A bit of humour

[spiggy_topes]

How to save the airlines

Dump the male flight attendants. No one wanted them in the first place.

Replace all the female flight attendants with good-looking strippers! What the hell -- They don't even serve food anymore, so what's the loss?

The strippers would at least triple the alcohol sales and get a "party atmosphere" going in the cabin. And, of course, every businessman in this country would start flying again, hoping to see naked women.

Because of the tips, female flight attendants wouldn't need a salary, thus saving even more money. I suspect tips would be so good that we could charge the women for working the plane and have them kick back 20% of the tips, including lap dances and "special services."

Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing naked women. Hijackings would come to a screeching halt, and the airline industry would see record revenues.

This is definitely a win-win situation if we handle it right -- a golden opportunity to turn a liability into an asset.

Why didn't Bush think of this? Why do I still have to do everything myself?

Sincerely,

Bill Clinton

 

[wallacej]

This is a link to youtube, and is a very unique in flight safety demonstration....

YouTube - strange flight attendant

 

[Reggie]

Where do baby planes come from?

A mother and her son were flying QANTAS from Perth to Brisbane.
The son, who had been looking out the window, turned to his mother and
asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs, and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"

The mother couldn't think of an answer straight away, so she told her son to ask the stewardess.

So the boy asked the stewardess, "If big dogs have baby dogs, and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"
The stewardess thought for a moment, then responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?"

"Yes", said the boy, "She did".

"Well then", said the stewardess, "Tell your mother that there are no baby planes, because QANTAS always pulls out on time. . . . . Have your mother explain THAT to you!!!"

 

[codash1099]

A retired corporate executive decided to take a vacation. He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life... until the boat sank! He found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day, when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore. In disbelief, he asks her, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"

She replies, "I rowed from the other side of the island. I landed here when my cruise ship sank."

"Amazing," he says. "You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you."

"Oh, this?" replies the woman. "I made the boat out of raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm branch and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."

"But, where did you get the tools?"

"Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman. "On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable, ductile iron. I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware." The guy is stunned.

"Let's row over to my place," she says. After a few hours of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls out off the boat. Before him is a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck.

As they walk into the house, she says casually, "It's not much, but I call it home sit down, please. Would you like a drink?" "No. No, thank you," he says, still dazed. "Can't take any more coconut juice."

"It's not coconut juice," the woman replies. "I have a still. How about a Pina Colada?"

Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk. After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the bathroom cabinet."

No longer questioning anything, the man goes into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet, is a razor made from a bone handle. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism. "This woman is amazing," he muses "What next?"

When he returns, she beckons for him to sit down next to her! "Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've been out here for a really long time. You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for all these months?" She stares into his eyes and takes his hand in hers...

He can't believe what he's hearing. He swallows excitedly, tears start to form in his eyes, and says,



"You mean... I can check my e-mails from here?"

 

[Reggie]

A retired corporate executive decided ...................

"You mean... I can check my e-mails from here?"

Should read

JohnK decided...................

"You mean... I can check the AFF forum from here?"

 

[JohnK]

Hmmm.... And I try not to log on to AFF while on holidays.

By the way if I were stranded on a deserted island and a woman appeared from nowhere....

 

[codash1099]

A blonde walks into a pharmac_ and asks the assistant for some rectum deodorant. The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman they don't sell rectum deodorant, and never have.

Unfazed, the blonde assures the pharmacist that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis, and would like some more.

"I'm sorry", says the pharmacist, "we don't have any."

"But I always get it here," says the blonde.

"Do you have the container it comes in?" he asks.

"YES!", said the blonde "I'll go home and get it."

She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist who looks at it and says to her, "This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant."

Annoyed, the blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container ...


"TO APPLY, PUSH UP BOTTOM"

 

[Alanslegal]

A Dublin University student, was on the side of the road
hitchhiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a big storm. The
night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he
could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly, he saw a car
slowly coming towards him and stopped. John, desperate for shelter and
without thinking about it, got into the car and closed the door, only
to realize there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't on.
The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road ahead and saw a
curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life.
Then, just before the car hit the curve, a hand appeared out of no
where through the window and turned the wheel.

John, paralyzed with terror, watched as the hand came through the
window, but never touched or harmed him. Shortly thereafter John saw
the lights of a pub appear down the road, so, gathering strength, he
jumped out of the car and ran to it. Wet and out of breath, he rushed
inside and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he
had just had.

A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realized he was crying
and....wasn't drunk. Suddenly, the door opened, and two other people
walked in from the dark and stormy night. They, like John, were also
soaked and out of breath. Looking around, and seeing John Bradford
sobbing at the bar, one said to the other...

'Look Paddy.....there's that fooking idiot that got in the car
while we were pushing it!!!!'

 

[straitman]

Taliban

A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the object, only to find a little old Jewish man at a small stand selling ties.
The Taliban asked, "Do you have water?"
The Jewish man replied, "I have no water, but would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5."
The Taliban shouted, "Idiot! I do not need an overpriced tie. I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first."
"OK," said the old Jewish man, "it does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the ice cold water you need. Shalom."
Muttering, the Taliban staggered away over the hill.
Several hours later he staggered back.............................................
"Your cough*ing brother won't let me in without a tie"

 

[straitman]

Last night my sister and I were sitting in the den and I said to her,"I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle to keep me alive. That would be no quality of life at all, If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

So she got up, unplugged the computer, and threw out my wine.

She's such a cough.

 

[codash1099]

The two old coots were both only a year short of retirement from the assembly line, but one Monday morning that didn't keep Joe from boasting to Sly about his sexual endurance.

"Three times," gasped Sly admiringly.

"How'd you do it?"

"It was easy." Joe looked down modestly. "I made love to my wife, and then I rolled over and took a ten-minute nap. When I woke up again, I made love to her again and took another ten- minute nap.

And then I put it to her again. Can you believe it! I woke up this morning feeling like a bull, I'll tell you."

"I gotta try it," said Sly.

So that night he made love to his wife, took a ten-minute nap, made love to her again, took another nap, woke up and made love to her a third time, then rolled over and fell sound asleep. He woke up feeling like a million bucks, pulled on his clothes, and ran to the factory, where he found his boss waiting outside for him.

"What's up, Boss?" he asked. "I've been working for you for twenty years and never been late once. You aren't going to hold these twenty minutes against me now, are you?"

"What twenty minutes?" growled the boss. "Where the hell were you on Tuesday and Wednesday?"

 

[codash1099]

A tough old cowboy counselled his grandson that if he wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gunpowder on his oatmeal every morning.

The grandson did this religiously to the age of 103.

When he died, he left 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 45 great grandchildren, 25 great-great grand children, and a 15-foot hole where the crematorium used to be.

 

[Alanslegal]

I was depressed last night so I called Lifeline.​

​

Got a call center in Pakistan.​

I told them I was suicidal.​

​

​

They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.​

​

​

​

 

[codash1099]

A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit her ball into the woods.

She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.

The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes.

"The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes. Whatever you wishfor your husband will get ....... times ten!"

The woman said "That's okay." For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful Woman in the world. The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man that ever lived, an Adonis whom women Will swoon over and flock to".

The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful Woman and he will have eyes only for me."

So, KAZAAM!!! - She's the most beautiful Woman in the world!

For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.

The frog said," That will make your husband the richest man in the world by far. And he will be ten times richer than you.

The woman said, "That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine."

So, KAZAAM!!! - She's the richest woman in the world!

The frog then inquired about her third wish, and after careful
consideration she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack."

Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.


ATTENTION female readers: This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue feeling good.


Male readers: Please scroll down





















The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife!!!

Moral of the story: Women are really dumb but think they're really smart Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show.


PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show that women are nosey cows and never listen!!!

 

[straitman]

When I was born God gave me two choices....




(1).... I could either have a Great memory....



OR



(2).. Be Great in bed !!!

S**t !!! ....Now I forgot what I waz gunna tell ya!!!

 

[codash1099]

Mr. Smith goes to the doctor's office to collect his wife's test results. The lab tech says to him, "I'm sorry, sir, but there has been a bit of a mix-up and we have a problem. When we sent the samples from your wife to the lab, the samples from another Mrs. Smith were sent as well and we are now uncertain which one is your wife's. Frankly, it is either bad or terrible!"

"What do you mean?"

"Well, one Mrs. Smith has tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other for AIDS. We can't tell which is your wife."

"That's terrible! Can we take the test over?"

"Normally, yes. But you have an limit on benefits, and they won't pay for these expensive tests more than once."

"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"

"The benefit fund recommends that you drop your wife off in the middle of town. If she finds her way home, don't sleep with her."

 

[straitman]

On AFF this is probably not just humour but factual :!:






A 2007 study found that the average Australian walks about 900 miles a year.

Another study found that Australians drink an average of 22 gallons of beer a year.

That means, on average, Australians get about 41 miles per gallon."

Not bad eh!

 

[straitman]

I rear ended a car a few days ago.

The driver got out of the other car, and he was a dwarf.

Man, was he mad!

He looked up at me and said, "I am NOT HAPPY!"

So I said, "Then, which one are you?"

Things got really bad after that...

 

[codash1099]

A man is sitting at the bar in his local tavern, furiously imbibing shots of whiskey. One of his friends happens to come into the bar and sees him.

"Lou," says the shocked friend, "what are you doing? I've known you for over fifteen years, and I've never seen you take a drink before. What's going on?"

Without even taking his eyes off his newly filled shot glass, the man replies, "My wife just ran off with my best friend."

He then throws back another shot of whisky in one gulp.

"But," says the other man, "I'm your best friend!"

The man turns to his friend, looks at him through bloodshot eyes, smiles, and then slurs,

"Not anymore!... He is!"

 

[codash1099]

REGARDLESS OF YOUR POLITICAL LEANINGS, THE SPIN PUT ON THIS STORY IS GOOD

Judy, a professional genealogical researcher, discovered that Hillary Clinton's great-great uncle, Remus Rodham, a fellow lacking in moral character, was hanged for horse stealing and train robbery in Montana in 1889. The only known photograph of Remus shows him standing on the gallows. On the back of the picture is this inscription: "Remus Rodham; horse thief, sent to Montana Territorial Prison 1885, escaped 1887, and robbed the Montana Flyer six times. Caught by Pinkerton detectives, convicted and hanged in 1889."

Judy e-mailed Hillary Clinton for comments. Hillary's staff of professional image adjusters cropped Remus' picture, scanned it, enlarged the image, and edited it with image processing software so that all that's seen is a head shot. The accompanying biographical sketch is as follows:

"Remus Rodham was a famous cowboy in the Montana Territory. His business empire grew to include the acquisition of valuable equestrian assets and intimate dealings with the Montana railroad. Beginning in 1883, he devoted several years of his life to service at a government facility, finally taking leave to resume his dealings with the railroad. In 1887, he was a key player in a vital investigation run by the renowned Pinkerton Detective Agency. In 1889, Remus passed away during an important civic function held in his honour when the platform upon which he was standing collapsed."