A bit of humour

[Bundy Bear]

My Travel Plans for 2013:

I have been in many places, but I've never been in Cahoots. Apparently, you can't go alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone. I've also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there. I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport; you have to be driven there. I have made several trips there, thanks to my children, friends, family and work. I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I'm not too much on physical activity anymore.

I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go, and I try not to visit there too often. I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm. Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I go there more often as I'm getting older. One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense! It really gets the adrenalin flowing and pumps up the old heart! At my age I need all the stimuli I can get! I may have been in Continent, and I don't remember what country I was in. It's an age thing. They tell me it is very wet and damp there.

Today is World Mental Health Day.

You can do your bit by remembering to send an e-mail to at least one unstable person, post it on Facebook or post it on the AFF BIT OF HUMOUR thread. :idea:

 

[Hvr]

A tourist in Vienna is going through a graveyard and all of a sudden he hears some music. No one is around, so he starts searching for the source.

He finally locates the origin and finds it is coming from a grave with a headstone that reads: Ludwig van Beethoven, 1770-1827. Then he realizes that the music is the Ninth Symphony and it is being played backward! Puzzled, he leaves the graveyard and persuades a friend to return with him.

By the time they arrive back at the grave, the music has changed. This time it is the Seventh Symphony, but like the previous piece, it is being played backward.
Curious, the men agree to consult a music scholar. When they return with the expert, the Fifth Symphony is playing, again backward. The expert notices that the symphonies are being played in the reverse order in which they were composed, the 9th, then the 7th, then the 5th.

By the next day the word has spread and a throng has gathered around the grave. They are all listening to the Second Symphony being played backward.Just then the graveyard's caretaker ambles up to the group. Someone in the crowd asks him if he has an explanation for the music.

"Oh, it's nothing to worry about" says the caretaker. "He's just decomposing!"

 

[Hvr]

Four men have been going fishing for many years.
This year, Ron's girlfriend put her foot down and told him he wasn't going. Bitterly disappointed, he phoned and told the others that he couldn't go.Two days later, the others arrived at the camping site, only to find Ron sitting there with a tent already set up. "Ron, how did you talk your girlfriend into letting you go?"

"Well, yesterday evening, after my girlfriend finished reading "Fifty Shades Of Grey," she dragged me into the bedroom. On the bed she had handcuffs and ropes! She told me to tie and cuff her to the bed, so I did. Then she said, "Do whatever you want."

So, here I am!

 

[Hvr]

I popped into my local library and asked if they had any books on lubrication.

The librarian said, "Try the non-friction section..."


I then asked about the self help section, to be told that "That would be defeating the purpose".

Finally, I told the librarian that both the books I had borrowed in Braille contained spelling mistakes.

She told me that they would soon iron out that problem.

 

[Hvr]

I did not know this...

When you drink vodka over ice, it can give you kidney failure.

When you drink rum over ice, it can give you liver failure.

When you drink whiskey over ice, it can give you heart problems.

When you drink gin over ice, it can give you brain problems.

Apparently, ice is really bad for you.

 

[codash1099]

I popped into my local library and asked if they had any books on lubrication.

The librarian said, "Try the non-friction section..."


I then asked about the self help section, to be told that "That would be defeating the purpose".

Finally, I told the librarian that both the books I had borrowed in Braille contained spelling mistakes.

She told me that they would soon iron out that problem.

Then I told her I wanted to borrow a book on suicide.

She refused - said I wouldn't bring it back

 

[Foreigner]

There were 3 priests in a railroad station all wanting to go home to Pittsburg. Behind the counter was a very shapely lass. She was amazingly well endowed, and it was obvious she was dressed - almost - to accentuate her attributions. This was embarrassing new territory for the priests so they drew straws to determine who would buy the tickets.

The first priest drew the short straw, and approached the window. "Young Lady," he began, "I would like three pickets to titsburg..." Whereupon realizing his mistake, he lost his composer and fled.

The second priest seeing his companion leave, approached the window. "Young Lady, I would like three tickets to Pittsburg, and I would like my change in nipples and dimes..." Of corse, he also fled in confusion.

Then came the third, stepping up all business he said clearly, "Young lady, I would like three tickets to Pittsburg, and I would like my change in nickles and dimes. If you please, and must I say, if you continue to dress in that fashion, when you get to the pearly gates, I am afraid St. Finger will shake his peter at you!"

 

[Foreigner]

Lesson to be learned from typing the wrong email address:
A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel plans. So, the husband left Minneapolis and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.
Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:
To: My loving wife
Subject: I've arrived Date: April 6, 2006
I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then. Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.
P.S. Sure is hot down here!!!!!

 

[codash1099]

My wife asked me what I was doing on the computer last night.
I told her I was looking for cheap flights.
"I love you!" she said, and then she got all excited.
That night we had the most amazing sex ever....
Which is odd, because she’s never shown an interest in darts before?

 

[Bundy Bear]

[SIZE=-1]Life with dad.

4 Years Old – My Daddy can do anything
7 Years Old – My Daddy knows a lot, a whole lot
8 Years Old – Dad doesn’t quite know everything
12 Years Old – Oh well, naturally Dad doesn’t quite understand
14 Years Old – Father? Hopelessly old fashioned
21 Years Old – Oh, that man is out of date! What would you expect?
25 Years Old – He comes up with a good idea, now and then
30 Years Old – Let’s find out what Dad thinks about it
35 Years Old – A little patience…must get Dad’s input first
50 Years Old – What would Dad have thought about it?
60 Years Old – I wish I could talk it over with Dad once more[/SIZE]

I guess you know where you are in the cycle of life, some of us get a few more years and a few of us get a few less.:-|

 

[Cruiser Elite]

This sign in PVG T2 near Lounge 77 always tickles my fancy:



Waitress: What can I get you Sir?

Me: I'll have a tall black and a slice of Cate please?

Waitress: Would you like whipped cream on your Cate?

Me: Oh yes please - if Cate is into the kinky stuff then why not?

 

[Major]

Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to
each other outside the operating room.

The first kid leans over and asks, 'What are you in
here for?'
The second kid says, 'I'm in here to get my tonsils
out and I'm a little nervous.'

The first kid says, 'You've got nothing to worry
about. I had that done when I was four.
They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they
give you lots of Jello and ice cream. Don't worry, It's a breeze.'

The second kid then asks, 'What are you here for?'

The first kid says, 'A circumcision.'

'Whoa!' the second kid replies. 'Good luck buddy. I
had that done when I was born. Couldn't walk for a year.'

 

[Deleted member]

They Say Men Can't Follow Instructions

Milk and eggs

This is a story which is perfectly logical to all males:

A wife asks her husband, "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk, and if they have eggs, get 6."

A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk. The wife asks him, "Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"

He replied, "They had eggs."

(I'm sure you're going back to read it again!)


It is I, Leclerc !

 

[gab]

"Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"

He replied, "They had eggs."

OMG wives can be can be thick sometimes, can't they?

"Huh! Women, can't live with 'em. Can't live without 'em"

 

[Hvr]

They Say Men Can't Follow Instructions

Milk and eggs

This is a story which is perfectly logical to all males:

A wife asks her husband, "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk, and if they have eggs, get 6."

A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk. The wife asks him, "Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"

He replied, "They had eggs."

(I'm sure you're going back to read it again!)


It is I, Leclerc !

I reckon he's the type of bloke who eats, roots and leaves.

 

[anat0l]

I reckon he's the type of bloke who eats, roots and leaves.

Ancient man was so much more refined than today's mankind. Probably because they hadn't invented the comma then.

 

[Bundy Bear]

How to complete a job application form prior to interview

NAME: I already know my name, you don't need to ask me

SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.

DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Telecom sized severance package. You know... the one's wit 6 zero's on thend. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

SALARY: Less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing house Sweepstakes.

DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job no, on my breaks yes.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Yes. Absolutely.

SIGN HERE: Taurus

 

[Major]

Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, 'I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhoea in the convent.'

'Thank God,' said an elderly nun at the back. 'I'm so tired of chardonnay.'

 

[Bundy Bear]

Sent from a cool Apple product using Aust Freq Fly app

 

[Major]

Thought of the Week

Golf balls are like eggs … they’re white. They’re sold by the dozen. And a week later you have to buy more.
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