A bit of humour

LAWYER: "On the morning of July 25th, did you walk from the farmhouse
down the footpath to the cowshed?"

WITNESS: "I did."

LAWYER: "And as a result, you passed within a few yards of the duckpond?"

WITNESS: "I did."

LAWYER: "And did you observe anything?"

WITNESS: "I did." (Witness remains silent.)

LAWYER: "Well, could you tell the Court what you saw?"

WITNESS: "I saw George."

LAWYER: " You saw George *******, the defendant in this case?"

WITNESS: "Yes."

LAWYER: "Can you tell the Court what George ******* was doing?"

WITNESS: "Yes." (Witness remains silent.)

LAWYER: "Well, would you kindly do so?"

WITNESS: " He had his thing stuck into one of the ducks."

LAWYER: "His 'thing?'"

WITNESS: "You know... His thing. His di... I mean, his cough."

LAWYER: "You passed close by the duckpond, the light was good, you were
sober, you have good eyesight, and you saw this clearly?"

WITNESS: "Yes."

LAWYER: "Did you say anything to him?"

WITNESS: "Of course, I did!"

LAWYER: "What did you say to him?"

WITNESS: "Morning, George."
 
oz_mark said:
I've only ever seen that joke with the asterisks, so I am not sure that it is this sites filter doing it.
Click to expand...

anat0l said:
I'm pretty sure it could have been any name, but that's not the point of the joke anyway.
Click to expand...

I thought it might have been a funny name to go along with it, but if it’s real then it’s removed to protect :?: the idiot ;) so I understand now.
 
An English MP was on a goodwill trip to Scotland and during the course of his visit he was scheduled to visit a hospital in Glasgow. Upon arrival he was shown into a men's ward which was full of older gentlemen. He approached the first bed and said "Hello, how are you?" whereupon the man in the bed said:

"Wee sleekit cowrin' tim'rous beastie, O, what a panic's in thy breastie, thou need na start awa sae hasty, Wi' bickering brattle! I wad be laith to rin an' chase thee, Wi murd'ring pattle!

Somewhat nonplussed he smiled nervously and moved to the next bed, but before he could speak, the occupant of the bed began: "Ye flowery banks o' bonie Doon, How can ye blume sae fair? How can ye chant, ye little birds, And I sae fu' o' care!"

Moving quickly on he came to the third bed, whose occupant began to rant: "Aye wud te gad the grace te gi'us te se ourselves as ithers see us".

By now completely confused the MP turned to the Doctor who was showing him round and said: "Is this the Psychiatric ward?", to which the doctor replied:

"No, it's the Serious Burns unit.
 
TAX TIME


A woman walks into an accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes.

The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask you a few questions."

He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. And then asks,"What's your occupation?"

"I'm a prostitute," she says.

The accountant is somewhat taken aback and says, "Let's try to rephrase that."

The woman says, "OK, I'm a high-end call girl".

"No, that still won't work. Try again." They both think for a minute; then the woman says,
"I'm an elite chicken farmer."
The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a prostitute?"
"Well, I raised a thousand little coughs last year."
"Chicken Farmer it is."
 
[FONT=&quot]A stockman from North Queensland attends a social function where Prime Minister Julia is speechifying.

Clearly the stockman was not paying much attention, yacking with those closest and even quite far away.

Julia endeavoured to attract his interest with slower single syllable words.

As she was doing that, she kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around her head.

The stockman says, "Yer havin' some problem with them circle flies?"

Julia stopped talking and said, "Well, yes, if that's what they're called, but I've never heard of circle flies."

"Well ma'am," the stockman replies, "Circle flies hang around these parts a lot. They're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse."

"Oh," Julia replies and resumes rambling. But, a moment later she stops and bluntly asks, "Are you calling me a horse's cough?"

"No, ma'am," the stockman replies, "I have too much respect for the citizens of this country to call their duly elected Prime Minister a horse's cough."

"Thank you for that respectful explanation," Julia responds and resumes rambling once more.

And the stockman adds slowly ... "Hard to fool them flies, though."
[/FONT]
 
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The cow, ant and old fart were debating on who was the greatest of the three of them.

The cow said she was the greatest because she gave 50 liters of milk every day.

The ant said he was the greatest because he works day and night, summer and winter and could carry 52 times his own weight.





























Why are you scrolling down? It's your turn to say something!
 
Paddy is passing by Mick's hay shed one day when through a gap in the door
he sees Mick doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old red
Massey Ferguson .

Buttocks clenched he performs a slow pirouette and gently slides off first
the right welly, followed by the left.

He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move lets
his braces fall down from his shoulders to dangle by his hips over his
corduroy trousers.

Grabbing both sides of his check shirt he rips it apart to reveal his tea
stained vest underneath and with a final flourish he hurls his flat cap on
to a pile of hay.

"What the heck are you doing Mick" says Paddy.

"Jeez Paddy, ye frightened the livin bejasus out of me, says an obviously
embarrassed Mick: "but me and the Missus been having some trouble lately in
the bedroom department, and the Therapist suggested I do something sexy to
a tractor".
 
As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the aervice was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Kentucky back country.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions. I finally arrived over an hour late and saw that the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late.

I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place and earth covered most of it. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this poor, homeless man. And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together.

When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I ain't never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years!"

Apparently I was still lost
 
A few truths about flying - haven't seen all of these posted before:
  • Takeoffs are optional. Landings are mandatory.
  • If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger, if you pull the stick back they get smaller. Unless you keep pulling the stick back...then they get bigger again.
  • Flying is not dangerous; crashing is dangerous.
  • The propeller is just a big fan in the front of the plane to keep the pilot cool. Want proof? Make it stop; then watch the pilot break out into a sweat.
  • The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.
  • Every one already knows the definition of a 'good' landing is one from which you can walk away. But very few know the definition of a 'great landing.' It's one after which you can use the airplane another time.
  • The probability of survival is equal to the angle of arrival.
  • A helicopter is a collection of rotating parts going round and round and reciprocating parts going up and down -- all of them trying to become random in motion. Helicopters can't really fly -- they're just so ugly that the earth immediately repels them.
  • Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to make all of them yourself.
  • There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing: Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.
  • The only thing worse than a captain who never flew as co-pilot is a co-pilot who once was a captain.
  • It's easy to make a small fortune in aviation. You start with a large fortune.
  • A male pilot is a confused soul who talks about women when he's flying, and about flying when he's with a woman.
  • Try to keep the number of your landings equal to the number of your takeoffs.
  • Asking what a pilot thinks about the FAA is like asking a fire hydrant what it thinks about dogs.
 
There are times that I hate computers and my own lack of knowledge about them and am (slightly) jealous off those that have it. This is one of those times....:shock: (I so wanted to post this comment I got in an email).

Then again, my knowledge is in areas that other may have a lack of understanding...so to that I cling

Thanks codash1099 for keeping me grounded :lol:
 
Lindsay Wilson said:
There are times that I hate computers and my own lack of knowledge about them and am (slightly) jealous off those that have it. This is one of those times....:shock: (I so wanted to post this comment I got in an email).

Then again, my knowledge is in areas that other may have a lack of understanding...so to that I cling

Thanks codash1099 for keeping me grounded :lol:
Click to expand...

If you forward me or another member the email, we can give you a link to post it here ;)

We can’t tell you how the black magic is done though! :p
 
Lindsay Wilson said:
Can't - deleted it in disgust and cleared by Deleted folder at the same time. It's gone.
Click to expand...

Lucky for me you posted just enough there :p

Two Story Outhouse

Words fail me! This picture is worth 10,000 of them.

image001-1.jpg


Yep!!! This pretty much says it all.

Needs no additional comments!!!
 

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