A bit of humour

[tuapekastar]

Sorry if it's a repeat - too much thread to review.

One day, the Pope is visiting America and driving around Washington in his limo when he gets an idea.
"Driver? Can I drive for a while?"
"Sure," says the driver. How can you say no to the Pope? So the Pope takes the wheel and starts driving like a maniac all around Washington -- dodging in and out of traffic, going eighty, cutting people off. Soon, a cop pulls him over. But when the Pope rolls down the window, the cop stops dead in his tracks, and goes back to the car.
"We got somebody really important here," he says to his partner.
"Who is it? Is it a senator?"
"No. More important."
"The president?"
"No. More important."
"An ambassador? Who?"
"I don't know. But the Pope is his driver."

 

[Hvr]

That's pretty tasteless :mrgreen: However:

Paramedics might have saved him if they hadn’t wasted 3 hours trying to get the colour back into his cheeks.

I heard the funeral will be held at 3:15… that’s when the big hand touches the little hand.

Actually only Michael’s body will be buried, his head will go in the recycling bin.

Either that or he’ll be melted down into Lego blocks. That way, kids could play with him for a change.

Pretty tasteless and extremely funny. As you may remember Farah Fawcett Majors won best supporting death the same day. So she gets up to heaven pretty quickly and God grants her a wish.

She wants to protect all the children of the world. Seconds later Michael Jackson was dead.

 

[straitman]

Understanding Women

The thread Re: Firefox, Flash and the rage against corporate IT environments got me thinking so I followed the links and found the answer. I only wish I had known this about 40 years ago.

Understanding Women


At long last... The Men’s Guide to what a woman really means when she says something.

Pay close attention (there might be a quiz later).

You want = You want

We need = I want

It’s your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now.

Do what you want = You’ll pay for this later.

We need to talk = I need to complain

Sure... go ahead = I don’t want you to.

I’m not upset = Of course I’m upset, you moron!

You’re ... so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot.

You’re certainly attentive tonight. = Is sex all you ever think about?

I’m not emotional! And I’m not overreacting! = I’m on my period.

Be romantic, turn out the lights. = I have flabby thighs.

This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house.

I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper.....

I need wedding shoes = the other 40 pairs are the wrong shade of white.

Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there!

I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep.

Do you love me? = I’m going to ask for something expensive.

How much do you love me? = I did something today you’re really not going to like.

I’ll be ready in a minute. = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on T.V.

Is my butt fat? = Tell me I’m beautiful.

You have to learn to communicate. = Just agree with me.

Are you listening to me!? = [Too late, you’re dead.]

Yes = No

No = No

Maybe = No

I’m sorry. = You’ll be sorry.

Do you like this recipe? = It’s easy to fix, so you’d better get used to it.

Was that the baby? = Why don’t you get out of bed and walk him until he goes to sleep.

I’m not yelling! = Yes I am yelling because I think this is important.

All we’re going to buy is a soap dish = It goes without saying that we’re stopping at the cosmetics department, the shoe department, I need to look at a few new pocket books, and OMIGOD those pink sheets would look great in the bedroom and did you bring your checkbook?

(The answer to "What’s wrong?")

The same old thing = Nothing

Nothing = Everything

Everything = My PMS is acting up

Nothing, really = It’s just that you’re such an asshole

I don’t want to talk about it = Go away, I’m still building up steam

 

[anat0l]

Re: Understanding Women

Understanding Women

Words of wisdom passed on by a long-time successfully married man...befittingly :mrgreen: After all....



Why did God create Adam before Eve?

So that he could have a chance to talk.

 

[straitman]

A Politically Incorrect Joke

[FONT=&quot]Paddy was walking along a street in Dublin when he rounds a corner and there's a high rise building on fire.

Paddy being the kind-hearted Irishman, runs up to the building to see if he can help and notices people trapped 5 stories up.

Paddy yells to the people 'I'm Patrick Sean Michael Fitzpatrick, the Irish Rugby Union fullback. If you jump I'll catch you.'

One lady, in desperation, jumps and sure enough Paddy catches her.

Then a man sees that Paddy catches the women and jumps. Sure enough Paddy catches him safely.

Then a black man jumps out and falls to the ground. Paddy didn't even attempt to catch him.


Paddy looked up and yelled 'Don't throw out the Fooken' burnt ones!'
[/FONT]

 

[JohnK]

Sorry for going Off-Topic in the Humour thread.

I only wish I had known this about 40 years ago.

Understanding Women


At long last... The Men’s Guide to what a woman really means when she says something.

Understanding women? Is it just me or are women (almost) impossible to understand? I am 45 years of age and more confused today than I was when I first discovered women existed.

 

[codash1099]

Two blondes were skiing at Aspen, when they got into a debate about the best way to ski down a particular hill.

"The best way is down the left side of the course, where it's nearly all powder," said the first blonde.

"No, the best way is straight down the middle, where the snow is packed tight," argued the other.

"Look," said the first blonde. "Let's get another opinion. There's a guy dragging a sled up the hill. Let's go ask him."

The second blonde agreed, and in a few minutes the two caught up with the guy.

"Excuse me," said the first blonde. "I say the best way to ski down this hill is to take the left side of the course, where it's nearly all powder, and my friend thinks the best way is straight down the middle, where the snow is packed tight. Can you tell us who's right?"

"Sorry, ladies," said the man, "but there's no use in asking me. I'm a tobogganist."

"Oh," said the second blonde. "Well, in that case, can I get a pack of Marlboro Lights?"

 

[codash1099]

A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.

''House'' for instance, is feminine: ''la casa.''
''Pencil,'' however, is masculine: "el lapiz.''

A student asked, ''What gender is 'computer'?''

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether ''computer'' should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

The men's group decided that ''computer'' should definitely be of the feminine gender (''la computadora''), because ....

1 No one but their creator understands their internal logic;
2. The language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

(THIS GETS BETTER!)

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine (''el computador''), because .....

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;
2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

The women won

 

[Maca44]

Heard this on the TV a week or so ago..

"God gave us children so that when we die it doesn't feel so painful"

 

[codash1099]

Been a bit quiet here recently so:

I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other stall saying: "Hi, how are you?"​

I'm not the type to start a conversation in the men's restroom but I don't know what got into me, so I answered, somewhat embarrassed, "Doin' just fine!"​

And the other guy says: "So what are you up to?"​

What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking this is too bizarre so I say, "Uhh, I'm like you , just travelling!"​

At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear another question. "Can I come over?"​

Ok, this question is just too weird for me but I figured I could just be polite and end the conversation. I tell him, "No... I'm a little busy right now!"​

Then I hear the guy say nervously...​

"Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's some idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions!"​

 

[serfty]

What Starts with F and ends with K ?

DO NOT CONTINUE TO READ THIS IF INNUENDO MAY OFFEND

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?"
Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should?be in the 3rd grade too!"

Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and heagreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Harry: "9."

Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Harry: "36."

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the 3rdgrade."

Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions."

The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"
Harry, after a moment: "Legs."

Ms Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"

The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!
Harry replied: "Pockets."

Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"
Harry: "Pants."

Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious andcontains thin, whitish liquid?"
Harry: "Coconut."

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"
The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, "Bubble gum."

Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?"
Harry: "Shake hands."

The principal was trembling.

Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?"
Harry: "Firetruck."

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher,"Better make Harry the Principal and I'll go to Harry's Grade ... I got the last seven questions wrong."

 

[munitalP]

Sorry if it's a repeat - too much thread to review.

One day, the Pope is visiting America and driving around Washington in his limo when he gets an idea.
"Driver? Can I drive for a while?"
"Sure," says the driver. How can you say no to the Pope? So the Pope takes the wheel and starts driving like a maniac all around Washington -- dodging in and out of traffic, going eighty, cutting people off. Soon, a cop pulls him over. But when the Pope rolls down the window, the cop stops dead in his tracks, and goes back to the car.
"We got somebody really important here," he says to his partner.
"Who is it? Is it a senator?"
"No. More important."
"The president?"
"No. More important."
"An ambassador? Who?"
"I don't know. But the Pope is his driver."

LOL!!!



Mr!

 

[Warks]

From:
http://notalwaysright.com

(Note: I’m waiting to board a delayed flight with one of Europe’s cheapest and largest airlines.)
Hostess: “Welcome to flight *** from Malmoe to Dublin. Those of you with seating numbers 1 through 35, please go to line one. Those of you with seating numbers 36 and up, please go to line two. If any of you are traveling with small children or checked in online, please go to the counter and you will be let on board before we start boarding the other passengers.”
(A group of businessmen, about 35-55 years old and in suits, walk to the counter and cut in front of a family with very young children.)
Hostess: “Well, I can see you didn’t check in online, so you’ll have to stand in line. The first line is for early seating numbers; the second line is for la–”
Businessman #1: “Oh, come on… can’t you make an exception? We’re already standing here and all.”
Businessman #2: “You only have to board us and we’re done!”
Hostess: “No, you’ll have to wait in turn, just like everyone else. The lines start over there.”
Businessman #2: “But I always get to board the plane first!”
Hostess: “You’re not a family with children and you didn’t check in over the internet, so you’ll have to stand in line.”
Businessman #2: *very angrily* “DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?!”
Hostess: “No, but you can’t be that important if you’re traveling with us.”
Businessman #2: *quietly retreats to the back of the line with his buddies*

RyanAir no doubt!

Plenty more gold on that website regarding customers and how they may not always be right!

 

[notzac]

From:
http://notalwaysright.com

RyanAir no doubt!

Plenty more gold on that website regarding customers and how they may not always be right!

Yup, I have that site in my RSS reader... the stories that come from there are always good for a laugh!

 

[notzac]

http://www.toothpastefordinner.com/080309/thats-not-right.gif

 

[notzac]

..and another goodun from notalwaysright.com:

(Note: when checking in for a flight, customers are asked to provide the customer service agent with a 6-digit code.)

Me: “May I have your confirmation code please, ma’am?”

Customer: “Sure. It’s A as in a**h***, F as in cough*, 1, 5, B as in b****, and C as in c**t.”

Me: *flabbergasted* “Um, okay…thank you. I’ll just find you in the system…”

 

[tuapekastar]

Business-type boards BOS-LAX flight, hands female FA a polystyrene container and tells her firmly that "this contains frozen seafood, with ice! I need you to keep this frozen, and if it defrosts, I'm a bigshot lawyer and I'm going to sue your cough".

He was thoroughly unpleasant and threatening about it and kept on for a while with his DYKWIA attitude and attendant threats.

FA said "I will ensure it's kept in the cooler for you sir". This didn't really reassure him and he continued with his threats for awhile.

After arrival at LAX, while taxiiing to the terminal, the FA got on the PA and announced "Would the man who gave me crabs in Boston please raise his hand"!

 

[Warks]

Another one from "Not Always Right" - again the scary part is that this is supposed to be an actual conversation!

(A customer has called to redeem the points earned on her credit card in exchange for return airfare from Montreal, Qc to Chicago, Illinois. I have just given her the flight departure and arrival times.)
Customer: “Why is the flight going there so short? You said it was a 90-minute flight.”
Me: “The times are given in their respective time zones. We are in the Eastern time zone, but Chicago is one hour behind us, and it’s in the Central time zone. The flight really is 90 minutes long, it just looks shorter due to the time difference.”
Customer: “Time…zones?”
Me: “Yes, we have five time zones: Maritimes, Eastern, Central, Mountain and Pacific Time. In your case, there is a one hour difference between each zone. If it is 11:00am here, it is only 10:00am in Chicago. So when your flight arrives in Chicago at 11:30am, that is Chicago time. In Montreal it will actually be 12:30pm, so the flight is an hour and a half.”
Customer: “Then why is the return flight so long? It’s like, an hour longer than the way there!”
Me: “Again, it is the difference between the time zones, only in reverse. It only looks as though the flight is longer but it’s also a 90 minute flight. It adds an hour on the return flight because you are coming back East.”
Customer: “I still don’t get it - the flight should be the same time in both directions. It’s 30 minutes to get there, but more than 2 hours to get back!”
(After 20 minutes of more explaining I give up.)
Me: “For the flight to Chicago, the wind is at your back, so the plane goes really fast. On the way back, it’s against the wind, and so the plane goes slower.”
Customer: “Oh! Well that makes much more sense. Thank you!”
Me: “I do my best. Have a good trip, ma’am.”

 

[anat0l]

Another one from "Not Always Right" - again the scary part is that this is supposed to be an actual conversation!

It's cases like this that exist ad nauseum yet no one believes me when I say that there are plenty of idiot customers out there.

 

[Warks]

It's cases like this that exist ad nauseum yet no one believes me when I say that there are plenty of idiot customers out there.

And there's probably much worse out there than is reported on that website!

The other thing that is apparent from it is that there are a lot of crazy people out there too! From my time in customer service I am well aware of this.