A bit of humour

[codash1099]

While cruising at 40,000 feet, the airplane shuddered,
and Mr. Benson looked out the window. "Good lord!" he screamed,
"one of the engines just blew up!" Other passengers left their seats
and came running over; suddenly the aircraft was rocked by a second blast
as yet another engine exploded on the other side.

The passengers were in a panic now, and even the flight attendants
couldn't maintain order. Just then, standing tall and smiling
confidently, the pilot strode from the coughpit and assured everyone
that there was nothing to worry about. His words and his demeanor seemed to
make most of the passengers feel better, and they sat down as the pilot
calmly walked to the door of the aircraft. There, he grabbed several
packages from under the seats and began handing them to the flight attendants.
Each crew member attached the package to their backs.

"Say," spoke up an alert passenger, "aren't those parachutes?"

The pilot said they were. The passenger went on, "But I thought
you said there was nothing to worry about."

"There isn't," replied the pilot as a third engine exploded.
"We're going to get help."

 

[straitman]

Dear Napisan

Dear Napisan,

I'm writing to say what an excellent product you have! I've used it since the beginning of my married life, when my Mum told me it was the best. Now that I am older and going through menopause, I find it even better!

In fact, about a month ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse. My unfeeling and uncaring husband started to berate me about how clumsy I was and generally started becoming a pain in the neck. One thing led to another and I ended up with a lot of his blood on my white blouse.

I tried to get the stain out using a bargain detergent, but it just wouldn't come out. After a quick trip to the supermarket, I purchased a bottle of liquid Napisan with bleach alternative, and to my surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains came out!

In fact, the stains came out so well, that when the detectives who came by yesterday told me that the DNA tests on my blouse were negative and then my attorney called and said that I would no longer be considered a suspect in the disappearance of my husband.

What a relief I thank you, once again, for having such a great product.

Well, gotta go. I have to write a letter to the Glad Bag people...

Signed,

A Relieved Menopausal Wife

 

[straitman]

Mind Boggling Questions

Here are a few things to think about that you probably have never thought about.

Can you cry under water?

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

Why do you have to "put your two cents in".. . but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?

Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

What disease did cured ham actually have?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.

Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?

Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?

If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?

Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Why did you just try singing the two songs above?

Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a haemorrhoid when it's in your butt?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride; he sticks his head out the window?

Do you ever wonder why you gave me your e-mail address in the first place?

 

[NM]

A view of the future of off-shoring ...

 

[codash1099]

And in the same vein:

 

[codash1099]

A Good Senior Moment

A very self-important university student was attending a recent football game, took it upon himself to explain to a senior citizen sitting next to him why it was impossible for the older generation to understand his generation.

"You grew up in a different world, actually an almost primitive one," the student said, loud enough for many of those nearby to hear.

"The young people of today grew up with television, jet planes, space travel, man walking on the moon, spaceships have visited Mars. We have nuclear energy, electric and hydrogen cars, computers with light-speed processing and," pausing to take another drink of beer. ~

The Senior took advantage of the break in the student's litany and said, "You're right, son. We didn't have those things when we were young........so we invented them.

Now, you arrogant little prat, what are you doing for the next generation?"

 

[straitman]

DANGER beware of the WORK Virus.

There is a dangerous virus being passed electronically, orally and by hand.

This virus is called Worm-Overload-Recreational-Killer (WORK). If you receive WORK from any of your colleagues, your boss or anyone else via any means DO NOT TOUCH IT.
This virus will wipe out your private life completely.
If you should come into contact with WORK put your jacket on and take 2 good friends to the nearest pub. Purchase the antidote known as Work-Isolator-Neutralizer-Extractor (WINE).

The quickest acting WINE type is called Swift-Hitting-Infiltrator-Remover-All-Zones (SHIRAZ) but this is only available for those who can afford it. The next best equivalent is Cheapest-Available-System-Killer (CASK). Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.

Forward this warning to 5 friends. If you do not have 5 friends you have already been infected and WORK is controlling your life. This virus is DEADLY(Destroys-Every-Available-Decent-Living-Youngster).

Update 23-06-07: After extensive testing it has been concluded that Best-Equivalent-Extractor-Remedy (BEER) may be substituted for WINE but may require a more generous application.

 

[straitman]

Is there a safety message here somewhere?

Two Irish hunters got a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose.

They managed to bag six.

As they were loading the plane to return, the pilot said the plane could take only 4 moose.

The two lads objected strongly. "Last year we shot six. The pilot let us take them all and he had the same plane as yours."

Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded.

However, even on full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down.

Somehow, surrounded by the moose bodies, Paddy and Mick survived the crash.

After climbing out of the wreckage, Paddy asked Mick, "Any idea where we are?"

Mick replied, "I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year."

 

[codash1099]

A man was getting a haircut prior to a trip to Rome. He mentioned the trip to his barber who responded, "Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty and full of Italians. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"

"We're taking American Airlines," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"

"American Airlines?" exclaimed the barber. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?"

"We'll be at the downtown International Marriott."

"That dump? That's the worst hotel in the city. The rooms are small, the service is surly and they're overpriced. So, whatcha doing when you get there?"

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope."

"That's rich," laughed the barber. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."

A month later, the man again came in for his regular haircut. The barber asked him about his trip to Rome.

"It was wonderful," explained the man, "not only were we on time in one of American Airlines s brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a beautiful 28-year-old stewardess who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel -- it was great! They'd just finished a $25 million remodelling job, and now it's the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us the presidential suite at no extra charge!"

"Well," muttered the barber, "I know you didn't get to see the Pope."

"Actually, we were quite lucky, for as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the Pope likes to personally meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down as he spoke a few words to me."

"Really?" asked the barber. "What'd he say?"

He said, "Where'd you get the terrible haircut?

 

[codash1099]

A fellow had just been hired as the new CEO of a large high tech corporation. The CEO who was stepping down met with him privately and presented him with three numbered envelopes. "Open these if you run up against a problem you don't think you can solve," he said.

Well, things went along pretty smoothly, but six months later, sales took a downturn and he was really catching a lot of heat. About at his wit's end, he remembered the envelopes. He went to his drawer and took out the first envelope. The message read, "Blame your predecessor."

The new CEO called a press conference and tactfully laid the blame at the feet of the previous CEO. Satisfied with his comments, the press -- and Wall Street -- responded positively, sales began to pick up and the problem was soon behind him.

About a year later, the company was again experiencing a slight dip in sales, combined with serious product problems. Having learned from his previous experience, the CEO quickly opened the second envelope. The message read, "Reorganize." This he did, and the company quickly rebounded.

After several consecutive profitable quarters, the company once again fell on difficult times. The CEO went to his office, closed the door and opened the third envelope.

The message said, "Prepare three envelopes."

 

[codash1099]

If airline announcements were truthful:

“GOOD morning, ladies and gentlemen. We are delighted to welcome you aboard Veritas Airways, the airline that tells it like it is. Please ensure that your seat belt is fastened, your seat back is upright and your tray-table is stowed. At Veritas Airways, your safety is our first priority. Actually, that is not quite true: if it were, our seats would be rear-facing, like those in military aircraft, since they are safer in the event of an emergency landing. But then hardly anybody would buy our tickets and we would go bust.

The flight attendants are now pointing out the emergency exits. This is the part of the announcement that you might want to pay attention to. So stop your sudoku for a minute and listen: knowing in advance where the exits are makes a dramatic difference to your chances of survival if we have to evacuate the aircraft. Also, please keep your seat belt fastened when seated, even if the seat-belt light is not illuminated. This is to protect you from the risk of clear-air turbulence, a rare but extremely nasty form of disturbance that can cause severe injury. Imagine the heavy food trolleys jumping into the air and bashing into the overhead lockers, and you will have some idea of how nasty it can be. We don't want to scare you. Still, keep that seat belt fastened all the same.

Your life-jacket can be found under your seat, but please do not remove it now. In fact, do not bother to look for it at all. In the event of a landing on water, an unprecedented miracle will have occurred, because in the history of aviation the number of wide-bodied aircraft that have made successful landings on water is zero. This aircraft is equipped with inflatable slides that detach to form life rafts, not that it makes any difference. Please remove high-heeled shoes before using the slides. We might as well add that space helmets and anti-gravity belts should also be removed, since even to mention the use of the slides as rafts is to enter the realm of science fiction.

Please switch off all mobile phones, since they can interfere with the aircraft's navigation systems. At least, that's what you've always been told. The real reason to switch them off is because they interfere with mobile networks on the ground, but somehow that doesn't sound quite so good. On most flights a few mobile phones are left on by mistake, so if they were really dangerous we would not allow them on board at all, if you think about it. We will have to come clean about this next year, when we introduce in-flight calling across the Veritas fleet. At that point the prospect of taking a cut of the sky-high calling charges will miraculously cause our safety concerns about mobile phones to evaporate.

On channel 11 of our in-flight entertainment system you will find a video consisting of abstract imagery and a new-age soundtrack, with a voice-over explaining some exercises you can do to reduce the risk of deep-vein thrombosis. We are aware that this video is tedious, but it is not meant to be fun. It is meant to limit our liability in the event of lawsuits.

Once we have reached cruising altitude you will be offered a light meal and a choice of beverages—a word that sounds so much better than just saying ‘drinks’, don't you think? The purpose of these refreshments is partly to keep you in your seats where you cannot do yourselves or anyone else any harm. Please consume alcohol in moderate quantities so that you become mildly sedated but not rowdy. That said, we can always turn the cabin air-quality down a notch or two to help ensure that you are sufficiently drowsy.

After take-off, the most dangerous part of the flight, the captain will say a few words that will either be so quiet that you will not be able to hear them, or so loud that they could wake the dead. So please sit back, relax and enjoy the flight. We appreciate that you have a choice of airlines and we thank you for choosing Veritas, a member of an incomprehensible alliance of obscure foreign outfits, most of which you have never heard of. Cabin crew, please make sure we have remembered to close the doors. Sorry, I mean: ‘Doors to automatic and cross-check’. Thank you for flying Veritas.”

 

[Ikara]

Folks,

I've uploaded 3 short videos that I thought might make you laugh. They are on a free server called MyBigDir and the URL's are listed below. Click on the link and download the video.

The first one is a very Politically Incorrect Dean Martin talking to a drunk in a bar from the 60's.

Link to file: http://www.mybigdir.com/5642

The second describes a luggage situation that some of us may have experienced.


Link to file: http://www.mybigdir.com/5645

The third shows what happens when 747 Pilots get bored.


Link to file: http://www.mybigdir.com/5646

Enjoy.

JB

 

[codash1099]

Bluetooth:

 

[codash1099]

A bloke was touring the USA on holiday and stopped in a remote bar in the hills of Nevada. He was chatting to the bartender when he spied an old Indian sitting in the corner. He had tribal gear on, long white plaits, wrinkled face.

'Who's he?' said the bloke.

'That's the Memory Man.' Said the bartender. 'He knows everything. He can remember any fact. Go and try him out.'

So the bloke goes over thinking 'He won't know about English football.' 'Who won the 1965 FA Cup Final?' he asks.

'Liverpool' replies the Memory Man.'

Who did they beat?'

'Leeds' was the reply.'

And the score?' '2-1'

Who scored the winning goal?'

'Ian St. John' was the old man's reply.

The bloke was knocked out by this and told everyone back home about the Memory Man when he got back.

A few years later he went back to the USA and tried to find the impressive Memory Man. Eventually he found the bar and sitting in the same seat was the old Indian only this time he was older and more wrinkled.

Because he was so impressed the bloke decided to greet The Indian in his native tongue. He approached him with the Red Indian greeting 'How?'

The Memory man replied: 'Diving header in the six yard box.'

 

[littl_flier]

Stumbled across this You Tube trip.

This might outline any new ultra-low-cost-carriers KPI's.

YouTube - Air Zimbabwe

 

[codash1099]

Stumbled across this You Tube trip.

This might outline any new ultra-low-cost-carriers KPI's.

YouTube - Air Zimbabwe

My favourite is

YouTube - yorkshire airlines

(apologies if it has been in this thread before)

 

[straitman]

There's a story about the military pilot calling for a priority landing because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit peaked."

Air Traffic Control told the fighter jock that he was number two behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down.

"Ah," the pilot remarked, "the dreaded seven-engine approach."

 

[straitman]

Subject: Operations!


Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other outside the operating room.


The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?"


The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous."


The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-o and ice cream. It's a breeze."


The second kid then asks, "What are you here for?"


The first kid says, "A circumcision."


"Whoa!", the second kid replies. "Good luck buddy. I had that done when I was born. Couldn't walk for a year."

 

[straitman]

I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.
- David Bissonette

================================================

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
- Sacha Guitry
================================================

After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.
================================================

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
-- Socrates
================================================

A happy marriage is a matter of giving and taking; the husband gives and the wife takes.
================================================

Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.
-- Dumas
================================================

The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, "What does a woman want?
-- Freud
=================================================

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.
================================================
"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time
to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays."
- Henny Youngman
=================================================

"I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years."
- Sam Kinison
=================================================

"There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage."
- James Holt McGavran
=================================================
"I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me and the second one didn't."
- Patrick Murray
=================================================

It's true that all men are born free and equal, but some of them get married!
=================================================
Marriage is the process of finding out what kind of man your wife would have preferred.

=================================================

Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming 1. Whenever you're wrong,
admit it, 2. Whenever you're right, shut up.
-- Nash
=================================================

My wife only has 2 complaints. Nothing to wear and not enough closet space.
=================================================
You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
-- Henny Youngman

=================================================

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
-- Rodney Dangerfield
=================================================

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
-- Milton Berle
=================================================
Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy.
-- Anonymous
=================================================

"I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her."
- Rodney Dangerfield

 

[codash1099]

If Nelson were alive today:

Nelson: Order the signal, Hardy.

Hardy: Aye, aye, sir.

Nelson: Hold on, that's not what I dictated to the signal officer. What's the meaning of this?

Hardy: Sorry, sir?

Nelson: (reading aloud): 'England expects every person to do his duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or
disability.' What gobbledygook is this?

Hardy: Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an equal opportunities employer now. We had the devil's own job getting 'England' past the censors, lest it be considered racist.

Nelson: Gadzooks, Hardy! Hand me my pipe and tobacco.

Hardy: Sorry, sir. All naval vessels have been designated smoke-free working environments.

Nelson: In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the main brace to steel the men before battle.

Hardy: The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. It's part of the Government's policy on binge drinking.

Nelson: Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it... Full speed ahead.

Hardy: I think you'll find that there's a four knot speed limit in this stretch of water.

Nelson: Damn it, man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's nest,
please.

Hardy: That won't be possible, sir.

Nelson: What?

Hardy: Health and Safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. No harness. And they said the rope ladder doesn't meet regulations. They won't let anyone up there until a proper scaffolding can be erected.

Nelson: Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy.

Hardy: He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the fo'c'sle, Admiral.

Nelson: Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd.

Hardy: Health and Safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier-free environment for the differently abled.

Nelson: Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of admiral by
playing the disability card.

Hardy: Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under represented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency.

Nelson: Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons.

Hardy: A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and Safety won't let the crew up the rigging without hard hats. And they don't want anyone breathing in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?

Nelson: I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy.

Hardy: The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral.

Nelson: What? This is mutiny.

Hardy: It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There's a couple of legal-aid
lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks.

Nelson: Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?

Hardy: Actually, sir, we're not.

Nelson: We're not?

Hardy: No, sir. The Frenchies and the Spanish are our European partners now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy we shouldn't even be in this stretch of water We could get hit with a claim for compensation.

Nelson: But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil.

Hardy: I wouldn't let the ship's diversity co-ordinator hear you saying that, sir You'll be up on disciplinary.

Nelson: You must consider every man an enemy, who speaks ill of your King.

Hardy: Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age. Now put on your Kevlar vest; it's the rules. It could save your life.

Nelson: Don't tell me - health and safety. Whatever happened to rum, sodomy and the lash?

Hardy: As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu! And there's a ban on corporal punishment.

Nelson: What about sodomy?

Hardy: l believe that's now legal, sir.

Nelson: in that case... kiss me, Hardy!