A bit of humour

[bambbbam2]

Sorry some of these are groan-worthy..

Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were
avid bowlers. However, all the league records were unfortunately
destroyed in a fire. Thus, we'll never know for whom the Tells
bowled.


A man rushed into the doctor's office and shouted, "Doctor! I
think I'm shrinking!" The doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle
down. You'll just have to be a little patient."


A marine biologist developed a race of genetically engineered
dolphins that could live forever if they were fed a steady diet
of seagulls. One day his supply of the birds ran out, so he had
to go out and trap some more. On the way back, he spied two
lions asleep on the road. Afraid to wake them, he gingerly
stepped over them. Immediately, he was arrested and charged with
transporting gulls across sedate lions for immortal porpoises.


A skeptical anthropologist was cataloging South American folk
remedies with the assistance of a tribal brujo who indicated that
the leaves of a particular fern were a sure cure for any case of
constipation. When the anthropologist expressed his doubts, the
brujo looked him in the eye and said, "Let me tell you, with
fronds like these, who needs enemas?"


Back in the 1800's the Tates Watch Company of Massachusetts
wanted to produce other products and, since they already made
the cases for pocket watches, decided to market compasses for
the pioneers traveling west. It turned out that although their
watches were of finest quality, their compasses were so bad that
people often ended up in Canada or Mexico rather than California.
This, of course, is the origin of the _expression, "He who has a
Tates is lost!"


A thief broke into the local police station and stole all the
lavatory equipment. A spokesperson was quoted as saying, "We
have absolutely nothing to go on."


An Indian chief was feeling very sick, so he summoned the
medicine man. After a brief examination, the medicine man took
out a long, thin strip of elk hide and gave it to the chief,
instructing him to bite off, chew and swallow one inch of the
leather every day. After a month, the medicine man returned to
see how the chief was feeling. The chief shrugged and said,
"The thong is ended, but the malady lingers on."


A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found
his name missing from the town register. His wife insisted on
complaining to the local civic official who apologized profusely
saying, "I must have taken Leif off my census."


There were three Indian squaws. One slept on a deer skin. One
slept on an elk skin and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin.
All three became pregnant and the first two each had a baby boy.
The one who slept on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys. This
goes to prove that the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the
sons of the squaws of the other two hides .

 

[codash1099]

One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are
seated, waiting for the coughpit crew to show up so they can get under way.

The pilot and co-pilot finally appear in the rear of the plane, and begin
walking up to the coughpit through the center aisle. Both appear to be blind.
The pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right and left as
he stumbles down the aisle, and the co-pilot is using a guide dog. Both have
their eyes covered with huge sunglasses. At first the passengers do not
react; thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke. However, after
a few minutes the engines start spooling up and the airplane starts moving
down the runway.

The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness, whispering among
themselves and looking desperately to the stewardesses for reassurance. Then
the airplane starts accelerating rapidly and people begin panicking. Some
passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to the end
of the runway, the voices are becoming more and more hysterical. Finally,
when the airplane has less than 20 feet of runway left, there is a sudden
change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone screams at once, and at the
very last moment the airplane lifts off and is airborne.

Up in the coughpit, the co-pilot breathes a sigh of relief and turns to the
Captain, "You know, one of these days the passengers aren't going to scream
and we're gonna get killed!"

 

[bambbbam2]

A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave.

The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, "Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?"

The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?"

The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied, "My wife's first husband."

 

[codash1099]

Teri asked her Sunday School class to draw pictures
of their favourite bible stories. She was puzzled by
Kyle's picture which showed four people on an
airplane, so she asked him which story it was meant
to represent.

"The flight to Egypt," said Kyle

"I see...And that must be Mary, Joseph, and Baby
Jesus,"

Ms. Teri said. "But who's the fourth person?"

"Oh, that's Pontius -- the Pilot!"

 

[codash1099]

A friend of mine was telling me her flight from Boston
to New York was delayed, which meant she missed her
connection home to Seattle. She joined a group of
other passengers, all in the same boat, each hoping to
book seats on the next flight out.

All of the passengers waited patiently except for one
man who treated the ticket agent very rudely. "I had
an aisle seat reserved and I'd BETTER get an aisle seat
when we get on another plane," he ranted and raved.

A few minutes later the ticket agent announced that
there would be room for everyone. "And, sir," she
said, addressing the rude fella, "I'm happy to tell
you that I was able to get you an aisle seat, sir."

The man, still muttering, picked up his carry on,
grabbed his boarding pass, and headed through the
door.

The agent continued, "And I'm also pleased to announce
the rest of you will be seated in First Class."

 

[codash1099]

There are 2 rules to success in life:

1. Don't tell people everything you know.

 

[straitman]

Not quite a joke BUT worth posting :!:

Love him or hate him, he sure hits the nail on the head with this! To anyone with kids of any age, here's some advice.

Bill Gates recently gave a speech at a High School about 11 things they did not and will not learn in school. He talks about how feel-good, politically correct teachings created a generation of kids with no concept of reality and how this concept set them up for failure in the real world.

Rule 1: Life is not fair - get used to it!

Rule 2: The world won't care about your self-esteem. The world will expect you to accomplish something BEFORE you feel good about yourself.

Rule 3: You will NOT make $60,000 a year right out of high school. You won't be a vice-president with a car phone until you earn both.

Rule 4: If you think your teacher is tough, wait till you get a boss.

Rule 5: Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your
Grandparents had a different word for burger flipping: they called it opportunity.

Rule 6: If you mess up, it's not your parents' fault, so don't whine about your mistakes, learn from them.

Rule 7: Before you were born, your parents weren't as boring as they are now. They got that way from paying your bills, cleaning your clothes and listening to you talk about how cool you thought you were. So before you save the rain forest from the parasites of your parent's generation, try delousing the closet in your own room.

Rule 8: Your school may have done away with winners and losers, but life HAS NOT. In some schools, they have abolished failing grades and they'll give you as MANY TIMES as you want to get the right answer. This doesn't bear the slightest resemblance to ANYTHING in real life.

Rule 9: Life is not divided into semesters. You don't get summers off and very few employers are interested in helping you FIND YOURSELF. Do that on your own time.

Rule 10: Television is NOT real life. In real life people actually
have to leave the coffee shop and go to jobs.

Rule 11: Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

If you agree, pass it on.
If you can read this - Thank a teacher!
If you are reading it in English -Thank a soldier!!

 

[codash1099]

Two sea monsters were swimming around in the ocean, looking for something to do. They came up underneath a ship that was hauling potatoes. Bob, the first sea monster, swam underneath the ship, tipped it over and ate everything on the ship.

A little while later, they came up to another ship, again hauling potatoes. Bob again capsizes the ship and eats everything onboard.

The third ship they found was also hauling potatoes and Bob once again capsized it and ate everything.

Finally his buddy Bill asked him, "Why do you keep tipping over those ships full of potatoes and eating everything on board?"

Bob replied, "I wish I hadn't, but I just can't help myself once I start. Everyone knows you can't eat just one potato ship."

 

[straitman]

Subject: How to Save the Airlines

Dump the male flight attendants. No one wanted them in the first place.
Replace all the female flight attendants with good-looking strippers! What the hell -- They don't even serve food anymore, so what's the loss?

The strippers would at least triple the alcohol sales and get a "party atmosphere" going in the cabin. And, of course, every businessman in this country would start flying again, hoping to see naked women.

Because of the tips, female flight attendants wouldn't need a salary, thus saving even more money. I suspect tips would be so good that we could charge the women for working the plane and have them kick back 20% of the tips, including lap dances and "special services."

Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing naked women.

Hijackings would come to a screeching halt, and the airline industry would see record revenues. This is ; definitely a win-win situation if we handle it right -- a golden opportunity to turn a liability into an asset.

Why didn't Bush think of this?! Why do I still have to do everything myself?

Sincerely,
Bill Clinton

 

[codash1099]

The symphony orchestra was performing Beethoven's Ninth.

In the piece, there's a long passage, about 20 minutes, during which the bass violinists have nothing to do.

Rather than sit around that whole time looking stupid, some bassists decided to sneak offstage and go to the tavern next door for a quick one.

After slamming several beers in quick succession, one of them looked at his watch and said, "Hey! We need to get back!"

"No need to panic," said a fellow bassist. "I thought we
might need some extra time, so I tied the last few pages of the conductor's score together with string. It'll take him a few minutes to get it untangled."

A few moments later they staggered back to the concert hall and took their places in the orchestra.

About this time, a member of the audience noticed the conductor seemed a bit edgy and said as much to her companion.

"Well, of course," said her companion. "Don't you see? It's the bottom of the Ninth, the score is tied, and the bassists are loaded."

 

[straitman]

Subject: We Must Stop This Immediately!

Have you noticed that stairs are getting steeper. Groceries are heavier and, everything is farther away.
Yesterday I walked to the corner and I was dumbfounded to discover how long
Our street has become!
This extension work was apparently done at night!! Very sneaky stuff.

And, you know, people are less considerate now, especially the youngsters.
They speak in whispers all the time!
If you ask them to speak up they just keep repeating themselves, endlessly
Mouthing the same silent message until they're red in the face!
What do they think I am, a lip reader? I also think they are much younger
Than I was at the same age.
On the other hand, people my own age are so much older than I am.
I ran into an old friend the other day, and she has aged so much that she
Didn't even recognize me.

I got to thinking about the poor dear while I was combing my hair this
Morning, and in doing so, I glanced at my own refection ..
Well, REALLY NOW- even mirrors are not made the way they used to be!

Another thing, everyone drives so fast these days!
You're risking life and limb if you happen to pull onto the freeway in front
Of them..
All I can say is, their brakes must wear out awfully fast, the way I see
Them screech and swerve in my rear view mirror.

Clothing manufacturers are less civilized these days.
Why else would they suddenly start labeling a size 32 pair of pants a 42, or
Medium shirt as 'extra large?
Do they think no one notices that these things no longer fit around the
Waist, hips, thighs, and neck?

The people who make bathroom scales are pulling the same prank, but in
Reverse.
Do they think I actually "believe" the number I see on that dial? Heck !
I would never let myself weigh that much! Just who do these people think
They're fooling?

I'd like to call up someone in authority to report what's going on -- but
The telephone company is in on the conspiracy too:
They've printed the phone books in such small type that no one could ever
Find a number in there!

All I can do is pass along this warning:
We are under attack! Unless something drastic happens, pretty soon everyone
Will have to suffer these awful indignities.
PLEASE PASS THIS ON TO EVERYONE YOU KNOW AS SOON AS POSSIBLE SO WE CAN GET
THIS CONSPIRACY STOPPED!

PS: I am sending this to you in a larger print, because something has caused
My computer's regular type to be smaller than it once was.
(They must be sneaking to my house and messing around with my computer.
Probably CIA....!!!)

 

[codash1099]

I have A.A.A.D.D., an extremely contagious decease. I bet you do too and I thought it would help to know there are others out there. WE ARE NOT ALONE!!!!! They have finally found a diagnosis for my condition. Hooray!!

I have recently been diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D.

Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder...

This is how it goes:I decide to wash the car; I start toward the garage and notice the mail on the table.

Ok, I'm going to wash the car. But first I'm going to go through the mail. I lay the car keys down on the desk, discard the junk mail and I notice the trash can is full.

OK, I'll just put the bills on my desk and take the trash can out, but since I'm going to be near the mailbox anyway, I'll pay these few bills first.

Now, where is my checkbook?
Oops, there's only one check left.
My extra checks are in my desk.
Oh, there's the coke I was drinking.

I'm going to look for those checks. But first I need to put my coke further away from the computer, oh maybe I'll pop it into the fridge to keep it cold for awhile.

I head towards the kitchen and my flowers catch my eye, they need some water.

I set the coke on the counter and uh oh! There are my glasses. I was looking for them all morning! I'd better put them away first.

I fill a container with water and head for the flower pots - - Aaaaaagh! Someone left the TV remote in the kitchen. We'll never think to look in the kitchen tonight when we want to watch television, so I'd better put it back in the family room where it belongs.

I splash some water into the pots and onto the floor, I throw the remote onto a soft cushion on the sofa and I head back down the hall trying to figure out what it was I was going to do?

End of Day:
The car isn't washed, the bills are unpaid, the coke is sitting on the kitchen counter, the flowers are half watered, the checkbook still only has one check in it and I can't seem to find my car keys! When I try to figure out how come nothing got done today, I'm baffled because I KNOW I WAS BUSY ALL DAY LONG!!!

I realize this is a serious condition and I'll get help, BUT FIRST I think I'll check my e-mail...

Please send this to everyone you know because
I DON'T REMEMBER TO WHOM I'VE SENT THIS !!!

 

[codash1099]

A 7.5 Earthquake Hits New Zealand

150,000 New Zealanders die and over a million injured.

The country is in total ruin and the government doesn't know where to start with providing help to rebuild.

The rest of the world rises to their aid.

Canada sends troopers to help the New Zealand army control the riots.

The European community sends food and money.

Australia, not to be outdone, sent 150,000 replacement New Zealanders.

 

[straitman]

What is the punishment for bigamy?


Two mothers-in-law.

 

[straitman]

Two Scots, Archie and Jock, are sitting in the pub discussing Jock's forthcoming wedding.


"Och, it's all going magic," says Jock. "I've got everything organised already, the flowers, the church, the cars, the reception, the rings, the minister, even ma stag night."


Archie nods approvingly.


"Hell, I've even bought a kilt to be married in," continues Jock.


"A kilt?" asks Archie. "That's braw, you'll look pure smart in that. What's the tartan?"


"Och," says Jock, "I'd imagine she'll just be in white."

 

[Maca44]

WORST AIR DISASTER IN IRISH HISTORY

By Sean O'Flarrety

DUBLIN, IRELAND (Reuters) - In the early hours of this yesterday a two seater Cessna crashed into a cemetery just near busy downtown Dublin.

A representative of the Irish Disaster Victim Identification Team said, "we have been on the scene since yesterday and although we have recovered 287 bodies so far, the way our investigation is going and the more we dig we expect the death toll to rise even more". He told us the Irish people are simply devastated by the loss of death adding, "this is the worst air disaster in Irish history".

 

[codash1099]

Two Irish hunters got a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose. They bagged six. As they started loading the plane for the return trip, the pilot said the plane could take only four moose. The two lads objected strongly. "Last year we shot six and the pilot let us put them all on board; he had the same plane as yours."

Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded. However, even with full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down. A few moments after, climbing out of the wreckage, Paddy asked Mick, "Any idea where we are?"

"I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year."

 

[oz_mark]

The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks,interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists: Two men and a woman.

For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill Her!!"

The man said, "You can't be serious.I could never shoot my wife."

The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home."

The second man was given the same instructions.

He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes.
The man came out with tears in his eyes... "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."
The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls.
After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping the sweat from her brow. "This gun is loaded with blanks" she said. "I had to beat him to death with the chair."

MORAL: Women are evil. Don't mess with them

 

[codash1099]

The tribal wisdom of the Dakota Indians, passed on from one generation to the next, says that when you discover you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount.

However, in modern business, because of the heavy investment factors to be taken into consideration, often other strategies have to be tried with dead horses, including the following:

1. Buying a stronger whip.
2. Changing riders.
3. Threatening the horse with termination.
4. Appointing a committee to study the horse.
5. Arranging to visit other sites to see how they ride dead horses.
6. Lowering the standards so that dead horses can be included.
7. Appointing an intervention team to reanimate the dead horse.
8. Creating a training session to increase the riders load share.
9. Reclassifying the dead horse as living-impaired.
10. Change the form so that it reads: "This horse is not dead."
11. Hire outside contractors to ride the dead horse.
12. Harness several dead horses together for increased speed.
13. Donate the dead horse to a recognised charity, thereby deducting its full original cost.
14. Providing additional funding to increase the horses performance.
15. Do a time management study to see if the lighter riders would improve productivity.
16. Purchase an after-market product to make dead horses run faster.
17. Declare that a dead horse has lower overhead and therefore performs better.
18. Form a quality focus group to find profitable uses for dead horses.
19. Rewrite the expected performance requirements for horses.
20. Promote the dead horse to a supervisory position.

 

[codash1099]

IF AIRLINES SOLD PAINT . . .

Customer: Hi. How much is your paint?

Clerk: Well, sir, that all depends on quite a lot of things.

Customer: Can you give me a guess? Is there an average price?

Clerk: Our lowest price is $12 a gallon, and we have 60 different
prices up to $200 a gallon.

Customer: What's the difference in the paint?

Clerk: Oh, there isn't any difference; it's all the same paint.

Customer: Well, then I'd like some of that $12 paint.

Clerk: When do you intend to use the paint?

Customer: I want to paint tomorrow. It's my day off.

Clerk: Sir, the paint for tomorrow is the $200 paint.

Customer: When would I have to paint to get the $12 paint?

Clerk: You would have to start very late at night in about 3
weeks. But you will have to agree to start painting before Friday
of that week and continue painting until at least Sunday.

Customer: You've got to be *&%^#@* kidding!

Clerk: I'll check and see if we have any paint available.

Customer: You have shelves FULL of paint! I can see it!

Clerk: But it doesn't mean that we have paint available. We sell
only a certain number of gallons on any given weekend. Oh, and by
the way, the price per gallon just went to $16. We don't have any
more $12 paint.

Customer: The price went up as we were talking?

Clerk: Yes, sir. We change the prices and rules hundreds of times
a day, and since you haven't actually walked out of the store
with your paint yet, we just decided to change. I suggest you
purchase your paint as soon as possible. How many gallons do you
want?

Customer: Well, maybe five gallons. Make that six, so I'll have
enough.

Clerk: Oh no, sir, you can't do that. If you buy paint and don't
use it, there are penalties and possible confiscation of the
paint you already have.

Customer: WHAT?

Clerk: We can sell enough paint to do your kitchen, bathroom,
hall and north bedroom, but if you stop painting before you do
the bedroom, you will lose your remaining gallons of paint.

Customer: What does it matter whether I use all the paint? I
already paid you for it!

Clerk: We make plans based upon the idea that all our paint is
used, every drop. If you don't, it causes us all sorts of
problems.

Customer: This is crazy!! I suppose something terrible happens if
I don't keep painting until after Saturday night!

Clerk: Oh yes! Every gallon you bought automatically becomes the
$200 paint.

Customer: But what are all these, "Paint on sale from $10 a
liter" signs?

Clerk: Well that's for our budget paint. It only comes in half-
gallons. One $5 half-gallon will do half a room. The second half-
gallon to complete the room is $20. None of the cans have labels,
some are empty and there are no refunds, even on the empty cans.

Customer: To hell with this! I'll buy what I need somewhere else!

Clerk: I don't think so, sir. You may be able to buy paint for
your bathroom and bedrooms, and your kitchen and dining room from
someone else, but you won't be able to paint your connecting hall
and stairway from anyone but us. And I should point out, sir,
that if you paint in only one direction, it will be $300 a
gallon.

Customer: I thought your most expensive paint was $200!

Clerk: That's if you paint around the room to the point at which
you started. A hallway is different.

Customer: And if I buy $200 paint for the hall, but only paint in
one direction, you'll confiscate the remaining paint.

Clerk: No, we'll charge you an extra use fee plus the difference
on your next gallon of paint. But I believe you're getting it
now, sir.

Customer: You're insane!

Clerk: Thanks for painting with United