A bit of humour

[cambriamarsh]

In honour of a poorly attended 2021 Melbourne Cup here is great commentary of the NZ covid race

Welcome punters to the first Tuesday in November which means it's time for the running of the race that stops a nation, The AUCKLAND 90% VAX RATE CUP .. A capacity crowd of 10 here to watch this year's race .... A very strong field this year and my money is on the trifecta of WAITEMATA, AUCKLAND and COUNTIES MANUKAU DHB's .... MODELLING EXPERT appears to be out of sorts .... ANTI VAXER is refusing to get into the gates and looks like that's the last we'll see of them today ..... a lot of late money on RESSURGENCE and WAGE SUBSIDY .... 2021 SCHOOL YEAR has been scratched .... COURIER PARCEL is nowhere to be seen .... RETAIL is very slow to get in ....there's a Stewards enquiry on HOSPITALITY and I don't think they'll be taking part this year now .... a lot of people's hopes are pinned on PICNIC BUBBLE .... and last to enter and expected to finish way back is MY CHILD'S EDUCATION ...... Waiting for the horses to settle and the green light to come on ... or is it red light ... or even orange light .... and they're off .... ESCAPEE out of MIQ has bolted early ..... but hang on folks ... Just when you had your hopes up, we'll announce the calling of the race next week .. we might change it to the week after ... and if we feel like it, we might not even announce it at all.

 

[Major]

 

[cosi]

The owner & bartender was so sure that he was the strongest man around, that he offered a standing $1000 bet.

The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and then hand the lemon to a patron.

Anyone who could squeeze two more drops of juice out of it, would win the money.

Many people had tried, over the years: weightlifters, longshoremen, football players etc., but nobody had ever been able to do it.

One day, this scrawny little fellow came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit.

He sat down, ordered a glass of draft, & started looking around the bar.

After reading the sign on the wall about the lemon challenge, he said in a meek voice:

"I was just reading your sign, and I'd like to try the bet."

After the laughter in the pub had died down, the bartender grabbed a lemon and squeezed the heck out of it.....

Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little fellow.

The Crowd's laughter turned to total silence....as the man clenched his little fist around the lemon....and six drops fell into the glass.

As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the guy his $1000, and then asked little man:

"Do you mind if I ask what do you do for a living?

Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter, or what?"

The little fellow quietly replied:

No "I work for the Australian Tax Office".

 

[Ansett]

 

[Ansett]

 

[Major]

Worldwide Telephone Survey ...

Last month, a world-wide telephone survey was conducted by the UN. The only question asked was:

"Would you please give your honest opinion about possible solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"

The survey was a complete failure because:

In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.

In Western Europe, they didn't know what "shortage" meant.

In Africa, they didn't know what "food" meant.

In China, they didn't know what "opinion" meant.

In the Middle East, they didn't know what "solution" meant.

In South America, they didn't know what "please" meant.

In the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.

And in Australia, New Zealand, Canada, and Great Britain everyone hung up as soon as they heard the Indian accent.

 

[Major]

 

[jastel]

WARNING ...RANT!
For those of you who are placing Christmas lights / decorations in your garden, can you please avoid anything that has Red or Blue flashing lights together?
Every time I come around the corner, I think it's the police and I have a panic attack.
I have to brake hard, toss my rum out of the window, hide the weed, fasten my seat belt, throw my phone on the floor, turn my radio down, and push the gun under the seat, all while trying to drive.
It's just too much drama, even for Christmas.
Thank you for your cooperation and understanding.
(Please keep this up and steal this post like I did...) We all need a laugh.

 

[Hvr]

What do you call a woman who sets fire to her bills?

Bernadette.

 

[straitman]

A woman went into a bar in Waco and saw a cowboy with his feet propped up on a table:

He had the biggest boots she'd ever seen.
The woman asked the cowboy if it's true what they say that men with big feet are well endowed.

The cowboy grinned and said. "Shore is, little lady. Why don't you come on out to the bunkhouse and let me prove it to you?"

The woman wanted to find out for herself, so she spent the night with him.

The next morning she handed him two $100 bills. Blushing, he said. "Well, thankee, ma'am. Ah'm real flattered. Ain't nobody ever paid me fer mah services before."

"Don't be flattered. Take the money and buy yourself some boots that fit."

 

[JohnM]

A woman went into a bar in Waco and saw a cowboy with his feet propped up on a table:

He had the biggest boots she'd ever seen.
The woman asked the cowboy if it's true what they say that men with big feet are well endowed.

The cowboy grinned and said. "Shore is, little lady. Why don't you come on out to the bunkhouse and let me prove it to you?"

The woman wanted to find out for herself, so she spent the night with him.

The next morning she handed him two $100 bills. Blushing, he said. "Well, thankee, ma'am. Ah'm real flattered. Ain't nobody ever paid me fer mah services before."

"Don't be flattered. Take the money and buy yourself some boots that fit."

It's well known that it's actually inversely proportional...

 

[drron]

It's well known that it's actually inversely proportional...

Not according to Joel Garner when talking to Peter Sterling when walking to the crease after lunch at the Allan border Testimonial match in Brisbane.

 

[Major]

 

[Ansett]

 

[Major]

got it

 

[Major]

Every morning, the CEO of a large bank in Manhattan walks to the
corner for a shoeshine. He sits in an armchair, examines the Wall
Street Journal, and the shoe shiner buffs his shoes to a mirror shine.

One morning the shoe shiner asks the CEO: "What do you think about the
situation in the stock market?" The man answered arrogantly, "Why are
you so interested in that topic?" The shoe guy replies, "I have
millions in your bank," he says, "and I'm considering investing some
of the money in the capital market."

"What's your name? " asked the executive. John H. Smith was the reply.

The CEO arrives at the bank and asks the Manager of the Customer
Department; Do we have a client named John H. Smith? "Certainly,
answers the Customer Service Manager, "he is a high net worth customer
with $ 12.6 million dollars in his account."

The executive comes out, approaches the shoe shiner, and says, "Mr.
Smith, I would like to invite you next Monday to be the guest of honor
at our board meeting and tell us the story of your life. I am sure we
could learn something from your life's experience."

At the board meeting, the CEO introduces him to the board members. "We
all know Mr. Smith, from the corner shoeshine stand, but Mr. Smith is
also an esteemed customer. I invited him here to tell us the story of
his life. I am sure we can learn from him."

Mr. Smith began his story.

"I came to this country fifty years ago as a young immigrant from
Europe with an unpronounceable name. I got off the ship without a
penny. The first thing I did was change my name to Smith. I was hungry
and exhausted. I started wandering around looking for a job but to no
avail. Fortunately, I found a coin on the sidewalk. I bought an apple.
I had two options, eat the apple and quench my hunger or start a
business. I sold the apple for 25 cents and bought two apples with the
money. I also sold them and continued in business.

When I started accumulating a few dollars, I was able to buy a set of
used brushes and shoe polish and started polishing shoes. I didn't
spend a penny on entertainment or clothing, I just bought bread and
some cheese to survive. I saved penny by penny and after a while, I
bought a new set of shoe brushes and polishes in different shades and
expanded my clientele. I lived like a monk and saved penny by penny.
After a while, I was able to buy an armchair so my clients could sit
comfortably while I shined their shoes, and that brought me more
clients. I did not spend a penny on the joys of life. I kept saving
every cent. A few years ago, when the previous shoe shiner on the
corner decided to retire, I had already saved enough money to buy his
shoeshine location at this great place. Finally, 6 months ago, my
sister, who was a prostitute in Chicago, passed away and left me $
12.6 million dollars.

 

[tgh]

Slow news day for Auntie today, this came up as my headliner

 

[CaptJCool]

I can see clearly now

T’ pain is gone

 

[CaptJCool]

Slow news day for Auntie today, this came up as my headliner

Gosh it became a fast news day what with news outta Tassie.....

 

[Geegeela]