[straitman]

Filler text.

 

[straitman]

NEWS FLASH FROM DARWIN

The Australian Navy intercepted a boatload of people off the coast of Darwin today.

This placed the Navy in a very awkward position, as the boat was not heading to, but away from Australia towards Indonesia.

Another surprise finding was that they were loaded with Aussies who were all seniors of pension age. Their claim was that they were trying to get to Indonesia so as to be able to return to Australia as illegal immigrants and therefore be entitled far more benefits than they are receiving as legitimate Australian pensioners.

The Navy, it is believed gave them food, water and fuel and assisted them on their journey.

We are booking on the next boat, so let me know if you want to come.

 

[Major]

FAMILY TREE OF VINCENT VAN GOGH (always pronounced as Van GO)



His dizzy aunt ----------------------------------------------- Verti Gogh

The brother who ate prunes------------------------------- Gotta Gogh

The brother who worked at a convenience store ------ Stop N Gogh

The grandfather from Yugoslavia ----------------------------- U Gogh

His magician uncle -------------------------------- Where-diddy Gogh

His Mexican cousin ---------------------------------------- A Mee Gogh

The Mexican cousin's American half-brother ------------ Gring Gogh

The nephew who drove a stage coach --------------- Wells-far Gogh

The constipated uncle ------------------------------------- Can't Gogh

The ballroom dancing aunt -------------------------------- Tang Gogh

The bird lover uncle -------------------------------------- Flamin Gogh

An aunt who taught positive thinking ------------------ Way-to-Gogh

The little bouncy nephew ----------------------------------- Poe Gogh

A sister who loved disco -------------------------------------- Go Gogh

And his niece who travels the country in an RV --- Winnie Bay Gogh

I saw you smiling . . .. there ya Gogh

 

[cove]

An 85 year old male sent this to me so it is probably quite old and been around.

Female Geography
Between 18 and 25 a woman is like Africa
Wild, naturally beautiful and full of mysterious fertile deltas

Between 26 and 34 a woman is like America. Well developed and open for trade, especially for those with stacks of money.

Between 35 and 44 a woman is like India. Sensual, relaxed ,in full bloom and aware of her beauty.

Between 45 and 54 a woman is like France. Deliciously mature and still a pleasant destination to visit.

Between 55 and 60 a woman is like Yugoslavia. A lost war, haunted by the mistakes of the past. Major reconstruction work is the only answer.

Between 61 and 65 a woman is like Russia. Vast with undefined frontiers. The cold climate puts off any potential visitors.

Between 66 and 70 a woman is like Afghanistan or the North Pole. Many know its whereabouts but no one dares to venture there...

Male Geography

Between 15 and 90 a man is like Zimbabwe. Ruled by a dick....

 

[Foreigner]

Here's humour in tipping:

 

[Flashback]

Here's humour in tipping:

View attachment 69827

View attachment 69828

View attachment 69829

The actual humour is his written figure for 20% is also wrong.... it's supposed to be 20% of the ex tax amount!

 

[love_the_life]

Whichever way I do the maths I get a different number
Whatever though, the intent is the same

 

[RAM]

The actual humour is his written figure for 20% is also wrong.... it's supposed to be 20% of the ex tax amount!

Like a work colleague of mine in the late 80s. Of the 'moths' variety.

In San Francisco with him for work. Alternate paying for dinners, day 1 his CC.

Waiter was OK, refilled water etc but slow on other things. JP left tip of $4 and change (rounded up to $100).

Waiter picked up closed check/bill holder and began to walk off while opening it.

Stopped, turned on his heels and came back saying quite politely not out-raged tone or anything:

"Can you please leave it at $95... as you obviously need the money more than me."

Ever seen a human beetroot before...

I was tempted to walk back there after we'd got back to our hotel and paying the waiter for the discomfort he caused JP - but it started to rain so I wimped out.

 

[straitman]

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20 fell out onto the sidewalk.

Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, “Ma’am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag.”

“Oh, really? Darn it!” said the little old lady. “I’d better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me officer.

“Well, now, not so fast,” said the cop.“Where did you get all that money? You didn’t steal it, did you?”

“Oh, no, no”, said the old lady. “You see, my back yard is right next to a Golf course.

A lot of Golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower Garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, ‘why not make the best of it?

So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers.

Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, ‘O.K., buddy! Give me $20, or off it comes.’

“Well, that seems only fair,” said the cop, laughing. “OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what’s in the other bag?”

“Not everybody pays.”

 

[Deleted member]

One Monday morning the postman was walking through the neighbourhood on his usual route delivering the mail.
As he approached one of the homes, he noticed that both cars were still in the driveway.

His wonder was cut short by Craig, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer, wine and spirit bottles for the recycling bin.
'Wow Craig, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night,' the Postman commented.
Craig,in obvious pain, replied, 'Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first time I have felt like moving since 4 am Sunday morning.
We had about 15 couples from around the neighbourhood over for some weekend fun and it got a bit wild.
We all got so drunk around midnight that we started playing WHO AM I?'

The Postman thought for a moment and said, 'How do you play WHO AM I?'

‘Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and come out one at a time covered with a sheet with only the 'family jewels' showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is..'
The postman laughed and said, 'Sounds like fun, I'm sorry I missed it.'

'Probably good thing you did,' Craig responded, 'Your name came up seven times ... '

 

[codash1099]

[FONT=&quot]Procrastinator's Creed[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]1. I believe that if anything is worth doing,
it would have been done already.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]2. I shall never move quickly, except to avoid
more work or find excuses.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]3. I will never rush into a job without a life-
time of consideration.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]4. I shall meet all of my deadlines directly in
proportion to the amount of bodily injury I
could expect to receive from missing them.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]5. I firmly believe that tomorrow holds the
possibility for new technologies, astounding
discoveries, and a reprieve from my
obligations.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]6. I truly believe that all deadlines are
unreasonable regardless of the amount of
time given.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]7. If at first I don't succeed, there is always
next year.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]8. I shall always decide not to decide, unless
of course I decide to change my mind.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]9. I shall always begin, start, initiate, take
the first step, and/or write the first word,
when I get around to it.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]10. I will never put off tomorrow, what I can
forget about forever.[/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]

 

[Mike65]

I've decided to stop procrastinating........tomorrow

 

[Foreigner]

Of Brexit:



Source: The Telegraph, UK

 

[Major]

Barry the Aussie builder was going through a house he had just built, with the new lady owner.

She was telling him what colours to paint each room.

They went into the first room and she said, "This room is to be a light blue."

The builder went to the front door and yelled out "Green side up"

As he went back she told him the next room was to be red.

The builder again went to the front door and called out "Green side up"

Once back with her, she said "This one will be tan."

And again he went to the front door and yelled "Green side up"

The lady, very curious, said
"I keep telling you the different colours but you always yell
"Green side up".

"What do you say that for?"

"Oh, don't you worry about that," said the builder,

"I've got a couple of Irish blokes laying turf out front."