A bit of humour

[straitman]

For any pilots on here past or present........

A C-130 was lumbering along when a coughy F-16 flashed by.

The jet jockey decided to show off.

The fighter jock told the C-130 pilot, 'watch this!' and promptly went into a barrel roll followed by a steep climb.

He then finished with a sonic boom as he broke the sound barrier.

The F-16 pilot asked the C-130 pilot what he thought of that?

The C-130 pilot said, 'That was impressive, but watch this!'

The C-130 droned along for about 5 minutes and then the C-130 pilot came back on and said: 'What did you think of that?'

Puzzled, the F-16 pilot asked, 'What the heck did you do?'

The C-130 pilot chuckled. 'I stood up, stretched my legs, walked to the back, took a bathroom break, then got a cup of coffee and a cinnamon roll.'

When you are young & foolish - speed & flash may seem a good thing!

When you get older & smarter - comfort & dull is not such a bad thing!

Us older folks understand this one, it's called S.O.S.

Slower, Older and Smarter....

 

[Foreigner]

So what do jet fighter pilots do for nature's calls?

 

[spiggy_topes]

I went to my doctor and asked for something for persistent wind. He gave me a kite.
I said, ‘It's serious doctor, I've broken my arm in 20 places.’ He said: ‘Well stop going to those places'.
Snooker is basically tidying up disguised as sport.
A cement mixer has collided with a prison van. Motorists are asked to look out for 16 hardened criminals.
I needed a password eight characters long so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs.
My musical knowledge is so poor I thought Kanye West was a railway station and Lana Del Rey a holiday destination.
About a month before he died, my grandfather covered his back with lard. After that he went downhill very quickly.
I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah. He was trying to pull a fast one.
My mum's so pessimistic that if there was an Olympics for pessimism… she wouldn't fancy her chances.

 

[Boris spatsky]

So what do jet fighter pilots do for nature's calls?

Nappy or bottle...

 

[kalboy]

With the now retired F-111 they used to do a dump and burn.

 

[drron]

Best election ad so far-

 

[anat0l]

Best election ad so far-
...

Is DiNatale the one that goes, "whoop whoop whoop whoop whoop......"?

 

[RAM]

Is DiNatale the one that goes, "whoop whoop whoop whoop whoop......"?

This should straighten it all out. I think it might be an advert for the election campaign to do with medicare and dental services.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KJj6S0dgw0s[video=youtube;KJj6S0dgw0s]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KJj6S0dgw0s[/video]

 

[mrs.dr.ron]

 

[Foreigner]

Like this one?

 

[clazman]

"An employee for Ansett Australia, who happened to have the last name of GAY, got on a plane recently using one of his company's "Free Flight" programs.

However, when Mr. Gay tried to take his seat, he found it being occupied by a paying passenger. So, not to make a fuss, he simply chose another seat.

Unbeknownst to Mr. Gay, another Ansett Australia flight at the airport experienced mechanical problems.

The passengers of this other flight were being rerouted to various airplanes. A few were put on Mr. Gay's flight and anyone who was holding a "free" ticket was being "bumped".

Ansett officials, armed with a list of these "freebee" ticket holders boarded the plane to remove the free ticket holders.

Of course, our Mr. Gay was not sitting in his assigned seat as you may remember. So when the Ticket Agent approached the seat where Mr. Gay was supposed to be sitting, she asked a startled customer

"Are you Gay?"

The man, shyly nodded that he was, at which point she demanded:

"Then you have to get off the plane".

Mr. Gay, overhearing what the ticket agent had said, tried to clear up the situation: "You've got the wrong man. I'm Gay!"

This caused an angry third passenger to yell, "Hell, I'm gay too! They can't kick us all off!"

Confusion reigned as more and more passengers began yelling that Ansett Australia had no right to remove gays from their flights.
Ansett refused to comment on the incident."

Excerpted from the Sydney Morning Herald Monday, June 15, 1999.

 

[Major]

The King wanted to go fishing.....

He called on the royal weather forecaster and inquired as to the weather forecast for the next few hours.
The weatherman assured him that there was no chance of rain in the coming days.

So the King went fishing with his wife, the Queen.
On the way he met a farmer on his donkey.
Upon seeing the King the farmer said:
"Your Majesty, you should return to the palace!
In just a short time I expect a huge amount of rain to fall in this area".

The King was polite and considerate,
he replied: "I hold the palace meteorologist in high regard.
He is an extensively educated and experienced professional.
And besides, I pay him very high wages.
He gave me a very different forecast. I trust him."
So the King continued on his way.

However, a short time later a torrential rain fell from the sky.
The King and Queen were totally soaked and their entourage chuckled upon seeing them in such a shameful condition.

Furious, the King returned to the palace and gave the order to fire the professional.
Then he summoned the farmer and offered him the prestigious and high paying role of royal forecaster.

The farmer said, "Your Majesty, I do not know anything about forecasting.
I obtain my information from my donkey.
If I see my donkey's ears drooping,
it means with certainty that it will rain."

So the King hired the donkey.

And thus began the practice of hiring dumb cough
to work in the government and occupy its highest and most influential positions.

A practice unbroken to this date.

 

[alieninperth]

but a dumb cough who is right is better than an educated person who is wrong.

 

[Cruiser Elite]

Tyrone was having trouble in school. His teacher was always yelling at him, "You're driving me crazy, Tyrone, can't you learn anything!!?

One day Tyrone's mother came to school to check on how he was doing.

The teacher told her honestly, that her son was simply a disaster getting very low marks, and that she had never seen such a stupid boy in her entire teaching career.

The mom was so shocked at the feedback that she withdrew her son from school and moved out of Detroit, relocating to Cleveland.

25 years later, the teacher was diagnosed with an almost incurable cardiac disease.

All the doctors strongly advised her to have open heart surgery, which only one surgeon at the Cleveland Clinic could perform.

Left with no other options, the teacher decided to have the operation, which was remarkably successful.

When she opened her eyes after the surgery she saw a handsome young doctor smiling down at her.

She wanted to thank him, but could not talk. Her face started to turn blue, she raised her hand, trying to tell him something but quickly died.

The doctor was shocked, wondering what went wrong so suddenly.

Then he turned around and saw our friend Tyrone, a janitor in the Clinic, who had unplugged the life-support equipment in order to connect his vacuum cleaner.

If you thought Tyrone had become a heart-surgeon, there is a high likelihood that you will vote for Bill Shorten.

Disclaimer: I received this joke in email last night - I am neither a Liberal voter nor a Labor hater.

 

[Skyring]

…The passengers of this other flight were being rerouted to various airplanes. A few were put on Mr. Gay's flight and anyone who was holding a "free" ticket was being "bumped". …

Excerpted from the Sydney Morning Herald Monday, June 15, 1999.

Strange choice of words and date format for the SMH.

 

[Foreigner]

At the pizza store:

 

[love_the_life]

"An employee for Ansett Australia, who happened to have the last name of GAY, got on a plane recently using one of his company's "Free Flight" programs. ........

Confusion reigned as more and more passengers began yelling that Ansett Australia had no right to remove gays from their flights.
Ansett refused to comment on the incident."

Excerpted from the Sydney Morning Herald Monday, June 15, 1999.

Strange choice of words and date format for the SMH.

According to Snopes this is an urban legend that may be based on a USAir flight. First mentioned in 1992 according to some posters. It gained popularity after the supposed SMH article.

 

[Foreigner]

Lady Crofton-Smythe was giving an upper-crust party, and had hired Lena,
a girl recently come to London from County Cork, as a maid.

As Lena was setting up the tea service, Lady C-S told her to be certain
that there were sugar tongs available.

Lena had never heard of sugar tongs, and asked the Lady what they were
and why they were used.

Lady C-S, always happy to Enlighten the Unenlightened, told Lena that
the problem lay with the gentlemen, who would go to the loo, and to do
what they needed to do, had to touch things which were less than
acceptably sanitary. Yes, even the Nobility was subject to this
masculine frailty.

"Sure, Ma'am, 'twas nothing like this Oi ever saw in Ireland," Lena said,
impressed.

"Well, the Irish will learn manners someday, Lena," said the Lady, with
an instinctive lifting of her nose.

After the guests had begun arriving that evening, Lady C-S was dismayed
and infuriated not to see any sugar tongs on the tea service.

Lena, trembling, came quickly in answer to the Lady's angry shout.

"But...but, m'Lady, sure, an' Oi put the tongs out just as you told me
to."

Her furious employer pointed to the tea table, devoid of tongs. "Then
where are they, young woman?"

"Why, they're in the loo, of course."

 

[Foreigner]

Contemplating life post-Brexit:


Source: Telegraph, UK

 

[Foreigner]

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks for their orders. The man says,
"A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?"
"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.
After a while, the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $9.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A hamburger, fries, and a coke." The ostrich says,
"I'll have the same."
Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes routine until, the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the waitress. "No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato, and salad," says the man.
"Same," says the ostrich.
Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62."
Once again he man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.
The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer.
"Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"
"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."
"That's fantastic !" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"
"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.
The waitress asks, "But, sir, what's with the ostrich?"
The man sighs, pauses, and answers,
"My second wish was for a tall chick with a big cough and long legs who agrees with everything I say."