A bit of humour

[anat0l]

I recently entered a local paper's pun contest.​

I sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. ​

Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
​

Well, at least you took a pun. ​

 

[The Rok]

A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by an Irish Garda.

He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer, from London , and is certain that he has a better education than any paddy cop.

He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Garda's expense!!

Irish Garda says,' License and registration, please.'

London Lawyer says, 'What for?'

Irish Garda replies, 'You didn't come to a complete stop at the Stop sign.'

London Lawyer says, 'I slowed down, and no one was coming.'

Irish Garda says, 'You still didn't come to a complete stop.

License And registration, please.'

London Lawyer says, 'What's the difference?'

Irish Garda says, 'The difference is, you have to come to complete stop, that's the law. License and registration, please!'

London Lawyer says, 'If you can show me the legal difference between 'slow down' and 'stop', I'll give you my license and registration and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket.'

Irish Garda says, 'Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir.'

The London lawyer exits his vehicle. The Irish Garda takes out his baton and starts beating the **** out of the lawyer with it and says, 'Do you want me to stop, or just slow down?'​

 

[straitman]

Stopped By Police At 2:00 AM!!

An elderly man was stopped by the police around 2 AM and was asked where he was going at that time of night.

The man replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body,
as well as smoking and staying out late."

The officer then asked, "Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?"

The man replied, "That would be my wife."​

 

[Hvr]

Stopped By Police At 2:00 AM!! An elderly man was stopped by the police around 2 AM and was asked where he was going at that time of night. The man replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late." The officer then asked, "Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?" The man replied, "That would be my wife."​

How sweet, your wife waits up for you.

 

[Ikara]

Finally, someone who can tell me why I have to turn my phone off!

(slight language warning).

http://www.collegehumor.com/video/6905768/why-cant-you-use-phones-on-planes

JB

 

[Hvr]

Look at the product being advertised and then the plants:

Mow The Lawn - YouTube

Schick Quattro TrimStyle For Women - YouTube

These tv advertisements were aired in the UK/USA respectively.

 

[straitman]

This is too funny - but I suspect the minister didn't appreciate it.

A minister was completing a temperance sermon. With great emphasis he said,
'If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river.'

With even greater emphasis he said,

'And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river.'

And then finally, shaking his fist in the air, he said,
'And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river.'

Sermon complete, he sat down...

The song leader stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, nearly laughing, 'For our closing song, let us sing Hymn #365,
'Shall We Gather at the River.'


Smile - life is too short not to!!

If this brightened your day
Don't let it stop here
Pass it on with a smile.

Keep spreading the Cheer.
See you at the river!

Bring your own glass!

 

[QF WP]

Just witnessed a tradie coming down a hill and heard him accelerate. Then I saw a motorcycle cop change lanes about 100m behind him (into his lane). It was then obvious that the lights had changed and that at the last minute the tradie must have been the cop in his rear vision - because the screech of brakes and smoke were very evident. He managed to pull up just past the full line and that was no mean feat! The cop then rolled up beside him and they must have exchanged pleasantries

 

[markis10]

Just witnessed a tradie coming down a hill and heard him accelerate. Then I saw a motorcycle cop change lanes about 100m behind him (into his lane). It was then obvious that the lights had changed and that at the last minute the tradie must have been the cop in his rear vision - because the screech of brakes and smoke were very evident. He managed to pull up just past the full line and that was no mean feat! The cop then rolled up beside him and they must have exchanged pleasantries

Love it, week or so ago was outside work when a yum cha rice machine turned right and put the foot down, as he dissapeared over the railway bridge, xr6 waiting at the lights lit up like a xmas tree and gave chase

 

[Major]

A Kiwi and an Australian go to a pastry shop.

The Kiwi whisks three cookies into his pocket with lightning speed.
The baker doesn’t notice.

The Kiwi says to the Australian:
"You see how clever we are? You’ll never beat that!"

The Australian says to the Kiwi:
"Watch this, an Australian is always cleverer than a Kiwi."

He says to the baker,
"Give me a cookie, I can show you a magic trick!"

The baker gives him the cookie which the Australian promptly eats.
Then he says to the baker:
"Give me another cookie for my magic trick."

The baker is getting suspicious but he gives it to him.

He eats this one too.

Then he says again:
"Give me one more cookie... "

The baker is getting angry now but gives him one anyway.

The Australian eats this one too.

Now the baker is really mad, and he yells:
"And where is your famous magic trick?"

The Australian says:

"Look in the Kiwi’s pocket!"

 

[Ikara]

Just witnessed a tradie coming down a hill and heard him accelerate. Then I saw a motorcycle cop change lanes about 100m behind him (into his lane). It was then obvious that the lights had changed and that at the last minute the tradie must have been the cop in his rear vision - because the screech of brakes and smoke were very evident. He managed to pull up just past the full line and that was no mean feat! The cop then rolled up beside him and they must have exchanged pleasantries

Driving up Anzac Highway on Sunday in the middle lane. Car in front with four young women in it, all on their mobile phones. I'm sitting behind them mumbling to myself about idiot drivers when a Commodore swerved out of the right hand lane and cuts me off. I'm just about to start abusing him when he lit up like a Xmas tree (a red & blue Xmas tree!). I'm guessing the conversation in the car went something like this..
Driver: "Hang on Mary, there's a cop car behind me with all his flashing lights on. I'd better get out of his way!" Duh.

She pulls into right hand lane and he follows and turns on the siren. She then works it out and makes her way to the left hand lane and stops!

Bloody priceless!

JB

 

[Ikara]

Mymobile phone and ipad are no good - I put them in airplane mode and threw themin the air and they just fell straight back down.
Might get them replaced.

JB

 

[Ikara]

Now you see it, now you don't!

JB

 

[markis10]

The Brisbane City Council wishes to advise that from today, all of its council operated bus timetables will now be located in the fiction section.

 

[docjames]

Driving up Anzac Highway on Sunday in the middle lane. Car in front with four young women in it, all on their mobile phones. I'm sitting behind them mumbling to myself about idiot drivers when a Commodore swerved out of the right hand lane and cuts me off. I'm just about to start abusing him when he lit up like a Xmas tree (a red & blue Xmas tree!). I'm guessing the conversation in the car went something like this..
Driver: "Hang on Mary, there's a cop car behind me with all his flashing lights on. I'd better get out of his way!" Duh.

She pulls into right hand lane and he follows and turns on the siren. She then works it out and makes her way to the left hand lane and stops!

Bloody priceless!

JB

Guy next to us at traffic light, looking at mobile phone. Turn arrow goes green, driver doesn't look up, big queue of cars behind, driver finally looks up, sees light going, realises big queue behind him, light now yellow so nails it (tyre screech and all).

Just slow enough to get his photo taken by the red light camera.

Classic.

 

[anat0l]

So obviously not fast enough to cross the stop line before the light turned red.

Epic fail.

 

[docjames]

So obviously not fast enough to cross the stop line before the light turned red.

Epic fail.

Agreed. It was awesome!

 

[coyote25]

Finally, someone who can tell me why I have to turn my phone off!

(slight language warning).

http://www.collegehumor.com/video/6905768/why-cant-you-use-phones-on-planes

JB

Loved the end with the flight attendant using her phone

 

[QF WP]

Two old Navy Officers are getting very drunk at the Officers' Mess when suddenly one of 'em throws up all over himself.

"Damn, now my wife will kill me!"

His mate says, "Don't worry. Just tuck a twenty in your breast pocket and tell your wife that someone threw up on you and gave you twenty dollars to have it dry-cleaned."

So they stay for another couple of hours and get even drunker. Eventually they stumble out and go home and this guy's wife starts to tear him a new one.

"You reek of alcohol and you've puked all over yourself! My God, you're disgusting!"

Speaking very carefully so as not to slur his words, he says, "Now way a mint, I can splain everthin. Ish snot wha chew think. I only had a cupla drrrinks. But thish damn RAAFie ga ssick on me. He had one too manee and he juss koudin hold hizz booze. He said hes was verrry sorry an' gave me twennie bucks for the cleanin bill!"

His wife looks in the breast pocket and says, "But this is forty bucks."

"Oh yeah, I almos' fergot, he shhhit in my pants, too."

 

[QF WP]

I had him in my sights....but I just couldn't pull the trigger!



and then I thought, "damn it - that's how I'd wanna go!”