A bit of humour
- Thread starter Maca44
- Start date
anat0l
Enthusiast
- Joined
- Dec 30, 2006
- Posts
- 11,669
'Tis the Season
Some Olympic Humour
First, a word from our sponsor...
Rain. The Official weather supplier to the London 2012 Olympic Games
The US Late Night Commentators dishing it out...
"Naturally the U.S. trails in gold medals because every time we win one, we hand it over to the Chinese to pay off our debt." –Stephen Colbert
"So far China has won the most gold medals, ladies and gentlemen. The Chinese athletes can't wait to get home and show the medals off to the kids who made them." -Conan O'Brien
"Olympic organizers are reportedly struggling to fill rows and rows of empty seats. Empty seats! In fact, yesterday officials put out a casting call asking for 200 Europeans or eight Americans." -Conan O'Brien
"A dozen swimming events have already been completed in the Olympic competition. I wonder where they got the name 'Speedo.' It doesn't sound like a bathing suit, it sounds like a breakfast cereal for meth addicts." -Craig Ferguson
"The European countries are really hoping to do well in the Olympics. If they win gold medals, they can use them as cash." –David Letterman
"The opening ceremonies will feature the parade of athletes from 107 bankrupt nations." -David Letterman
"Olympics can inspire American kids to get active. Or it can inspire American kids to sit on the couch and watch the Olympics." –Conan O'Brien
"Even though the Olympics take place during Ramadan, some Muslim athletes said they will not fast during games. Then, after sampling the British food, they said, on second thought, fasting sounds good." –Conan O'Brien
"Mitt Romney will travel to London where he will attend the Olympics opening ceremony . Of course it's going to be weird when they're announcing all the countries, and he's like 'Got a bank account there, got one there, two bank accounts there." –Jimmy Fallon
"Well, President Obama and first lady Michelle went to see the U.S. Olympic basketball team play Brazil the other day. And during the game, they were put on the kiss cam. At first, they didn't kiss and the crowd booed them. Then the camera went back to them. And they finally did kiss. Isn't that amazing? A politician in Washington caught on camera kissing a woman he's actually married to?" –Jay Leno
"Well, Harry Reid and other members of congress, they're just furious over this Olympic uniform deal. He says we should burn the uniforms, and it's an embarrassment and a disgrace. Not as embarrassing as congress constantly borrowing money from the Chinese, but still embarrassing." –Jay Leno
"I guess you heard about this; the U.S. Olympic Committee is coming under fire after it was revealed that the uniforms for Team USA to be worn in the opening ceremony were made in China. Turns out they were made by some of the same kids who could beat us in gymnastics. That's the worst part." –Jay Leno
"Mitt Romney announced that he's going to the Olympics in London next month. No word yet on whether he will be rooting for Switzerland, Bermuda, Luxemburg or the Cayman Islands. I'm not quite sure." –Jay Leno
"Speaking of the Mitt Romney, there are reports that he may attend the London Olympics this summer. Romney’s psyched to watch wrestling – cuz it’s the only place where someone changes positions more than he does." –Jimmy Fallon
Even Sports Commentators aren't perfect...
Weightlifting commentator: "This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing."
Dressage commentator: "This is really a lovely horse and I speak from personal experience since I once mounted her mother."
Boxing Analyst: "Sure there have been injuries, and even some deaths in boxing, but none of them really that serious."
Softball announcer: "If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again."
Basketball analyst: "He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces."
At the rowing medal ceremony: "Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the IOC president is hugging the cox of the British crew."
Soccer commentator: "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field."
Tennis commentator: "One of the reasons Andy is playing so well is that, before the final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them . . . Oh my God, what have I just said?"
And One for the Married Couple...
A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms. Clearly impressed, he buys a pack. Upon getting home he announces to his wife the purchase he just made.
"Olympic condoms?" she asks, "What makes them so special?"
"There are three colors," he replies, "Gold, Silver and Bronze."
"What color are you going to wear tonight?" she asks cheekily.
"Gold of course," says the man proudly.
The wife responds, "Really, why don't you wear Silver, it would be nice if you came second for a change!"
Some Olympic Humour
First, a word from our sponsor...
Rain. The Official weather supplier to the London 2012 Olympic Games
The US Late Night Commentators dishing it out...
"Naturally the U.S. trails in gold medals because every time we win one, we hand it over to the Chinese to pay off our debt." –Stephen Colbert
"So far China has won the most gold medals, ladies and gentlemen. The Chinese athletes can't wait to get home and show the medals off to the kids who made them." -Conan O'Brien
"Olympic organizers are reportedly struggling to fill rows and rows of empty seats. Empty seats! In fact, yesterday officials put out a casting call asking for 200 Europeans or eight Americans." -Conan O'Brien
"A dozen swimming events have already been completed in the Olympic competition. I wonder where they got the name 'Speedo.' It doesn't sound like a bathing suit, it sounds like a breakfast cereal for meth addicts." -Craig Ferguson
"The European countries are really hoping to do well in the Olympics. If they win gold medals, they can use them as cash." –David Letterman
"The opening ceremonies will feature the parade of athletes from 107 bankrupt nations." -David Letterman
"Olympics can inspire American kids to get active. Or it can inspire American kids to sit on the couch and watch the Olympics." –Conan O'Brien
"Even though the Olympics take place during Ramadan, some Muslim athletes said they will not fast during games. Then, after sampling the British food, they said, on second thought, fasting sounds good." –Conan O'Brien
"Mitt Romney will travel to London where he will attend the Olympics opening ceremony . Of course it's going to be weird when they're announcing all the countries, and he's like 'Got a bank account there, got one there, two bank accounts there." –Jimmy Fallon
"Well, President Obama and first lady Michelle went to see the U.S. Olympic basketball team play Brazil the other day. And during the game, they were put on the kiss cam. At first, they didn't kiss and the crowd booed them. Then the camera went back to them. And they finally did kiss. Isn't that amazing? A politician in Washington caught on camera kissing a woman he's actually married to?" –Jay Leno
"Well, Harry Reid and other members of congress, they're just furious over this Olympic uniform deal. He says we should burn the uniforms, and it's an embarrassment and a disgrace. Not as embarrassing as congress constantly borrowing money from the Chinese, but still embarrassing." –Jay Leno
"I guess you heard about this; the U.S. Olympic Committee is coming under fire after it was revealed that the uniforms for Team USA to be worn in the opening ceremony were made in China. Turns out they were made by some of the same kids who could beat us in gymnastics. That's the worst part." –Jay Leno
"Mitt Romney announced that he's going to the Olympics in London next month. No word yet on whether he will be rooting for Switzerland, Bermuda, Luxemburg or the Cayman Islands. I'm not quite sure." –Jay Leno
"Speaking of the Mitt Romney, there are reports that he may attend the London Olympics this summer. Romney’s psyched to watch wrestling – cuz it’s the only place where someone changes positions more than he does." –Jimmy Fallon
Even Sports Commentators aren't perfect...
Weightlifting commentator: "This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing."
Dressage commentator: "This is really a lovely horse and I speak from personal experience since I once mounted her mother."
Boxing Analyst: "Sure there have been injuries, and even some deaths in boxing, but none of them really that serious."
Softball announcer: "If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again."
Basketball analyst: "He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces."
At the rowing medal ceremony: "Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the IOC president is hugging the cox of the British crew."
Soccer commentator: "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field."
Tennis commentator: "One of the reasons Andy is playing so well is that, before the final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them . . . Oh my God, what have I just said?"
And One for the Married Couple...
A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms. Clearly impressed, he buys a pack. Upon getting home he announces to his wife the purchase he just made.
"Olympic condoms?" she asks, "What makes them so special?"
"There are three colors," he replies, "Gold, Silver and Bronze."
"What color are you going to wear tonight?" she asks cheekily.
"Gold of course," says the man proudly.
The wife responds, "Really, why don't you wear Silver, it would be nice if you came second for a change!"
Flashback
Enthusiast
- Joined
- Oct 29, 2006
- Posts
- 13,048
Re: 'Tis the Season
My sister went to the doctor
The doctor he was drunk
Got a six-foot needle
And shoved it up her
Country girls are pretty
You find them in the grass
Start at their ankles and
Finish at their
Aunty Mary had a canary
She also had a duck
She took it behind the kitchen door
And taught it how to…
F..ry fish for dinner
Fry fish for tea
The more you eat
The more you drink
The more you want to…
Pe..ter had a boat
The boat began to rock
Along came Jaws
And bit off his…
cough…tail, Ginger Ale
40 Cents a glass
If you don’t like that
Then shove it up your…
As..k your mother for six pence
To see the big giraffe
With pimples on his eyebrows
And pimples on his…
As..k no questions
Tell no lies
I saw a Chinaman
Doing up his fly
Mosquitoes are worse
And that’s the end of this dirty little verse
My sister went to the doctor
The doctor he was drunk
Got a six-foot needle
And shoved it up her
Country girls are pretty
You find them in the grass
Start at their ankles and
Finish at their
Aunty Mary had a canary
She also had a duck
She took it behind the kitchen door
And taught it how to…
F..ry fish for dinner
Fry fish for tea
The more you eat
The more you drink
The more you want to…
Pe..ter had a boat
The boat began to rock
Along came Jaws
And bit off his…
cough…tail, Ginger Ale
40 Cents a glass
If you don’t like that
Then shove it up your…
As..k your mother for six pence
To see the big giraffe
With pimples on his eyebrows
And pimples on his…
As..k no questions
Tell no lies
I saw a Chinaman
Doing up his fly
Mosquitoes are worse
And that’s the end of this dirty little verse
Major
Established Member
- Joined
- Jan 21, 2011
- Posts
- 4,598
- Qantas
- Bronze
- Virgin
- Gold
Re: 'Tis the Season
I was visiting my son and daughter-in-law last night when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper. 'This is the 21st century, old man,' he said. 'We don't waste money on newspapers. Here, you can borrow my iPad.’
I can tell you, that bloody fly never knew what hit it.
I was visiting my son and daughter-in-law last night when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper. 'This is the 21st century, old man,' he said. 'We don't waste money on newspapers. Here, you can borrow my iPad.’
I can tell you, that bloody fly never knew what hit it.
anat0l
Enthusiast
- Joined
- Dec 30, 2006
- Posts
- 11,669
:mrgreen:
EXCLUSIVE OFFER - Offer expires: 20 Jan 2025
- Earn up to 200,000 bonus Velocity Points*
- Enjoy unlimited complimentary access to Priority Pass lounges worldwide
- Earn up to 3 Citi reward Points per dollar uncapped
*Terms And Conditions Apply
- Earn up to 200,000 bonus Velocity Points*
- Enjoy unlimited complimentary access to Priority Pass lounges worldwide
- Earn up to 3 Citi reward Points per dollar uncapped
*Terms And Conditions Apply
Major
Established Member
- Joined
- Jan 21, 2011
- Posts
- 4,598
- Qantas
- Bronze
- Virgin
- Gold
Management Lessons
Lesson 1 :
A priest offered a Nun a lift.
She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.
The priest nearly had an accident.
After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg...
The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up
her leg again. The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'
Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It
said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'
Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great
opportunity.
Lesson 1 :
A priest offered a Nun a lift.
She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.
The priest nearly had an accident.
After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg...
The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up
her leg again. The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'
Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It
said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'
Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great
opportunity.
Major
Established Member
- Joined
- Jan 21, 2011
- Posts
- 4,598
- Qantas
- Bronze
- Virgin
- Gold
Re: Management Lessons
Lesson 2 :
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch
when they find an antique oil lamp.
They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you
just one wish.'
'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk.. 'I want to be in the Bahamas ,
driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.' Poof! She's gone.
'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing
on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas,
and the love of my life.'
Poof! He's gone.
'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, 'I want
those two back in the office after lunch.'
Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.
Lesson 2 :
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch
when they find an antique oil lamp.
They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you
just one wish.'
'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk.. 'I want to be in the Bahamas ,
driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.' Poof! She's gone.
'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing
on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas,
and the love of my life.'
Poof! He's gone.
'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, 'I want
those two back in the office after lunch.'
Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.
D
Deleted member
Guest
Major
Established Member
- Joined
- Jan 21, 2011
- Posts
- 4,598
- Qantas
- Bronze
- Virgin
- Gold
Re: Management Lessons
Lesson 3
An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.
A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do
nothing?' The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested.
All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.
Lesson 3
An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.
A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do
nothing?' The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested.
All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.
Major
Established Member
- Joined
- Jan 21, 2011
- Posts
- 4,598
- Qantas
- Bronze
- Virgin
- Gold
Re: Management Lessons
Lesson 4
A turkey was chatting with a bull. 'I would love to be able to get to the
top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.'
'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?'
replied the bull. It's full of nutrients.'
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough
strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch..
Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of
the tree.
He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.
Moral of the story:
Bull **** might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there...
Lesson 4
A turkey was chatting with a bull. 'I would love to be able to get to the
top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.'
'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?'
replied the bull. It's full of nutrients.'
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough
strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch..
Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of
the tree.
He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.
Moral of the story:
Bull **** might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there...
Major
Established Member
- Joined
- Jan 21, 2011
- Posts
- 4,598
- Qantas
- Bronze
- Virgin
- Gold
Re: Management Lessons
Lesson 5
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze
and fell to the ground into a large field.
While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.
As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize
how warm he was.
The dung was actually thawing him out!
He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing
cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.
Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung,
and promptly dug him out and ate him.
Moral of the story:
(1) Not everyone who ****s on you is your enemy.
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of **** is your friend.
(3) And when you're in deep ****, it's best to keep your mouth shut!
Lesson 5
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze
and fell to the ground into a large field.
While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.
As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize
how warm he was.
The dung was actually thawing him out!
He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing
cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.
Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung,
and promptly dug him out and ate him.
Moral of the story:
(1) Not everyone who ****s on you is your enemy.
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of **** is your friend.
(3) And when you're in deep ****, it's best to keep your mouth shut!
- Joined
- Jun 20, 2002
- Posts
- 17,683
- Qantas
- Gold
- Virgin
- Platinum
After reading Larry Pickerings' FB commentary every day, this is very apt:
amaroo
Enthusiast
- Joined
- Sep 22, 2011
- Posts
- 12,359
- Qantas
- Platinum 1
CharlieDog
Junior Member
- Joined
- Aug 9, 2012
- Posts
- 13
You know the joke about how you like your coffee?
Friend "How do you take your coffee?"
Me "I like my coffee the way I like my women...ground up and in the freezer"
What actually happened this lunchtime
Friend "How do you take your coffee?"
Me "I like my coffee the way I like my women...gr-
Friend "-BLACK?" :shock:
Oh man, I really laughed.
Not racist btw, thought this was just funny.
Friend "How do you take your coffee?"
Me "I like my coffee the way I like my women...ground up and in the freezer"
What actually happened this lunchtime
Friend "How do you take your coffee?"
Me "I like my coffee the way I like my women...gr-
Friend "-BLACK?" :shock:
Oh man, I really laughed.
Not racist btw, thought this was just funny.
Major
Established Member
- Joined
- Jan 21, 2011
- Posts
- 4,598
- Qantas
- Bronze
- Virgin
- Gold
One night at Cheers, Cliff Clavin explained the" Buffalo Theory" to his buddy Norm:
"Well, ya see, Norm, it's like this.. A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members! ; In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine! That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers.
[TABLE="width: 400"]
[TR]
[TD][/TD]
[/TR]
[/TABLE]
"Well, ya see, Norm, it's like this.. A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members! ; In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine! That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers.
[TABLE="width: 400"]
[TR]
[TD][/TD]
[/TR]
[/TABLE]
markis10
Veteran Member
- Joined
- Nov 25, 2004
- Posts
- 30,704
- Qantas
- LT Gold
New.com is pointing out a few of the competitors in the Olympics have interesting names:
http://www.news.com.au/sport/london...e-olympics-games/story-fndpu6dv-1226446676416
- Chinese trampolinist Dong Dong
- Japanese volleyballer Yoshie Take****a
- Bahraini long-distance runner Ali Hasan Mahboob
- Bulgarian hurdler Vania Stamblova.
- South Korean pole vaulter, Kim-Yoo Suk
- US Equestrian Participant - Rich Fellers
http://www.news.com.au/sport/london...e-olympics-games/story-fndpu6dv-1226446676416
whatmeworry
Established Member
- Joined
- Jan 22, 2007
- Posts
- 4,623
The Geelong Grammar Girl is in the news again and the memes have started!
Major
Established Member
- Joined
- Jan 21, 2011
- Posts
- 4,598
- Qantas
- Bronze
- Virgin
- Gold
A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she ran outside and grabbed a handy plank of wood and smacked him with it, breaking his arm in two places.
Up to that moment, he had been happily listening to his iPod
Up to that moment, he had been happily listening to his iPod
Become an AFF member!
Join Australian Frequent Flyer (AFF) for free and unlock insider tips, exclusive deals, and global meetups with 65,000+ frequent flyers.AFF members can also access our Frequent Flyer Training courses, and upgrade to Fast-track your way to expert traveller status and unlock even more exclusive discounts!
AFF forum abbreviations
Wondering about Y, J or any of the other abbreviations used on our forum?Check out our guide to common AFF acronyms & abbreviations.
