A bit of humour

[Ikara]

Just got back from the US...

What did the Buddhist say to the hot dog vendor?
"Make me one with everything"...

Nup, thunked about it and it beats the cough outa me. Clearly too deep for a non Buddhist!

JB

 

[straitman]

Nup, thunked about it and it beats the cough outa me. Clearly too deep for a non Buddhist!

JB

I resemble that remark :!:

 

[oz_mark]

Two Dyslexics were driving to work.

The first say's "Can you smell Diesel?"

The second replies "I cant even smell my own name!!"

 

[Ikara]

Two Dyslexics were driving to work.

The first say's "Can you smell Diesel?"

The second replies "I cant even smell my own name!!"

What's with all these deep and meaningful Buddhist jokes??

JB

 

[Kendall Roy]

"Hilton Hotels: In 2006, 30 million esteemed visitors slept in our beds, and over 31 million slept in our daughter." :shock:

 

[Maca44]

Then there was the Dyslexic who went to a toga party dressed as a goat.

 

[Blue Peter]

...or the dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac who used to lie awake at night wondering if there was a dog!

 

[codash1099]

Pollution

 

[straitman]

Brass Monkeys.

In the heyday of sailing ships, all war ships and many freighters carried iron cannons. Those cannons fired round iron cannon balls.

It was necessary to keep a good supply near the cannon. However, how to prevent them from rolling about the deck? The best storage method devised was a square-based pyramid with one ball on top, resting on four resting on nine, which rested on sixteen. Thus, a supply of 30 cannon balls could be stacked in a small area right next to the cannon. There was only one problem...how to prevent the bottom layer from sliding or rolling from under the others.

The solution was a metal plate called a 'Monkey' with 16 round indentations. However, if this plate were made of iron, the iron balls would quickly rust to it. The solution to the rusting problem was to make 'Brass Monkeys.' Few landlubbers realize that brass contracts much more and much faster than iron when chilled. Consequently, when the temperature dropped too far, the brass indentations would shrink so much that the iron cannonballs would come right off the monkey.

Thus, it was quite literally, 'Cold enough to freeze the balls off a brass monkey.'

(All this time, you thought that was an improper expression, didn't you.) :shock:

 

[codash1099]

In promulgating your esoteric cogitations or articulating your superficial sentimentalities, and amicable philosophical or psychological observations, beware of platitudinous ponderosity. Let your conversational communications possess a compacted conciseness, a clarified comprehensibility, a coalescent cogency, and a concatenated consistency.

Eschew obfuscation and all conglomeration of flatulent garrulity, jejune babblement, and asinine affectations.

Let your extemporaneous descanting and unpremeditated expatiations have intelligibility and voracious vivacity without rodomontade or thrasonical bombast.

Sedulously avoid all polysyllabic profundity, pompous prolificacy, and vain vapid verbosity.

In short: "Be brief and don't use big words."

 

[straitman]

Here's a couple that a lot of people around here can relate to :!:

Early politicians required feedback from the public to determine what the people considered important. Since there were no telephones, TV's or radios, the politicians sent their assistants to local taverns, pubs, and bars. They were told to 'go sip some ale' and listen to people's conversations and political concerns. Many assistants were dispatched at different times. 'You go sip here' and 'You go sip there.' The two words 'go sip' were eventually combined when referring to the local opinion and, thus we have the term 'gossip.'

At local taverns, pubs, and bars, people drank from pint and quart-sized containers. A bar maid's job was to keep an eye on the customers and keep the drinks coming. She had to pay close attention and remember who was drinking in 'pints' and who was drinking in 'quarts,' hence the term 'minding your 'P's and Q's.'

 

[bambbbam2]

The two words 'go sip' were eventually combined when referring to the local opinion and, thus we have the term 'gossip.'

Nice story, but not correct. According to Dictionary.com and Snopes:

[Origin: bef. 1050; ME gossib, godsib(be), OE godsibb, orig. godparent, equiv. to god God + sibb related; see sib1

]

 

[straitman]

Nice story, but not correct. According to Dictionary.com and Snopes:

[Origin: bef. 1050; ME gossib, godsib(be), OE godsibb, orig. godparent, equiv. to god God + sibb related; see sib1

]

This is the joke forum. There was never any guarantee or authenticity :!:

 

[oz_mark]

This is the joke forum. There was never any guarantee or authenticity :!:

What?? Do you mean the tall tales and true told on this forum never happened?

 

[straitman]

What?? Do you mean the tall tales and true told on this forum never happened?

Approximately.

 

[Skoogle]

How to silence a journo!

General Cosgrove was interviewed on the radio the other day and you'll love his reply to the lady who interviewed him concerning guns and children.

Regardless of how you feel about gun laws you've got to love this!

This is one of the best comeback lines of all time. It is a portion of ABC interview between a female broadcaster and General Cosgrove who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military headquarters.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: So, General Cosgrove, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?

GENERAL COSGROVE: We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery, and shooting.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?

GENERAL COSGROVE: I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?

GENERAL COSGROVE: I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: But you're equipping them to become violent killers.

GENERAL COSGROVE: Well, Ma'am, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?

The radio went silent and the interview ended.

 

[codash1099]

Dear friend,
I am Princess Leia Organa only survivor of the royal family of Alderan.

I am moved to write you this letter, this was in confidence considering my
present circumstance and situation. I was falsely imprisoned upon the
Imperial Battlestation when my planet was hideously destroyed and ended by
the very bad sith Lord Vader.

I escaped along with the aid of brave rebels and Wookies, and am now I am
lying low due to the situation in the 4th moon of Yavin till when things
gets better.

I have control here of the sum of $25, million in Imperial Credits deposited
with a security company for safekeeping on Tatooine. The funds were shipped
by a courier service as diplomatic items of high values to prevent them from
knowing the content. What I want you to do friend is to indicate your
interest that you will assist me by receiving the money on our behalf on
Tatooine and assist in investing this money in any lucrative business like
moisture farms and stock in multi-planetary companies and other safe
lucrative investment in your sector.

May I at this point emphasize the high level of confidentiality, which this
business demands, and hope you will not betray the trust and confidence
which I repose in you.

In conclusion, in the event you are interested to assist me I will like you
to contact my lawyer who I have stationed in Mos Eisley to witness the
transaction to it's conclusion.

You can reach him on his direct line via mail, his name is Watto the
Toydarian, I have the full trust in him.

Finally, I have set aside 15% of the total sum of the funds for your
assistance, and 5% for any expenses that shall be incurred during this
transaction.

I sincerely will appreciate your acknowledgment as soon as possible.

Help us, friend, you are our only hope.

Best regards,
Princess. L. Organa

 

[codash1099]

I was expecting an important telephone call the other night, so I slept with my mobile under my pillow.

When I woke up it was gone and all there was in its place was a shiny new fifty pence piece.

Damn that Blue-Tooth Fairy.

 

[oz_mark]

Re: How to silence a journo!

GENERAL COSGROVE: We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery, and shooting.

Hmm, last time I heard this story, they went abseiling as well

 

[codash1099]

Aviation Humor

Blue water Navy truism; There are more planes in the ocean than there are submarines in the sky.

If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it's probably a helicopter -- and therefore, unsafe.

When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash.

What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots? If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; If ATC screws up, the pilot dies.

Never trade luck for skill.

The three most common expressions (or famous last words) in aviation are: "Why is it doing that?", "Where are we?" and "Oh S#!+!"

Weather forecasts are horoscopes with numbers.

Progress in airline flying; now a flight attendant can get a pilot pregnant.

Airspeed, altitude or brains. Two are always needed to successfully complete the flight.

A smooth landing is mostly luck; two in a row is all luck; three in a row is prevarication.

I remember when sex was safe and flying was dangerous.

Mankind has a perfect record in aviation; we never left one up there!

Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a person on the ground incapable of understanding it or doing anything about it.

Just remember, if you crash because of weather, your funeral will be held on a sunny day.

Advice given to RAF pilots during W.W.II. When a prang (crash) seems inevitable, endeavor to strike the softest, cheapest object in the vicinity as slowly and gently as possible.

The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely kill you. (Attributed to Max Stanley, Northrop test pilot)

A pilot who doesn't have any fear probably isn't flying his plane to its maximum. (Jon McBride, astronaut)

Never fly in the same coughpit with someone braver than you.

The three best things in life are a good landing, a good cough, and a good bowel movement. The night carrier landing is one of the few opportunities in life where you get to experience all three at the same time. (Author unknown, but someone who's been there)

"Now I know what a dog feels like watching TV." (A DC-9 captain trainee attempting to check out on the 'glass coughpit' of an A-320).

Basic Flying Rules

Try to stay in the middle of the air. Do not go near the edges of it. The edges of the air can be recognized by the appearance of ground, buildings, sea, trees and interstellar space. It is much more difficult to fly there.

You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full power to taxi to the terminal.