A bit of humour

A team of archaeologists was excavating in Israel when they came upon a cave. Written across the wall of the cave were the following symbols, in this order of appearance:

A woman, a donkey, a shovel, a fish, and a Star of David.

They decided that this was a unique find and the writings were at least three thousand years old. They chopped out the piece of stone and had it brought to the museum where archaeologists from all over the world came to study the ancient symbols. They held a huge meeting after months of conferences to discuss what they could agree was the meaning of the markings. The President of their society stood up and pointed at the first drawing and said:

"This looks like a woman. We can judge that this race was family-oriented and held women in high esteem. You can also tell they were intelligent, as the next symbol resembles a donkey, so, they were smart enough to have animals help them till the soil. The next drawing looks like a shovel of some sort, which means they even had tools to help them. Even further proof of their high intelligence is the fish which means that if a famine had hit the earth, whereby the food didn't grow, they would take to the sea for food. The last symbol appears to be the Star of David which means they were evidently Hebrews."

The audience applauded enthusiastically and the President smiled and said, "I'm glad to see that you are all in full agreement with our interpretations." Suddenly a little old man stood up in the back of the room and said, "Idiots! You are all wrong about what the writings say. First of all, everyone knows that Hebrew is not read from left to right, but from right to left. Look again. ... It now says:

"Holy Mackerel, Dig The cough On That Woman!"
 
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This made me HA HA HA HA HA :p for a Monday morning:---



A woman goes to her boyfriend's parents' house for Christmas dinner.

This is to be her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous.
They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal.
The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole. The gas pains are almost making her eyes water. Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty fart.

It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table heard the poof. Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend's father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing under the woman's chair, and said in a rather stern voice, 'Skippy!' The woman thought, 'This is great!' and a big smile came across her face.
A couple of minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again. This time, she didn't even hesitate. She let a much louder and longer rrrrrip. The father again looked at the dog and
yelled, 'Dammit Skippy!'
Once again the woman smiled and thought 'Yes!' A few minutes later the woman had to let another rip. This time she didn't even think about it. She let a fart rip that rivaled a train whistle blowing.

Once again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled, 'Dammit Skippy, get away from her, before she ****s on you!'
 
I as on TT7402, last week, OOL-MEL, and as we began our decent, the captain said "We are no begining our decent into Hong Kong International Airport", everyone laughed and there were a lot of stunned faces, but unfortuantly did land in melbourne, not hong kong, cause that ould have been a quick and cheap ticket (9.95 OOL-HONG!:) )
 
The Blonde Mortician.

A man who just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit. The Blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that sye wants him in a blue suite. She give the blonde mortician a blank cheque and says, "I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suite for the viewing".

The woman returns the next day for the wake, and to her delight she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suite with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly. She said to the mortician, "Whatever this cost, I'm very satisified. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful, how much did you spend?

To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank cheque and says, "There is no charge". "No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of thatexquisite blue suit" she says.

'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.''So I just switched the heads.
 
A thief in Paris was planning to steal some paintings from the Louvre.

After careful planning he got past security, stole the paintings, and got them safely to his van.

However, he was captured only two blocks away when his van ran out of petrol.

When asked how he could have masterminded such a crime and then made such an obvious error, he replied:

"Monsieur, that is the reason I stole the paintings. I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh."
 
Bono, lead singer of the rock band U2, is famous for being more than just a little self-righteous.

At a recent U2 concert in Glasgow, Scotland, he asked the audience for total quiet.

Then, in the silence, he started to slowly clap his hands, once every few seconds. Holding the audience in total silence, he said into the microphone, 'Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies.'

From the front of the crowd a voice with a broad Scottish accent pierced the quiet -

'Well, coughkin stop doin it then, ya evil cough!'
 
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A dog is truly a man's best friend.
If you don't believe it, just try this experiment.
Put your dog and your wife in the trunk of the car for an hour.

When you open the trunk, who is really happy to see you!
 
Stevie Wonder is playing a gig in Tokyo....

He's just finished playing his Seventies classic Sir Duke.

The crowd is still going wild when a young Japanese man at the front says, "Stevie Wonder, you play a jazz chord, you play a jazz chord!"

So Stevie plays an F# minor on his keyboard and goes off on a jazz riff. The Japanese man says, "No Stevie Wonder, you play a jazz chord!"

So Stevie tries an A and off he goes with the band on this amazing improvised moment.

When he's finished, the lad says, "No Stevie, a jazz chord, a jazz chord!"

By now old Stevie is a little confused. He says to the fan, "What do you mean, play a jazz chord? I've just done 2 for you...?"

"But it best song of Stevie Wonder! It bery famous!" comes the reply.

"Ok, well how does it go then?" enquires the blind musical genius.

The young Japanese man clears his throat and starts to sing: "A jazz chord......to say, I ruv you..."
 
Thought you might like this one!!

Apologies to the ladies (but it's true)

Choosing a wife.



A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three
likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches
to see what they do with the money.


The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets
her hair done, new makeup; buys several new outfits and dresses up very
nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more
attractive for him because she loves him so much.

The man was impressed.




The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of
golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive
clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent
all the money on him because she loves him so much.


Again, the man is impressed.




The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times
the $5,000. She gives him back his $5,000 and reinvests the remainder in
a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future
because she loves him so much.




Obviously, the man was impressed.




The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the
money he'd given her.



Then.........

he married the one with the biggest cough.


Men are like that, you know.

There is more money being spent on breast implants and cough today than
on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a
large elderly population with perky coughs and huge erections and
absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.


If you don't send this to five OLD friends right away there will be five
fewer people laughing in the world.
 
Oh my god - look at those gas prices

From themot.org

gas_prices.jpg


And the real story of what happened.
 
There was once a newly ordained priest who joined the staff of a large, well-to-do parish. His boss, the senior priest, had been there for many years and was steeped in wisdom. The young priest was very full of himself, having taken a number of prizes for preaching in seminary.

He was particularly proud of his efforts in the pulpit. Indeed, he said to his boss one day, "Father, there is not a subject in the world that I could, at the drop of a hat, find a Biblical text for and then be able to preach a sermon."

The senior priest decided to put his young charge to the test.

"Well, my boy," he said, "don't you be preparing any sermon for mass next Sunday. Instead, when you get into the pulpit you will find a sealed envelope which I will have put there. Inside the envelope there will be a single sheet of paper on which I will have written a one word topic. I defy you to find any kind of text that will fit."

The young priest looked forward to the test with relish.

The day came. He ascended the stairs into the pulpit. His boss was squirming with anticipation.

The young man opened the envelope, glanced at the sheet of paper on which was written the one word, "CONSTIPATION", and proclaimed: "And Moses took the two tablets and went off down the mountain....."
 
Why are wedding dresses white?

Son asked his mother the following question:

"Mom, why are wedding dresses white?" The mother looks at her son and replies,

"Son, this shows your friends and relatives that your bride is pure."

The son thanks his Mom and goes off to double-check this with his father.

"Dad why are wedding dresses white?"

The father looks at his son in surprise and says,

"Son, all household appliances come in white."
 
A man boarded an airplane in Sydney, Australia, with a
box of crabs. A female crewmember took it and promised
to put it in the crew's refrigerator, which she did.

Shortly before landing, she couldn't remember who gave
her the package, so she announced to the entire cabin,
"Would the gentleman who gave me the crabs in Sydney
please raise your hand?"

Not one hand went up.

So she took them home and ate them herself!
 
This is what you call REALITY SHOPPING.

A new supermarket opened near my house.
It has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh.
Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.
When you pass the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and you experience the scent of fresh mown hay.
In the meat department there is the aroma of charcoal grilled steaks with onions.
When you a approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle,

and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.
The bread department features the tantalizing smell of fresh baked bread & cookies.
I don't buy toilet paper there any more.

 
A cowboy walks into a bar and orders a whisky.

When the bartender delivers the drink, the cowboy asks, "Where is everybody?"

The bartender replies, "They've gone to the hanging."

"Hanging? Who are they hanging?"

"Brown Paper Pete," the bartender replied.

"What kind of a name is that?" the cowboy asked.

"Well," says the bartender, "he wears a brown paper hat, brown paper shirt, brown paper trousers and brown paper shoes."

"How bizarre," said the cowboy. "What are they hanging him for?"

"Rustling," answered the bartender.

 

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