A bit of humour

[mrs.dr.ron]

Medical distinction between Guts and Balls

Medically speaking there is no difference in the outcome.

Both result in death.

You got that right.

 

[whatmeworry]

Found this on Dilbert.

 

[codash1099]

Tim decided to marry his long time girlfriend. One evening, after the honeymoon, he was cleaning his golf shoes.


His new wife was standing there watching him.

After a long period of silence she finally spoke.


“Tim Darling now that we are married I think it's time you gave up golf.

Perhaps you should consider selling your clubs."

Tim looked horrified.


She said, “Darling, what's wrong?"


"For a minute there you were sounding like my ex-wife.”


“Ex wife!” she gasped, “You didn't tell me you'd been married before"


“I haven't been” said Tim

 

[Major]

If you've ever worked for a boss who reacts before getting the facts and thinking things through, you will love this!

Arcelor-Mittal Steel, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO. The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.

On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning against a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business. He asked the guy, "How much money do you make a week?"

A little surprised, the young man looked at him and said, "I make $400 a week. Why?"

The CEO said, "Wait right here." He walked back to his office, came back in two minutes, and handed the guy $1,600 in cash and said, "Here's four weeks' pay. Now GET OUT and don't come back."

Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here?"

From across the room a voice said,

"Pizza delivery guy from Domino's."*

 

[Bundy Bear]

Ain't that the truth.

 

[codash1099]

[FONT=&quot]On a train from London to Manchester ; an Australian was berating the Englishman sitting across from him in the compartment.

"You English are too stuffy. You set yourselves apart too much. You think your stiff upper lip puts you above the rest of us.

Look at me... I have Italian blood, Greek blood, a little Irish blood, and some Aborigine blood. What do you say to that ?"

The Englishman replied, "Awfully sporting of your mother, old chap."[/FONT][FONT=&quot] [/FONT]

 

[QF WP]

Pinetop Bear Tragedy

This is a very sad story about a bear... Everybody should heed the warnings not to feed wildlife because they become dependent and don't forage for themselves any longer. It is such a tragedy to see what has been done to our country's wildlife. The photo below captures a disturbing trend that is beginning to affect U.S. wildlife.



Animals that formerly were self-sufficient are now showing signs of belonging to the Democrat Party. They have apparently learned to just sit and wait for the government to step in and provide for their care and sustenance. This photo is of a black bear in the Pinetop Country Club turned Democrat. He's nicknamed Bearack Obearma. It is believed that he has become a campground organizer.

 

[TheEmu]

Pinetop Bear Tragedy

This is a very sad story about a bear... Everybody should heed the warnings not to feed wildlife because they become dependent and don't forage for themselves any longer. It is such a tragedy to see what has been done to our country's wildlife. The photo below captures a disturbing trend that is beginning to affect U.S. wildlife.

View attachment 17561

Animals that formerly were self-sufficient are now showing signs of belonging to the Democrat Party. They have apparently learned to just sit and wait for the government to step in and provide for their care and sustenance. This photo is of a black bear in the Pinetop Country Club turned Democrat. He's nicknamed Bearack Obearma. It is believed that he has become a campground organizer.

Oh for a "Double/Triple-Like" button!

 

[markis10]

Some cannot bear being released!

 

[anat0l]

I guess while we are on bear jokes...

 

[jneufeld]

For those that use neck pillows

 

[straitman]

A few fill in words :!:

 

[Major]

Sent to me by a mate in NZ ( I have no idea where South Wairarapa is )


Tom had been working in the city for 25 years.

Finally, sick of the stress, he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in the South Wairarapa as far from humanity as possible.

He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.

After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it and a huge, bearded man is standing there.

“Name's Cliff, your neighbour from ten miles up the road. Having a Christmas party Friday night. Thought you might like to come at about 5:00...”

“Great”, says Tom, “after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you.”

As Cliff is leaving, he stops. “Gotta warn you. There’ll be some drinking”.

“Not a problem” says Tom. “After 25 years in the business, I can drink with the best of 'em”.

Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. “More 'n' likely gonna be some fightin' too.”

“Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right! .. I'll be there. Thanks again.”

“More'n likely be some wild sex, too,”

“Now that's really not a problem” says Tom, warming to the idea. “I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there….. by the way, what should I wear?'

“Don't much matter. Just gonna be the two of us”.

 

[JohnM]

A girl goes to the doctor and takes off her shirt to be
examined. On her chest she has a huge red "H." The doctor
asks,"How did you get that red 'H' on your chest?" and the
girl replies, "My boyfriend goes to Harvard and he's so
proud of his school that he never takes off his sweatshirt,
even when we're making love."

So the next day the doctor has to examine another girl and
she takes off her shirt and has a huge blue"Y"on her chest.
The doctor asks,"How did you get that blue'Y'on your chest?"
and the girl replies,"My boyfriend goes to Yale and he's so
proud of his school that he never takes off his sweatshirt,
even when we're making love."

The next day the doctor has to examine another girl and she
takes off her shirt and she has a huge green "M" on her chest.
The doctor asks, "Do you have a boyfriend who goes to
Michigan?" and the girl replies, "No, but I have a girlfriend
who goes to Wisconsin. Why do you ask?"

 

[Foreigner]

A man doing market research knocked on a door and was greeted by a young woman with three small children running around at her feet.

He says, "I'm doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the product?"

She says, "Yes. My husband and I use it all the time." "And if you don't mind me asking, what do you use it for?"

"We use it for sex." The researcher was a little taken back, "Usually people lie to me and say that they use it on a child's bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge. But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex. I admire you for your honesty. Since you've been frank so far, can you tell me exactly how you use it for sex?"

The woman says, "I don't mind telling you at all...my husband and I put it on the door knob and the kids can't open the door."

 

[JohnM]

NASA was interviewing professionals they were figuring
on sending to Mars. The touchy part was that only one
guy could go and it would be a one way trip, the guy
not ever returning to Earth.

The interviewer asked the first applicant, an engineer,
how much he wanted to be paid for going."One million
dollars," the engineer answered. "And I want to donate
it all to my alma mater--New Mexico State University."

The next applicant was a doctor, and the interviewer
asked him the same question.

"Two million dollars," the doctor said. "I want to give
a million to my family and leave the other million for
the advancement of medical research."

The last applicant was a lawyer. When asked how much
money he wanted, he whispered in the interviewer's ear,
"Three million dollars."

"Why so much more than the others?"the interviewer asked.

The lawyer replied, "You give me three million, I'll give
you one million, I'll keep a million, and we'll send the
engineer."

 

[JohnM]

10 Things that suck about being a Guy

You have to take out the garbage.
The Ferrari 550 Maranello lists over $200,000.
No sofas in your restrooms.
External genitalia are vulnerable to knees and
fastballs.
Even if you get your head caught in an industrial
wood chipper, you're not allowed to cry.
James Bond movies only come out every two years.
Ribbed for her pleasure---not yours.
You have to wear ties.
You can't flirt your way out of a jam.
"Women and children first"

 

[serfty]

Sent to me by a mate in NZ ( I have no idea where South Wairarapa is )...

It's the very most southern region on the North Island of New Zealand - basically South East of Wellington.

 

[Major]

An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are walking down the street together.
A juggler is performing on the street but there are so many people that the four men can’t see the juggler.
So the juggler goes on top of a platform and asks: “Can you see me now?”

The four men answer: “Yes.” “Oui.” “Si.” “Ja.”

 

[cove]

He was in ecstasy with a huge smile on his face as his wife moved forward then backwards, forward then backwards, forward,
then backwards again.......back and forth.....

She could feel the sweat on her forehead, between her breasts down the small of her back.
She was getting near to the end.

Her heart was pounding. Her face was flushed.

Then she moaned , softly at first, and then began to groan louder.

Finally, totally exhausted, she let out an almighty scream and shouted,
"Okay, Okay! I can't park the car ! You do it you smug cough"