A bit of humour

[serfty]

Definitive laws of golf:

1. No matter how bad your last shot was, the worst is yet to come. This law does not expire on the 18th hole, since it has the supernatural tendency to extend over the course of a tournament, a summer and, eventually, a lifetime.
2. Your best round of golf will be followed almost immediately by your worst round ever. The probability of the latter increases with the number of people you tell about the former.
3. Brand new golf balls are water-magnetic. Though this cannot be proven in the lab, it is a known fact that the more expensive the golf ball, the greater its attraction to water.
4. Golf balls never bounce off of trees back into play. If one does, the tree is breaking a law of the universe and should be cut down.
5. No matter what causes a golfer to muff a shot, all his playing partners must solemnly chant "You looked up," or invoke the wrath of the universe.
6. The higher a golfer's handicap, the more qualified he deems himself as an instructor.
7. Every par-three hole in the world has a secret desire to humiliate golfers. The shorter the hole, the greater its desire.
8. Topping a 3-iron is the most painful torture known to man.
9. Palm trees eat golf balls.
10. Sand is alive. If it isn't, how do you explain the way it works against you?
11. Golf carts always run out of juice at the farthest point from the clubhouse.
12. A golfer hitting into your group will always be bigger than anyone in your group. Likewise, a group you accidentally hit into will consist of a football player, a professional wrestler, a convicted murderer and an IRS agent -- or some similar combination.
13. All 3-woods are demon-possessed.
14. Golf balls from the same "sleeve" tend to follow one another, particularly out of bounds or into the water (See Law three).
15. A severe slice is a thing of awesome power and beauty.
16. "Nice lag" can usually be translated to "lousy putt." Similarly, "tough break" can usually be translated "way to miss an easy one, sucker."
17. The person you would most hate to lose to will always be the one who beats you.
18. The last three holes of a round will automatically adjust your score to what it really should be.
19. Golf should be given up at least twice per month.
20. All vows taken on a golf course shall be valid only until the sunset.

 

[anat0l]

Definite laws of golf:

This would have been funnier had there only been 18 laws.

 

[Grooba]

How can you forget the 19th hole and onwards? The most important holes in golf!

 

[codash1099]

Did you hear what happened at the Brewery?

They had a major thunderstorm, and one of their big vats was
struck by lightning. They sent several inspectors to assess the damage
but found the vat unharmed.

When the beer was aged and ready for testing, the brew master found an
unexpectedly fine flavour, the most delicious beer the company had ever
produced.

He immediately wrote the president of the company reporting that it was
his belief that this was the first case on record ... of a storm
actually brewing.

 

[JohnK]

Definitive laws of golf:

Did I have to read this post? Has anyone seen a grown man cry on a golf course when there is absolutely nothing wrong other than his golf game?

Some Revisions to the definitive laws of golf

3. I hate using brand new golf balls as I lose them, with a 2 shot penalty, in the first few holes. Yet these old balls I keep finding last for many rounds of golf.
4. Golf balls always bounce off trees for your opponents.
8. Shanking is the most painful torture known to man closely followed by the yips. Some golfers are unfortunate to have experienced both.

Some additions to the definitive laws of golf

21. Do not buy expensive golf balls as you spend more time worrying about how much the ball cost rather than the next shot.
22. Do not buy new putters as they eventually perform the same as the other 12 new putters sitting at home or in the boot of the car.
23. You know the theory about trees being 90% air? It is definitely not true.
24. The thunderstorm predicted for later in the afternoon comes early when you are at the furthest point from the clubhouse.

By the way I played 5 games of golf in Victoria recently and did not shank the ball once. I have not yet shanked a golf ball in Thailand. Why do I keep shanking golf balls in Sydney on the weekends?

 

[anat0l]

By the way I played 5 games of golf in Victoria recently and did not shank the ball once. I have not yet shanked a golf ball in Thailand. Why do I keep shanking golf balls in Sydney on the weekends?

Because the course is in Sydney? :mrgreen:

 

[serfty]

... 22. Do not buy new putters as they eventually perform the same as the other 12 new putters sitting at home or in the boot of the car. ...

Do you have a spare putter?

People keep telling me my 1973 rod is too old?

 

[codash1099]

A father, son and grandson go out to the country club for their weekly round of golf.
Just as they reach the first tee, a beautiful young blonde woman carrying her bag of
clubs approaches them. She explains that the member who brought her to the club
for a round of golf had an emergency which called him away and asks the trio whether
she can join them.

Naturally, the guys all agree. Smiling, the blonde thanks them and says, "Look, fellows,
I work in a topless bar as a dancer, so nothing shocks me anymore. If any of you wants
to smoke cigars, have a beer, bet, swear or tell off-colour stories or do anything that you
normally do when playing a round together, go ahead. But I enjoy playing golf, consider
myself pretty good at it, so don't try to coach me on how to play my shots."

With that the guys agree to relax and invite her to drive first. All eyes are fastened on
her shapely behind as she bends to place her ball on the tee. She then takes her driver
and hits the ball 270 yards down the middle, right in front of the green. The father's
mouth is agape.

"That was beautiful," said the dad.

The blonde puts her driver away and says, "I really didn't get into it and I should have
faded it a little."

After the three guys hit their drives and their second shots (she was closest to the pin)
the blonde takes out a nine iron and lofts the ball within five feet of the hole.

The son says "Damn, lady, you played that perfectly."

The blonde frowns and says, "It was a little weak. I've left a tricky little putt."

After the son buries a long putt for a par, dad two putts for a bogey and granddad overruns
the green with his pitching wedge, chips back and putts for a double bogey, the blonde
taps in the five-footer for a birdie.

The guys all congratulate her on her fine game. She puts her putter back in the bag and says,
"Thanks, but I really haven't played much lately, and I'm a little rusty. Maybe I'll really
get into this next drive."

Having the honours, she drives first on the second hole and knocks the hell out of the ball,
and it lands nearly 300 yards away smack in the middle of the fairway. For the rest of
the round the statuesque blonde continues to amaze the guys, quietly and methodically
shooting for par or less on every hole.

When they get to the 18th green, the blonde is three under par, but has a very nasty 12-foot
putt on an undulating green for a par. She turns to the three guys and says, "I really want
to thank you all for not acting like a bunch of chauvinists and telling me what club to use or
how to play a shot, but I need this putt for a 69 and I'd really like to break 70 on this course.
If any one of you can tell me how to make par on this hole, I'll take him back to my apartment,
pour some 25-year old Royal Salute Scotch in him, fix him dinner and then show him a good
time the rest of the night."

The yuppie son jumps at the thought. He strolls across the green, carefully eyes the line
of the putt and finally says, "Honey, aim about 6 inches to the right of the hole and hit it firm.
It will get over that little hump and break right into the cup."

The father kneels down and sights the putt using his putter as a plumb. "Don't listen to the kid,
darlin', you want to hit it softly 10 inches to the right and run it left down that little hogback,
so it falls into the cup."

The old grey haired grandfather walks over to the blonde's ball on the green,
picks it up and hands it to the her. "That's a gimme, sweetheart. Your car or mine?"

 

[JohnK]

Do you have a spare putter?

People keep telling me my 1973 rod is too old?

Sure. Do you want to start putting left handed? :-|

 

[mysavings789]

The hairdryer

Getting a hairdryer through customs...

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favour?"
"Of course child What may I do for you?"

"Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my Mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?"
"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie."

"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."
When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her.
The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"
"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."
The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"

"I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused."

Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father. Next!"

Good answer Father!!!

 

[Flashback]

2 eskimo's.. first one says "where's your mum from?" 2nd one says "Alaska", 1st one says "don't worry I'll ask her myself"

Courtesy of anat0l

 

[bambbbam2]

Q: How do you get a philosopher off your porch?
A: Pay for the pizza.

Q: What do you get if you cross a philosopher with the mafia?
A: An offer you can't understand.

 

[NM]

The Australian government has established a new Swine Flu hotline. But when I called the phone number all I got was crackling .

I guess that in these tough economic times, all the call centre agents were given the chop .

 

[maggies1]

Maybe they were all down at the chemist shop buying some oinkment for their swine flu.

 

[anat0l]

The Australian government has established a new Swine Flu hotline. But when I called the phone number all I got was crackling .

I guess that in these tough economic times, all the call centre agents were given the chop .

Maybe they were all down at the chemist shop buying some oinkment for their swine flu.

I heard some were dismissed for telling porkies.

But what would I know? I got the news via ham radio.

 

[tuapekastar]

It was long said that a black man would not be US President until/unless pigs flew! Obama in about 100 days, pig flu!

 

[codash1099]

10 signs you may have swine flu

1. Tears flow from your small eyes during a nightly
bedtime reading of Three Little Pigs

2. A small curly tail is growing at the top of your
tailbone

3. When called to dinner, you head directly to the
trough in the backyard

4. Your thumbs and big toes are missing

5. You apply mud instead of suntan lotion on a sunny
day

6. You develop a liking for truffles

7. At each meal you literally lick your plate clean

8. You emit short snorts between sentences

9. When friends visit you, they remark, "Man, this
place is a pigsty!"

10. Fever accompanied by the smell of bacon

 

[codash1099]

Alex was a sports fan whose face was always either buried in the sports pages or transfixed by the television screen.

One night as he lay in bed next to his wife watching a football game, she got up, walked across the room and unplugged the TV.

"Hey," Alex shouted, "what do you think you are doing?"

"I'm sick of sports, I'm sick of TV," she replied. "You haven't touched me in months. We're going to talk about sex right now!"

"OK, OK. So," he asked after a moment, "how often do you think David Beckham gets laid?"

 

[mysavings789]

Husband & Wife Letter

Dear Wife,
I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for good.
I've been a good man to you for seven years and I have nothing to show
for it.
These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that
you had quit your job today and that was the last straw.
Last week, you came home and didn't even notice that I had gotten a new
hair cut, cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new pair of
silk boxers. You came home and ate in two minutes, and went straight to
sleep after watching all of your soaps.
You don't tell me you love me anymore, You don't want sex anymore or
anything. So, either you're cheating on me or you don't love me anymore.
Whatever the case is, I'm gone.
Your EX-Husband
P.S. Don't try to find me. Your SISTER and I are moving away to West
Virginia together! Have a great life!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Ex-Husband,
Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter.
It's true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a
good man is a far cry from what you've been.
I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining
and gripping. Too bad that doesn't work.
I did notice when you got a hair cut last week The first thing that
came to mind was "My god you look gay!", but my mother raised me not to
say anything if you can't say anything nice.
And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused
with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago. And I
turned away from you when you had those new silk boxers on because the
price tag was still on them. And I prayed that it was a coincidence
that my sister had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning ....
and your silk boxers were $49.99.
After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out.
So when I discovered that I had hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I
quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica But when I got home you
were gone.
Everything happens for a reason I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling
life you always wanted.
My lawyer said with your letter that you wrote, you won't get a dime
from me. So take care.
Signed... Rich As Hell and Free!
P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this but Carla, my sister, was born
Carl. I hope that's not a problem.

 

[mysavings789]

WHAT GOES AROUND COMES AROUND

One day a man saw an old lady, stranded on the side of the road, but
even in the dim light of day, he could see she needed help. So he pulled
up in front of her Mercedes and got out. His Pontiac was still
sputtering when he approached her.

Even with the smile on his face, she was worried. No one had stopped to
help for the last hour or so. Was he going to hurt her? He didn't look
safe; he looked poor and hungry.

He could see that she was frightened, standing out there in the cold. He
knew how she felt. It was that chill which only fear can put in you.

He said, 'I'm here to help you, ma'am. Why don't you wait in the car
where it's warm? By the way, my name is Bryan Anderson.'

Well, all she had was a flat tire, but for an old lady, that was bad
enough. Bryan crawled under the car looking for a place to put the jack,
skinning his knuckles a time or two. Soon he was able to change the
tire. But he had to get dirty and his hands hurt.

As he was tightening up the lug nuts, she rolled down the window and
began to talk to him. She told him that she was from St. Louis and was
only just passing through. She couldn't thank him enough for coming to
her aid.

Bryan just smiled as he closed her trunk. The lady asked how much she
owed him. Any amount would have been all right with her. She already
imagined all the awful things that could have happened had he not
stopped. Bryan never thought twice about being paid. This was not a job
to him. This was helping someone in need, and God knows there were
plenty, who had given him a hand in the past. He had lived his whole
life that way, and it never occurred to him to act any other way.

He told her that if she really wanted to pay him back, the next time she
saw someone who needed help, she could give that person the assistance
they needed, and Bryan added, 'And think of me.'

He waited until she started her car and drove off. It had been a cold
and depressing day, but he felt good as he headed for home, disappearing
into the twilight.

A few miles down the road the lady saw a small cafe. She went in to grab
a bite to eat, and take the chill off before she made the last leg of
her trip home. It was a dingy looking restaurant. Outside were two old
gas pumps. The whole scene was unfamiliar to her. The waitress came over
and brought a clean towel to wipe her wet hair. She had a sweet smile,
one that even being on her feet for the whole day couldn't erase. The
lady noticed the waitress was nearly eight months pregnant, but she
never let the strain and aches change her attitude. The old lady
wondered how someone who had so little could be so giving to a stranger.
Then she remembered Bryan .

After the lady finished her meal, she paid with a hundred dollar bill.
The waitress quickly went to get change for her hundred dollar bill, but
the old lady had slipped right out the door. She was gone by the time
the waitress came back. The waitress wondered where the lady could be.
Then she noticed something written on the napkin.

There were tears in her eyes when she read what the lady wrote: 'You
don't owe me anything. I have been there too. Somebody once helped me
out, the way I'm helping you. If you really want to pay me back, here
is what you do: Do not let this chain of love end with you.'

Under the napkin were four more $100 bills.

Well, there were tables to clear, sugar bowls to fill, and people to
serve, but the waitress made it through another day. That night when she
got home from work and climbed into bed, she was thinking about the
money and what the lady had written. How could the lady have known how
much she and her husband needed it? With the baby due next month, it was
going to be hard.

She knew how worried her husband was, and as he lay sleeping next to
her, she gave him a soft kiss and whispered soft and low, 'Everything' s
going to be all right. I love you, Bryan Anderson.'

There is an old saying 'What goes around comes around.'