A bit of humour

Invitation​
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We are hosting a charity concert ​
for people who struggle to reach cough.​
​
If you can't come, let us know.​
 
BBC News - Stewart Francis's Posh and Becks joke Fringe 'funniest'

Comedian Stewart Francis has won an award for the funniest joke of the Edinburgh Fringe.

The deadpan Canadian funnyman was given the prize by digital TV channel Dave, whose panel put a selection of their favourites to a public vote.

The top jokes were:

1. Stewart Francis - "You know who really gives kids a bad name? Posh and Becks."

2. Tim Vine - "Last night me and my girlfriend watched three DVDs back to back. Luckily I was the one facing the telly. "

3. Will Marsh - "I was raised as an only child, which really annoyed my sister."

4. Rob Beckett - "You know you're working class when your TV is bigger than your book case."

5. Chris Turner - "I'm good friends with 25 letters of the alphabet… I don't know Y."

6. Tim Vine - "I took part in the sun tanning Olympics - I just got Bronze."

7. George Ryegold - "coughography is often frowned upon, but that's only because I'm concentrating."

8. Stewart Francis - "I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together. Riveting!"

9. Lou Sanders - "I waited an hour for my starter so I complained: 'It's not rocket salad."

10. Nish Kumar - "My mum's so pessimistic, that if there was an Olympics for pessimism… she wouldn't fancy her chances."
 
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A couple were celebrating 50 years together.

Their three kids, all very successful, agreed to a Sunday dinner in their honor in the family home in Melbourne..

"Happy Anniversary Mum and Dad," gushed son number one .... 'Sorry I'm running late. I had an emergency at the hospital with a patient, you know how it is, and I didn't have time to get you a gift."

"Not to worry," said the father. "The important thing is that we're all together today."

Son number two arrived and announced, "You and Mum look great, Dad. I just flew in from Perth between depositions and didn't have time to shop for you.

"It's nothing," said the father. "We're glad you were able to come."

Just then the daughter arrived. "Hello and happy anniversary! I'm sorry, but my boss is sending me out of town and I was really busy packing so I didn't have time to get you anything."

After they had finished dessert, the father said, "There's something your Mother and I have wanted to tell you for a long time. You see, we were very poor. Despite this, we were able to send each of you to college. Throughout the years your Mother and I knew that we loved each other very much, but we just never found the time to get married.

The three children gasped and all said, "You mean we're coughs?"

"Yep," said the father. "And cheap ones, too."
 
flychrisfly said:
in Japan 'Qantas' is pronounced kun-tahs... I nearly wet myself when I heard the announcements in the terminal.
Click to expand...

It's actually a bit more subtle than that. The rude word you refer to pronounces the first syllable to rhyme with un as in under (no puns intended!)

The correct way to say the first syllable of 'Qantas' in Japanese is to rhyme with the sound you make when the doctor tells you to open wide.

It's a subtle difference; then again, perhaps I'm biased because I learned Japanese in high school, so I can't make the equivalence between Ms Bickmore's gaffe and a Japanese person trying to say the airline's name.
 
markis10, you are correct on your presumption.

anat0l is also most correct with his extensive discussion about the pronunciation of Qantas, ala Japanese style. Genki des ka anat0l??
 
An attractive blonde from Cork, Ireland arrived at the casino.
She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty-thousand Euros on a single Roll of the dice.
She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude."
With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, 'Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes !'
As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed. 'YES ! YES ! I WON , I WON !'
She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.
The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.
Finally, one of them asked, 'What did she roll?'
The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching."
MORAL OF THE STORY - Not all Irish are drunks, not all blondes are dumb,
But

All men..ahh ....well.....are men!!
 
After returning from his honeymoon in Florida with his new bride Virginia, Luigi stopped by his old barbershop in Jersey to say hello to his friends.

Giovanni said, "Hey Luigi, how wasa da treep ?"

Luigi said, "Everyting wasa perfecto except for da train ride down."

"Whata you mean, Luigi ?" asked Giovanni.

"Well, we boarda da train at Grana Central Station. My beautiful Virginia, she pack a biga basked a food. She brough at da vino, some nice cigars for me and we were lookina forward to da trip, and open upa da luncha basket. The conductore come aby, waga his finger at us anda say, 'no eat indisa car. Musta use a dining car.'

So, me and my beautiful Virginia, we go to da dining car, eat abiga lunch and starta at open da bottle of a nice a vino ! Conductore walka by again, waga his finger and say, 'No drinka in disa car! Musta use a cluba car'.

So, we go to cluba car. While a dinkina da vino, I starta to lighta by biga cigar.

The conductore, he waga is finger again and say,'No a smokina disa car. Musta go to a smokina car...'

We go to a smokina car and I smoke a by biga cigar.

Then my beautiful Virginia and I, we go to a sleeper car anda go to bed. We just about to go boombada boombada and the conductore, he walka through da hallway shouting at a top of his a voice, 'Nofolka Virginia ! Nofolka Virginia !'

Nexta time, I'ma just gonna taka da dam bus".
 
WHAT CONFUCIUS DIDN'T SAY...

Man who wants pretty nurse, must be patient.

Passionate kiss, like spider web, leads to undoing of fly.

Squirrel who runs up woman’s' leg will not find nuts.

Man who leaps off cliff jumps to conclusion.

Man who runs in front of car gets tired,
man who runs behind car gets exhausted.

Man who eats many prunes get good run for money.

War does not determine who is right, it determines who is left.

It takes many nails to build a crib, but one screw to fill it.

Man who drives like hell is bound to get there.

Man who stands on toilet is high on pot.

Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.

Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.

Finally CONFUCIUS DID SAY. . ..

"A lion will not cheat on his wife, but a Tiger Wood!"
 
Yossel Zelkovitz worked in a Polish pickle factory. For many years he had a powerful desire to put his cough in the pickle slicer. Unable to stand it any longer, he sought professional help from the factory psychologist.

After six months, the therapist gave up. He advised Yossel to go ahead and do it or he would probably never have any peace of mind.
The next day he came home from work very early.
His wife, Sacha, became alarmed and wanted to know what had happened.
Yossel tearfully confessed his tormenting desire to put his cough in the pickle slicer.

He went on to explain that today he finally went ahead and did it, and he was immediately fired. Sacha gasped and ran over to her husband.
She quickly yanked down his pants and shorts only to find a normal, completely intact cough.

She looked up and said, "I don't understand. What about the pickle slicer?"
Yossel replied, "I think she got fired, too."
 

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