A bit of humour

[p--and--t]

 

[TheRealTMA]

 

[SYD]

 

[cosi]

 

[RooFlyer]

View attachment 392782

From 1961 - Bondi beach and Waverly Council lifeguards

 

[prozac]

2 years ago, Kiss playing in Austria. Last night in Vienna, that's Austria.

 

[p--and--t]

 

[p--and--t]

 

[p--and--t]

 

[Ikara]

Responses to “What is the coolest line a pilot has said to the passengers?”

I was on a crowded flight to Texas. A woman boarded with a very upset 3 year
old who was crying and carrying on. You could tell she was already at her
wits end. A flight attendant walked over and asked the baby’s name, which
turned out to be Elias. A few moments later, a voice came out from the
coughpit on the PA system.

“Elias? This is Santa.”

The little boy sat up, focused on the disembodied voice.

“Elias, I want you to be a good boy so I can bring you something really good
at Christmas, so no crying or fussing, ok?”

The little boy was wide-eyed as he nodded. He was quiet the whole flight.

===============================

The pilot had really banged the plane onto the runway and was dreading
having to stand at the door and thank the passengers as they exited. He was
certain someone would have a comment, but no one did. He started to relax
when everyone had gotten off except a little, old lady with a walker. But
when she finally made it up the aisle, she stopped and asked, “Did we land
or were we shot down?”

================================

As a plane was flying it started shaking very badly and soon the pilot got
on and announced I'm very sorry folks but we have just lost power to one of
our engines we are going to try and restart it please remain calm .. a
terrified man shouts out please tell us how far will one engine get us ?
Pilot pauses then answers the man, “All the way to the crash site. “

================================

I had a late-night Southwest flight to Rochester NY last week. It was the
terminus for a long flight that had stopped twice. The pilot thanked the
passengers and then said: “Now I want to tell you the same thing my father
told me on my 18th birthday. Get your stuff and get out!” and for the
children onboard, we are nearly there and will remain nearly there till we
get there!

================================

This is your captain speaking. I’m working from home today. Have a safe
flight!”

================================

About half way between London and Paris on Christmas Eve the pilot came on
the PA with an announcement:

“Ladies, Gentlemen and especially children: I’ve just seen Santa and his
reindeer pass by our aircraft and wave to me, if the children will look out
your windows now you might still get to see him.”

I'm not a child but I still looked.

================================

We were waiting to take off at around midnight from LAX to New Zealand—a
very long flight almost entirely over water with virtually no land in
between. We were delayed because of a “malfunction.” The pilot came on the
intercom and explained that he was waiting for a replacement part and that
it would be arriving shortly. Groans were audible throughout the full 747.
He then said: “Ladies and gentlemen, I share your disappointment. But we’re
going on a long flight, and I can assure you that I would rather be on the
ground wishing I were in the air, than in the air, wishing I were on the
ground.” After a moment of stillness, applause erupted.

================================

It actually came from a flight attendant about 15 years ago. "We have a
woman pilot and a woman co-pilot on this flight. You are flying in an
unmanned plane.

================================

Years ago, there was a very low cost airline called PSA (Pacific Southwest
Airlines). The other airlines hated the cheap competition. Once, I was on a
United Airlines flight. As we flew over the Sacramento area, the pilot
announced, “If you look to your right, you will see PSA passengers deplaning
from their flight.” Looking out the windows, we saw a group of skydivers
jumping out of their plane.

================================

{last one, but a good one.}

After an international flight of over twelve hours, everyone was eager to
disembark as soon as we landed. However, we had a long taxi to the terminal
and then a long wait for another plane to leave so we could taxi to the
assigned gate. In spite of the flight attendant’s announcement asking
everyone to stay seated until the captain gave the signal that we were
stopped, several passengers unlatched their seat belts and stood up to
retrieve baggage from the overhead bins.

At that point the captain’s voice came over the loudspeakers. “Ladies and
gentlemen, as you might imagine, after such a long flight with hundreds of
passengers, the lavatories are in terrible shape. If you would like to help
us out, please stand to indicate your willingness to help clean them.”

Everyone was seated immediately.

 

[Blinky]

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.
The barman looks at him and says,
"Hang on! You're a duck."
"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.
"And you can talk" !!
Exclaims the barman.
"I see your ears are working, too,"
Says the duck.
"Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"
"Certainly, sorry about that,"
Says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint.
"It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing around this way?"
"I'm working on the building site across the road," Explains the duck.
"I'm a plasterer."
The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it.
So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.
The same thing happens for two weeks.
Then one day the circus comes to town.
The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him
"You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!"
"Sounds marvellous," says the ringmaster, handing over his business card.
"Get him to give me a call."
So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says,
"Hey Mr Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money."
"I'm always looking for the next job,"
Says the duck.
"Where is it?"
"At the circus,"
Says the barman.
"The circus?"
Repeats the duck.
"That's right,"
Replies the barman.
"The circus?"
The duck asks again.
with the big tent?"
"Yeah," the barman replies.
"With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?" says the duck.
"Of course," the barman replies.
"And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck.
"That's right!" says the barman.
The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says
"What the hell would they want with a plasterer" ???

A mate of mine is an Irish plasterer. I’ll try this on him. He will either laugh or give me a smack.

 

[prozac]

Responses to “What is the coolest line a pilot has said to the passengers?”

I was on a crowded flight to Texas. A woman boarded with a very upset 3 year
old who was crying and carrying on. You could tell she was already at her
wits end. A flight attendant walked over and asked the baby’s name, which
turned out to be Elias. A few moments later, a voice came out from the
coughpit on the PA system.

“Elias? This is Santa.”

The little boy sat up, focused on the disembodied voice.

“Elias, I want you to be a good boy so I can bring you something really good
at Christmas, so no crying or fussing, ok?”

The little boy was wide-eyed as he nodded. He was quiet the whole flight.

===============================

The pilot had really banged the plane onto the runway and was dreading
having to stand at the door and thank the passengers as they exited. He was
certain someone would have a comment, but no one did. He started to relax
when everyone had gotten off except a little, old lady with a walker. But
when she finally made it up the aisle, she stopped and asked, “Did we land
or were we shot down?”

================================

As a plane was flying it started shaking very badly and soon the pilot got
on and announced I'm very sorry folks but we have just lost power to one of
our engines we are going to try and restart it please remain calm .. a
terrified man shouts out please tell us how far will one engine get us ?
Pilot pauses then answers the man, “All the way to the crash site. “

================================

I had a late-night Southwest flight to Rochester NY last week. It was the
terminus for a long flight that had stopped twice. The pilot thanked the
passengers and then said: “Now I want to tell you the same thing my father
told me on my 18th birthday. Get your stuff and get out!” and for the
children onboard, we are nearly there and will remain nearly there till we
get there!

================================

This is your captain speaking. I’m working from home today. Have a safe
flight!”

================================

About half way between London and Paris on Christmas Eve the pilot came on
the PA with an announcement:

“Ladies, Gentlemen and especially children: I’ve just seen Santa and his
reindeer pass by our aircraft and wave to me, if the children will look out
your windows now you might still get to see him.”

I'm not a child but I still looked.

================================

We were waiting to take off at around midnight from LAX to New Zealand—a
very long flight almost entirely over water with virtually no land in
between. We were delayed because of a “malfunction.” The pilot came on the
intercom and explained that he was waiting for a replacement part and that
it would be arriving shortly. Groans were audible throughout the full 747.
He then said: “Ladies and gentlemen, I share your disappointment. But we’re
going on a long flight, and I can assure you that I would rather be on the
ground wishing I were in the air, than in the air, wishing I were on the
ground.” After a moment of stillness, applause erupted.

================================

It actually came from a flight attendant about 15 years ago. "We have a
woman pilot and a woman co-pilot on this flight. You are flying in an
unmanned plane.

================================

Years ago, there was a very low cost airline called PSA (Pacific Southwest
Airlines). The other airlines hated the cheap competition. Once, I was on a
United Airlines flight. As we flew over the Sacramento area, the pilot
announced, “If you look to your right, you will see PSA passengers deplaning
from their flight.” Looking out the windows, we saw a group of skydivers
jumping out of their plane.

================================

{last one, but a good one.}

After an international flight of over twelve hours, everyone was eager to
disembark as soon as we landed. However, we had a long taxi to the terminal
and then a long wait for another plane to leave so we could taxi to the
assigned gate. In spite of the flight attendant’s announcement asking
everyone to stay seated until the captain gave the signal that we were
stopped, several passengers unlatched their seat belts and stood up to
retrieve baggage from the overhead bins.

At that point the captain’s voice came over the loudspeakers. “Ladies and
gentlemen, as you might imagine, after such a long flight with hundreds of
passengers, the lavatories are in terrible shape. If you would like to help
us out, please stand to indicate your willingness to help clean them.”

Everyone was seated immediately.

"This is your captain speaking. I'd just like to say there is no cause for alarm."

 

[cosi]

 

[Bundy Bear]

Australian humour

 

[p--and--t]

 

[Ansett]

Mrs Ansett isn't impressed lol

 

[Blinky]

Probably not a new one.

Did you know the people in Dubai don't like the Flintstones but the people in Abu Dhabi do.

 

[Captain Halliday]

Probably not a new one.

Did you know the people in Dubai don't like the Flintstones but the people in Abu Dhabi do.

AA old as the Flintstones themselves.