A bit of humour

[JohnK]

I haven't tested that link but from memory, it's supposed to show a computer counting down, presumably to some sort of conflagration.

Yes I got the countdown and then 6 zeros flashing on the screen.

 

[simongr]

I think its the arabic writing that is meant to scare people... like its a bomb...

 

[serfty]

Somewhere in the background I think I hear the "Mission Impossible" theme music ... :shock:

 

[Mal]

Airline Partners Australia.

Keeping people amused with their clown like antics since December 2006.

 

[serfty]

Airline Partners Australia.

Keeping people amused with their clown like antics since December 2006.

Somewhere in the background I think I hear the "Mission Improbable" theme music ... :shock:

 

[straitman]

*INSTRUCTIONS; for Men and Women

PRINT AND PIN TO BATHROOM MIRROR It's really not difficult...

To make a woman happy; a man only needs to be :

1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father
6. a master
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a carpenter
10. a plumber
11. a mechanic
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
14. a sexologist
15. a gynaecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a pest exterminator
18. a psychiatrist
19. a healer
20. a good listener
21. an organiser
22. a good father
23. very clean
24. sympathetic
25. athletic
26. warm
27. attentive
28. gallant
29. intelligent
30. funny
31. creative
32. tender
33. strong
34. understanding
35. tolerant
36. prudent
37. ambitious
38. capable
39. courageous
40. determined
41. true
42. dependable
43. passionate


WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:
44. give her compliments regularly
45. love shopping
46. be honest
47. be very rich
48. not stress her out
49. not look at other girls

AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:
50. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
51. give her lots of time, especially time for herself
52. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes

IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:
53. Never to forget:
* birthdays
* anniversaries
* arrangements she makes




HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY :
1. Shag him
2. Leave him in peace

 

[JohnK]

Thanks for reminding me why I am still single!

 

[oz_mark]

HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY :
1. Shag him
2. Leave him in peace

Shouldn't beer be in there somewhere?

 

[codash1099]

Two newlyweds arrive at the honeymoon suite on their wedding
night. The groom says,

"Honey, I've got a confession to make...I'm addicted to golf! I
have to be out on the course morning, noon, and night. I don't
know how you want to deal with it, but I'm going to be out there"

"That's OK!" said his blushing bride, "I've got a confession to
make too... I'm a hooker!"

"No big deal!" replied the groom, "Just loosen your grip, and
open the club face."

 

[straitman]

Subject: Operations!


Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other outside the operating room.


The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?"


The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous."


The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-o and ice cream. It's a breeze."


The second kid then asks, "What are you here for?"


The first kid says, "A circumcision."


"Whoa!", the second kid replies. "Good luck buddy. I had that done when I was born. Couldn't walk for a year."

 

[wallacej]

With a Kiwi accent, the Aussie asks, "What does a Hindu"
"What", says the Kiwi,
"Lays Eggs" claimed the Aussie.....

 

[wallacej]

From time to time on DJ flights I find the announcements can be a little funny... not trying to detract from the seriousness of safety annoucements, but some of these made me chuckle....

An oldie used a few times:
"Can all cabin crew be seated for Blast off"


Others that turned the corners of my mouth upward...

"The life vest has a whilstle for attracting attention, and a light to attract the sharks!"

"The light switch is located in the console above you. The switch with the picture of the light bulb will turn the light on, but the button with the picture of the flight attendant will not turn the flight attendant on"

 

[codash1099]

An angel appears at a faculty meeting and tells the dean that in return for his unselfish and exemplary behaviour, the Lord will reward him with his choice of infinite wealth, wisdom, or beauty.

Without hesitating, the dean selects infinite wisdom.

“Done!” says the angel, and disappears in a cloud of smoke and a bolt of lightning.

Now, all heads turn toward the dean, who sits surrounded by a faint halo of light. At length, one of his colleagues whispers, “Say something.”

The dean sighs and says, “I should have taken the money.”

 

[straitman]

A joke yet oh so truthful :!:

TAX CUTS EXPLAINED
Because it is tax season. . . Let's put tax cuts in terms everyone can understand. Suppose that every day, ten men go out for beer and the bill for all ten comes to $100.

If they paid their bill the way we pay our taxes, it would go something like this:

The first four men (the poorest) would pay nothing.
The fifth would pay $1.
The sixth would pay $3.
The seventh would pay $7.
The eighth would pay $12.
The ninth would pay $18.
The tenth man (the richest) would pay $59.

So, that's what they decided to do.

The ten men drank in the bar every day and seemed quite happy with the arrangement, until one day, the owner threw them a curve. "Because you are all such good customers," he said, "I'm going to reduce the cost of your daily beer by $20." Drinks for the ten now cost just $80.
The group still wanted to pay their bill the way we pay our taxes so the first four men were unaffected. They would still drink for free. But what about the other six men - the paying customers? How could they divide the $20 windfall so that everyone would get his 'fair share?' They realized that $20 divided by six is $3.33. But if they subtracted that from everybody's share, then the fifth man and the sixth man would each end up
being paid to drink his beer.

So, the bar owner suggested that it would be fair to reduce each man's bill by roughly the same amount, and he proceeded to work out the amounts each should pay.

And so:

The fifth man, like the first four, now paid nothing (100% savings).
The sixth now paid $2 instead of $3 (33% savings).
The seventh now pay $5 instead of $7 (28% savings).
The eighth now paid $9 instead of $12 (25% savings).
The ninth now paid $14 instead of $18 (22% savings).
The tenth now paid $49 instead of $59 (16% savings).

Each of the six was better off than before. And the first four continued to drink for free. But once outside the restaurant, the men began to compare their savings.

"I only got a dollar out of the $20," declared the sixth man. He pointed to the tenth man," but he got $10!"

"Yeah, that's right," exclaimed the fifth man. "I only saved a dollar, too. It's unfair that he got ten times more than I!"

"That's true!!" shouted the seventh man. "Why should he get $10 back when I got only two? The wealthy get all the breaks!"

"Wait a minute," yelled the first four men in unison. "We didn't get anything at all. The system exploits the poor!"

The nine men surrounded the tenth and beat him up.

The next night the tenth man didn't show up for drinks, so the nine sat down and had beers without him. But when it came time to pay the bill, they discovered something important. They didn't have enough money between all of them for even half of the bill!

And that, boys and girls, journalists and college professors, is how our tax system works. The people who pay the highest taxes get the most benefit from a tax reduction. Tax them too much, attack them for being wealthy, and they just may not show up anymore. In fact, they might start drinking overseas where the atmosphere is somewhat friendlier.

David R. Kamerschen, Ph.D.
Professor of Economics
University of Georgia

For those who understand, no explanation is needed.

For those who do not understand, no explanation is possible.

 

[codash1099]

A Japanese company and an American company decided to have a canoe race on the Missouri River.

Both the teams practiced hard and long to reach their peak performance before the race.

On the big day the Japanese won by a mile.

Afterward, the American team became very discouraged and morally depressed. The American management decided the reason for the crushing defeat had to be found. A "Management Team" made up of senior management was formed to investigate and recommend appropriate action. Their conclusion was the Japanese had 8 people rowing and 1 person steering, while the American team had 8 persons steering and one person rowing.

So American management hired a consulting company and paid them an incredible amount of money. They advised that too many people were steering the boat, while not enough people were rowing. To prevent losing to the Japanese again next year, the rowing team's management structure was totally reorganized to 4 steering supervisors, 3 area steering superintendents and 1 assistant superintendent steering manager. They also implemented a new performance system that would give the 1 person rowing the boat greater incentive to work harder. It was called the "Rowing Team Quality First Program," with meetings, dinners and free pens for the rower. "We must give the rower the empowerment and enrichments through this quality program."

The next year the Japanese won by two miles.

Humiliated, the American management laid off the rower for poor performance, halted development of a new canoe, sold the paddles, and cancelled all capital investments for new equipment. Then they distributed the money saved as bonuses to the senior executives.

Thank goodness this is just a story and this sort of thing doesn't happen in real life eh?

 

[codash1099]

Einstein dies and goes to heaven only to be informed that his room is not yet ready.

"I hope you will not mind waiting in a dormitory. We are very sorry, but it's the best we can do and you will have to share the room with others." he is told by the doorman (say his name is Pete).

Einstein says that this is no problem at all and that there is no need to make such a great fuss. So Pete leads him to the dorm. They enter and Albert is introduced to all of the present inhabitants.

"See, Here is your first room mate. He has an IQ of 180!"

"Why that's wonderful!" says Albert. "We can discuss literature!"

"And here is your second room mate. His IQ is 150!"

"Why that's wonderful!" says Albert. "We can discuss mathematics!"

"And here is your third room mate. His IQ is 100!"

"That's wonderful! We can discuss the latest plays at the theatre!"

Just then another man moves out to capture Albert's hand and shake it.

"I'm your last room mate and I'm sorry, but my IQ is only 80."

Albert smiles back at him and says, "So, where do you think interest rates are headed?"

 

[straitman]

Not quite a joke, but a good read non the less.

C-130 Pilot's Description of Approach into Baghdad

This is a funny story particularly if you lust over mixed metaphors. This is from a colourful writer from the 3rd Marine Air Wing based at MCAS Miramar:

There I was at six thousand feet over central Iraq, two hundred eighty knots and we're dropping faster than Paris Hilton's panties. It's a typical September evening in the Persian Gulf; hotter than a rectal thermometer and I'm sweating like a priest at a Cub Scout meeting. But that's neither here nor there. The night is moonless over Baghdad tonight, and blacker than a Steven King novel. But its 2006, folks, and I'm sporting the latest in night-combat technology - namely, hand-me-down night vision goggles (NVGs) thrown out by the fighter boys.

Additionally, my 1962 Lockheed C-130E Hercules is equipped with an obsolete, yet, semi-effective missile warning system (MWS). The MWS conveniently makes a nice soothing tone in your headset just before the missile explodes into your airplane. Who says you can't polish a turd?

At any rate, the NVGs are illuminating Baghdad International Airport like the Las Vegas Strip during a Mike Tyson fight. These NVGs are the cat's cough. But I've digressed. The preferred method of approach tonight is the random shallow. This tactical manoeuvre allows the pilot to ingress the landing zone in an unpredictable manner, thus exploiting the supposedly secured perimeter of the airfield in an attempt to avoid enemy surface-to-air-missiles and small arms fire. Personally, I wouldn't bet my pink cough on that theory but the approach is fun as hell and that's the real reason we fly it. We get a visual on the runway at three miles out, drop down to one thousand feet above the ground, still maintaining two hundred eighty knots. Now the fun starts.

It' s pilot appreciation time as I descend the mighty Herc to six hundred feet and smoothly, yet very deliberately, yank into a sixty degree left bank turning the aircraft ninety degrees offset from runway heading. As soon as we roll out of the turn, I reverse turn to the right a full two hundred seventy degrees in order to roll out aligned with the runway. Some aeronautical genius coined this manoeuvre the "Ninety/Two-Seventy." Chopping the power during the turn, I pull back on the yoke just to the point my nether regions start to sag, bleeding off energy in order to configure the pig for landing. "Flaps Fifty! Landing Gear Down!, Before Landing Checklist!" I look over at the copilot and he's shaking like a cat ****ting on a sheet of ice. Looking further back at the navigator, and even through the Nags, I can clearly see the wet spot spreading around his crotch. Finally, I glance at my steely eyed flight engineer. His eyebrows rise in unison as a grin forms on his face. I can tell he's thinking the same thing I am ... "Where do we find such fine young men?" "Flaps One Hundred!" I bark at the shaking cat. Now it's all aim-point and airspeed. Aviation 101, with the exception there are no lights, I'm on NVGs its Baghdad, and now tracers are starting to crisscross the black sky. Naturally, and not at all surprisingly, I grease the Goodyear's on brick-one of runway 33 left, bring the throttles to ground idle and then force the props to full reverse pitch. Tonight, the sound of freedom is my four Hamilton Standard propellers chewing through the thick, putrid, Baghdad air. The huge, one hundred forty-thousand pound, lumbering whisper pig comes to a lurching stop in less than two thousand feet. Let's see a Viper do that!

We exit the runway to a welcoming committee of government issued Army grunts It's time to download their beans and bullets and letters from their sweethearts, look for war booty, and of course, urinate on Saddam 's home. Walking down the crew entry steps with my lowest-bidder, Beretta 92F, 9 millimetre strapped smartly to my side, look around and thank God, not Allah I'm an American and I'm on the winning team. Then I thank God I'm not in the Army.

Knowing once again I've cheated death, I ask myself, "What in the hell am I doing in this mess?" Is it Duty, Honour, and Country? You bet your cough. Or could it possibly be for the glory, the swag, and not to mention, chicks dig the Air Medal. There's probably some truth there too. But now is not the time to derive the complexities of the superior, cerebral properties of the human portion of the aviator-man-machine model. It is however, time to get out of this hole. Hey copilot how's 'bout the 'Before Starting Engines Checklist."


God, I love this job! Semper Fidelis

 

[codash1099]

A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it
reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain
made an announcement over the intercom: "Ladies and
gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to
Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles.
The weather ahead is good, so we should have a smooth
and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax... OH, MY
NO!"

Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain
came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentle-
men, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was
talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled
a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front
of my pants!"

A passenger in coach yelled, "That's nothing. You should
see the back of mine!"

 

[SeaWolf]

Reasons not to go kite surfing at St Maarten's:
New Sprite Ad
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nsXVU8ZFEeo

 

[littl_flier]

TRIVIA. Some oldies but goodies. Brissy people may have heard these. Thanks Uncle Stav.

AMERICAN AIRLINES saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating one olive from each salad served in first class.

Featured on an American Airlines packet of peanuts:
"Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts."​