A bit of humour

[straitman]

Subject: Great Australian Yarn
The newspaper, "The Australian", over a period of weeks sought entries for The Great Australian yarn.

This was the winner:

Two cattle drovers standing in an Outback bar.
One asked, "What are ya up to, Mate?"
"Ahh, I'm takin' a mob of 6000 from Goondiwindi to Gympie."
"Oh yeah........and what route are you takin'?"
"Ah, prob'ly the Missus.............. after all, she stuck by me durin' the drought."

 

[coco50]

Luigi owns his pride and joy - a commercial fishing boat which operates from the safe harbour of Ulladulla on the NSW South Coast. He names the boat the Seaspray. One night fishing the Tasman Sea 40 km off Ulladulla, a huge storm blows up - a force 9 gale. After battling the storm for hours, the Seaspray starts to take on water, and Luigi orders the crew to abandon ship, but he cannot bring himself to abandon his beloved Seaspray. So he gets on the radio:

"This is Luigi of the Seaspray. I'm-a sinkin, I-a sinkin. Please-a help me, please-a help me."

He continues to repeat the message all through the night and into the next morning, when, through crackling static comes this reply:

"This is Captain John Edmonson in Air NSW Fokker Friendship WX535 from Sydney to Merimbula. Please give me your course and position."

"This is Luigi of the Seaspray. I'm-a sinkin, I-a sinkin. Please-a help me, please-a help me."

"This is Captain John Edmonson in Air NSW Fokker Friendship WX535 from Sydney to Merimbula. Please give me your course and position."

Luigi becomes more agitated. His voice rises two octaves:

"This is Luigi of the Seaspray. I'm-a sinkin, I-a sinkin. Please-a help me, please-a help me."

Captain Edmondson replies:

"This is Captain John Edmonson in Air NSW Fokker Friendship..." and Luigi interrupts:

"I don't want your Fokker Friendship, I want your Fokker help:!:

 

[coco50]

Peter Smith had a business trip from Ballina to Sydney on a regional carrier and was seated near the front in the aisle seat 2B. The aircraft taxied to the end of the runway and the Captain ran the engines up, released the brakes and the A/C moved down the runway to the east with a smooth takeoff and a climbing turn over Angels Beach and Shaws Bay and set course for SYD. When the A/C had reached cruising altitude and the seat belt sign had been turned off, the Flight Attendant, a beautiful young woman by the name of Natasha moved to the rear of the A/C to the galley to prepare the complementary refreshments. While she is working away, the Captain comes on the cabin PA with the usual announcement:

"Good morning, ladies and gentlemen, this is Captain Ian Cuthbertson. On behalf of your crew, First Officer Don Brady and Natasha I'd like to welcome you aboard our flight to Sydney. Our current speed across the ground is 500 km/h and we have a slight tail wind. The temperature outside the cabin is a brisk -20 degrees celsius. Although I've turned the seat belt sign off and you are free to move about the cabin I would ask you that when you are seated that you keep your seat belt fastened in case of unexpected turbulence. Present indications are that we will have you disembarking at Sydney 5 minutes ahead of time at 8:05 am. If there are any changes to this, I will get back to you."

He thinks he has turned the cabin PA off but actually it is still on. He turns to First Officer Dan and says:

"I'm glad that's over. I hate doing those cabin PAs. All I need now is a cup of coffee and a good r**t."

This booms through the cabin. Unfortunately there is no intercom at the galley and Natasha rushes up the aisle to alert the Captain to the problem. As she passes Peter, he puts his hand on her arm and says:

"Nat - you forgot the cup of coffee"

 

[codash1099]

A World War II pilot is reminiscing before school children about his days in the air force. (Joke best delivered with a good thick accent)
"In 1942," he says, "the situation was really tough. The Germans had a very strong air force. I remember, " he continues, "one day I was protecting the bombers and suddenly, out of the clouds, these fokkers appeared.
(At this point, several of the children giggle.)
I looked up, and right above me was one of them. I aimed at him and shot him down. They were swarming. I immediately realized that there was another fokker behind me."
At this instant the girls in the auditorium start to giggle and boys start to laugh. The teacher stands up and says, "I think I should point out that 'Fokker' was the name of the German-Dutch aircraft company"
"That's true," says the pilot, "but these fokkers were flying Messerschmidts."

 

[RB]

>>> Subject: FW: BEST BLONDE JOKE OF THE YEAR
>>>
>>> Sent: Tuesday, November 28, 2006 10:35 PM
>>> Subject: FW: BEST BLONDE JOKE OF THE YEAR
>>>
>>>
>>> > BEST BLONDE JOKE OF THE YEAR
>>> >
>>> > A plane is on its way to Melbourne when a blonde in Economy
>>> Class gets up
>>> > and moves to the First Class section and sits down.
>>> >
>>> > The flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see
her
>>> ticket. She
>>> > then tells the blonde passenger that she paid for Economy
and
>>> that she
>>> > will
>>> > have to go and sit in the back.
>>> >
>>> > The blonde replies, 'I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going
to
>>> Melbourne and
>>> > I'm staying right here!'
>>> >
>>> > The flight attendant goes into the coughpit and tells the
pilot
>>> and
>>> > co-pilot
>>> > that there is some blonde bimbo sitting in First Class who
>>> belongs in
>>> > Economy and won't move back to her seat.
>>> >
>>> > The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain
that
>>> because she
>>> > only paid for Economy she is only entitled to an Economy
place
>>> and she
>>> > will
>>> > have to leave and return to her original seat.
>>> >
>>> > The blonde replies, Im blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to
>>> Melbourne
>>> > And I'm staying right here!'
>>> >
>>> > Exasperated the co-pilot tells the pilot that it was no use
and
>>> that he
>>> > probably should have the police waiting when they land to
arrest
>>> this
>>> > blonde
>>> > woman who won't listen to reason.
>>> >
>>> > The pilot says, "You say she's blonde? I'll handle this,
I'm
>>> married to a
>>> > blonde, and I speak blonde!"
>>> >
>>> > He goes back to the blonde, whispers in her ear, and she
says,
>>> "Oh I'm
>>> > sorry
>>> > - I had no idea," gets up and moves back to her seat in the
>>> Economy
>>> > section.
>>> >
>>> > The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and asked him
what
>>> he said to
>>> > make her move without any fuss. The pilot replied, "I told
her
>>> First
>>> > Class
>>> > isn't going to Melbourne."
>>> >
>>> >
>>> >
>>> >
>>> >
>>>

 

[straitman]

Cojones de Toro

A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around in Mexico . While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table.
Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful.
He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?"
The waiter replied, "Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are called Cojones de Toro, bull's testicl_s from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!"
The cowboy said, "What the heck, bring me an order."
The waiter replied, "I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy."
The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day.
After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said, "These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday."
The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si, Senor. Sometimes the bull wins.”

 

[straitman]

The Cowboy

A cowboy walks into a bar in Texas, orders three mugs of beer and sits in the back room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender approaches and tells him, "You know, a mug goes flat after I
draw it, it would taste better if you bought one at a time."

The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Australia, the other is in Dublin, and I'm in Texas. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days we drank together. So I drink one for each o' my brothers and one for myself." The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way.
He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn. One day, he comes in and orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."

The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns and he laughs. "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains. "It's just that my wife had us join that Mormon Church and I had to quit drinking. --- Hasn't affected my brothers though!"

 

[straitman]

A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work.

Unbeknownst to her, her 9 year old son was hiding in the closet.

Her husband came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the closet.

The boy now has company.

Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball."
Man: "That's nice."
Boy: "Want to buy it?"
Man: "No, thanks."
Boy: "My dad's outside."
Man: "OK, how much?"
Boy: "$250."

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mum's lover are in the closet together.

Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes, it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball glove."
Man: "How much?"
Boy: "$750."
Man: "Fine."

A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove

Let's go outside and toss the baseball." The boy says, "I can't. I sold them." The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?" The son says,"$1,000." The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."

They go to church and the father alerts the priest, and makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and closes the door.

The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that **** again" :!:

 

[codash1099]

"Stewardess"

"Yes, Sir?"

"I want to complain about this airline. Every time
I fly, I get the same seat, I can't see the in-
flight movie and there are no windows blinds so
I can't sleep."

"Captain, shut up and land the plane."

 

[straitman]

"Stewardess"

"Yes, Sir?"

"I want to complain about this airline. Every time
I fly, I get the same seat, I can't see the in-
flight movie and there are no windows blinds so
I can't sleep."

"Captain, shut up and land the plane."

Dang. I thought I'd already posted that one :!:

 

[codash1099]

An airline captain was helping a new blonde flight attendant prepare for her first overnight trip. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the flight attendant the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.

The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up to ask what happened to her.

She answered the phone, crying, and said, "I can't get out of the room!"

"You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked. "Why not?"

She replied, "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"

 

[codash1099]

Quoted as coming from various sources:

Some actual maintenance complaints submitted by pilots, and the replies from the maintenance crews.

Problem: Target Radar hums
Solution: Reprogrammed Target Radar with the lyrics

Problem: "Left inside main tire almost needs replacement."
Solution: "Almost replaced left inside main tire."

Problem: "Test flight OK, except autoland very rough."
Solution: "Autoland not installed on this aircraft."

Problem: "The autopilot doesn't."
Signed off: "IT DOES NOW."

Problem: "Something loose in coughpit."
Solution: "Something tightened in coughpit."

Problem: "Evidence of hydraulic leak on right main landing gear."
Solution: "Evidence removed."

Problem: "DME volume unbelievably loud."
Solution: "Volume set to more believable level."

Problem: "Dead bugs on windshield."
Solution: "Live bugs on order."

Problem: #2 Propeller seeping prop fluid
Solution: #2 Propeller seepage normal - #1 #3 and #4 propellers lack normal seepage

Problem: "Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent."
Solution: "Cannot reproduce problem on ground."

Problem: "IFF inoperative."
Solution: "IFF always inoperative in OFF mode."

Problem: "Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick."
Solution: "That's what they're there for."

Problem: "Number three engine missing."
Solution: "Engine found on right wing after brief search."

Problem: Aircraft handles funny
Solution: Aircraft warned to straighten up, "fly right" and be serious

 

[serfty]

A Banbury senior citizen drove his brand new BMW Z3 convertible out of the car salesroom.

Taking off down the motorway, he floored it to 90 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.

"Amazing!" he thought as he flew down the M40, enjoying pushing the pedal to the metal even more.

Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a police car behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring.

"I can get away from him - no problem!" thought the elderly nutcase as he floored it to 110mph, then 120, then 130mph.

Suddenly, he thought, "What on earth am I doing? I'm too old for this nonsense!". So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the police car to catch up with him.

Pulling in behind him, the police officer walked up to the driver's side of the BMW, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 10 minutes. Today is Friday and I'm taking
off for the weekend. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."

The man, looked very seriously at the policeman, and replied, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a policeman. I thought you were bringing her back."

"Have a good day, Sir," said the policeman ...

 

[oz_mark]

SYDNEY(AAP) - A seven-year-old boy was at the center of a Parramatta, NSW courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him.

The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child custody law and regulations requiring that family unity be maintained to the degree possible.

The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried out that they also beat him.

After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him.

After two recesses to check legal references and confer with child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the English Cricket Team, whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone.

 

[straitman]

Harley Davidson and God
The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson, died and went to heaven.
At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur, "Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven."
Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, "I want to hang out with God."
St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room and introduced him to God.
God recognized Arthur and commented, "Okay, so you were the one who invented the Harley Davidson motorcycle?"
Arthur said, "Yep, that's me."
God said, "Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise, pollutes and can't run off-road?"
Arthur was apparently embarrassed, but finally he said, "Excuse me, but aren't You the inventor of woman?"
God said, "Yes."
"Well," said Arthur, "professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention as well:
1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusions;
2. It chatters constantly;
3. Most of the rear ends are too soft or wobble too much;
4. The inlet is placed way too close to the exhaust;
5. And the maintenance costs are enormous!"
"Hmmmmm, you have some good points there," replied God, "hold on."
God thought for a moment then smiled and replied.
"Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed as well, but according
to my calculations, there are still more men riding my invention than yours."

 

[codash1099]

Mac died at the controls of his plane and went to pilots' hell,
where he found a hideous devil and three doors.

The devil was busy escorting other pilots to various "hell
rooms."

"I'll be right back, don't go away," said the devil, and he
vanished.

Sneaking over to the first door, Mac peeked in and saw a coughpit
where the pilot was condemned to forever run through pre-flight
checks.

He slammed that door and peeked into the second. There, alarms
rang and red lights flashed while a pilot had to avoid one
emergency after another. Unable to imagine a worse fate, Mac
cautiously opened the third door.

He was amazed to see many beautiful, scantily clad flight
attendants answering to a captain's every whim. He quickly
returned to his place seconds before the devil reappeared.

"Okay, Mac," said the devil, "Which door will it be, number 1 or
number 2?"

"Um, I want door number 3," answered Mac.

"Sorry," said the devil. "You can't have door number 3. That's
flight attendants' hell."

 

[straitman]

747 slides off run way

Breaking news of a Qantas crash It appears Qantas's safety record is now in question.

Not sure about survivors or injuries.

 

[bambbbam2]

Paddy and Mick migrate to Australia, but before they leave, Paddy's dad gives them a bit of advice.

"You watch them Aussie taxi drivers, they'll rob you blind. Don't go paying what they ask, you haggle about the fare."

After they arrive at Sydney airport, they hail a taxi to take them to their hotel.

"That'll be $40 thanks lads" said the cabbie.

"Oh no you don't! my dad warned me about you aussies, and you're only getting $30 from me!" says Paddy.

"And you're only getting $30 from me also" says Mick.

 

[bambbbam2]

Chuck Norris, Arnold Schwarzenegger, and Jean-Claude Van Damme, were talking one day.

Chuck Norris asked the others, "If you were a musician, who would you be? I would be Mozart."

Jean-Claude Van Damme said, "I would be Beethoven."

Arnold said, "I'll be Bach!"

 

[bambbbam2]

Two Scots, Archie and Jock, are sitting in the pub discussing Jock's
forthcoming wedding.

"Och, it's all goin' pure brilliant," says Jock. "I've got everything
organised already, the flowers, the church, the cars, the reception, the rings,the minister, even ma stag night".

Archie nods approvingly.

"I've even bought a kilt to be married in!" continues Jock.

"A kilt?" exclaims Archie, "that's braw, you'll look pure smart in that"!

"And what's the tartan?" Archie then enquires.

"Och," says Jock, "I'd imagine she'll be in white!"