A bit of humour

[Maca44]

An Irishman was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet.
"I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a full day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks.
The next time I see you, you should have lost at least 5 pounds."
When the Irishman returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost nearly 60 POUNDS!
"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?"
The Irishman nodded..."I'll tell you though, by jaesuz, I t'aut I were going to drop dead on dat turd day."
"From hunger, you mean?"
"No, from friggin' skippin!"

 

[codash1099]

A crusty old paratrooper colonel found himself at a gala event downtown, hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance. One of them approached the colonel for conversation.

She said, "Excuse me, sir, but you seem to be a very serious man. Are you this way all the time, or is something bothering you?"

"No," the colonel said, "just serious by nature!"

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations, and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."

The colonel's short reply was, "Yes, a lot of action."

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said: "You know, you should lighten up a little... relax and enjoy yourself."

The colonel just stared at her in his serious manner.

Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when was the last time you had sex?"

The colonel looked at her and replied, "1955."

She said, "well there you go, you really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously... I mean, no sex since 1955, isn't that a little extreme?"

The colonel, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice, "Oh, I don't know... It's only 2130 now."

 

[bambbbam2]

> An Australian ventriloquist visiting New Zealand walks into a small town
> and sees a local sitting on his porch patting his dog. He figures he'll
> have a little fun.
>
> Ventriloquist: "G'day Mate! Good looking dog, mate. Mind if I speak to
> him?"
>
> New Zealander: "The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Aussie."
>
> Ventriloquist: "Hey dog, how's it going old mate?"
>
> Dog: "Doin' alright."
>
> New Zealander: (extreme look of shock)
>
> Ventriloquist: "Is this Kiwi your owner?", pointing at New Zealander
>
> Dog: "Yep"
>
> Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"
>
> Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, and takes me to the lake once a week to play."
>
> New Zealander: (look of disbelief)
>
> Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"
>
> New Zealander: "Uh, the horse doesn't talk either...I think."
>
> Ventriloquist: "Hey horse, how's it going?"
>
> Horse: "Cool."
>
> New Zealander: (extreme look of shock)
>
> Ventriloquist: "Is this your owner?" (pointing at New Zealander)
>
> Horse: "Yep"
>
> Ventriloquist: "How's he treat you?"
>
> Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me
> down often, and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements."
>
> New Zealander: (total look of amazement)
>
> Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"
>
> New Zealander: "The sheep's a liar.

 

[wallacej]

A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the
plane when another man sat down in the aisle seat and put his
black Labrador Retriever in the middle seat next to the man.

The first man looked very quizzically at the dog and asked why
the dog was allowed on the plane.

The second man explained that he was a DEA agent and that the
dog was a 'sniffing dog'.

His name is Sniffer and he's the best there is.

I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work.'

The plane took off, and once it has levelled out, the agent
said, 'Watch this.' He told Sniffer to 'search.'

Sniffer jumped down, walked along the aisle, and finally sat
very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds.

Sniffer then returned to his seat and put one paw on the
agent's arm.

The agent said, 'Good boy', and he turned to the man and said,
'That woman is in possession of marijuan_, so I'm making a note
of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when
we land.

'Say, that's pretty neat,' replied the first man.

Once again, the agent sent Sniffer to search the aisles.

The lab sniffed about, sat down beside a man for a few seconds,
returned to its seat, and this time he placed two paws on the
agent's arm.

The agent said, 'That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm
making a note of his seat number for the police.'

I like it!' said his seat mate.

The agent then told Sniffer to 'search' again..

Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little while, sat
down for a moment, and then came racing back to the agent,
jumped into the middle seat and proceeded to s**t all over the
place.

The first man was really grossed out by this behaviour and
couldn't figure out how or why a well-trained dog would behave
like that, so he asked the agent, 'What's going on?'

The agent nervously replied, 'He just found a bomb.'

 

[wallacej]

Anon. AFF'r returned from a doctor's visit one day and told his wife Carolyn that the doctor said he only had 24 hours to live.

Wiping away her tears, he asked her to make love with him.

Of course she agreed and they made passionate love.

Six hours later, Anon. AFF'r went to her again, and said, "Honey, now I only have 18 hours left to live. Maybe we could make love again?" Carolyn agreed and again they made love.

Later, Anon. AFF'r was getting into bed when he realized he now had only eight hours of life left. He touched Carolyn's shoulder and said,

"Honey? Please? Just one more time before I die." She agreed, then afterward she rolled over and fell asleep.

The AFF'r , however, heard the clock ticking in his head, and he tossed and turned until he was down to only four more hours. He tapped his wife on the shoulder to wake her up.

"Honey, I only have four hours left! Could we...?" His wife sat up abruptly, turned to him and said, "Listen, I'm not being funny.... but I have to get up in the morning and you don't."

 

[codash1099]

A doctor dies and goes to heaven. St. Peter meets him at the Pearly
Gates and checks him in. After he's registered, St. Peter says to
him, "Look at the time! You must be hungry! Heaven Cafeteria is
serving lunch, why don't you get yourself something to eat?"

The doctor goes to the cafeteria and notices the long line. He
immediately cuts in at the front, only to hear loud protests. "I'm a
doctor" he says, "I'm a busy man, I don't have time to wait in line."

The others say, "You're in heaven now, we're all the same here, get
to the back of the line and wait your turn!"

A few weeks later, waiting patiently on line for lunch, the doctor
notices a man come dashing in wearing scrubs and a lab coat,
stethoscope around his neck. He butts in at the head of the line and
no one utters a peep. "Hey," he says to the guy in front of him, "Who
does that guy think he is?"

"Oh, that's God," says the guy, "He likes to play doctor."

 

[straitman]

Daddy, how was I born?

A little boy goes to his father and asks 'Daddy, how was I born?'


The father answers, 'Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said:

'You got Male!'

 

[codash1099]

In the days of old, when Genghis Kahn's men were running over Asia, they set their sights on further shores. Rather than 'huns', these warriors were known as Kahn's men, or simply, Kahns. When they had conquered all the way to the water's edge, they build boats, gathered their loot, and bravely went to sea. By a sad twist of fate, they encountered an island of lepers, which resulted in most of the crew being infected. Hastily leaving that island, they set sail again, but by the time they reached Ireland, there wasn't much left of them. Disembarking on stubby limbs, they set forth, but were soon set upon by the natives for the riches they carried.

Rotted away, but still clever, they hid on the island and awaited rescue, and the locals never did get their hands on the treasure.

And that's how the story of the little people got started in Ireland - the leper Kahn's and their pots of gold.

Cunning though diseased, the Kahns were never fooled by those who tried to trick them out of their pots of gold by swapping them for an empty pot - thus the saying: "You cannot change a leper's pots".

 

[dot]

Did you hear about the two Irishmen standing by a flagpole looking up? A blonde walked by and asked them what they were doing. Paddy replies "Were supposed to be finding out the bloody height of this flagpole, but don't have a ladder." The blonde takes out an adjustable wrench from her bag, loosens a few bolts and laid the flagpole down. She gets a tape measure out of her pocket, took a few measurements and announced that the flagpole was 18 feet 6 inches. and then walks off.

Mick says to Paddy, "Osn't that just like a blond! We need the height of the pole and she gives us the length,"

 

[straitman]

Ponderisms

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.

There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.

Life is sexually transmitted.

Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

Some people are like Slinkies. Not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?

Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again

All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire.

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"

Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there? I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta its butt."

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

Do you ever wonder why you gave me your email address?

 

[codash1099]

A Jewish lawyer was troubled by the way his son turned out, and
went to see his Rabbi about it. "I brought him up in the faith,
gave him a very expensive bar mitzvah, cost me a fortune to
educate him. Then he tells me last week he has decided to be a
Christian. Rabbi... where did I go wrong?"

"Funny you should come to me," said the Rabbi. "Like you, I,
too, brought my boy up in the faith, put him through
University, cost me a fortune, then one day he comes and tells
me he has decided to become a Christian."

"What did you do?" asked the lawyer. "I turned to God for the
answer," replied the rabbi.

"And what did he say?"

He said, "Funny you should come to me..."

 

[codash1099]

A scientist named Walter invented a shrinking ray. He tried it
on himself, and it worked. Unfortunately he couldn't reverse the
process, and he was stuck being the size of a normal man's thumb.

He had a loyal lab assistant who worked with him, though, so
his diminutive size didn't affect Walter's work too much. Still,
after a while, Walter began to long for female companionship.

His lab assistant thought up a highly unethical plan. He planned to
get a couple of ladies of the night, shrink them down to Walter's
size, and keep them shrunk until they could figure out a way to
reverse the process.

The lab assistant went to Times Square and tried to get the young
ladies, but it was trickier than it seemed. They were reluctant
to travel all the way to the lab, but the lab assistant offered
to double their usual rate, so they finally agreed.

As soon as they stepped into the lab, the assistant turned on the
shrinking ray. There was a flash of light and a puff of smoke,
and when the air had cleared --- the prostitutes were exactly the
same size as they were before.

"What's the big idea? Eek!" One of the prostitutes saw Walter
scurrying across the floor and squashed him flat with her
shoe. Walter was dead, and the experiment was ruined.

This was all because the lab assistant forgot what everyone already
knows: You can lead the coughs to Walter, but you can't make
'em shrink.

 

[straitman]

An elderly couple was attending Mass.


About halfway through, the wife leans over and says to her husband,
'I just let out a silent fart; what do you think I should do?'

He replies,

'Put a new battery in your hearing aid.'

 

[straitman]

The Pope was having a shower. Although he is very strict about the Celibacy rules, he occasionally felt the need to exercise the right wrist, and this was one of these occasions. Just as he reached the Papal Climax, he saw a paparazzi photographer capturing the moment of the holy seed flying through the air. 'Hold on a minute' said the Pope. 'You can't publish that. You'll destroy the reputation of the Catholic Church'.

'This picture is my lottery win' said the photographer. 'I'll be financially secure for life'.
So, the Pope offered to buy the camera from the photographer, and after lots of negotiation, they eventually arrived at a figure of two million dollars.
The Pope then dried himself off and headed off with his new camera.
He met his housekeeper, who spotted the camera. 'That looks like a really good camera' she said 'how much did it cost you?'

'Two million dollars' replied the Pope.

'TWO MILLION DOLLARS!' said the housekeeper, 'They must have seen you coming'.

 

[codash1099]

An Italian, an Irishman and a Chinese fellow are hired at a construction site.

The foreman points to a huge pile of sand and says to the Italian guy, "You're in charge of sweeping." To the Irishman he says "You're in charge of shovelling." To the Chinese guy, "You're in charge of supplies."

He then says "Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you guys to make a dent in that there pile."

So the foreman goes away for a couple hours, but when he returns the pile of sand is untouched.

He says to the Italian: "Why didn't you sweep any of it!?" The Italian replies in a heavy accent, "I no gotta broom, an' you tella me dat de Chinese'a guy supposa bringa da supplies, but he disappear and I no finda him."

Then the foreman turns to the Irishman and asks why he didn't shovel. The Irishman replies in his heavy brogue, "Aye, ye did lad, but I counna get meself a shovel. Ye left the Chinese guy in charge of supplies, but I counna fin' him."

The foreman is really angry now, and storms off toward the pile of sand looking for the Chinese guy.

Just then, the Chinese guy springs out from behind the pile of
sand and yells...

!!"Supplies"!!

 

[bambbbam2]

 

[straitman]

Meet The Parents

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet, and have dinner with her parents.
Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time. The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the
pharmacist to get some condoms.
He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.
At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time
and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and his girlfriend meets him at the door.
'Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!' she says.
The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are already seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his
head down.
10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.
Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and Whispers to the boyfriend, 'I had no idea you were this religious.'
The boy turns, and whispers back, 'I had no idea your father was a Pharmacist.'

 

[codash1099]

A man was walking home alone late one night when he hears a BUMP... BUMP... BUMP... behind him.

Walking faster he looks back, and makes out the image of an upright coffin banging its way down the middle of the street towards him ... BUMP... BUMP... BUMP...

Terrified, the man begins to run towards his home, the coffin bouncing quickly behind him ... faster... faster... BUMP...BUMP... BUMP.

He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him.

However, the coffin crashes through his door, with the lid of the coffin clapping ... clappity-BUMP... clappity-BUMP... clappity-BUMP...on the heals of the terrified man.

Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps.

With a loud CRASH the coffin breaks down the door. Bumping and clapping towards him.

The man screams and reaches for something, anything ... but all he can find is a box of cough drops!

Desperate, he throws the cough drops at the coffin ...

... and of course

... the coffin stops!

 

[Flashback]

Confucious say man who walk through airport terminal sideways.... going to Bangkok

 

[codash1099]

As the passengers settled in on a West Coast commuter
flight a flight attendant announced, "We'd like you folks
to help us welcome our new co-pilot. He'll be performing
his first commercial landing for us today, so be sure to
give him a big round of applause when we come to a stop."

The plane made an extremely bumpy landing, bouncing hard
two or three times before taxiing to a stop. Still, the
passengers applauded. Then the attendant's voice came
over the intercom, "Thanks for flying with us. And don't
forget to let our co-pilot know which landing you liked
best."