A bit of humour

[codash1099]

Ahem! This is a humour thread.

 

[codash1099]

Now if only South West Airlines served free drinks:

YouTube - Flight Attendant doing raps!! (complete ed.)

 

[samh004]

Now if only South West Airlines served free drinks:

YouTube - Flight Attendant doing raps!! (complete ed.)

That's been posed a couple times before, he's good, but I'd hate to be on that plane. I even saw him on the Jay Leno show.

 

[mysavings789]

a reason not to drink with friends!

 

[JohnK]

Ahem! This is a humour thread.

Yes but it is only "A Bit of Humour" thread. How much humour is up to your imagination.

 

[mysavings789]

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: 'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?'
Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'
'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?'
'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'

 

[rwatts]

On the subject of elderly gentlemen...

There were two old men sitting on a park bench talking.

One old man asked the other, "How is your wife?"

Second old man replied, "I think she may be Dead!"

First old man, "What do you mean you think she is DEAD?"

Second old man, "Well.... the sex is the same but the dishes are starting to pile up."
​

Richard.

 

[codash1099]

Morris returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has told
him he has only 24 hours to live. Given the prognosis, Morris asks his wife
for sex. Naturally, she agrees, so they make love.
About 6 hrs later, Morris goes to his wife and says, "Honey, you know I now
have only 18 hrs to live. Could we please do it one more time?" Of course,
the wife agrees, and they do it again.
Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realises that he
now has only 8 hrs left. He touches his wife's shoulder and asks, "Honey,
please...just one more time before I die." She says, "Of course, Dear," and
they make love for the third time.
After this session, the wife rolls over and falls to sleep. Morris,
however, worried about his impending death, tosses and turns, until he's
down to 4 more hours. He taps his wife, who rouses. "Honey, I have only 4
more hours. Do you think we could..."
At this point the wife sits up and says, "Listen Morris, I have to get up
in the morning..... you don't."

 

[serfty]

This is the private diary of a cough housewife...

Day 1
Just celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary with not much to celebrate. When it came time to re-enact our wedding night, he locked himself in the bathroom and cried.

Day 2
Today, he says he has a big secret to tell me. He's impotent, he says, and he wants me to be the first to know. Why doesn't he tell me something I don't know! I mean, he actually thinks I haven't noticed.

Day 3
This marriage is in trouble. A woman has needs. Yesterday, I saw a picture of Nelson's Column and burst into tears.

Day 4
A miracle has happened! There's a new drug on the market that will fix his 'problem'. It's called cough. I told him that if he takes cough, things will be just like they were on our wedding night. I think this will work. I replaced his Prozac with the cough, hoping to lift something other than his mood.

Day 5
What absolute bliss!!

Day 6
Isn't life wonderful but it's difficult to write while he's doing that.

Day 7
This cough thing has gone to his head. No pun intended! Yesterday, at Burger King, the manager asked me if I'd like a Whopper. He thought they were talking about him. But, have to admit it's very nice -- I don't think I've ever been so happy.

Day 8
I think he took too many over the weekend. Yesterday, instead of mowing the lawn, he was using his new friend as a weed wacker. I'm also getting a bit sore down there.

Day 9
No time to write. He might catch me.

Day 10
Okay, I admit it. I'm hiding. I mean, a girl can only take so much. And to make matters worse, he's washing the cough down with neat whiskey! What am I going to do? I feel tacky all over...

Day 11
I'm basically being screwed to death. It's like living with a Black and Decker drill. I woke up this morning hot-glued to the bed. Even my armpits hurt. He's a complete pig.

Day 12
I wish he was gay. I've stopped wearing make-up, cleaning my teeth or even washing but he still keeps coming after me! Even yawning has become dangerous...

Day 13
Every time I shut my eyes, there's a sneak attack! It's like going to bed with a scud missile. I can hardly walk and if he tries that "Oops, sorry" thing again, I'll kill the jerk.

Day 14
I've done everything to turn him off. Nothing is working. I even started dressing like a nun but this just seems to make him more horny. Help me!

Day 15
I think I'll have to kill him. I'm starting to stick to everything I sit on. The cat and dog won't go near him and our friends don't come over any more. Last night I told him to go screw himself and he did.

Day 16
The jerk has started to complain about headaches. I hope the bloody thing explodes. I did suggest he might try stopping the cough and going back on Prozac.

Day 17
Switched the pills but it doesn't seem to have made any difference... Christ! Here he comes again!

Day 18
He's back on Prozac. The lazy sod just sits there in front of the TV all day with that remote control in his hand and expects me to do everything for him.

What absolute bliss!

 

[Bundy Bear]

GLOBAL FINANCIAL CRISIS

It is April

In a small town on the south coast of France the Easter holiday is in full swing but it is raining so there is not too much business happening.

Everyone is in debt.

Luckily, a rich Russian tourist arrives in the foyer of the small local hotel. He asks for a room and puts a €100 note on the reception counter, takes a key and goes to inspect the room located up the stairs on the third floor.

The hotel owner hurriedly picks up the bank note and rushes to his meat supplier to whom he owes €100.

The butcher takes the money and races to his wholesaler to pay his debt.

The wholesaler rushes to the farmer to pay €100 for pigs he purchased some time ago.

The farmer triumphantly gives the €100 note to a local prostitute who gave him her services on credit.

The prostitute goes quickly to the hotel as she owed the hotel for her hourly room to entertain clients.

At that moment the rich Russian tourist is coming down to reception and informs the hotel owner that the proposed room is unsatisfactory, takes his €100 note back and departs.

There was no profit or income; but everyone no longer has any debt and the small town’s people look optimistically towards their future.

 

[Nov0caine]

That's been posed a couple times before, he's good, but I'd hate to be on that plane. I even saw him on the Jay Leno show.

Speaking of Leno, you know he's retiring right? Is anyone peeved about the whole Leno and Conan swap?

It now goes:
Fallon > Late night
Conan > tonight show
Leno > retirement....


I know it's a humour thread but i don't wanna lose Leno!!!:-|

 

[markh]

SWINE FLU EMAIL WARNING !

If you get an email warning you not to eat canned pork because of the high risk of swine flu, just ignore it, as it is just spam.

 

[bambbbam2]

Yeah I reckon Fallon is cough.

I want Leno to stay too..

 

[samh004]

SWINE FLU EMAIL WARNING !

If you get an email warning you not to eat canned pork because of the high risk of swine flu, just ignore it, as it is just spam.

Haha, that's a very good one

 

[codash1099]

Then there was the guy who loved nothing better than to sit at nearby bar for long evenings and get stoned with his cronies.

But his wife was a social climber, and was prone to having her "ladies" in for bridge etc.

This one night she didn't want him to be around embarrassing her, so she told him to stay out as late as he wished, just don't come in and make another scene.

Well, he came in the back door a little early, as she was preparing tea and some delicate little sandwiches, and was infuriated at his early return home.

"You keep your mouth shut, and go upstairs to bed" she told him.

"Oh, relax,"says he, "I'll just take a cup of coffee, say good evening to the ladies, and I'll be gone."

"Just keep your mouth shut," says she again.

Well, when she finally went back into the living room, all the ladies were gone, and he sat there alone.

She 'flipped' and told him she was going to divorce him and take everything he had, but he said,"wait a minute, you have to hear my side of the story."

"I came in here , sat down, and said good evening to the ladies, and they carried on.

One lady said she was having trouble with mice in her house, and another lady suggested she stuff their holes with steel wool, and all I said was, who is going to hold their little legs while you do it?

 

[Ikara]

This was (supposedly) sent from Thomas Cook Holidays - listing some of the British guests' complaints during the season. (Survey by Thos Cook and ABTA). If not, it's funny anyway.

"I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local store does not sell proper biscuits like custard creams or ginger nuts."

"It's lazy of the local shopkeepers to close in the afternoons. I often needed to buy things during 'siesta' time - this should be banned."

"On my holiday to Goa in India , I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry. I don't like spicy food at all."

"We booked an excursion to a water park but no-one told us we had to bring our swimming costumes and towels."

A tourist at a top African game lodge overlooking a waterhole, who spotted a visibly aroused elephant, complained that the sight of this rampant beast ruined his honeymoon by making him feel "inadequate".

A woman threatened to call police after claiming that she'd been locked in by staff. When in fact, she had mistaken the "do not disturb" sign on the back of the door as a warning to remain in the room.

"The beach was too sandy."

"We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure. Your brochure shows the sand as yellow but it was white."

A guest at a Novotel in Australia complained his soup was too thick and strong. He was inadvertently slurping the gravy at the time.

"Topless sunbathing on the beach should be banned. The holiday was ruined as my husband spent all day looking at other women."

"We bought 'Ray-Ban' sunglasses for five Euros (£3.50) from a street trader, only to find out they were fake."

"No-one told us there would be fish in the sea. The children were startled."

"It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England, it only took the Americans three hours to get home."

"I compared the size of our one-bedroom apartment to our friends' three-bedroom apartment and ours was significantly smaller."

"The brochure stated: 'No hairdressers at the accommodation'. We're trainee hairdressers - will we be OK staying here?"

"There are too many Spanish people. The receptionist speaks Spanish. The food is Spanish. Too many foreigners."

"We had to queue outside with no air conditioning."

"It is your duty as a tour operator to advise us of noisy or unruly guests before we travel."

"I was bitten by a mosquito - no-one said they could bite."

"My fiancé and I booked a twin-bedded room, but we were placed in a double-bedded room. We now hold you responsible for the fact that I find myself pregnant. This would not have happened if you had put us in the room that we booked."

JB

 

[anat0l]

This was (supposedly) sent from Thomas Cook Holidays - listing some of the British guests' complaints during the season. (Survey by Thos Cook and ABTA). If not, it's funny anyway.

"I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local store does not sell proper biscuits like custard creams or ginger nuts."

"It's lazy of the local shopkeepers to close in the afternoons. I often needed to buy things during 'siesta' time - this should be banned."

"On my holiday to Goa in India , I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry. I don't like spicy food at all."

"We booked an excursion to a water park but no-one told us we had to bring our swimming costumes and towels."

A tourist at a top African game lodge overlooking a waterhole, who spotted a visibly aroused elephant, complained that the sight of this rampant beast ruined his honeymoon by making him feel "inadequate".

A woman threatened to call police after claiming that she'd been locked in by staff. When in fact, she had mistaken the "do not disturb" sign on the back of the door as a warning to remain in the room.

"The beach was too sandy."

"We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure. Your brochure shows the sand as yellow but it was white."

A guest at a Novotel in Australia complained his soup was too thick and strong. He was inadvertently slurping the gravy at the time.

"Topless sunbathing on the beach should be banned. The holiday was ruined as my husband spent all day looking at other women."

"We bought 'Ray-Ban' sunglasses for five Euros (£3.50) from a street trader, only to find out they were fake."

"No-one told us there would be fish in the sea. The children were startled."

"It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England, it only took the Americans three hours to get home."

"I compared the size of our one-bedroom apartment to our friends' three-bedroom apartment and ours was significantly smaller."

"The brochure stated: 'No hairdressers at the accommodation'. We're trainee hairdressers - will we be OK staying here?"

"There are too many Spanish people. The receptionist speaks Spanish. The food is Spanish. Too many foreigners."

"We had to queue outside with no air conditioning."

"It is your duty as a tour operator to advise us of noisy or unruly guests before we travel."

"I was bitten by a mosquito - no-one said they could bite."

"My fiancé and I booked a twin-bedded room, but we were placed in a double-bedded room. We now hold you responsible for the fact that I find myself pregnant. This would not have happened if you had put us in the room that we booked."

JB

That's not funny. It's people who make these kinds of complaints who should be either banned from travelling, given a good bitter dose of cultural awareness education and/or shot.

It behooves me how some supposed humans could be so embarrassingly culturally insensitive as well as despicably stupid. And people wonder why the universe is getting monotonically more stupid...

 

[Ikara]

Damn - sorry 'bout that. Clearly it didn't tickle your funny bone.

JB

 

[NM]

Damn - sorry 'bout that. Clearly it didn't tickle your funny bone.

JB

Perhaps his funny bone was tickled the first time he saw it?

 

[Ikara]

Damn - second apology in 5 posts. Not my day is it? I'm suitably chastised for not doing my homework before I posted. Mea culpa, mea culpa.

Keep smiling and keep taking the pills.

JB