A bit of humour

[Foreigner]

A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she ran outside and grabbed a handy plank of wood and smacked him with it, breaking his arm in two places.

Up to that moment, he had been happily listening to his iPod

They must have been living separate lives under the same roof!

 

[QF WP]

The Best Divorce Letter, ever !


My Dear husband:

I'm writing this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you.


I've been a good wife to you for the last 20 years & I have nothing to show for it, and the last 2 weeks have been hell.
Your boss called to tell me that you left your job today which was the last straw.
Last week, you came home & you didn't even notice I had a new hairstyle, had cooked your favorite meal & even wore a brand new nightie.
You ate in 2 minutes, & went straight to sleep after watching your TV soaps.
You don't tell me you love me anymore; you don't want sex or anything that connects us as husband & wife.
Either you're cheating on me or you don't love me anymore; whatever the case, I'm gone.
Your EX-Wife.

P.S. Don't try to find me. Your BROTHER & I are moving to New Zealand together! Have a great life!


REPLY: Dear Ex-wife,
Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter.
It's true you & I have been married for 20 years, although a good woman is a far cry from what you've been.
I watch TV soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining & coughing. Too bad that doesn't work any more.

I DID notice when you got a hair do last week, but the 1st thing that came to mind was 'You look just like a boy!' Since my father raised me not to say anything, if you can't say something nice, I didn't comment......
and when you cooked my favourite meal, you must have got me confused with MY BROTHER because I haven't eaten prawns for 10 years.
About the new nightie: I turned away from you because the $299.99 price tag was still on it & I prayed it was a coincidence that my brother had just borrowed $300 from me that morning.

After all of this, I still loved you & felt we could work it out.

So when I won the $20 million Lotto, on Saturday, I left my job & bought 2 tickets for us to Paris, but when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason, I guess.

I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted.

My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won't get a dollar from me.

So take care.

Signed,
Your Ex-Husband, Rich As Hell & Free!

P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this, but my "brother" Carl was born Carla. I sure hope that's not a problem.

 

[Foreigner]

no attachments

 

[Foreigner]

It's who you know!

 

[QF WP]

London Olympic jokes:

 

[Foreigner]

Madame de Gaulle was said to have been lunching with the American ambassador at the time of her husband's retirement when she was asked what she was most looking forward to in the years ahead.
She thought for a moment before announcing boldly: "A cough". A startled hush fell over the table until the former president leant over and said: "My dear, I think it's pronounced 'happiness'."

 

[Bundy Bear]

I wonder how the Martians feel about earthlings landing on their planet.

 

[Foreigner]

The way it is...

 

[Major]

Murphy, a furniture dealer from Dublin, decided to expand the line of furniture in his store, so he decided to go to Paris to see what he could find.

After arriving in Paris, he visited with some manufacturers and selected a line that he thought would sell well back home. To celebrate the new acquisition, he decided to visit a small bistro and have a glass of wine.

As he sat enjoying his wine, he noticed that the small place was quite crowded, and that the other chair at his table was the only vacant seat in the house.

Before long, a very beautiful young Parisian girl came to his table, asked him something in French (which Murphy could not understand), so he motioned to the vacant chair and invited her to sit down.

He tried to speak to her in English, but she did not speak his language. After a couple of minutes of trying to communicate with her, he took a napkin and drew a picture of a wine glass and showed it to her. She nodded, so he ordered a glass of wine for her.

After sitting together at the table for a while, he took another napkin, and drew a picture of a plate with food on it, and she nodded. They left the bistro and found a quiet cafe that featured a small group playing romantic music.

They ordered dinner, after which he took another napkin and drew a picture of a couple dancing. She nodded, and they got up to dance. They danced until the cafe closed and the band was packing up.

Back at their table, the young lady took a napkin and drew a picture of a four-poster bed. To this day, Murphy has no idea how she figured out he was in the furniture business.

 

[codash1099]

Way back in history:

http://www.australianfrequentflyer.com.au/community/playground/a-bit-of-humour-6330.html#post106143

(I'm very defensive when it come to my jokes!)

 

[Foreigner]

DSK classic

 

[drron]

 

[SeatBackForward]

Everytime I try opening a door the wrong way "MIDVALE" pops into my head, its because of the above Gary Larson cartoon..

 

[straitman]

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SENIORS LEAVING AUSTRALIA

News Flash from the offshore Broome , Western Australia



The Australian Navy intercepted three boatloads of people off the north west coast of Australia today.

This placed the Navy in an awkward position, as the boats were not heading to, but away from Australia towards Christmas Island .

Another surprise finding was that they were loaded with Australians who were all seniors of pension age.

Their claim was that they were trying to get to Christmas Island so as to be able to return to Australia as illegal immigrants and therefore be entitled to far more benefits than they were receiving as legitimate Australian pensioners.

The Navy, it is believed, gave them food, water and fuel and assisted them on their journey. We are booking the next boat out, let me know if you want to come



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[NM]

A striking resemblance:

 

[Foreigner]

Remarkable similarities

 

[NM]

Remarkable similarities

Yep, except the first is unlikely to have encountered the same criminal charges as the second in Sweeden

 

[Foreigner]

Yep, except the first is unlikely to have encountered the same criminal charges as the second in Sweeden

The Swedish girls (flickor) would've felt absolutely safe with the first, with or without rubber!

 

[Foreigner]

..............................

 

[Major]

A guy was telling his friend, you won't believe what happened last night...



My daughter walked into the living room and said "Dad, cancel my allowance
immediately,

forget the college tuition, rent my room out, throw all my clothes out the
window; take my TV, and my laptop.



Please take any of my jewelry to the Salvation Army or Cash Converters.



Then sell my car, take my front door key away from me and throw me out of
the house.



Then disown me and never talk to me again.



And don't forget to write me out of your will and leave my share to any
one that wants it."


"Wow", replied the friend, "she actually said that?"



Well, she didn't put it quite like that, she actually said...



"Dad, meet my new boyfriend, Mohammed. We're going to work together on

Prime Minister Gillard's reelection campaign."