A bit of humour

[Major]

A Man's Age -- as Determined by a Trip to Bunnings
You are in the middle of some kind of project around the house --.
Mowing the lawn, putting in a new fence, painting the living room or whatever.
You are hot and sweaty, covered in dust, lawn clippings, dirt or paint.
You have your old work clothes on.
You know the outfit -- shorts with the hole in the crotch, old T-shirt with a stain from
who-knows-what and an old pair of tennis shoes.

Right in the middle of this great home improvement project you realize you
need to run to Bunnings to get something to help complete the job.

Depending on your age you might do the following:

In your 20's:
Stop what you are doing. Shave, take a shower, blow dry your hair, brush your teeth, floss and put on clean clothes.
Check yourself in the mirror and flex.
Add a dab of your favourite cologne because you never know, you just might meet some hot chick while standing in the checkout lane. And you went to school with the pretty girl running the register.

In your 30's:
Stop what you are doing, put on clean shorts and shirt. Change shoes.
You married the hot chick so no need for much else. Wash your hands and comb your hair.
Check yourself in the mirror. Still got it. Add a shot of your favourite cologne to cover the smell.
The cute girl running the register is the kid sister to someone you went to school with.

In your 40's:
Stop what you are doing. Put on a sweatshirt that is long enough to cover the hole in the crotch of your shorts.
Put on different shoes and a hat. Wash your hands.
Your bottle of Brute Cologne is almost empty so you don't want to waste any of it on a trip to Bunnings
Check yourself in the mirror and do more sucking in than flexing.
The hot young thing running the register is your daughter's age and you feel weird thinking she is spicy.

In your 50's:
Stop what you are doing. Put on a hat; wipe the dirt off your hands onto your shirt.
Change shoes because you don't want to get dog cough in your new sports car.
Check yourself in the mirror and you swear not to wear that shirt anymore because it makes you look fat.
The Cutie running the register smiles when she sees you coming and you think you still have it.
Then you remember the hat you have on is from Gold Coast's Bait & Beer Bar and it says, 'I Got Worms.'

In your 60's:
Stop what you are doing. No need for a hat anymore.
Hose the dog cough off your shoes. The mirror was shattered when you were in your 50's.
You hope you have underwear on so nothing hangs out the hole in your pants.
The girl running the register may be cute, but you don't have your glasses on so you are not sure.

In your 70's:
Stop what you are doing. Wait to go to Bunnings until the Chemist has your prescriptions ready, too.
Don't even notice the dog cough on your shoes.
The young thing at the register stares at you and you realize your balls are hanging out the hole in your crotch.

In your 80's:
Stop what you are doing. Start again. Then stop again.
Now you remember you need to go to Bunnings. Go to K-Mart instead and wander around trying to think what it is you are looking for.
Fart out loud and you think someone called out your name.
You went to school with the old lady who greeted you at the front door.

In your 90's & beyond:
What's a bundings ? Something for my garden?
Where am I? Who am I? Why am I reading this?
Did I send it? Did you? Who farted?

 

[alieninperth]

A teenage boy is getting ready to take his girlfriend to the prom. First he goes to rent a tux, but there's a long tux line at the shop and it takes forever.

Next, he has to get some flowers, so he heads over to the florist and there's a huge flower line there. He waits forever but eventually gets the flowers.

Then he heads out to rent a limo. Unfortunately, there's a large limo line at the rental office, but he's patient and gets the job done.

Finally, the day of the prom comes. The two are dancing happily and his girlfriend is having a great time. When the song is over, she asks him to get her some punch, so he heads over to the punch table and there's no punchline.

 

[Flashback]

A teenage boy is getting ready to take his girlfriend to the prom. First he goes to rent a tux, but there's a long tux line at the shop and it takes forever.

Next, he has to get some flowers, so he heads over to the florist and there's a huge flower line there. He waits forever but eventually gets the flowers.

Then he heads out to rent a limo. Unfortunately, there's a large limo line at the rental office, but he's patient and gets the job done.

Finally, the day of the prom comes. The two are dancing happily and his girlfriend is having a great time. When the song is over, she asks him to get her some punch, so he heads over to the punch table and there's no punchline.

Badoom tsssh.

 

[codash1099]

A professor of mathematics noticed that his kitchen sink at his home leaked. He called a plumber. The plumber came the next day and sealed a few screws, and everything was working as before.

The professor was delighted. However, when the plumber gave him the bill a minute later, he was shocked.

"This is one-third of my monthly salary!" he yelled.

Well, all the same he paid it and then the plumber said to him, "I understand your position as a professor. Why don't you come to our company and apply for a plumber position? You will earn three times as much as a professor. But remember, when you apply, tell them that you completed only seven elementary classes. They don't like educated people."

So it happened. The professor got a job as a plumber and his life significantly improved. He just had to seal a screw or two occasionally, and his salary went up significantly.

One day, the board of the plumbing company decided that every plumber had to go to evening classes to complete the eighth grade. So, our professor had to go there too. It just happened that the first class was math. The evening teacher, to check students' knowledge, asked for a formula for the area of a circle. The person asked was the professor. He jumped to the board, and then he realized that he had forgotten the formula. He started to reason it, and he filled the white board with integrals, differentials, and other advanced formulas to conclude the result he forgot. As a result, he got "minus pi times r square."

He didn't like the minus, so he started all over again. He got the minus again. No matter how many times he tried, he always got a minus. He was frustrated. He gave the class a frightened look and saw all the plumbers whisper: "Switch the limits of the integral!!"

 

[codash1099]

The new supermarket near my house has an automatic water mister to keep the
produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant
thunder and the smell of fresh rain.

When you approach the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and witness the scent
of fresh hay.

When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle and the air
is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.

The veggie department features the smell of fresh buttered corn.

I don't buy toilet paper there anymore.

 

[serfty]

-------------------------
Golf Story
-------------------------

A guy receives an ad in the mail for a golf resort where everything costs
one dollar. He jumps at the offer and heads off for a weekend of fun in
the sun.

He arrives and plays a round of golf. It cost him a buck. When he goes for
dinner that evening, it costs him another buck. His room is only a buck a
day!

The day before he's to check out, he heads out to play a last round and
stops by the pro shop and charges a sleeve of three balls to his room.

When he's checking out next morning, he looks at the bill and sees:

Golf: $1.00
Dinner: $1.00
Room: $1.00.
Sleeve of golf balls: $3,000.00

He asks the Manager, "What is this all about? Everything is supposed to
cost one dollar, and you charged me three thousand for three golf balls?"

"I'm sorry, sir, said the manager, but you didn't read the fine print in
our promotional brochure. That's what our golf balls cost."

"Well, said the man, If I wanted to spend that kind of money, I could've
gone to that luxury hotel across the street and paid them a thousand
dollars a day for a room with all food, drink and golf included.

At least I would've known what I was paying for!"

"That's right, sir, you could have, said the manager. Over there they get
you by the room. Over here we get you by the balls!"

 

[Ikara]

The Lone Ranger's Last Request



The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy IndianWar Party.
The Indian Chief proclaims,
"So, YOU are the great Lone Ranger"...
"In honor of the Harvest Festival,
YOU will be executed in three days."
"Before I kill you, I grant you three requests"
"What is your FIRST request?'
The Lone Ranger responds,
"I'd like to speak to my horse."
The Chief nods and Silver is brought
before the Lone Ranger who whispers in Silver's ear, and thehorse gallops away.
Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman onhis back.
As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent
and spends the night.
The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed.
"You have a very fine and loyal horse",
"But I will still kill you in two days."
"What is your SECOND request?"
The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse.
Silver is brought to him, and he again whispers in thehorse's ear.
As before, Silver takes off and disappears over thehorizon.
Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns,
this time with a voluptuous brunette,
more attractive than the blonde.

She enters the Lone Rangers tent
and spends the night.
The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed.
"You are indeed a man of many talents,"
"But I will still kill you tomorrow."
"What is your LAST request?"
The Lone Ranger responds,
"I'd like to speak to my horse...alone."
The Chief is curious, but he agrees,
and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent.
Oncethey're alone,
the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him square in the eye andsays,

Listen Very Carefully!!!FOR...THE...LAST...TIME...

"BRING POSSE!

 

[Foreigner]

A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.

His friend says, "Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man." The man then replies, "Yeah, well we were married 35 years."

 

[Foreigner]

A guy comes home completely drunk one night. He lurches through the door and is met by his scowling wife, who is most definitely not happy. "Where the hell have you been all night?" she demands. "At this fantastic new bar," he says. "The Golden Saloon. Everything there is golden. It's got huge golden doors, a golden floor, the works - hell, even the urinal's gold!"

The wife still doesn't believe his story, and the next day checks the phone book, finding a place across town called the Golden Saloon. She calls up the place to check her husband's story. "Is this the Golden Saloon?" she asks when the bartender answers the phone. "Yes it is," bartender answers. "Do you have huge golden doors?" "Sure do." "Do you have golden floors?" "Most certainly do." "What about golden urinals?" There's a long pause, then the woman hears the bartender yelling, "Hey, Duke, I think I got a lead on the guy that pissed in your saxophone last night!

 

[Foreigner]

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, “This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.” The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?” The boy takes the quarters and leaves. “What did I tell you?” said the barber. “That kid never learns!”

Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. “Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?” The boy licked his cone and replied, “Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over."

 

[Foreigner]

On a passenger flight, the pilot comes over the public address system as usual and to greet the passengers. He tells them at what altitude they’ll be flying, the expected arrival time, and a bit about the weather, and advises them to relax and have a good flight.

Then, forgetting to turn off the microphone, he says to his co-pilot, "What would relax me right now is a cup of coffee and a blowjob." All the passengers hear it. As a stewardess immediately begins to run toward the coughpit to tell the pilot of his slip-up, one of the passengers stops her and says "Don’t forget the coffee!"

 

[Foreigner]

A newlywed couple moves into their new house. One day the husband comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, you know, in the upstairs bathroom one of the pipes is leaking, could you fix it?" The husband says, "What do I look like, Mr. Plumber?" A few days go by, and he comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, the car won't start. I think it needs a new battery. Could you change it for me?" He says: "What do I look like, Mr. Goodwrench?" Another few days go by, and it's raining pretty hard. The wife finds a leak in the roof. She says, "Honey, there's a leak on the roof! Can you please fix it?" He says, "What do I look like, Bob Vila?"

The next day the husband comes home, and the roof is fixed. So is the plumbing. So is the car. He asks his wife what happened. "Oh, I had a handyman come in and fix them," she says. "Great! How much is that going to cost me?" he snarls. Wife says: "Nothing. He said he'd do it for free if I either baked him a cake or slept with him." "Uh, well, what kind of cake did you make?" asks the husband. "What do I look like," she says, "Betty Crocker?"

 

[Foreigner]

Two kids were arguing at the playground.
“My dad’s a better darts player than your dad,” said the first boy.
“No he ain’t,” said the second boy. “My dad got the highest score last week.”
“OK, OK, but my mum’s better than your mum.”
“Yeah, alright, my dad says the same thing.”

 

[Foreigner]

Asked to identify her missing husband, Jane went along to the morgue but on pulling back the sheet she shook her head sadly. “No, that’s not him,” she said, looking at the man’s sizeable parts, “but some poor woman’s lost a good friend.”

 

[Foreigner]

The wife’s mother rushed into the maternity wing to find out how her daughter was progressing. As she entered the waiting room, she spotted her son-in-law. Unknown to her, he was listening to the cricket on his IPod. “How’s it going?” she asked anxiously.
“Not bad,” he smiled, “they’ve got four out and there’s only one to go.” “Aaah,” she screamed, and fainted.

 

[Foreigner]

Staying overnight at a prestigious hotel, the couple were disturbed by the dreadful noise coming from downstairs. The man was soon on the phone to reception. “What’s all this noise about, I’ve spent a lot of money coming here and I don’t expect to be kept awake all night by that racket.”

“I’m very sorry, Sir,” said the receptionist, “they’re holding the Policeman’s Ball.” “Well, tell them to leave the bugger alone, so we can get some sleep.”

 

[Foreigner]

A footballer got kicked in his vital parts and lay doubled up on the ground holding himself and moaning. “Are you alright mate?” asked the first-aid man, rushing up to him. “For Christ’s sake,” groaned the man. “Whatever you do, don’t rub them, just count them!”

 

[Foreigner]

A husband and wife went to Manchester for the day. He had a meeting in the morning and she went off to do some shopping. Now the meeting finished much earlier than expected so the man went off into the centre of town and landed up in the “better part” of the red light district.

As he was passing one of the “ladies” flats, a beautiful hooker came out and before he knew what he was doing, he asked her how much she charged a session. The hooker looked at him disdainfully and told him it would be £150. “Bloody hell, that’s daylight robbery,” he exclaimed, “I’ve only got £30,” and feeling very disappointed he left to meet his wife for lunch. Just as the meal was over, the same hooker and a client entered the restaurant and on seeing the man and his wife she whispered to him as she passed. “I hope that’s taught you a lesson, that’s what you get for £30.”

 

[docjames]

How did the Hipster burn his tongue?

He sipped his coffee before it was cool......

 

[el_rooto]

I thought this one was funny.