A bit of humour

[bambbbam2]

Apparently this product went on sale for a short time in ireland before it was withdrawn.. wonder why?

 

[codash1099]

Atlanta Airport

Atlanta ATC: 'Tower to Saudi Air 511 -- You are cleared to land eastbound on runway 9.

Saudi Air: 'Thank you Atlanta ATC. Acknowledge cleared to land on infidel's runway 9 - Allah be Praised.

=========

'Atlanta ATC: 'Tower to Iran Air 711 -- You are cleared to land westbound on runway 9.

'Iran Air: 'Thank you Atlanta ATC. We are cleared to land on infidel's runway 9. - Allah is Great.

'Pause... Saudi Air: ' ATLANTA ATC - ATLANTA ATC

'Atlanta ATC: 'Go ahead Saudi Air 511.'

Saudi Air: 'YOU HAVE CLEARED BOTH OUR AIRCRAFTS FOR THE SAME RUNWAY GOING IN OPPOSITE DIRECTIONS. WE ARE ON A COLLISION COURSE. INSTRUCTIONS , PLEASE.'

Atlanta ATC: 'Well bless your hearts. And praise Jesus. Y'all be careful now and tell Allah, 'hey' for us -- '

 

[Alanslegal]

Exercise for Older Adults
Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of
room at each side. With a 5-kg potato sack in each hand, extend your
arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can.

Try to reach a full minute, and then relax. Each day, you'll find that
you can hold this position for just a bit longer.
After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-kg potato sacks. Then try 50-kg
potato sacks and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a
100-kg potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more
than a full minute. (I'm at this level.)
After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each of the sacks.

 

[Alanslegal]

Biggest Loser T-Shirts - Now On Sale at leading department stores

It Says:--


I AM IN SHAPE!!

ROUND IS A SHAPE!!

 

[Ikara]

IF AIRLINES SOLD PAINT . . .

Customer: Hi. How much is your paint?

Clerk: Well, sir, that all depends on quite a lot of things.

Customer: Can you give me a guess? Is there an average price?

Clerk: Our lowest price is $12 a gallon, and we have 60 different prices up to $200 a gallon.

Customer: What's the difference in the paint?

Clerk: Oh, there isn't any difference; it's all the same paint.

Customer: Well, then I'd like some of that $12 paint.

Clerk: When do you intend to use the paint?

Customer: I want to paint tomorrow. It's my day off.

Clerk: Sir, the paint for tomorrow is the $200 paint.

Customer: When would I have to paint to get the $12 paint?

Clerk: You would have to start very late at night in about 3 weeks. But you will have to agree to start painting before Friday of that week and continue painting until at least Sunday.

Customer: You've got to be *&%^#@* kidding!

Clerk: I'll check and see if we have any paint available.

Customer: You have shelves FULL of paint! I can see it!

Clerk: But it doesn't mean that we have paint available. We sell only a certain number of gallons on any given weekend. Oh, and by the way, the price per gallon just went to $16. We don't have any more $12 paint.

Customer: The price went up as we were talking?

Clerk: Yes, sir. We change the prices and rules hundreds of times a day, and since you haven't actually walked out of the store with your paint yet, we just decided to change. I suggest you purchase your paint as soon as possible. How many gallons do you want?

Customer: Well, maybe five gallons. Make that six, so I'll have enough.

Clerk: Oh no, sir, you can't do that. If you buy paint and don't use it, there are penalties and possible confiscation of the paint you already have.

Customer: WHAT?

Clerk: We can sell enough paint to do your kitchen, bathroom, hall and north bedroom, but if you stop painting before you do the bedroom, you will lose your remaining gallons of paint.

Customer: What does it matter whether I use all the paint? I already paid you for it!

Clerk: We make plans based upon the idea that all our paint is used, every drop. If you don't, it causes us all sorts of problems.

Customer: This is crazy!! I suppose something terrible happens if I don't keep painting until after Saturday night!

Clerk: Oh yes! Every gallon you bought automatically becomes the $200 paint.

Customer: But what are all these, 'Paint on sale from $10 a liter' signs?

Clerk: Well that's for our budget paint. It only comes in half- gallons. One $5 half-gallon will do half a room. The second half- gallon to complete the room is $20. None of the cans have labels, some are empty and there are no refunds, even on the empty cans.

Customer: To hell with this! I'll buy what I need somewhere else!

Clerk: I don't think so, sir. You may be able to buy paint for your bathroom and bedrooms, and your kitchen and dining room from someone else, but you won't be able to paint your connecting hall and stairway from anyone but us. And I should point out, sir, that if you paint in only one direction, it will be $300 a gallon.

Customer: I thought your most expensive paint was $200!

Clerk: That's if you paint around the room to the point at which you started. A hallway is different.

Customer: And if I buy $200 paint for the hall, but only paint in one direction, you'll confiscate the remaining paint.

Clerk: No, we'll charge you an extra use fee plus the difference on your next gallon of paint. But I believe you're getting it now, sir.

Customer: You're insane!

Clerk: Thanks for painting with Northwest.

 

[codash1099]

Doctor Bloomfield, who was known for his extraordinary treatment of arthritis, had a waiting room full of people. A little old lady, almost bent over in half, shuffled in slowly, leaning on her cane. When her turn came, she went into the doctor's office and, amazingly, emerged within 5 minutes walking completely erect with her head held high.

A woman in the waiting room, who had seen all this, rushed up to the little old lady and said, "It's a miracle! You walked in nearly bent in half and now you're walking upright! What did the doctor do?"

"He gave me a longer cane."

 

[straitman]

Love Making for Seniors

**LOVEMAKING TIPS FOR SENIORS***

**1. Put on your glasses. Double check that your partner is actually in bed with you.**

**2. Set timer for 3 minutes, in case you doze off in the middle.**

**3. Set the mood with lighting. Turn them ALL OFF!**

**4. Make sure you put 000 on your speed dial before you begin.**

**5. Write partner's name on your hand in case you can't remember.**

**6. Keep extra polygrip close by so your teeth don't end up under the bed.**

**7. Have Panadol ready in case you actually complete the act.**

**8. Make all the noise you want. The neighbours are deaf too.**

**9. If it works, call everyone you know with the good news.**

**10. Don't even think about trying it twice.**

**(Notice I sent it in large bold type so you can read it***

 

[straitman]

Alabama Preacher and His Congregation

The Alabama preacher said to his Congregation,

"Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family."

No one moved.

The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood?

Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression."

Again all was quiet.

Then slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop traffic rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, "Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan.

I simply told a couple of my friends you were a wizard under the sheets."

The preacher fainted, and the congregation roared.

 

[codash1099]

An Australian Love Story-What a Woman!!!!!

Daryl is driving over the Sydney Harbour Bridge one day when he sees his girlfriend Shazza about to throw herself off.

Daryl slams on the brakes and yells:

"Shazza what the blazes d'ya think ya doing?"

Shazza turns around with a tear in her eye and says:

"G'day Daryl. You got me pregnant, so now I'm gonna kill meself".

Daryl gets a lump in his throat when he hears this.

Shazza", he says.......... "Fair dinkum, not only are ya the top in bed, but you're a real sport too" ..... and drives off..........

 

[codash1099]

A conductor was having a lot of trouble with a drummer. He constantly gave this guy personal attention and much advice, but his performance simply didn't improve. Finally, before the whole orchestra, he took a critical jab at the drummer,

"When a musician just can't handle his instrument and doesn't improve when given help, they take away the instrument, give him two sticks, and make him a drummer -- which must be why you play the drums."

A stage whisper was heard from the percussion section,

"And if he can't handle even that, they take away one of his sticks and make him a conductor."

 

[NM]

A conductor was having a lot of trouble with a drummer. He constantly gave this guy personal attention and much advice, but his performance simply didn't improve. Finally, before the whole orchestra, he took a critical jab at the drummer,

"When a musician just can't handle his instrument and doesn't improve when given help, they take away the instrument, give him two sticks, and make him a drummer -- which must be why you play the drums."

A stage whisper was heard from the percussion section,

"And if he can't handle even that, they take away one of his sticks and make him a conductor."

Speaking of which, do you know why they always have a 20 minute intermission at a concert?

If it was any longer they would need to re-train the drummer.

 

[straitman]

Speaking of which, do you know why they always have a 20 minute intermission at a concert?

If it was any longer they would need to re-train the drummer.

What's the definition of a 'Drummer' :?:

Someone who hangs around with musicians :!:

 

[JohnK]

SEX is not the answer!






SEX is the question,
And YES is the answer!

 

[wallacej]

SMART cough ANSWER
It was mealtime during a flight on Alaska Airlines.
'Would you like dinner?' the flight attendant asked John, seated in front.
'What are my choices?' John asked.
'Yes or no,' she replied.

SMART cough ANSWER
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.
As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.
Wi thout missing a beat, she said, 'Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub.

 

[codash1099]

A married couple decided to spend the night of their 20th anniversary alone, with the husband planning a special night for his wife of many years.
When the big night arrived, he surprised his lady with a beautiful limo for the evening. Inside the limo were chocolate-dipped strawberries, champagne, and tickets to a show.

After the show, the husband took his wife to an expensive restaurant, where they enjoyed a wonderful meal.

At the end of the evening, they journeyed home, and to the wife’s delight, her husband brought out a small, wrapped box and gave it to her.

She gasped and tore into the wrapping. Inside the box were two perfectly round aspirins.

“I don’t have a headache” she stated.

The husband smiled. “Gotcha!”

 

[Reggie]

This is for you JohnK

A guy sitting alone at a bar at Brisbane noticed a really beautiful woman
sitting next to him.
He thought to himself: "Wow, she's so gorgeous, she must be an off duty
flight attendant. But which airline does she work for?"
Hoping to pick her up, he leaned towards her and uttered the Delta slogan:
"Love to fly and it shows?"
She gave him a blank, confused stare and he immediately thought to
himself: "Damn, she doesn't work for Delta."
A moment later, another slogan popped into his head. He leaned towards her
again, "Something special in the air?"
She gave him the same confused look. He mentally kicked himself, and
scratched Singapore Airlines off the list.
Next he tried the Thai Airways slogan: "Smooooth as Silk."
This time the woman turned to him, "Look, what the f@@k do you want?"
The man smiled, slumped back in his chair and muttered, "Of course, Qantas".

 

[JohnK]

To: The citizens of the United States of America:

In light of your failure to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas , which she does not fancy).

Your new prime minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a governor for America without the need for further elections.

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.

A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.

1. Then look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix -ize will be replaced by the suffix -ise.

Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').

3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as 'like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.

There is no such thing as US English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell- checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of -ize. You will relearn your original national anthem, God Save The Queen.

4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent.

Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.

6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

7. All American cars are hereby banned. They are cough and this is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.

Holden Monaro's are also approved.

8. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables.

Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

9. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) -- roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it.

10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

11. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager.

South African beer is also acceptable as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting Nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of British Commonwealth -- see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all
can be sold without risk of further confusion.

12. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters.

Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

13. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or
wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies). Don't try Rugby -- the South Africans and Kiwis will thrash you, like they regularly thrash us.

14. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America . Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we
will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.

15. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

16. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

17. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 pm with proper cups, never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; strawberries in season. God save the Queen. Only He can.

John Cleese

 

[codash1099]

Declaration Of Independence Reply

The Court of King George III
London, England

July 10, 1776

Mr. Thomas Jefferson
c/o The Continental Congress
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

Dear Mr. Jefferson:

We have read your "Declaration of Independence" with great interest. Certainly, it represents a considerable undertaking, and many of your statements do merit serious
consideration. Unfortunately, the Declaration as a whole fails to meet recently adopted specifications for proposals to the Crown, so we must return the document to you for
further refinement. The questions which follow might assist you in your process of revision:

1. In your opening paragraph you use the phrase "the Laws of Nature and Nature`s God." What are these laws? In what way are they the criteria on which you base your central arguments? Please document with citations from the recent literature.

2. In the same paragraph you refer to the "opinions of mankind." Whose polling data are you using? Without specific evidence, it seems to us the "opinions of mankind" are a matter of opinion.

3. You hold certain truths to be "self-evident." Could you please elaborate. If they are as evident as you claim then it should not be difficult for you to locate the appropriate
supporting statistics.

4. "Life, Liberty, and the pursuit of happiness" seem to be the goals of your proposal. These are not measurable goals. If you were to say that "among these is the ability to sustain an average life expectancy in six of the 13 colonies of at last 55 years, and to enable newspapers in the colonies to print news without outside interference, and to raise the average income of the colonists by 10 percent in the next 10 years," these could be measurable goals. Please clarify.

5. You state that "Whenever any Form of Government becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the People to alter or to abolish it, and to institute a new Government" Have you weighed this assertion against all the alternatives? What are the trade-off considerations?

6. Your description of the existing situation is quite extensive. Such a long list of grievances should precede the statement of goals, not follow it. Your problem statement needs improvement.

7. Your strategy for achieving your goal is not developed at all. You state that the colonies "ought to be Free and Independent States," and that they are "Absolved from All Allegiance to the British Crown." Who or what must change to achieve this objective? In what way must they change? What specific steps will you take to overcome the resistance? How long will it take? We have found that a little foresight in
these areas helps to prevent careless errors later on. How cost-effective are your strategies?

8. Who among the list of signatories will be responsible for implementing your strategy? Who conceived it? Who provided the theoretical research? Who will constitute the advisory committee? Please submit an organization chart and vitas of
the principal investigators.

9. You must include an reviewuation design. We have been requiring this since Queen Anne`s War.

10. What impact will your problem have? Your failure to include any assessment of this inspires little confidence in the long-range prospects of your undertaking.

11. Please submit a PERT diagram, an activity chart, itemized budget, and manpower utilization matrix.

We hope that these comments prove useful in revising your "Declaration of Independence." We welcome the submission of your revised proposal. Our due date for unsolicited proposals is July 31, 1776. Ten copies with original signatures will be required.

Sincerely,

Management Analyst to the British Crown

 

[spiggy_topes]

Kiwi Vasectomy

After having their 11th child, an Kiwi couple decided that was enoughas they could not afford a larger bed.

So the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wifedidn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that would fix the problem but it was expensive. A less costly alternative was to go home, get a firework, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.

The husband said to the doctor, "Blimey Doc, I may not be the smartest guy in the world, but I don't see how putting a firework in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me."

"Trust me, it will! do the job", said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a bunger and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count: "1, 2, 3, 4, 5," at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs so he could continue counting on his other hand...

 

[bambbbam2]