A bit of humour

[Hvr]

THE UGLY FROG

An older lady was somewhat lonely and decided she needed a pet to keep her company. So, off to the pet shop she went. She searched and searched. None of the pets seemed to catch her interest, except this ugly frog. As she walked by the jar he was in, she looked and he winked at her.

He whispered, 'I'M SO LONELY, TOO. BUY ME AND TAKE ME HOME.. YOU WON'T EVER BE SORRY.'


The old lady figured, what the heck! She hadn't found anything else. So, she bought the frog. She placed him in the car, on the front seat beside her. As she was slowly driving down the road, the frog whispered to her

'KISS ME AND YOU WON'T BE SORRY.'!

So! The old lady figured, WHAT THE HECK, and kissed the frog.

IMMEDIATELY the frog turned into an absolutely gorgeous, sexy, young, handsome prince

THE PRINCE THEN RETURNED THE OLD LADY'S KISS.


SUDDENLY THE OLD LADY FELT HERSELF TRANSFORMING FROM HIS KISS. NOW CAN YOU GUESS WHAT THE OLD LADY TURNED INTO?

COME ON GUESS!


*

*

*

*






SHE TURNED INTO THE FIRST Travelodge SHE COULD FIND!!!
She's old...... NOT DEAD!!!!!
OLD LADIES ROCK

 

[Hvr]

Of course, things like spare batteries and other relatively dense items have no weight at all if you are wearing them on your person.

Have we met? :shock:


I used that trick last time with a couple of dozen golf balls on my person.

I guess it was lucky this situation didn't occur.






A man entered the plane with both of his front pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a blonde.

The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.
Finally, after many such glances from her, he said,"It's golf balls."

Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him for a very long time, deeply thinking about what he had said.

After several minutes, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, she asked,

"Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"

 

[Ikara]

Yes, I know, totally non-PC. But sometimes we just have to laugh at ourselves.

Julia's solution to the boat problem..............

JB

 

[anat0l]

Been watching a few of these types of videos on YouTube lately. This one fell into the "This takes the cake" basket. From the "age" of the video, you could probably get away with a lot more w.r.t. insulting people on game shows in those days. Thank god....some people really deserve it.

And please, drop the whole "they were under pressure blah blah blah" argument......

YouTube - Dumbest Family Feud Contestants

 

[samh004]

Been watching a few of these types of videos on YouTube lately. This one fell into the "This takes the cake" basket. From the "age" of the video, you could probably get away with a lot more w.r.t. insulting people on game shows in those days. Thank god....some people really deserve it.

And please, drop the whole "they were under pressure blah blah blah" argument......

YouTube - Dumbest Family Feud Contestants

"You don’t use narcotics Bob?"
"No but I will!"

 

[drron]

A few from the USA-
The economy is so bad that they caught a truck load of Americans sneaking into Mexico.
The economy is so bad that parents in Beverley Hills are sacking their nannies and learning their children's names.
The economy is so bad that I received a pre-declined credit card in the mail.
The economy is so bad that if you receive your cheque back from the bank endorsed insufficient funds you need to ring the bank to ask-yours or mine.

 

[codash1099]

Handful of 7 YR. OLD CHILDREN were asked 'What they thought of beer.'

Some interesting responses:

"I think beer must be good. My dad says the more beer he drinks the prettier my Mom gets." --Tim, 7 years old

'Beer makes my dad sleepy and we get to watch what we want on television when he is asleep, so beer is nice.' --Mellanie

"My Mom and Dad both like beer. My Mom gets funny when she drinks it and takes her top off at parties, but Dad doesn't think this is very funny." --Grady

''My Mom and Dad talk funny when they drink beer and the more they drink the more they give kisses to each other, which is a good thing.' --Toby

"My Dad gets funny on beer. He is funny. He also wets his pants sometimes, so he shouldn't have too much. --Sarah

"My Dad loves beer. The more he drinks, the better he dances. One time he danced right into the pool--Lilly

"I don't like beer very much. Every time Dad drinks it, he burns the sausages on the barbecue and they taste disgusting." --Ethan

"I give Dad's beer to the dog and he goes to sleep.' --Shirley

"My Mom drinks beer and she says silly things and picks on my father. Whenever she drinks beer she yells at Dad and tells him to go bury his bone down the street again, but that doesn't make any sense." --Jack

 

[anat0l]

Paul Lynde's responses & quips whilst on the classic Hollywood Squares

(for some of these, it might be worth noting that Paul Lynde was gay)

Peter Marshall (Question Master): If the right part comes along, will George C. Scott do a nude scene?
Paul Lynde: You mean he doesn't have the right part?

Peter Marshall: According to Tony Randall, "Every woman I've been intimate with in my life has been..." What?
Paul Lynde: Bitterly disappointed.

Peter Marshall: Diamonds should not be kept with your family jewels, why?
Paul Lynde: They're so cold!

Peter Marshall: In the Middle Ages, Paul, people in convents were not allowed to eat beans because they believed something about them we now know isn't true. What?
Paul Lynde: Well, I know they took a vow of silence...

Peter Marshall: Whose motto is "Do Your Best"?
Paul Lynde: I guess we can rule out Jimmy Carter...

Peter Marshall: According to the French Chef, Julia Child, how much is a pinch?
Paul Lynde: Just enough to turn her on...

Peter Marshall: It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics. What is the other?
Paul Lynde: Tape measures.

Peter Marshall: During the War of 1812, Captain Oliver Perry made the famous statement, "We have met the enemy and..." What?
Paul Lynde: They are cute.

Peter Marshall: What is the name of the instrument with the light on the end, that the doctor sticks in your ear?
Paul Lynde: Oh, a cigarette.

Peter Marshall: Paul, how many men are on a hockey team?
Paul Lynde: Oh, about half.

Peter Marshall: What should you do if you're going 55 miles per hour and your tires suddenly blow out?
Paul Lynde: Honk if you believe in Jesus.

Peter Marshall: What do you call a man who gives you diamonds and pearls?
Paul Lynde: I'd call him "darling"!

Peter Marshall: True or false...a shipment of the Pill was recently recalled because they were actually sugar pills...
Paul Lynde: Does this mean all of the babies born in November will have pimples?

Peter Marshall: Paul, in what famous book will you read about a talking cough who wonders why it's being beaten?
Paul Lynde: I read it, "The Joy of Sex."

Peter Marshall: If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.

Peter Marshall: What did James Watt invent after fooling around with his wife's tea kettle?
Paul Lynde: James Watt Jr.

Peter Marshall: Paul, can anything bring tears to a chimp's eyes?
Paul Lynde: Finding out that Tarzan swings both ways!

Peter Marshall: Fred Astaire says, his mother has been trying to get him to do this since he was 35. But he hasn't done it and says he won't do it until he's ready. Do what?
Paul Lynde: Move out of the house!

Peter Marshall: Paul, you have a 9 year old son who constantly wets the bed. What should you do?
Paul Lynde: Get rid of him! (audience laughter)
Charley Weaver: I know what you should do -- you should get him a waterbed! (camera shot of Charley Weaver enjoying having topped Lynde)
Paul Lynde (pretending to be annoyed): Put the camera back on me!

Peter Marshall: It is the most abused and neglected part of your body-- what is it?
Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused but it certainly isn't neglected!

Peter Marshall: Paul,Zsa Zsa Gabor says she never ever swims with her face in the water. Why?
Paul Lynde: It clogs the drain.

Peter Marshall: Paul. A recent navy picture had Admiral Zumwalt kissing Admiral Duirk. Why?
Paul Lynde: Too long at sea!

Peter Marshall: Paul, for a thousand dollars and a tie game, according to psychologists, do most people sleep better in their street clothes than in their pajamas?
Paul Lynde: Yeah, we call them winos.

Peter Marshallaul, according to the classic movie Frankenstein, Dr. Frankenstein was supposed to do something important the day the monster killed him. What?
Paul Lynde: I think a tonsillectomy.

Peter Marshall:When President Nixon was in Poland recently the Polish people kept shouting, "Stolat! Stolat! Stolat!" What does "Stolat" mean?
Paul Lynde: Welcome, President Johnson

Peter Marshall: Eva Gabor says she dislikes a particular word because it signals the end of something that started out so beautifully. What word?
Paul Lynde: Pregnant.

Peter Marshall: Paul, is there such a thing as a female rooster?
Paul Lynde: Yeah, they're the ones who just go "a doodle doo!"

Peter Marshall: Paul, what profession is the most common for prostitutes after they retire?
Paul Lynde: Smuggling!

Peter Marshall: True or false...there are more psychiatrists in Beverly Hills than plumbers.
Paul Lynde: When my toilet's backed up, I don't care who fixes it!

Peter Marshall: Now listen carefully, Paul...during the time of the hula hoop, the yo-yo, and Davy Crockett hats, who was in the White House?
Paul Lynde: I'll say the yo-yo!

Peter Marshall: Paul, according to the World Book Encylopedia, what is the main reason dogs pant?
Paul Lynde: Because they can’t talk dirty!

Peter Marshall: Sophia Loren has written a cookbook which will be published this spring entitled, “Cooking With ...” Cooking with what?
Paul Lynde: Cooking with a three-foot-long spoon.

Peter Marshall: Fidel Castro recently gave Yugoslavia’s Marshall Tito a gift. What was it?
Paul Lynde: A cheap, hand–painted tie.

Peter Marshall: Paul, true or false. Occasionally, a bull moose will hear the horn of diesel train and will run to it thinking that it is its lover?
Paul Lynde: And heaven help the conductor!

Peter Marshall: Glen Campbell recently stated, “Love to me is something you ..." Something you what?
Paul Lynde: Purchase.

Peter Marshall: Besides a baton , what did Xavier Cugat always have in his hand when he lead his orchestra?
Paul Lynde: Oh, arthritis.

Peter Marshall: Can chewing gum help prevent a child from catching a cold?
Paul Lynde: No, but I know it’ll plug a runny nose.

Peter Marshall: Paul, true or false. Nylon is stronger than steel?
Paul Lynde: But steel panties don’t turn me on!

Peter Marshall: Who are more likely to be romantically responsive. Women under thirty or women over thirty?
Paul Lynde: I don’t have a third choice…?

Peter Marshall: True or false. In Sweden, a person can get an instant divorce?
Paul Lynde: Yes, from poisoned meatballs.

Peter Marshall: Eddie Fisher recently stated, “I’m sorry. I’m sorry for them both.” Who or what was he referring to?
Paul Lynde: His fans.

Peter Marshall: Playboy Magazine recently published a book by billionaire J. Paul Getty called, “How To ...” How to what?
Paul Lynde: How To Treat Oily Skin.

Peter Marshall: Paul, true or false, the University of Nebraska was recently given $185,000 for an extensive study of the prune.
Paul Lynde: There goes $185,000 down the drain!

Peter Marshall: Paul. If a man goes over the edge of a ship, one should yell, "Man Overboard!" If a woman goes over the edge, what should you yell?
Paul Lynde: Full speed ahead!

Peter Marshall: How do you mount a fly?
Paul Lynde: With a teensy-weensy step ladder.

Peter Marshall: How does a woman keep her bosom from sagging?
Paul Lynde: Pierced Ears and two pieces of string.

Peter Marshall: According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
Paul Lynde: Point and Laugh

...and a couple from Charley Weaver...

Peter Marshall: When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him.

Peter Marshall: Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
Charley Weaver: His feet.

 

[Bundy Bear]

“Good Morning, this is Pakistan Radio Sports News.
Here are tomorrow's cricket results"......


*******************************************


You're lost and alone in the middle of a vast forest. All you have with you is a soggy matchbox with a couple of broken matches left.


You have no food, no shelter and no hope of rescue. Who do you call?







The Pakistan cricket team. They fix matches!

 

[codash1099]

A couple is celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary in a lovely restaurant. They were talking about how happy their marriage has been and still is.

The husband says, "We have been married for so long, 50 wonderful years, but there is something I have been meaning to ask you."

"Yes, dear, anything you want," replies the wife.

"Have you always been faithful? Come on, you can tell me; we have been married for so long nothing can change that."

Shocked as she was she figured she owed him the truth.

"I have been unfaithful three times," she says. "Remember when you were going to lose the business and you desperately needed a loan, but none of the banks you went to gave you one. And then, on the weekend, one of the bank managers came to the house and gave it to you. Well that was the first time."

"I am shocked, but also I love you dearly because you sacrificed yourself to save me from bankruptcy. What about the 2nd time?" he asks.

"The second time was when you had the heart attack and needed that special surgery. Remember the heart specialist flew in from Chicago?" she said.

"Again I am shocked but I love you even more because you did it for me. You are truly a magnificent woman. Tell me the third time."

"Well, remember when you were running for mayor and you were 47 votes short...."

 

[QF WP]

29 UNIVERSAL TRUTHS

1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.

5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

6. Was learning cursive really necessary?

7. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

8. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

9. Bad decisions make good stories.

10. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.

11. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection ... again.

12. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.

13. "Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this - ever.

14. I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Damn it!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What did you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?

15. I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.

16. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

17. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

18. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid " routing option.

19. Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the heck was going on when I first saw it.

20. I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.

21. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

22. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?

23. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent an a ** from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!

24. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.

25. Is it just me or do high school kids get dumber & dumber every year?

26. There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.

27. As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.

28. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

29. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet my behind everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time!

 

[Ikara]

29 UNIVERSAL TRUTHS

5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

Try here.............

How to fold a fitted sheet

JB

 

[medhead]

29 UNIVERSAL TRUTHS


5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

Try here.............

How to fold a fitted sheet

JB

Um it's fitted! no folds required.

 

[QF WP]

In a criminal justice system based on 12 individuals not smart enough to get out of jury duty, here is a jury to be proud of:
A defendant was on trial for murder. There was strong evidence indicating guilt, but there was no corpse. In the defense's closing statement, the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, resorted to a trick.

"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all," the lawyer said as he looked at his watch. "Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom." He looked toward the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked on eagerly.

A minute passed. Nothing happened.

Finally the lawyer said, "Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I, therefore, put it to you that you have a reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed, and I insist that you return a verdict of not guilty."

The jury retired to deliberate.

A few minutes later, the jury returned and pronounced a verdict of guilty.

"But how?" inquired the lawyer. "You must have had some doubt; I saw all of you stare at the door."

The jury foreman replied:"Yes, we did look, but your client didn't."

 

[drron]

In a criminal justice system based on 12 individuals not smart enough to get out of jury duty,

This part is no longer funny in the USA There are many reports of the CSI effect-if no DNA evidence the jury acquits-here in Texas 1 case with 2 eyewitnesses to an assault but the accused still got off as no DNA evidence.Great how they interview the jury afterwards.

 

[anat0l]

This part is no longer funny in the USA. There are many reports of the CSI effect-if no DNA evidence the jury acquits-here in Texas 1 case with 2 eyewitnesses to an assault but the accused still got off as no DNA evidence.Great how they interview the jury afterwards.

Oy vey - I'm not liking it.

You do also have those jurors who can't be buggered considering the evidence and vote so they can get the hell out of the trial. Then you have some dim wits in Australia who were playing Sudoku rather than paying attention, resulting in the whole expensive case being abandoned.

In any case, there is no possible action that can be taken against the jurors.

The play Twelve Angry Men comes to mind.

 

[QF WP]

Have you ever wondered what is the difference between grandmothers and grandfathers? Well here it is:

A friend, who worked away from home all week, always made a special effort with his family on the weekends. Every Sunday morning he would take his 7-year old granddaughter out for a drive in the car for some bonding time just him and his granddaughter. One particular Sunday however, he had a bad cold and really didn't feel like being up at all. Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she would take their granddaughter out.

When they returned, the little girl ran upstairs to see her grandfather.

"Well, did you enjoy your ride with grandma?" he said.

"Oh yes, Granddad" the girl replied, "and do you know what? We didn't see a single coughhole, blind cough, dip **** or wanker anywhere we went today!"


Almost brings a tear to the eye .

 

[QF WP]

Actual exchanges between pilots and control towers

Tower: 'Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!'
Delta 351: 'Give us another hint! We have digital watches!'

**************************************************************************************************
Tower: 'TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees.'
TWA 2341: 'Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?'
Tower: 'Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?'

****************************************************************************************************
From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue:
'I'm f...ing bored!'
Ground Traffic Control: 'Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!'
Unknown aircraft: 'I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!'

**************************************************************************************************
O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: 'United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker,
one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound.'
United 329: 'Approach, I've always wanted to say this..I've got the little Fokker in sight.'

****************************************************************************************************
A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to
locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, 'What was your last known position?'
Student: 'When I was number one for takeoff.'

***************************************************************************************************

A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after
touching down.
San Jose Tower Noted: 'American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the
runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off
Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport.'

****************************************************************************************************
A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich , overheard the following:
Lufthansa (in German): ' Ground, what is our start clearance time?'
Ground (in English): 'If you want an answer you must speak in English.'
Lufthansa (in English): 'I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany ..
Why must I speak English?'
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): 'Because you lost the bloody war!'

****************************************************************************************************

Tower: 'Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7'
Eastern 702: 'Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we
lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway.'
Tower: 'Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact
Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?'
BR Continental 635: 'Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers.'

****************************************************************************************************

One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the
active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around,
and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew
got on the radio and said, 'What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?
'
The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger:
'I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts
for another one.'

****************************************************************************************************

The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered
lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get
there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we
(a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground
control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.
Speedbird 206: ' Frankfurt , Speedbird 206! clear of active runway.'
Ground: 'Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven.'
The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Ground: 'Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?'
Speedbird 206: 'Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now.'!
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): 'Speedbird 206, have you not been to
Frankfurt before?'
Speedbird 206 (coolly): 'Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, -- And I didn't land.'

*************************************************************************************************
While taxiing at London 's Gatwick Airport , the crew of a US Air flight departing
for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727.
An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming:
'US Air 2771, where the hell are you going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie
taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you
to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!'
Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically:
'God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You
stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi
instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you,
when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?'
'Yes, ma'am,' the humbled crew responded.
Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent
after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging
the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every coughpit
out around Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke
the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: 'Wasn't I married to you once?'

 

[QF WP]

IT CAN BE HARD KEEPING A STRAIGHT FACE AS A COURT REPORTER

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things
people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by
court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges
were actually taking place.

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said , 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No , I just lie there.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do..
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes , voodoo.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor , isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep ,
he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son , the 20-year-old , how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20 , much like your IQ.
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you ****ting me?
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new
attorney?
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a
deposition notice
which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead
people?
WITNESS: All of them.. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral , OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral...
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not , he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________

And last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that e could have been alive and practicing law.

 

[maggies1]

No23 Universal truths

I love this one. Reminds me of the day when a young lout thought he would be smart and cut through the petrol station from the back of the line and came out near the front of the line. Nobody would let him in and he ended up further back in the line than if he had stayed where he was to start with.

Maggies1