A bit of humour

[JohnK]

Golf Poem

In My Hand I Hold A Ball,
White And Dimpled, Rather Small.
Oh, How Bland It Does Appear,
This Harmless Looking Little Sphere.

By It's Size I Could Not Guess,
The Awesome Strength It Does Possess.
But Since I Fell Beneath Its Spell,
I've Wandered Through The Fires Of Hell.

My Life Has Not Been Quite The Same,
Since I Chose To Play This Stupid Game.
It Rules My Mind For Hours On End,
A Fortune It Has Made Me Spend.

It Has Made Me Yell, Curse And Cry,
I Hate Myself And Want To Die.
It Promises A Thing Called Par,
If I Can Hit It Straight And Far.

To Master Such A Tiny Ball,
Should Not Be Very Hard At All.
But My Desires The Ball Refuses,
And Does Exactly As It Chooses.

It's Made Me Whimper Like A Pup,
And Swear That I Will Give It Up.
And Take To Drink To Ease My Sorrow,
But The Ball Knows ... I'll Be Back Tomorrow.

Stand proud you noble swingers of clubs andlosers of balls....

A recent study found the average golfer walks about 900 miles a year.

Another study found golfers drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year.

That means, on average, golfers get about 41 miles to the gallon.

Kind of makes you proud. I Almost feel like a hybrid.

 

[straitman]

Another study found golfers drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year.

That means, on average, golfers get about 41 miles to the gallon.

Kind of makes you proud. I Almost feel like a hybrid.

Is that US or Imperial gallons :?:

 

[codash1099]

Be careful whose luggage you damage:

YouTube - United Breaks Guitars

Apparently, it had the desired effect. From "Upgrade - Travel Better" this quote

Robin Urbanski, a spokeswoman for Chicago-based United, said late Tuesday afternoon that the airline has changed its course and wants to speak with Mr. Carroll today to settle the matter. She declined to comment further until she spoke to him. “This has struck a chord with us,” she said. “We’re going to contact him directly.”

 

[Flashback]

Be careful whose luggage you damage:

YouTube - United Breaks Guitars

Apparently, it had the desired effect. From "Upgrade - Travel Better" this quote

This has struck a chord with us ....... oh dear!

 

[drron]

This has struck a chord with us ....... oh dear!

And they had thought he had just been stringing them along.
see i can be even worse

 

[NM]

This has struck a chord with us ....... oh dear!

And they had thought he had just been stringing them along.
see i can be even worse

You just had to pluck that one out of the air, now didn't you?

What a pain in the neck

We are just not attuned to these bad puns

Oh, well, nothing to fret about :-|

 

[serfty]

...

Oh, well, nothing to fret about :-|

Nor anything to pick at!

 

[drron]

You just had to pluck that one out of the air, now didn't you?

What a pain in the neck

We are just not attuned to these bad puns

Oh, well, nothing to fret about :-|

Now dont get picky

Or think of dis chord

Maybe i'd better just riff off.

 

[NM]

Now dont get picky

Or think of dis chord

Maybe i'd better just riff off.

And on that note, its time to build a bridge and move on.

 

[bambbbam2]

Me first! NO! Me First!

 

[drron]

Gotta love those New Yorkers

 

[straitman]

Gotta love those New Yorkers

Are you saying that the New Yorkers are the joke :?:

 

[drron]

In this instance I think the New Yorkers are the joke.
However this one is about the driving qualifications of the Germans.i came across this link whilst reading on FT.As I have just had a couple of weeks driving in Germany it certainly had me chortling.
Fahrting (Driving) Through Germany
It certainly lends itself to the odd pun but if I did that NM would wipe my backside with puns :shock:

 

[codash1099]

In this instance I think the New Yorkers are the joke.
However this one is about the driving qualifications of the Germans.i came across this link whilst reading on FT.As I have just had a couple of weeks driving in Germany it certainly had me chortling.
Fahrting (Driving) Through Germany
It certainly lends itself to the odd pun but if I did that NM would wipe my backside with puns :shock:

Ahh, the good old (pull my finger) Fahrt joke!

 

[straitman]

[FONT=&quot]Paddy was walking home late at night and sees a woman in the shadows. "Twenty quid" she whispers. He'd never been with a hooker before, but he decides what the heck, its only twenty quid. So they hide in the bushes. They're going at it for a couple of minutes when all of a sudden a light flashes on them, it's a police officer. "What's going on here, people?" asks the officer. "I'm making love to my wife," Paddy answers indignantly. "Oh, I'm sorry," says the cop, "I didn't know." "Well," Paddy says, "neither did I until you shone that light on her face.[/FONT][FONT=&quot]

[/FONT]

 

[straitman]

[FONT=&quot]You are on the bus when you suddenly realise... you need to fart. The music is really loud, so you time your farts with the beat. After a couple of songs, you start to feel better as you approach your stop. As you are leaving the bus, people are really staring you down, and that's when you remember: you've been listening to your iPod.[/FONT]

 

[bambbbam2]

The current Jackson Five

 

[Bundy Bear]

I'm going to see a new group next month – the Jackson 4.

Michael Jackson had so much plastic surgery they are moving his corpse straight into Madame Tussauds – no need for a waxwork.


After the autopsy they stitched Michael Jackson up with a glue gun.

MJ is not going to be buried or cremated but recycled into plastic shopping bags so that he can remain white, plastic and dangerous for kids to play with.

 

[codash1099]

I'm going to see a new group next month – the Jackson 4.

Michael Jackson had so much plastic surgery they are moving his corpse straight into Madame Tussauds – no need for a waxwork.


After the autopsy they stitched Michael Jackson up with a glue gun.

MJ is not going to be buried or cremated but recycled into plastic shopping bags so that he can remain white, plastic and dangerous for kids to play with.

That's pretty tasteless :mrgreen: However:

Paramedics might have saved him if they hadn’t wasted 3 hours trying to get the colour back into his cheeks.

I heard the funeral will be held at 3:15… that’s when the big hand touches the little hand.

Actually only Michael’s body will be buried, his head will go in the recycling bin.

Either that or he’ll be melted down into Lego blocks. That way, kids could play with him for a change.

 

[straitman]

[FONT=&quot]DISORDER IN THE AMERICAN COURTS[/FONT]
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

Q: Are you sexually active?
A: No, I just lie there.
_______________________________

Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July 15.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
______________________________________

Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
______________________________________

Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget? Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?
_____________________________________

Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
_____________________________________

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
______________________________________

Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.
______________________________________

Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
A: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
___________________________________

Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
_____________________________________

Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
______________________________________

Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?
______________________________________

Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?
______________________________________

Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
______________________________________
Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?
______________________________________

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
______________________________________

Q: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.
______________________________________

Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
______________________________________

Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
______________________________________

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere