A bit of humour

[Major]

Scotsman ....

A TRUE INCIDENT

A Scotsman walks into a bank in Glasgow and asks for the loan officer.
He tells the loan officer that he is going to Australia on business for two weeks and needs to borrow £5,000.
The bank officer tells him that the bank will need some form of security for the loan,
So the canny Scots lad hands over the keys and documents of new Ferrari parked on the street in front of the bank.
He produces the Log Book and everything checks out.
The loan officer agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan.
The bank's Manager and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the rough looking Scotsman
For using a £120,000 Ferrari as collateral against a £5000 loan.
An employee of the bank then drives the Ferrari in to the bank's underground garage and parks it there.
Two weeks later, the Scotsman returns, repays the £5,000 and the interest, which comes to £15.41.
The loan officer says, "Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multi millionaire. So what puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow "£5,000" ?
The Scotsman replies: "Where else in Glasgow can I park my car for two weeks for only £15..41 and expect it to be there when I return'"

 

[Maca44]

Topless Photo of Kate Middleton

I don't know if this photo has been doctored, or not

 

[Foreigner]

A man who lived at a nudist colony received a letter from his mother asking him to send her a more up-to-date photo of himself. Unfortunately, he only had one picture, but it was of him in the nude, so he cut the photo in half and sent her the top half. Some time later, mum wrote again asking him if he would send a photo of himself to his ageing grandmother. Now he only had the bottom half left but because she had such poor eyesight, he took a chance that she would be none the wiser. Some time later, he got a letter back from his grandmother and in it she said,
“Thanks for the picture. Maybe you should change your hairstyle a bit, though, it makes your nose look long.”

 

[whatmeworry]

Another Mitt Romney gaffe and the comparison between him and Mr Burns grows stronger!

 

[whatmeworry]

Jon Stewart on Romney.

[video=youtube;zGWIMxCZp1E]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zGWIMxCZp1E[/video]

 

[whatmeworry]

Dogshaming

 

[Foreigner]

A couple of young boys were fishing at their special pond off the beaten track. All of a sudden, the Game Warden jumped out of the bushes. Immediately, one of the boys threw his rod down and started running through the woods like a bat out of hell. The Game Warden was hot on his heels. After about a half mile, the young man stopped and stooped over with his hands on his thighs to catch his breath, so the Game Warden finally caught up to him.

"Let's see yer fishin' license, Boy!" the Warden gasped. With that, the boy pulled out his wallet and gave the Game Warden a valid fishing license. "Well, son," said the Game Warden, "you must be about as dumb as a box of rocks! You don't have to run from me if you have a valid license!" "Yes, sir," replied the young guy, "but my friend back there, well, he don't have one."

 

[straitman]

PUBLIC ANNOUNCEMENT


Grand Final Arrangements
MCG 2012

Patrons planning to attend the 2012 Grand Final at the Melbourne Cricket Ground on 28[SUP]th [/SUP]September 2012 are advised to make their own catering arrangements.

Patrons will be permitted to bring hampers, picnic baskets or other containers with their own hot or cold food.

These changes have been introduced because it is now confirmed that there will be no Pies at the 2012 Grand Final.

 

[Flashback]

PUBLIC ANNOUNCEMENT


Grand Final Arrangements
MCG 2012

Patrons planning to attend the 2012 Grand Final at the Melbourne Cricket Ground on 28[SUP]th [/SUP]September 2012 are advised to make their own catering arrangements.

Patrons will be permitted to bring hampers, picnic baskets or other containers with their own hot or cold food.

These changes have been introduced because it is now confirmed that there will be no Pies at the 2012 Grand Final.

Like+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

 

[paxman]

A Man walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter, and sees that it's filled to the brim with $10 bills. He guesses there must be at least ten thousand dollars in it. He approaches the bartender and asks, "what's with the money in the jar?"

"Well...you pay $10, and if you pass three test, you get all the money in the jar and the keys to a brand New Lexus"

The Man certainly isn't going to pass this up, so he asks, "What are the three tests?"

"You gotta pay first,"says the bartender, "those are the rules."

So, after thinking it over a while, the man gives the bartender $10 which he stuffs into the jar.

"Okay," says the bartender, "here's what you need to do:

First - You have to drink a whole quart of tequila, in 60 seconds or less, and you can't make a face while doing it."

"Second - There's a pit bull chained in the back with a bad tooth. You have to remove that tooth with your bare hands."

"Third - There's a 90- year old lady upstairs who's never had sex. You have to take care of that problem."

The man is stunned!
I know I paid my $10 -- but I'm not an idiot! I won't do it!
You'd have to be nuts to drink a quart of tequila and then do all those other things.

Your call, says the bartender, "but, your money stays where it is."

As time goes on, the man has a few more drinks and finally says "Where's the damn Tequila?!"

He grabs the bottle with both hands and drinks it as fast as he can. Tears stream down both cheeks but he doesn't make a face -- and he drinks it in 58 seconds!
Next, he staggers out the back door where he sees the pit bull chained to a pole. Soon, the people inside the bar hear
loud growling, screaming, and sounds of a terrible fight then, nothing but silence.

Just when they think that the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar. His clothes are ripped to shreds and he
is bleeding from bites and gashes all over his body.

He drunkenly says, "Now... where's that old woman with the bad tooth?"​

 

[Foreigner]

Not so dumb blonde...





Two strangers were seated next to each other on the plane when the guy turned to the beautiful blonde and made his move by saying, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

The blonde, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly, and said to the guy, "What would you like to discuss?"


"Oh, I don't know," said the guy. "How about nuclear power?"


"OK," said the blonde. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass. The same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"


"Oh brother," said the guy. "I have no idea."


"Well, then," said the blonde, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know cough?"

 

[Foreigner]

[TABLE="class: postTable, width: 732"]
[TR="class: sbsectiontableentry1"]
[TD="class: sb_messagebody"]An old lady was standing at the rail of the cruise ship holding her hat so that it wouldn't blow away in the wind. A gentleman approached her and said, "Pardon me, madam .... I do not intend to be forward but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this wind?""Yes, I know," said the lady. "But I need my hands to hold onto my hat."
"But madam, he said, "you must know that your privates are exposed!?"
The woman looked down, then back up at the man and said, "Sir, anything you see down there is 85 years old, but I just bought this hat yesterday!"


[/TD]
[/TR]
[/TABLE]

 

[Foreigner]

One day Mrs. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at the local church. "Reverend," she said, "I have a problem: my husband keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very embarrassing. What should I do?"


"I have an idea," said the minister. "Take this hatpin with you. I will be able to tell when Mr. Jones is sleeping, and I will motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give him a good poke in the leg."


In church the following Sunday, Mr. Jones dozed off. Noticing this, the preacher put his plan to work. "And who made the ultimate sacrifice for you?" he said, nodding to Mrs. Jones.


"Jesus!" Jones cried as his wife jabbed him the leg with the hatpin.


"Yes, you are right, Mr. Jones," said the minister. Soon, Mr. Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed. "Who is your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning towards Mrs. Jones.


"God!" Mr. Jones cried out as he was stuck again with the hatpin.


"Right again," said the minister, smiling. Before long, Mr. Jones had winked off again. However, this time, the minister did not notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few motions that Mrs. Jones mistook as signals to bayonet her husband with the hatpin again.


The minister asked, "And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore him his 99th son?"


Mrs. Jones poked her husband, who yelled, "You stick that goddamned thing in me one more time and I'll break it in half and shove it up your cough!"


"Amen," replied the congregation.

 

[codash1099]

Back in the 1950’s, on one of those days when the temperature was way below zero, an announcement was made in a small USSR village, of the arrival of a fresh supply of meat. The inhabitants, bundled from toe to head with heavy coats and blankets, ran as fast as they could to stand in line in front of the market.


After a long hour, they finally saw a man coming out of the shop, who made the following announcement: “Comrades, I regret to advise you, that there is not enough meat for everybody. All the Jews in line must leave.”


Unhappy, a group of Jews left the line.

Another hour passed, and the same man came out again: “Comrades,” he says, “I regret to advise you that there isn’t enough meat for everybody. Those who are not members of the Communist Party must leave.”


Some more people left the line, disgustedly.


Another hour passed, and the man came out again: “Comrades,” he says, “I regret to advise you that there is not enough meat for everybody in line.


Those who were not members of the Party prior to 1956 must leave the line.”


A group of young people left the line, disgruntled. Now, there were only a few old people left in the line.


Another hour passed, with the temperature dropping lower and the day getting darker. The man came out again: “Comrades,” he says, “I’m sorry to advise you that we have no meat at all. All of you can go home.”


One old woman turns to the one behind her: “See that”? she says, “The Jews, they always get preferential treatment.”

 

[codash1099]

A man and woman are having marriage problems, and decide
to end their union after a very short time together.

After a most brief attempt to reconcile, the couple goes
to court to finalize their break-up.

The judge asks the husband, "What has brought you to
the point that you are now at, where you are not able to
keep this marriage together?"

The husband says, "In the six weeks we've been
together, we haven't been able to agree on one thing."

The wife says, "Seven weeks."

 

[codash1099]

There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things mechanical. After serving his company loyally for over 25 years, he happily retired. Several years later, his company contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible problem they were having with one of their multimillion- dollar machines. They had tried everything to get the machine fixed, but to no avail. In desperation, they called on the retired engineer who had solved so many of their problems in the past.

The engineer reluctantly took the challenge.

He spent a day studying the huge machine.
​

At the end of the day he marked a small "x" in chalk on a particular component of the machine and proudly stated, "This is where your problem is."
The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly again.
​

The company received a bill for $20,001 from the engineer for his service. They demanded an itemized accounting of his charges.
​

The engineer responded briefly: "One chalk mark... $1. Knowing where to put it... $20,000."
​

 

[Flashback]

There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things mechanical. After serving his company loyally for over 25 years, he happily retired. Several years later, his company contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible problem they were having with one of their multimillion- dollar machines. They had tried everything to get the machine fixed, but to no avail. In desperation, they called on the retired engineer who had solved so many of their problems in the past.

The engineer reluctantly took the challenge.

He spent a day studying the huge machine.
​

At the end of the day he marked a small "x" in chalk on a particular component of the machine and proudly stated, "This is where your problem is."
The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly again.
​

The company received a bill for $20,001 from the engineer for his service. They demanded an itemized accounting of his charges.
​

The engineer responded briefly: "One chalk mark... $1. Knowing where to put it... $20,000."
​

Not really humour, reality !!

 

[Foreigner]

http://iheartinspiration.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/03/ten-years-ago-steve-jobs.jpg

 

[Bundy Bear]

PUBLIC ANNOUNCEMENT


Grand Final Arrangements
MCG 2012

Patrons planning to attend the 2012 Grand Final at the Melbourne Cricket Ground on 28[SUP]th [/SUP]September 2012 are advised to make their own catering arrangements.

Patrons will be permitted to bring hampers, picnic baskets or other containers with their own hot or cold food.

These changes have been introduced because it is now confirmed that there will be no Pies at the 2012 Grand Final.

Now go and add that as a Facebook status update.

 

[Ikara]

Of course the bandwagon rolls on with Bernardi sacked fromhis parliamentary roles, a vote on same sex marriage, polygamy and a tenuouslink to bestiality etc etc...... brings to mind this;

Lord Smythe and theColonel were discussing the whereabouts of their mutual friend, Sir Basil.
"Didn't you hear?" said the Colonel, "Theblighter's gotten himself off to Kenya to live in a tree. With an ape."
"A he-ape, or a she-ape?" asked Lord Smythe, with someconcern.
"A she-ape, of course. Sir Basil's not strange, youknow."

JB