A bit of humour

[straitman]

 

[TheRealTMA]

new scientist.

 

[Bundy Bear]

Good for the wine drinkers

 

[Hoatzin]

I just want to thank the AFF team, the readers, my advisors, Qantas, Virgin Australia, Jetstar, my mum, enhanced security screening checkpoints and the flight attendant who kept sneaking me extra bottles of red and white wine when I flew to Hong Kong in 2004 as a (cheap) backpacker for these prestigious awards. I would not be here without you all.

 

[straitman]

ENGINEERING PROBLEM

You don't have to be an engineer to appreciate this story.

Procter & Gamble had a problem. They sometimes shipped empty Crest toothpaste boxes without the tube inside. This challenged their perceived quality with the buyers and distributors.

Understanding how important the relationship with them was, the CEO of the company assembled his top people.

They decided to hire an external engineering company to solve their empty boxes problem.

The project followed the usual process: budget and project sponsor allocated, RFP, and third-parties selected.

Six months (and $8 million) later they had a fantastic solution - on time, on budget, and high quality.

Everyone in the project was pleased.

They solved the problem by using a high-tech precision scale that would sound a bell and flash lights whenever a toothpaste box weighed less than it should.

The line would stop, someone would walk over, remove the defective box, and then press another button to re-start the line.

As a result of the new package monitoring process, no empty boxes were being shipped out of the factory.

With no more customer complaints, the CEO felt the $8 million was well spent.

He then reviewed the line statistics report and discovered the number of empty boxes picked up by the scale in the first week was consistent with projections, however, the next three weeks were zero!

The estimated rate should have been at least a dozen boxes a day. He had the engineers check the equipment; they verified the report as accurate.

Puzzled, the CEO travelled down to the factory, viewed the part of the line where the precision scale was installed, and observed just ahead of the new $8 million dollar solution sat a $20 desk fan blowing the empty boxes off the belt and into a bin. He asked the line supervisor what that was about.

"Oh, that" the supervisor replied "Bert, the kid from maintenance, put it there because he was tired of walking over, removing the box and re-starting the line every time the bell rang".

 

[straitman]

 

[mrs.dr.ron]

 

[Cappuccino99]

 

[TheRealTMA]

Craig Kelly, Member for Hughes, says

 

[codash1099]

Three lawyers and three Information Technology professionals (ITs) are traveling by train to a conference.

At the station, the three lawyers each buy tickets and watch as the three ITs buy only a single ticket.

"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks a lawyer.

"Watch and you'll see," answers an IT.

They all board the train. The lawyers take their respective seats but all three ITs cram into a restroom and close the door behind them.

Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets.
He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please."
The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand.
The conductor takes it and moves on.

The lawyers saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the lawyers decide to copy the ITs on the return trip and save some money (recognizing the ITs superior intellect). When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the ITs don't buy a ticket at all.

"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed lawyer.

"Watch and you'll see," answers an IT.

When they board the train the three lawyers cram into a restroom and the three ITs cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the ITs leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the lawyers are hiding.

He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please."

 

[mrs.dr.ron]

 

[TheRealTMA]

 

[Captain Halliday]

Ever wondered if food packaging makes sense?

https://www.facebook.com/permalink.php?story_fbid=376069930510677&id=198278703631749

 

[cgichard]

 

[mrs.dr.ron]

The trouble is for me this is not funny - its fact !!

 

[TheRealTMA]

Apologies for these. There are more in the link. Sigh...

https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6mdjc0

 

[Hvr]

Post automatically merged: Nov 23, 2020

 

[Ikara]

Old pilot flying quotations.

God does not subtract from man’s allotted time the hours spent while flying, but He exacts harsh penalties for those who do not learn to land properly.

The difference between fear and terror: fear is when your calculations show you may not have enough fuel to make it to your destination. Terror is when you realize you were right.

I wore my mask while pulling 9 Gs, checking six, pumping out flares, telling #2 to “BREAK LEFT!”, selecting auto guns, locking up a bandit, selecting the AIM-9, keeping visual while gaining a tally, getting a 1500 MHz tone, watching my altitude, planning an egress, shooting the bandit, telling #2 to “bugout south”, reforming into tactical formation, pushing it up, taking it down, short range radar, and resetting the CAP….and all you gotta’ do is pick up a gallon of milk.

Mommy, I want to grow up and be a pilot. Honey, you can’t do both.

When you see a tree in the clouds, it’s not good news.

Heaven is crowded with civilian pilots who did not get their Instrument Rating.

Aviation’s greatest invention was the relief tube.

My junior high school teacher told me no one would pay me to look out the window. Now I’m an airline captain.

The older I get, the better pilot I was.

I'm at the age when I realize the best thing about flying fighters was free oxygen.

Takeoffs are optional, landings are mandatory.

Never fly the “A” model of anything.

Because I’m the Captain, that’s why!

Pilots - looking down on people since 1903.

There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing. Unfortunately, no pilot knows exactly what they are.

The average fighter pilot despite a swaggering personality and confident exterior is capable of feelings such as love, affection, humility, caring and intimacy. They just don’t involve others.




When everything else is going against you, remember an aircraft still takes off into the wind.

Pilots Pat Halloran and Tom Keck in their SR-71s, “Yeah, though I fly through the valley of the shadow of death, I fear no evil, for I am at 80,000 Ft. and climbing.

An idiot can get an airplane off the ground, It takes a pilot to get it back in one piece.

Pilot dictum: remember, in the end, gravity always wins.

You can only tie the record for flying low.

Black boxes may be replacing pilots, but pilots can be maintained easily and produced by unskilled labor.

Many young, inexperienced pilots have delusions of adequacy.

Flying is the art of learning to throw yourself at the ground and miss.

Richard Reid forced us to remove our shoes in the TSA line. Thank goodness he wasn’t the “underwear bomber.”

Elderly lady to airline captain, “Are you sure you are safe to fly?” Answer, “Lady, how do you think I got this old?”

Optimists invented the airplane. Pessimists invented the parachute.

Scientific fact: the rings of Saturn are composed of lost airline luggage.

Newton’s Law: What goes up must come down. Squadron Commander’s Law: What comes down better be able to go up again!

I was 14 when I wanted to be a pilot. I’m now 80 and still want to be a pilot, but I’d rather be 14 again.

Ladies and gentlemen, this is the Captain speaking. This was the First Officer’s leg and he made that landing you just experienced. I have asked him to stand at the door and receive your comments.

Passenger to Flight Attendant: “John Wayne didn’t use a seatbelt.” Flight Attendant: “John Wayne isn’t going to New York with us and neither are you unless you buckle up!”

Icarus could have flown if he picked a cloudy day.

As George Carlin said, “If black boxes survive crashes, why don’t they make the whole airplane out of that stuff?

Soldier to a pilot: “Why didn’t you join the Army?” Pilot’s answer, “I found out that good food and clean sheets were readily available on nearby Air Force bases.”

“Roger” - a term used by pilots when they can’t figure out what else to say.

“Cone of Confusion” - all radio terminology on JFK ground control.

“Balls-to-the-wall” - FULL THROTTLE, or an EXTREMELY bad landing.

Kennedy Ground Control to female pilot. “I told you to turn on Alpha!” Female pilot, “Don’t be angry, I didn’t understand you!” Controller, “Are you my ex-wife?”

Beer was invented to make pilot stories more interesting.

Pilots have to be brave so they don’t get scared when they can’t see at night, or inside of clouds, or when a motor or wing falls off.

You have never lived until you've almost died. Life has a special flavor the protected will never know.

Helicopter pilots are different from airplane pilots. Airplane pilots are open, clear-eyed, buoyant extroverts. Helicopter pilots are brooders, introspective anticipators of trouble. They know if something bad has not happened, it is about to.

Death is God’s way of telling pilots to watch their airspeed on final.

You can’t fly unless you can land, but you can’t land unless you can fly. So, which is it?

What is the worst thing that can happen when you are flying? - running out of airspeed, altitude and ideas all at the same time.

All engine sounds are magnified over the ocean.

What do you do when you are in trouble flying? Call for help. What if no help is available? Then no sense calling.

What do you do if you don’t like your boss? Go flying. What if he won’t let you go flying? Go anyway, he won’t be your boss for long.

We are reaching the age where “life sentence” is less of a threat.

FAA motto for pilots: “We’re not happy unless you’re not happy.”

Airline pilots must learn to land because some passengers have low pain thresholds.

 

[mrs.dr.ron]

2020 XMAS DECORATIONS !!!

 

[Major]

One more pilot quotation

The only time you have too much fuel is when you are on fire