A bit of humour

[anat0l]

This one comes courtesy of a Facebook share online by Princess Fiona:

 

[anat0l]

And this one comes courtesy of a Facebook share by Skyring. The caption given was, "I love when my husband makes dinner!"

 

[Foreigner]

Just at the moment when the dentist was leaning over towards his patient to take care of her teeth, he was startled.

"Excuse me, Miss, those are my testicl_s that you are holding."

"I know," answered the patient. "We two should be very careful not to hurt each other,.....Agree?"

 

[Foreigner]

Three nuns in church on a hot day decide to remove their robes because of the heat. Not an unusual habit on a hot day. So about a half hour later, the door bell rings while their robes are slumped over pews clear across the huge chapel.

They ask who it is. "The blind man," a voice replies.

The three nuns decide to simply open the door because the man is blind. He walks in, looks at the nuns and says, "Nice cough! Where do you want me to install these blinds?"

 

[Hvr]

Three nuns in church on a hot day decide to remove their robes because of the heat. Not an unusual habit on a hot day. So about a half hour later, the door bell rings while their robes are slumped over pews clear across the huge chapel.

They ask who it is. "The blind man," a voice replies.

The three nuns decide to simply open the door because the man is blind. He walks in, looks at the nuns and says, "Nice cough! Where do you want me to install these blinds?"

I reckon it would be curtains for him if he told the priest. :mrgreen:

 

[Foreigner]

During my physical examination today, my doctor asked me about my physical activity level.

I described a typical day this way: "Well, yesterday afternoon, I took a five hour walk about 4 miles through some pretty rough terrain. I waded along the edge of a lake. I pushed my way through brambles. I got sand in my shoes, eyes and hair. Avoided standing on a snake. I climbed several rocky hills. I took a few leaks behind some big trees. The mental stress of it all left me shattered. At the end of it all I drank eight beers.

Inspired by the story, the doctor said, "You must be one hell of an outdoors man!"

"No," I replied, "I'm just a sh*tty golfer".

 

[Foreigner]

A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the alligator up on the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons.

"I'll make you a deal. I will open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. He will then open his mouth and I will remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink.".

The crowd murmured their approval.

The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the alligator's open mouth. The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of its head. The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised.

The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks was delivered.

The man stood up again and made another offer. "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try". A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar.
A woman timidly spoke up. "I'll try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle"....

 

[drron]

A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and​

his badly behaved 3 year-old grandson. It’s obvious to​

her that he has his hands full with the child screamingfor sweets in the sweet aisle, chocolate brownies in the chocolate brownie aisle, and for fruit, cereal and pop in the other aisles.Meanwhile, Granddad is working his way around, saying in a controlled voice, “Easy, William, we won’t be long,easy, boy.” Another outburst, and she hears the granddad calmly say, “It’s okay, William, just a couple of more minutes and we’ll be out of here. Hang in there, boy.”At the checkout, the little terror is throwing items out ofthe trolley, and Granddad says again in a controlled voice,“William, William, relax buddy, don’t get upset. We’ll be​

home in five minutes; stay cool, William.​

Very impressed, the woman goes outside where the​

grandfather is loading his groceries and the boy into the car. She said to the elderly gentleman, “It’s none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don’t know how you did it. That whole time, you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be okay.William is very lucky to have you as his grandpa.”​

“Thanks,” said the grandfather, “but I’m William .......the
little horror's name is Kevin.

 

[codash1099]

Then there was the guy who loved nothing better than to sit at nearby bar for long evenings and get stoned with his cronies.

But his wife was a social climber, and was prone to having her "ladies" in for bridge etc.

This one night she didn't want him to be around embarrassing her, so she told him to stay out as late as he wished, just don't come in and make another scene.

Well, he came in the back door a little early, as she was preparing tea and some delicate little sandwiches, and was infuriated at his early return home.

"You keep your mouth shut, and go upstairs to bed" she told him.

"Oh, relax,"says he, "I'll just take a cup of coffee, say good evening to the ladies, and I'll be gone."

"Just keep your mouth shut," says she again.

Well, when she finally went back into the living room, all the ladies were gone, and he sat there alone.

She 'flipped' and told him she was going to divorce him and take everything he had, but he said,"wait a minute, you have to hear my side of the story."

"I came in here , sat down, and said good evening to the ladies, and they carried on.

One lady said she was having trouble with mice in her house, and another lady suggested she stuff their holes with steel wool, and all I said was, who is going to hold their little legs while you do it?

 

[Dyslexic traveler]

Never travel with kids

Why you should never travel with kids

http://i198.photobucket.com/albums/aa289/aggiekj/Funnies/kid-on-plane-732350.jpg

 

[Major]

-----The French President is sitting in his office when his telephone rings.


'Hallo, Mr. Sarkozy!' a heavily accented voice said. 'This is Paddy down
at the Harp Pub in County Clare , Ireland . I am ringing to inform
you that we are officially declaring war on you! We voted to reject the
Lisbon treaty!'
'Well Paddy, Sarkozy replied. How big is your army?'


'Right now,' says Paddy, after a moment's calculation, 'there is myself,
me Cousin Sean, me next door neighbour Seamus, and the entire darts team
from the pub. That makes eleven!'

Sarkozy paused. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100,000 men in my
army waiting to move on my command.'

'Begorra!' says Paddy. 'I'll have to ring you back.'

Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again. 'Mr. Sarkozy, the war is
still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!'

'And what equipment would that be Paddy?' Sarkozy asks.

'Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor.'

Sarkozy sighs amused. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and
5,000 armoured personnel carriers. Also, I have increased my army to
150,000 since we last spoke.'


'Saints preserve us!' says Paddy. 'I'll have to get back to you.'


Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day. 'Mr. Sarkozy, the war is
still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We have modified Jackie
McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the coughpit, and four
boys from the Shamrock Bar have joined us as well!'


Sarkozy was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. 'I must tell
you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military
bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And
since we last spoke, I have increased my army to 200, 000!'


'Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!' says Paddy, 'I will have to ring you back.'


Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day. 'Top o' the mornin', Mr.
Sarkozy! I am sorry to inform you that we have had to call off the war.'


'Really? I am sorry to hear that,' says Sarkozy. 'Why the sudden change of
heart?'


'Well,' says Paddy, 'we had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness and
packets of crisps, and we decided there is no cough**n' way we can feed
200,000 prisoners.'

 

[alieninperth]

That is one of my favourite jokes.

 

[Foreigner]

Doc, I can't stop singing the 'Green Green Grass of Home'. He said: 'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome'. 'Is it common?'I asked. 'It's not unusual' he replied.

 

[Flashback]

Doc, I can't stop singing the 'Green Green Grass of Home'. He said: 'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome'. 'Is it common?'I asked. 'It's not unusual' he replied.

*groan*

 

[whatmeworry]

This gave me a chuckle.

 

[Flashback]

This gave me a chuckle: Qantas and Emirates partnership

 

[Foreigner]

[TABLE="class: tborder, width: 100%, align: center"]
[TR]
[TD="class: alt1, bgcolor: #F5F5FF"]A woman goes to her boyfriend’s parents’ house for dinner. This is to be her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous. They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal.

The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole. The gas pains are almost making her eyes water.

Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty little fart.

It wasn’t loud, but everyone at the table heard the poot. Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend’s father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing at the women’s feet, and said in a rather stern voice, “Ginger!” The woman thought, “This is great!”
And a big smile came across her face. A couple minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again. This time, she didn’t even hesitate.

She let a much louder and longer fart rip. The father again looked at the dog and yelled, “Dammit Ginger!” Once again the woman smiled and thought, “Yes!” A few minutes later the woman had to let another one rip.

This time she didn’t even think about it.
She let rip with a fart that rivaled a train whistle blowing. Again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled, “Dammit ginger, get away from her before she sh*ts on you!"[/TD]
[/TR]
[/TABLE]

 

[Foreigner]

Way back in the time of the samurai, there was a powerful emperor. This emperor needed a new head samurai. So, he sent out a message to everybody he knew for them to send a message to who they knew, and so forth.
A year passes, and only three people show up: a Japanese samurai, a Chinese samurai, and a Jewish samurai. The emperor asks the Japanese samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be head samurai. The Japanese samurai opens up a matchbox, and out pops a little fly. WHOOOOOSH. The fly drops dead on the ground in 2 pieces! The emperor says, "That is very impressive!"
Then the emperor asks the Chinese samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be head samurai. The Chinese samurai opens up a matchbox and out pops a little fly. WHOOOOOOSH. WOOOOOOOSH. The fly drops dead on the ground in 4 pieces! The emperor says, "That is really impressive!"
Then the emperor asks the Jewish samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be head samurai. The Jewish samurai thinks, "If it works for the other two..." So the Jewish samurai walks in, opens a matchbox, and out pops a little fly. WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOSSSSHHHH. A gust of wind fills the room, but the fly is still buzzing around. The emperor says in disappointment, "Why is the fly not dead?"
And the Jewish samurai replies, "If you look closely, you'll see that the fly has been circumcised."

 

[Foreigner]

The city miser was on his death bed, as his last request he asked to be alone with his lawyer, doctor, and priest.

"I know I am going to die" he said "and I would like to take my money with me, so I am going to give each of you $150,000 and I want you to each make sure the money gets in the coffin."

It was a few days after the funeral when the priest over flowing with guilt finally confided to the other two that he only put $100,000 back. “I’m glad you brought it up” said the doctor, “because I have also been feeling guilty, I only put $80,000 back.” “You people should be ashamed of yourselves” stormed the lawyer “stealing money like that, am I the only honest person here? Here look at this” he said pulling out his check book, “look I wrote out a check for the full $150,000!”

 

[QF WP]

Foreigner, thank you for the laughter this morning as I walk my dog. I had tears streaming down my face