A bit of humour

A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the lady behind the wheel was knitting.

Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yells, "PULL OVER!"

"NO," she yelled back over the sound of the siren, "It's a SCARF!"
 
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Ruth took her boyfriend Bernie home to meet her parents, Mr. and Mrs. Bloom.

"What do you do for a living?" asked Mr. Bloom.

"I own some property," replied Bernie.

"Some property!" exclaimed Ruth. "He owns a chain of fast-rising retail stores."

"And where do you live?" asked Mrs. Bloom.

"I've got an apartment in town."

"An apartment!" cried Ruth. "He has a luxury apartment in the most sought-after block in Manhattan."

"And what are your prospects?" inquired Mr. Bloom.

"I'm hoping to expand!" said Bernie.

"Expand!" interrupted Ruth. "He's planning to buy Bloomingdale's!"

Just then Bernie sneezed.

"Have you got a cold?" asked Mrs. Bloom.

"A cold?" shrieked Ruth. "Bernie's got pneumonia!"
 
Three Englishman walk into a bar and spot a Welshman sitting alone at a table.

One fellow said to the others, 'Let's pick a fight with that Welshman over there.'

His partner replied, 'Wait, we don't want to be arrested. Let's make him start the fight.'

The third Englishman said, 'Wait here chaps. I know how to do it.'

He went over to the Welshman and said, 'St David was a flippin' sissy.'

To this the Welshman replied, 'Ah well you don't say!' and calmly resumed drinking his beer.

The second Englishman now tried his luck and said to the Welshman, 'St David was a stupid fool that wore a dress!'

The Welshman again replied, 'You're very sharp, you don't say!' and calmly resumed drinking his beer.

The last Englishman told his friends he knew how to rile the Welshman and bounced up to the table and yelled, 'St David was an Englishman!'

The Welshman replied, calmly, 'That's what your mates were trying to tell me.'
 
This occurred a little while ago but is still funny:

Nelson Mandela is at home watching TV when there is a knock at the door. A Japanese delivery man is clutching a clipboard, pointing to a truck full of car exhausts in the driveway and saying, "You sign, you sign!"

The bewildered ex-president will do no such thing and slams the door.

The next day, the man is back, waving a clipboard under the great man's nose, gesturing to a truckload of brake pads and insisting, "You sign, you sign!"

Nelson gets rid of the man again, but next day he's back with two truckloads of car parts, once again holding out a clipboard and screaming "You sign! You sign!"

Mandela loses his temper and yells, "Look, I don't want these. Do you understand? You have the wrong person!"

Puzzled, the Japanese man consults his clipboard and asks, "Ah soh. You not Nissan Main dealer?"
 
Hvr said:
Someone just threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me.

Don't worry, I only incurred super fish oil injuries.
Click to expand...

A grizzly walks into a bar and asks for a drink.

"Sorry," says the bartender, "we don't serve anyone on drugs."

"But I'm not on drugs!" the grizzly retorts, and promptly chomps a huge piece out of the bar. "Now, give me a drink!"

"Sorry," says the bartender, "we don't serve anyone on drugs."

"But I'm not on drugs!"

"Sure you were. That was a barbiturate."
 
[FONT=&quot]Seeing the reintroduction of Datsun is imminent I hope this incident doesn’t recur.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Fred had an old Datsun and it needed repairs so he took it to the local mechanic who advised him that It wasn’t worth fixing. It needed a special cog that could only be obtained from the factory in Japan. [/FONT]

[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Fred loved his little Datsun (even named it Cedric) so he thought he may as well go to Japan and get the cog and see where Cedric had come from. At the factory Fred was told that he couldn’t buy just one cog, he had to buy a whole box of 10,000 cogs. Well he thought, I’m here now and really want to fix Cedric so why not get a few spares.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]On the flight home the baggage door flew open and cases and boxes flew everywhere over the population below. The box containing the cogs broke open and they sprayed everywhere. Incredibly they landed near a Datsun mechanic who recognised them and said to his apprentice, look it’s raining Datsun cogs. [/FONT]
 
Hvr said:
[FONT=&amp]Seeing the reintroduction of Datsun is imminent I hope this incident doesn’t recur.[/FONT]


[FONT=&amp]Fred had an old Datsun and it needed repairs so he took it to the local mechanic who advised him that It wasn’t worth fixing. It needed a special cog that could only be obtained from the factory in Japan. [/FONT]


[FONT=&amp]Fred loved his little Datsun (even named it Cedric) so he thought he may as well go to Japan and get the cog and see where Cedric had come from. At the factory Fred was told that he couldn’t buy just one cog, he had to buy a whole box of 10,000 cogs. Well he thought, I’m here now and really want to fix Cedric so why not get a few spares.[/FONT]


[FONT=&amp]On the flight home the baggage door flew open and cases and boxes flew everywhere over the population below. The box containing the cogs broke open and they sprayed everywhere. Incredibly they landed near a Datsun mechanic who recognised them and said to his apprentice, look it’s raining Datsun cogs. [/FONT]
Click to expand...

Oh dear...! :lol:
 
Comes a time when a woman just has to trust her husband...

After a 'girls night out' a wife comes home late at night, and quietly opens the door to her bedroom.

From under the blanket she sees four legs instead of two.

She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can.

Leaving the covered bodies groaning, satified, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink.

As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine.

"Hi Darling", he says. "Your parents have come to visit us, so l let them stay in our bedroom...

Did you say,'hello'?"
 
Introducing the new Bio-Optic Organized Knowledge device, trade-named --
BOOK.

BOOK is a revolutionary breakthrough in technology: no wires, no
electric circuits, no batteries, nothing to be connected or switched
on. It's so easy to use, even a child can operate it.
Compact and portable, it can be used anywhere -- even sitting in an
armchair by the fire -- yet it is powerful enough to hold as much
information as a CD-ROM disc.

Here's how it works:

BOOK is constructed of sequentially numbered sheets of paper
(recyclable), each capable of holding thousands of bits of
information. The pages are locked together with a custom-fit device
called a binder which keeps the sheets in their correct sequence.

Opaque Paper Technology (OPT) allows manufacturers to use both sides of the
sheet, doubling the information density and cutting costs.
Experts are divided on the prospects for further increases in
information density; for now, BOOKS with more information simply use
more pages. Each sheet is scanned optically, registering information
directly into your brain. A flick of the finger takes you to the next
sheet.

BOOK may be taken up at any time and used merely by opening it.
BOOK never crashes or requires rebooting, though, like other devices,
it can become damaged if coffee is spilled on it and it becomes
unusable if dropped too many times on a hard surface. The "browse"
feature allows you to move instantly to any sheet, and move forward or
backward as you wish. Many come with an "index" feature, which
pin-points the exact location of any selected information for instant
retrieval.

An optional "BOOKmark" accessory allows you to open BOOK to the exact place
you left it in a previous session -- even if the BOOK has been closed.
BOOKmarks fit universal design standards; thus, a single
BOOKmark can be used in BOOKs by various manufacturers. Conversely, numerous
BOOK markers can be used in a single BOOK if the user wants to store
numerous views at once. The number is limited only by the number of pages in
the BOOK. You can also make personal notes next to BOOK text entries with
optional programming tools, Portable Erasable Nib Cryptic Intercommunication
Language Styli (PENCILS).

Portable, durable, and affordable, BOOK is being hailed as a precursor
of a new entertainment wave. BOOK's appeal seems so certain that
thousands of content creators have committed to the platform and
investors are reportedly flocking to invest. Look for a flood of new
titles soon.
 
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?" "Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet..

"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman..



The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"

The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150."
 
A duck is standing by the side of the road, waiting to cross…
A chicken comes up to him and says: "Don't even think about it, mate - you'll never hear the end of it!"
 

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