A bit of humour

[mrs.dr.ron]

For fans of Downton Abbey - Downton Abbey: 33 best quotes from Maggie Smith’s Dowager Countess - WYZA Australia

 

[GarrettM]

Contains language!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9VoNgLnjzVg

 

[docjames]

Contains language!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9VoNgLnjzVg

That's actually quite disturbing (I watched without sound......)

 

[Moindardt]

Contains language!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9VoNgLnjzVg

Woohoo. Count me in. I love adults cartoons. They are hilarious and so politically incorrect.

Meet the Feebles is one of my favorite movies (think of adults version of the muppets).

 

[coriander]

Here's humour in tipping:

View attachment 69827

Sorry, I find this notation boorish, rude and totally unnecessary: the waiter/ress has no control over how the invoice presented to the customer looks.

 

[Foreigner]

A dentist, doing his first extraction on a patient, was understandably
nervous. When he got the molar out, his hand shook, he lost his grip
on the instrument, and the tooth dropped down into the patient's throat.

"Sorry," said the doctor. "You're outside my specialty now.
You should see a laryngologist!"

By the time the unfortunate victim got to· the laryngologist, the tooth had
worked its way much further down.The laryngologist examined the man.
"Sorry,"said the doctor, "You're outside my specialty now. You
should see a gastrologist!"

The gastrologist X-rayed the patient. "Sorry," said the doctor, "the tooth
has traveled into your lower intestines. You should see an enterologist!"

The enterologist took some X-rays. "Sorry, the tooth isn't there. It must have gone down farther. You should see a proctologist!"

Our patient is now on the proctologist's examining table, in the proper elbow-knee position. The doctor has inserted a proctoscope and is looking through it.

"Good heavens, man! You've got a tooth up there! You should see a dentist!"

 

[whatmeworry]

If meat eaters acted like vegans.

[video=youtube;z0O_VYcsIk8]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z0O_VYcsIk8[/video]

 

[rogerkambah]

SIAMESE TWINS

Siamese twins walk into a bar in Toronto and park themselves on a bar stool.

One of them says to the bartender,Don't mind us; as you can see, we're joined side by side at the hip. I'm John, he's Jim. Two Molson Canadian draft beers, please.


The bartender, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite conversation while pouring the beers.


Been on vacation yet, boys? the barkeep asks.


Off to England next month, says John. We go to England every year, rent a car and drive for miles. Don't we, Jim?


Jim agrees.


Ah, England . .. . says the bartender. What a wonderful country . . . the history, the beer, the culture.


Nah, we don't like all that British stuff, says John. Hamburgers and Molson's beer, that's us, eh Jim ? And we can't stand the English – they're so arrogant and rude.

The bartender asks: Then why keep going to England?


John replies, It's the only chance Jim gets to drive!

 

[Moindardt]

If meat eaters acted like vegans.

Won't you be drawn and quartered at your next comrade meeting? Do they know you eat meat? You actually appreciated deprecating humour.. I think we are breaking you down. Next you will start watching "Yes Minister" and getting the jokes. *omg* what have we started

 

[mrs.dr.ron]

This woman has the right attitude

 

[JessicaTam]

A photon checks into a hotel, and the bellhop asks him if he has any luggage.
"No", replies the photon, "I'm travelling light."

My kind of joke!

 

[RooFlyer]

Seen at a cheese factory and outlet near Hobart:

Sweet dreams are made of cheese
Who am I to diss a brie?
I cheddar the world for the feta cheese
Everybody's looking for Stilton ...

 

[Foreigner]

Courtroom drama...

 

[Foreigner]

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?" She responded, "Why, yes I do know you since you were a little boy, and frankly you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes I know you."

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defence attorney?"

She replied, "Why, yes I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him."

The defence attorney nearly died.

The judge asked both counsellors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said:

"If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair."

 

[Hvr]

A mom & dad are going through their 10 year old son's room looking for naughty stuff and they find a folder hidden deep on the hard drive of the kid's computer labeled Hardcore S&M coughography. The dad asks, "What do we do?" The mom responds, "Well, we can't spank him."
__________________

 

[codash1099]

[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]1. ARBITRAITOR[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]A cook that leaves Arby’s to work at McDonald’s[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]2. BERNADETTE[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]The act of torching a mortgage[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]3. BURGLARIZE[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]What a crook sees through[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]4. AVOIDABLE[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]What a bullfighter tries to do[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]5. EYEDROPPER[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Clumsy ophthalmologist[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]6. CONTROL[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]A short, ugly inmate[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]7. COUNTERFEITER[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Workers who put together kitchen cabinets[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]8. ECLIPSE[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]What an English barber does for a living[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]9. LEFT BANK[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]What the bank robbers did when their bag was full of money[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]10. HEROES[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]What a man in a boat does[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]11. PARASITES[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]What you see from the Eiffel Tower[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]12. PARADOX[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Two physicians[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]13. PHARMACIST[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]A helper on a farm[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]14. POLARIZE[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]What penguins see through[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]15. PRIMATE[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Remove your spouse from in front of TV[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]16. RELIEF[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]What trees do in the spring[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]17. RUBBERNECK[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]What you do to relax your wife[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]18. SELFISH[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]What the owner of a seafood store does[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]19. SUDAFED[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Brought litigation against a government official[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]20. PARADIGMS[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Twenty cents[/FONT]

 

[anat0l]

The entrance exam of a medical school has the following question on it:

Rearrange the following letters to spell the name of a part of the body which is best when erect

E N P S I

Answer below (scroll down and highlight):



















Those students who answered SPINE successfully got into the school.

 

[Cruiser Elite]

One of my favourite coffee shops in Vietnam:

 

[Foreigner]

'Since 1968' expresses potency

 

[marki]

'Since 1968' expresses potency

Unless you want a phuc short ?