A bit of humour

[NM]

Most ridiculous British law

Die and you're under arrest! Britain's most stupid laws - Yahoo! News UK

Most ridiculous British law:

1. It is illegal to die in the Houses of Parliament

2. It is an act of treason to place a postage stamp bearing the British monarch upside-down

3. In Liverpool, it is illegal for a woman to be topless except as a clerk in a tropical fish store

4. Mince pies cannot be eaten on Christmas Day

5. In Scotland, if someone knocks on your door and requires the use of your toilet, you must let them enter

6. A pregnant woman can legally relieve herself anywhere she wants, including in a policeman's helmet

7. The head of any dead whale found on the British coast automatically becomes the property of the king, and the tail of the queen

8. It is illegal to avoid telling the tax man anything you do not want him to know, but legal not to tell him information you do not mind him knowing

9. It is illegal to enter the Houses of Parliament in a suit of armour

10. In the city of York it is legal to murder a Scotsman within the ancient city walls, but only if he is carrying a bow and arrow

 

[simongr]

Re: Most ridiculous British law

Die and you're under arrest! Britain's most stupid laws - Yahoo! News UK

9. It is illegal to enter the Houses of Parliament in a suit of armour

This one does actually seem sensible - mind you, it might set off the WTMDs...

10. In the city of York it is legal to murder a Scotsman within the ancient city walls, but only if he is carrying a bow and arrow

I have been waiting for this to happen for years - wonder if there are any scotsmen in the Univsity archery club...

 

[winetraveller]

I remember when sex was safe and flying was dangerous.

My god, how old are you?

 

[codash1099]

My god, how old are you?

About this old:

An old man turned 115 and was being interviewed by a reporter for
the local paper. During the interview the reporter noticed that
the yard was full of children of all ages playing together. A
very pretty girl of about 19 served the old man and the reporter,
keeping them in fresh tea and running errands for them.

"Are these your grandkids?" the reporter asked.

"Naw, sir, they all be my younguns," the old man replied with a
sly grin.

"Your kids?" said the reporter. "What about this beautiful young
lady who keeps bringing us tea? Is she one of your children too?"

"Naw, sir," said the old man. "She be my wife."

"Your wife?" said the surprised reporter. "But she can't be more
than 19 years old."

"Thass right," said the old man with pride.

"Well, surely you can't have a sex life with you being 115 and
she being only 19," the reporter remarked.

"Sir, " said the old man. "We have sex every night. Every
night two of my boys helps me on it, and every morning six of my
boys helps me off."

"Wait just one minute," said the newspaperman. "Why does it only
take two of your boys to put you on, but it takes six of them to
take you off?"

"Cause," the spry old man said with a balled fist, "I fights
'em."

 

[Maca44]

My god, how old are you?

This might answer your question, which is something my 57 year ofld younger brother sent me, most of which I can remember.

TO ALL THE KIDS WHO WERE BORN IN THE 1920's, 30's 40's, 50's, 60's and 70's !!

First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they carried us and lived in houses made of asbestos.

They took aspirin, ate blue cheese, tuna from a can, and didn't get tested for diabetes or cervical cancer.

Then after that trauma, our baby cribs were covered with bright colored lead-based paints.

We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets or shoes, not to mention, the risks some of us took hitchhiking.

As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags.

Riding in the back of a Ute on a warm day was always a special treat.

We drank water from the garden hose and NOT from a bottle.

Take away food was limited to fish and chips, no pizza shops, McDonalds, KFC, Subway or Red Rooster.

Even though all the shops closed at 6.00pm and didn't open on the weekends, somehow we didn't starve to death!

We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and no one actually died from this.

We could collect old drink bottles and cash them in at the corner store and buy Fruit Tingles and some fire crackers to blow up frogs and lizards with.

We ate cupcakes, white bread and real butter and drank soft drinks with sugar in it, but we weren't overweight because......we were always outside playing.

We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on.

No one was able to reach us all day. And we were O.K.

We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then ride down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. We built tree houses and cubby houses and played in creek beds with matchbox cars.

We did not have Playstations, Nintendo's, X-boxes, no video games at all, no 99 channels on cable, no video tape or DVD movies, no surround sound, no mobile phones, no personal computers, no Internet or Internet chat rooms.......... We had friends and we went outside and found them!

We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no Lawsuits from these accidents.

Only girls had pierced ears!

We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us forever.

You could only buy Easter Eggs and Hot Cross buns at Easter time.......no really!

We were given BB guns and sling shots for our 10th birthdays,

We drank milk laced with Strontium 90 from cows that had eaten grass covered in nuclear fallout from the atomic testing at Maralinga in 1956.

We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just yelled for them!

Mum didn't have to go to work to help dad make ends meet!

Footy had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment. Imagine that!!

Our teachers used to belt us with big sticks and leather straps and bully's always ruled the playground at school.

The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of, and they actually sided with the law!

Our parents got married before they had children and didn't invent stupid names for their kids like "Kiora" and "Blade"....

This generation has produced some of the best risk-takers, problem solvers and inventors ever!

The past 70 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas.

We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned how to deal with it all!

 

[straitman]

An atheist was spending a quiet day fishing when suddenly his boat was attacked by the Loch Ness monster. In one easy flip, the beast tossed him and his boat high into the air. Then it opened its mouth to swallow both. As the man sailed head over heels, he cried out, "Oh, my God! Help me!" At once, the ferocious attack scene froze in place, and as the atheist hung in mid-air, a booming voice came down from the clouds, "I thought you didn't believe in Me!" "Come on God, give me a break!!" the man pleaded. "Two minutes ago I didn't believe in the Loch Ness monster either!"

 

[codash1099]

Experts warned today of a new and deadly threat to our
beleaguered civilization: The 100GB Bug.

As most people know, McDonald's restaurant signs show the number
of hamburgers the giant chain has sold. That number now stands at
99 billion burgers, or 99 Gigaburgers (GB).
Within months or even weeks, that number will roll over to 100GB.
McDonald's signs, however, were designed years ago, when the
prospect of selling one hundred billion hamburgers seemed
unthinkably remote. So the signs have space for only two digits.
This means that, after the sale of the 100 billionth burger,
McDonald's signs will read "00 Billion Burgers Sold."
This, experts predict, will convince the public that, in over
thirty years, no McDonald's hamburgers have ever in fact been
sold, causing a complete collapse of consumer confidence in
McDonald's products.

The ensuing catastrophic drop in sales is seen as almost certain
to force the already-troubled company into bankruptcy. This, in
turn, will push the teetering American economy over the brink,
which, finally, will complete the total devastation of the global
economy, ending civilization as we know it, and forcing us all to
live on beetles.

"The people who know, the sign-makers, are really scared of
100GB", one expert said. "I don't know about you, but I'm digging
up a copy of THE FIELD GUIDE TO NORTH AMERICAN INSECTS and
heading for the hills."

 

[codash1099]

Aviation Humor - Pilots & Controllers

Blue water Navy truism; There are more planes in the ocean than there are submarines in the sky.

If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it's probably a helicopter -- and therefore, unsafe.

When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash.

Without ammunition the USAF would be just another expensive flying club.

What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots? If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; If ATC screws up, the pilot dies.

Never trade luck for skill.

The three most common expressions (or famous last words) in aviation are: "Why is it doing that?", "Where are we?" and "Oh S#!+!"

Weather forecasts are horoscopes with numbers.

Progress in airline flying; now a flight attendant can get a pilot pregnant.

Airspeed, altitude or brains. Two are always needed to successfully complete the flight.

I remember when sex was safe and flying was dangerous.
Mankind has a perfect record in aviation; we never left one up there!

Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a person on the ground incapable of understanding it or doing anything about it.

When a flight is proceeding incredibly well, something was forgotten.

Just remember, if you crash because of weather, your funeral will be held on a sunny day.

Advice given to RAF pilots during W.W.II. When a prang (crash) seems inevitable, endeavor to strike the softest, cheapest object in the vicinity as slowly and gently as possible.

The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely kill you. (Attributed to Max Stanley, Northrop test pilot)

A pilot who doesn't have any fear probably isn't flying his plane to its maximum. (Jon McBride, astronaut)

If you're faced with a forced landing, fly the thing as far into the crash as possible. (Bob Hoover - renowned aerobatic and test pilot)

If an airplane is still in one piece, don't cheat on it; ride the cough down. (Ernest K. Gann, author & aviator)

Though I Fly Through the Valley of Death I Shall Fear No Evil For I am at 80,000 Feet and Climbing. (sign over the entrance to the SR-71 operating location Kadena, Japan).
Never fly in the same coughpit with someone braver than you.

There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime. (Sign over squadron ops desk at Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ, 1970).

The three best things in life are a good landing, a good cough, and a good bowel movement. The night carrier landing is one of the few opportunities in life where you get to experience all three at the same time. (Author unknown, but someone who's been there)

"Now I know what a dog feels like watching TV." (A DC-9 captain trainee attempting to check out on the 'glass coughpit' of an A-320).

Basic Flying Rules

Try to stay in the middle of the air. Do not go near the edges of it. The edges of the air can be recognized by the appearance of ground, buildings, sea, trees and interstellar space. It is much more difficult to fly there.

You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full power to taxi to the terminal.

 

[bambbbam2]

Two newly-weds go on their honeymoon. As they start getting hot and heavy, the woman says, "Please be careful with me—I'm a virgin."

The puzzled man replies, "But you've been married three times before."

"I know," she says. "My first husband was a psychiatrist and all he wanted to do was talk about it. My second husband was a gynaecologist and he just wanted to look at it. And my third husband was a stamp collector and all he wanted to do was—God, I miss him."

 

[codash1099]

The businessman dragged himself home and barely made it to his chair before he dropped exhausted.

His sympathetic wife was right there with a tall cool drink and a comforting word.

"My, you look tired," she said. "You must have had a hard day today. What happened to make you so exhausted?"

"It was terrible," her husband said. "The computer broke down and all of us had to do our own thinking."

 

[serfty]

Reminds me of (a true) tale when I travelled DFW to ANC last year.

Shortly after take-off the pilot made an announcement that all three ( ) autopilots were not working and the aircraft would have to lob into SEA for ¼ hours while the problem was attended to.

In the meantime we would be travelling at 25,000' to burn extra fuel.

For the next ¾ hour my 1F window gave me a lot closer view of the USA than normal.

Then the pilot came on again and said they had actually decided to fly all the way to ANC on Manual. :shock:

We landed on time and both the Pilot and Co-Pilot were out of the coughpit to say cheers to all disembarking passengers. Both with smug, gleaming grins. Like "Oh! Wow! We actually flew this 757 all the way ".

 

[straitman]

Reminds me of (a true) tale when I travelled DFW to ANC last year.

Shortly after take-off the pilot made an announcement that all three ( ) autopilots were not working and the aircraft would have to lob into SEA for ¼ hours while the problem was attended to.

In the meantime we would be travelling at 25,000' to burn extra fuel.

For the next ¾ hour my 1F window gave me a lot closer view of the USA than normal.

Then the pilot came on again and said they had actually decided to fly all the way to ANC on Manual. :shock:

We landed on time and both the Pilot and Co-Pilot were out of the coughpit to say cheers to all disembarking passengers. Both with smug, gleaming grins. Like "Oh! Wow! We actually flew this 757 all the way ".

serfty,

This is 'A BIT OF HUMOUR' and not meant to be serious!

 

[straitman]

Three men were discussing aging at the nursing home. Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60- year-old. You always feel like you have to pee. And most of the time, you stand at the toilet and nothing comes out!"

"Ah, that's nothin'," said the 70-year-old. When you're seventy, you don't have a bowel movement anymore. You take laxatives, eat bran, you sit on the toilet all day and nothin' comes out!"

"Actually," said the 80-year-old, "Eighty is the worst age of all."

"Do you have trouble peeing too?" asked the 60-year-old. "No, not really. I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a flat rock; no problem at all."

"Do you have trouble having a bowel movement?" "No, I have one every morning at 6:30."

With great exasperation, the 60-year-old said, "Let me get this straight. You pee every morning at 6:00 and poop every morning at 6:30. So what's so tough about being 80?"

"I don't wake up until 7:00."

 

[straitman]

Once upon a time, a blonde became so sick of hearing blonde jokes that
she had her hair cut and dyed brown. A few days later, as she was out
driving around the countryside, she stopped her car to let a flock of
sheep pass.

Admiring the cute wooly creatures, she said to the shepherd, "If I can
guess how many sheep you have, can I take one?"

The shepherd, always the gentleman, said, "Sure!"

The blonde thought for a moment and, for no discernible reason, said, "352."

This being the correct number, the shepherd was, understandably,
totally amazed, and exclaimed, "You're right! O.K., I'll keep to my end
of the deal. Take your pick of my flock."

The blonde carefully considered the entire flock and finally picked the
one that was by far cuter and more playful than any of the others.

When she was done, the shepherd turned to her and said, "O.K., now I
have a proposition for you. If I can guess your true hair color, can I
have my dog back?

 

[codash1099]

The traffic light wasn't working on the corner of Broadway and 72nd
Street, so the blonde stood with a large crowd of people waiting to
cross. A cop was directing traffic.

Finally, the cop blew his whistle, motioned to the crowd, and shouted,
"Okay, pedestrians!" The swelling throng surged across Broadway -- all
except the blonde, who stayed on the corner.

When the walkers were safely on the other side of the street, the cop
moved the cross-traffic through the intersection. Half a minute later,
he stopped the cars on Broadway and sent the 72nd Street traffic into motion.

Again, he got around to the blonde's corner, where by this time she
had again been joined by a crowd of people. Tweeeeeeeet! "Okay, pedestrians!"

The crowd crossed the street, but again the blonde stayed put. She
looked at her watch and tapped her foot as if she was in a hurry to get
somewhere, but never budged from the sidewalk.

The cop ran the traffic through seven more cycles, each time blowing
his whistle and then yelling "Okay, pedestrians!"

The blonde never moved. Finally, after the cop yelled "Okay,
pedestrians!" for the eighth time.

The blonde shouted across traffic, "Yo! Officer! Isn't it about time
you let the Catholics cross?"

 

[codash1099]

A blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise money, she decided to
kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom. So she went to a playground, grabbed a
kid, and took him behind a tree. "I've kidnapped you!", said the blonde and
then proceeded to write a note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow
morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and place it under the pecan tree next
to the playground. Signed, A Blonde." The Blonde then pinned the note to the
kid's shirt and sent him home to show his parents.

The next morning the blonde checked under the tree and surely enough, a
paper bag was sitting there. The Blonde opened the bag and found the $10,000
with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow blonde?"

 

[Reggie]

It seems there is a place for Unions after all.....

Its called Workplace Choices....

KALGOORLIE STORY
For those of you who do not know, Kalgoorlie is a large gold mining town in Western Australia. It has accepted brothels which are a tourist attraction.

The Prime Minister Kevin Rudd was attending a convention in Kalgoorlie, Western Australia and decided to check out the local brothels. When he got to the first one, he asked the Madam, 'Is this a union house?'

'No,' she replied, 'I'm sorry it isn't.'

'Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?'

'The house gets $80 and the girls get $20,' she answered

Offended at such unfair dealings, Kevin Rudd stomped off down the street in
search of a more equitable, hopefully unionized shop. His search continued
until finally he reached a brothel where the Madam responded,

'Why yes sir, this is a union house. We observe all union rules.'

Kevin Rudd asked, 'And if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?'

'The girls get $80 and the house gets $20.'

'That's more like it!' Kevin Rudd said.

He handed the Madam $100, looked around the room, and pointed to a
stunningly attractive blonde.

'I'd like her,' he said.

'I'm sure you would, sir,' said the Madam. Then she gestured to a 92-year
old woman in the corner, 'but Ethel here has 67 years seniority and according to union rules, she's next.'

 

[serfty]

TRY THIS


Type in Family name in the first box.
Type your First name in the second box.
Just ignore the next two boxes,

and CLICK on VISUALIZAR

Bar da Boa

 

[codash1099]

The weary holiday traveler looked in disbelief at a bunch of mistletoe hanging above the luggage check-in center.

Turning to the attendant, he said, "Okay, I give up. Why is the mistletoe hanging there above the luggage scale?"

The attendant said, "So you can kiss your luggage good-bye."

 

[Reggie]

The weary holiday traveler looked in disbelief at a bunch of mistletoe hanging above the luggage check-in center.

Turning to the attendant, he said, "Okay, I give up. Why is the mistletoe hanging there above the luggage scale?"

The attendant said, "So you can kiss your luggage good-bye."

This thread was supposed to be humourous.