A bit of humour

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Man comes home and there is a note on the 'fridge saying "It's not working! I can't take it any more and have gone to Mums!"

Man opened the fridge door, the light came on, the beer was cold and he muttered "Seems alright to me."
 
Such an unfair world:-

When a man talks dirty to a woman its considered sexual harassment.

When a woman talks dirty to a man its $2.50/min (charges may vary).
 
Catholic priest and a Methodist pastor from two local churches are standing by the side of the road, feverishly pounding a handmade sign into the ground with a large rock.


The sign reads: The End is Near! Turn Yourself Around Now Before It's Too Late!


As a car speeds past them, the driver yells, "Leave us alone, you religious Nuts!


From the curve just ahead they hear screeching tires and a big splash. The Pastor turns to the priest and asks,


"Do you think the sign should just say "Bridge Out ?"
 
During a good manners and etiquette class being held for young children, the teacher says to her students:


"If you were courting a well educated young girl from a prominent family and during a dinner for two you needed to go to the toilet, what would you say to her?"


Mike replies: "Wait a minute, I'm going for a piss."


The teacher says: "That would be very rude and improper on your part."


Charlie replies: "I'm sorry I need to go to the toilet, I'll be back in a minute."


The teacher says: "That's much better but to mention the word ''toilet'' during a meal, is unpleasant."


And Little Johnny says: "My dear, please excuse me for a moment. I have to go shake hands with a personal friend, whom, I hope to be able to introduce to you after dinner."
 
Two old men decide they are close to their last days and decide to have one last night on the town. After a few drinks, they end up at the local brothel. The madam takes one look at the two geezers and whispers to her manager, "go up to the first two bedrooms and put an inflated doll in each bed. These two are so old and drunk, I'm not going to waste two of my girls on them...they won't know the difference.

The manager does as he is told and the two old men go upstairs and take care of their business.

Afterward, as the two men are walking home, the first man says, "you know, I think my girl was DEAD!"

"Why do you say that?" asked his friend.

"Well, she never moved or made a sound the entire time that I was loving her", the first friend stated.

The other man replied, "well, it could be worse, I think mine was a WITCH!"

"Why the hell would you say that?", the first man asked in shock.

He replied, "well, I was making love to her, kissing her on the neck and all that, and then, I gave her just a little bite at which point she FARTED and FLEW OUT THE WINDOW! AND, she took my teeth with her!"
 
Bob was in a lot of trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really pissed, and started to give him the business.


She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"


The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.


Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.


She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.


Bob has been missing since Friday.
 
[h=2]Job interview[/h]
Jennifer, a manager at a local Woolworths store, had the task of hiring someone to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes she found four people who were equally qualified. Jennifer decided to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them would get the job.*

The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table,

Jennifer asked, 'What is the fastest thing you know of?'

The first man replied, 'A THOUGHT.' It just pops into your head.

There's no warning.

'That's very good!' replied Jennifer.

'And, now you sir?', she asked the second man.

'Hmmm...let me see 'A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know that it ever happened. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of.'

'Excellent!' said Jennifer. 'The blink of an eye, that's a very popular cliché for speed.'

She then turned to the third man, who was contemplating his reply.

'Well, out at my dad's property, you step out of the house and on the wall there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light on the barn comes on in less than an instant. 'Yep, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of'.

Jennifer was very impressed with the third answer and thought she had

found her man. 'It’s hard to beat the speed of light,' she said.

Turning to Wally, the fourth and final man, Jennifer posed the same

question.

Old Wally replied, 'After hearing the previous three answers, it's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHOEA.'

‘WHAT!?' said Jennifer, stunned by the response.

'Oh sure', said Wally. 'You see, the other day I wasn't feeling so good, and I ran for the bathroom, but before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had already cough myself..'

Wally is now working at a Woolworths near you!
 
A Travel Agent looked up from his desk to see an old lady and an old gentleman peering in the shop window at the posters showing the glamorous destinations around the world. The agent had had an excellent week and the dejected couple looking in the window gave him a rare feeling of generosity.

He called them into his shop, 'I know that on your pension you could never hope to have a holiday, so I am sending you off to a fabulous resort at my expense, and I won't take no for an answer.'

He took them inside and asked his secretary to write two flight tickets and book a room in a five star hotel. Then, as can be expected, they gladly accepted, and were off!

About a month later the little old lady came in to his shop.

'And how did you like your holiday?' he asked eagerly.

'The flight was exciting and the room was lovely,' she said. 'I've come to thank you, but one thing puzzled me. Who was that old bugger I had to share the room with?
 
Walking across a shopping centre car park a soldier found a distraught woman sobbing.

He asked her what was the problem and she explained that she's left her keys inside the car.

"Don't worry," he replied. "I can help."

The woman looked on in amazement as the soldier removed his trousers, rolled them into
a tight ball and rubbed them against the car door. Magically, it opened.




"That's so clever," the woman gasped. "How did you do it?"

"Easy," replies the man. "These are my khakis."
 
Q: Whats the difference between an IKEA sideboard and the government?


A:A screw in the wrong place and the whole cabinet falls apart.
 
In the Oval Office, with George Bush...



Secretary : - Mr. President, Condoleeza Rice is here to see you.
George B. : - Good, send her in.
Secretary : - Yessir.

(Hangs up. Condi enters.)

Condoleeza : - Good morning, Mr. President.
George B. : - Oh Condoleeza, nice to see you. What's happening?
Condoleeza : - Well, Mr. President, I have the report here about the new leader in China.
George B. : - Great, Condi. Lay it on me.
Condoleeza : - Mr. President, Hu is the new leader of China.
George B. : - Well, that's what I want to know.
Condoleeza : - But that's what I'm telling you, Mr. President.
George B. : - Well, that's what I'm asking you, Condie. Who is the new leader of China?
Condoleeza : - Yes.
George B. : - I mean the fellow's name.
Condoleeza : - Hu.
George B. : - The guy in China.
Condoleeza : - Hu.
George B. : - The new leader of China.
Condoleeza : - Hu.
George B. : - The Chinaman!
Condoleeza : - Hu is leading China, Mr. President.
George B. : - Whaddya' asking me for?
Condoleeza : - I'm telling you Hu is leading China.
George B. : - Well, I'm asking you, Condie. Who is leading China?
Condoleeza : - That's the man's name.
George B. : - That's who's name?
Condoleeza : - Yes.

(Pause.)

George B. : - Will you or will you not tell me the name of the new leader of China?
Condoleeza : - Yes, sir.
George B. : - Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he was in the Middle East.
Condoleeza : - That's correct.
George B. : - Then who is in China?
Condoleeza : - Yes, sir.
George B. : - Yassir is in China?
Condoleeza : - No, sir.
George B. : - Then who is?
Condoleeza : - Yes, sir.
George B. : - Yassir?
Condoleeza : - No, sir.

(Pause. Crumples paper)

George B. : - Condi, you're starting to piss me off now, and it's not 'cause you're black neither. I need to know the name of the new leader of China. So why don't you get me the Secretary General of the United Nations on the phone.
Condoleeza : - Kofi Annan?
George B. : - No, thanks. And Condi, call me George. Stop with that ebonics cough.
Condoleeza : - You want Kofi?
George B. : - No.
Condoleeza : - You don't want Kofi.
George B. : - No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk. And then get me the U.N.
Condoleeza : - Yes, sir.
George B. : - Not Yassir! The guy at the United Nations.
Condoleeza : - Kofi?
George B. : - Milk! Will you please make that call?
Condoleeza : - And call who?
George B. : - Well, who is the guy at the U.N?
Condoleeza : - No, Hu is the guy in China.
George B. : - Will you stay out of China?!
Condoleeza : - Yes, sir.
George B. : - And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the U.N.
Condoleeza : - Kofi.
George B. : - All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the phone.

(Condi picks up the phone.)

Condoleeza : - Hello. Rice, here.
George B. : - Rice? Good idea. And get a couple of egg rolls, too, Condi. Maybe we should send some to the guy in China. And the Middle East. Can you get chinese food in the Middle East? I don't know.
 
A woman was playing golf when she took a big swing and fell.


The party waiting behind her was a group that included Romney.


Romney quickly stepped forward and helped her to her feet.


She thanked him and started to leave, when he said, "I'm running for President and I hope you'll vote for me this November."


She laughed and quickly said, "I fell on my cough, not my head!"
 
Three women were returning to their village when they spotted a man,
obviously very inebriated, walking ahead of them.


As they watched him stumbling, he fell face down into a mud puddle.
When they walked up to him, one woman turned him over to see if she recognized him.
However, his face was so covered with mud that she bent over and unzipped his trousers. She remarked, "Well, he's not my husband."


The second woman peering over her shoulder agreed, "You're right, he's not your husband."


The third woman, somewhat older than the other two, bent over to look and said, "He's not even from our village."
 
Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair, and loved to charge
around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up
to maximum speed on the long corridors.

Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic the other
residents tolerated her and some of them actually joined in.

One day Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and
Kooky Clarence stepped out with his arm outstretched. 'STOP!,' he
shouted in a firm voice. 'Have you got a license for that thing?'
Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper
and held it up to him.
'OK' he said, and away Ethel sped down the hall.

As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, Weird Harold
popped out in front of her and shouted 'STOP! Have you got proof of
insurance?'
Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a drink coaster and held it up
to him.
Harold nodded and said 'On your way, Ma'am.'

As Ethel neared the final corridor, Crazy Craig stepped out in front
of her,
Butt- Naked, and holding his 'You-Know- What' in his hand.
'Oh, good grief,' yelled Ethel,
'Not that Damn Breathalyser Test again.!!!'
 
The madam opened the brothel door in Bearsden,near Glasgow, and
saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late
forties or early fifties.

"May I help you sir?" she asked.

The man replied, "I want to see Suzy."

"Sir, Suzy is one of our most expensive ladies . Perhaps you
would prefer someone else" , said the madam.

He replied, "No, I must see Suzy."

Just then, Suzy appeared and announced to the man she charged
£5000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand
pounds and gave it toSuzy and they went upstairs.

After an hour, the man calmly left.

The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to
see Suzy. Suzy explained that no one had ever come back two nights in
a row as she was too expensive.

"There are no discounts. The price is still £5000."

Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Suzy and they
went upstairs.

After an hour, he left.

The following night the man was there yet again.
Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive
night, but he paid Suzy and they went upstairs.

After their session, Suzy said to the man, "No one has ever been
with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?"

The man replied, "Edinburgh."
"Really," she said. "I have family in Edinburgh."
I know." the man said. "Your sister died, and I am her Lawyer.
She asked me to give you your £15,000 inheritance."


The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain:

1. Death
2. Taxes
3. Being screwed by a lawyer
 
When things in your life seem almost too much to handle, when 24 hours in a day are not enough, remember the mayonnaise jar and the 2 Beers.

A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him.

When the class began, he wordlessly picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls.

He then asked the students if the jar was full.

They agreed that it was.

The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly.

The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls.

He then asked the students again if the jar was
Full.

They agreed it was.

The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar.

Of course, the sand filled up everything else.

He asked once more if the jar was full..

The students responded with a unanimous 'yes.'

The professor then produced two Beers from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar effectively filling the empty space between the sand.

The students laughed..

'Now,' said the professor as the laughter subsided, 'I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life.

The golf balls are the important things---your family, your children, your health, your friends and your favorite passions---and if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full.

The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house and your car..

The sand is everything else---the small stuff.

'If you put
The sand into the jar first,' he continued, 'there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls.

The same goes for life.

If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff you will never have room for the things that are important to you.

Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness.

Spend time with your children.

Spend time with your parents. :idea:

Visit with grandparents. :idea:

Take your spouse out to dinner.

Play another 18. :shock:

There will always be time to clean the house and mow the lawn.

Take care of the golf balls first---the things that really matter.

Set your priorities.

The rest is just sand.

One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the beer represented.

The professor smiled and said, 'I'm glad you asked.'

The beer just shows you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a couple of beers with a friend. :cool:
 
Two beggars are sitting side by side on a street in Rome. One has a Cross in front of him; the other one the Star of David.

Many people go by, look at both beggars, but only put money into the hat of the beggar sitting behind the Cross.

The Pope comes by, stops to watch the people giving money to the beggar who holds the Cross while none give to the beggar holding the Star of David.

Finally, the Pope approaches the beggar with the Star of David and says, "My poor fellow, don't you understand? This city is the seat of Catholicism. People aren't going to give you money if you sit there with a Star of David in front of you, especially when you're sitting beside a beggar who is holding the Cross. In fact, they would probably give him more money just out of spite."

The beggar with the Star of David listened to the Pope, smiled, and turned to the beggar next to him and said, "Moishe, would you look who's trying to teach the Goldstein brothers about marketing!"


 


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