A bit of humour

Might not be true, but I'll let the ones with real world experience be the judge of that.

Sourced from Are you ready to have kids? After you read this, maybe not | News.com.au, but copied here for convenience:

Are You Ready To Have Kids

Test 1: Preparation

Women: To prepare for pregnancy

1. Put on a dressing gown and stick a beanbag down the front.
2. Leave it there.
3. After 9 months remove 5% of the beans.

Men: To prepare for children

1. Go to a local chemist, tip the contents of your wallet onto the counter and tell the pharmacist to help himself
2. Go to the supermarket. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office.
3. Go home. Pick up the newspaper and read it for the last time.

Test 2: Knowledge

Find a couple who are already parents and berate them about their methods of discipline, lack of patience, appallingly low tolerance levels and how they have allowed their children to run wild.

Suggest ways in which they might improve their child's sleeping habits, toilet training, table manners and overall behaviour.

Enjoy it. It will be the last time in your life that you will have all the answers.

Test 3: Nights

To discover how the nights will feel:

1. Walk around the living room from 5pm to 10pm carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 4 - 6kg, with a radio turned to static (or some other obnoxious sound) playing loudly.
2. At 10pm, put the bag down, set the alarm for midnight and go to sleep.
3. Get up at 11pm and walk the bag around the living room until 1am.
4. Set the alarm for 3am.
5. As you can't get back to sleep, get up at 2am and make a cup of tea.
6. Go to bed at 2.45am.
7. Get up again at 3am when the alarm goes off.
8. Sing songs in the dark until 4am.
9. Put the alarm on for 5am. Get up when it goes off.
10. Make breakfast.
Keep this up for 5 years. LOOK CHEERFUL.

Test 4: Dressing Small Children

1. Buy a live octopus and a string bag.
2. Attempt to put the octopus into the string bag so that no arms hangout.
Time Allowed: 5 minutes.

Test 5: Cars

1. Forget the BMW. Buy a practical 5-door wagon.
2. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there.
3. Get a coin. Insert it into the CD player.
4. Take a box of chocolate biscuits; mash them into the back seat.
5. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car.

Test 6: Going for a walk

a. Wait.
b. Go out the front door.
c. Come back in again.
d. Go out.
e. Come back in again.
f. Go out again.
g. Walk down the front path.
h. Walk back up it.
i. Walk down it again.
j. Walk very slowly down the road for five minutes.
k. Stop, inspect minutely and ask at least 6 questions about every piece of used chewing gum, dirty tissue and dead insect along the way.
l. Retrace your steps.
m. Scream that you have had as much as you can stand until the neighbours come out and stare at you.
n. Give up and go back into the house.
You are now just about ready to try taking a small child for a walk.

Test 7: Conversations with children

Repeat everything you say at least 5 times.

Test 8: Grocery Shopping

1. Go to the local supermarket. Take with you the nearest thing you can find to a pre-school child - a fully grown goat is excellent. If you intend to have more than one child, take more than one goat.
2. Buy your weekly groceries without letting the goat(s) out of your sight.
3. Pay for everything the goat eats or destroys.
Until you can easily accomplish this, do not even contemplate having children.

Test 9: Feeding a 1 year-old


1. Hollow out a melon
2. Make a small hole in the side
3. Suspend the melon from the ceiling and swing it side to side
4. Now get a bowl of soggy cornflakes and attempt to spoon them into the swaying melon while pretending to be an aeroplane.
5. Continue until half the cornflakes are gone.
6. Tip the rest into your lap, making sure that a lot of it falls on the floor.

Test 10: TV

1. Learn the names of every character from the Wiggles, Barney, Teletubbies and Disney.
2. Watch nothing else on television for at least 5 years.

Test 11: Mess

1. Smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains
2. Hide a fish behind the stereo and leave it there all summer.
3. Stick your fingers in the flowerbeds and then rub them on clean walls. Cover the stains with crayon. How does that look?
4. Empty every drawer/cupboard/storage box in your house onto the floor and proceed with step 5.
5. Drag randomly items from one room to another room and leave them there.

Test 12: Long Trips with Toddlers

1. Make a recording of someone shouting 'Mummy' repeatedly. Important Notes: No more than a 4 second delay between each Mummy. Include occasional crescendo to the level of a supersonic jet.
2. Play this tape in your car, everywhere you go for the next 4 years.
You are now ready to take a long trip with a toddler.

Test 13: Conversations

1. Start talking to an adult of your choice.
2. Have someone else continually tug on your shirt hem or shirt sleeve while playing the Mummy tape listed above.
You are now ready to have a conversation with an adult while there is a child in the room.

Test 14: Getting ready for work

1. Pick a day on which you have an important meeting.
2. Put on your finest work attire.
3. Take a cup of cream and put 1 cup of lemon juice in it
4. Stir
5. Dump half of it on your nice silk shirt
6. Saturate a towel with the other half of the mixture
7. Attempt to clean your shirt with the same saturated towel
8. Do not change (you have no time).
9. Go directly to work
 
Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.


The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. “Please allow me to help. I’m a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you’d allow me,” she told him.


“Oh, no, I’ll be all right. I’ll be fine in a few minutes,” the man replied.


He was in obvious agony, lying in a fetal position, still clasping his hands together at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help.

She gently took his hands away and laid them at his side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, “How does that feel?”


He replied, ” It feels great but I still think my thumb’s broken.”
 
Two young guys appear in court after being arrested for smoking dope.


The judge says, “You seem like nice young men, and I’d like to give you a second chance instead of jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to convince others of the evils of drug use. I’ll see you back in court Monday.”


On Monday, the judge asks the first guy, “How did you do over the weekend?”
“Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever.”
“Seventeen people? That’s wonderful How did you do it? “
“I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this: O o. Then I told them that the big circle is your brain before drugs and the small circle is your brain after drugs.”


“That’s admirable,” says the judge. Then he turns to the second guy. “And how did you do?”


“Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever.”
“Wow!” says the judge “156 people! How did you manage to do that?”
“Well, I used a similar diagram,” the guy says. “I drew two circles like this: o O. Then I pointed to the little circle and said, ‘This is your a**hole before prison ….
 
For the docs on here.A referral letter I got today.
Please review IHD.2 stunts 2007.
Unfortunately she would not perform a stunt for me so i could not review.
 
The Preacher explains that he must move on to a larger congregation that will pay him more. There is a hush within the congregation. No one wants him to leave.


Joe Smith, who owns several car dealerships in the City, stands up and proclaims, “If the Preacher stays, I will provide him with a new Cadillac every year and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport their children!”
The congregation sighs in appreciation and applauds.


Sam Brown, a successful entrepreneur and investor, stands and says, “If the Preacher will stay on here, I’ll personally double his salary and establish a foundation to guarantee the college education of his children!”
More sighs and loud applause.

Sadie Jones, age 88, stands and announces with a smile, “If the Preacher stays, I will give him sex.”

There is total silence.

The Preacher, blushing, asks her, “Mrs. Jones, whatever possessed you to say that?”

Sadie’s 90 year old husband, Jake, is now trying to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand and shaking his head from side to side while his wife replies, “Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said, ‘Screw the Preacher’.”
 
SOCIALISM
You have 2 cows.
You give one to your neighbour.
COMMUNISM
You have 2 cows
The State takes both and gives you some milk.
FASCISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and sells you some milk.
BUREAUCRATISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other and then throws the milk away.
TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
You sell them and retire on the income.
VENTURE CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows.
The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company.
The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more.
AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow has died.
A FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike, organize a riot, and block the roads, because you want three cows.
AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows, but you don’t know where they are.
You decide to have lunch.
A SWISS CORPORATION
You have 5,000 cows. None of them belong to you.
You charge the owners for storing them.
A CHINESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim that you have full employment and high bovine productivity.
You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.
AN INDIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You worship them.
A BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Both are mad.
AN IRAQI CORPORATION
Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.
You tell them that you have none.
Nobody believes you, so they bomb the cough out of you and invade your country.
You still have no cows but at least you are now a Democracy.
AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Business seems pretty good.
You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.

A CANADIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.

One speaks English and the other speaks French so you must purchase a bilingual cow.

You have to pay them what Americans make and give them all of the social advantages of Europe.

Your milk is too expensive.

A GREEK CORPORATION
You have two cows borrowed from French and German banks.
You eat both of them.
The banks call to collect their milk, but you cannot deliver so you call the IMF.
The IMF loans you two cows.
You eat both of them.
The banks and the IMF call to collect their cows/milk.
You are out getting a haircut.
 
Speaking of 2 cows,, I have 2 cows that I need to round up and yard. Doing anything this weekend??
 
A woman asks her husband at breakfast time, "Would you like some bacon and eggs, a slice of toast, and maybe some grapefruit juice and coffee?"

He declines. "Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now. It's this cough," he says. "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."

At lunchtime, she asked him if he would like something. "How about a bowl of soup, homemade muffins or a cheese sandwich?"

He declines. "The cough," he says, "Its really spoiled my need for food."

Come dinnertime, she asks if he wants anything to eat. "Would you like a juicy rib eye steak and some scrumptious apple pie?
Or maybe a rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?"

He declines again. "No," he says, "it's got to be the cough. I'm still not hungry."

"Well," she says, "Would you mind getting off me? I'm bloody starving."
 
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Sometimes everything sucks...and then you realise that you have the same amount of Tour de France wins as Lance Armstrong and twice as many testicl_s!

JB
 
Sometimes everything sucks...and then you realise that you have the same amount of Tour de France wins as Lance Armstrong and twice as many testicl_s!

JB

The start of the Armstrong jokes.......

(not a criticism - just saying)
 
PARIS (AP) - French Authorities arrested Lance Armstrong and disqualified him from this year's Tour de France on Friday after cleaning personnel discovered 3 substances in his motel room that are explicitly banned in France. Tour Officials are saddened by this turn of events and Lance Armstrong was not available for comment. When asked by reporters as to the identification of the substances, Police Crime Lab Investigators confirmed that the substances were in fact, toothpaste, deodorant and soap.

Why didn't Lance fight back at USADA to prove his innocence?

I guess he just didn't have the balls.

So Lance walks in a bar and asks for a Shirley Temple.
"That's a strange drink for a dude." said the bartender. "Are you positive?"
"Evidently." said Lance.

Why was it such a surprise when Lance caved under the threat of the USADA investigation?
Usually he responds better to needling.

I recently introduced Lance to a crowd of people. I didn't know what to call him, so I asked his agent.
The agent said "What do you mean, call him?"
I said, "You know, Mr. Armstrong? Mr. Lance Armstrong? Olympian Lance Armstrong?"
"Oh, I see." said his agent, "buy just call him Lance. He has no titles."





 
THE IRISH 999 CALL

An Irishman is cleaning his rifle and accidentally shoots his wife.
He immediately dials 999.

Irishman: ''It's my fooken wife! I've accidentally shot her, I've fooken killed her!''

Operator: ''Please calm down Sir. Can you first make sure she is actually dead!''

*click* .. *BANG*

Irishman: ''Okay, I've done that. What next?''
 
THE IRISH 999 CALL

An Irishman is cleaning his rifle and accidentally shoots his wife.
He immediately dials 999.

Irishman: ''It's my fooken wife! I've accidentally shot her, I've fooken killed her!''

Operator: ''Please calm down Sir. Can you first make sure she is actually dead!''

*click* .. *BANG*

Irishman: ''Okay, I've done that. What next?''

This joke has done the rounds many times! I think it has even been nominated at some point as the funniest joke (I think some sort of study confirmed this so).

That said, it changes between an Irishman killing his wife, or two Irish hunters, or blondes, or... (etc.)
 

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