JohnM
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A bit of humour
- Thread starter Maca44
- Start date
.
Bundy Bear
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Being Father's Day I thought this was a rather funny, it was the wrapping for a Father's Day gift that a friend received a few days ago.
Wrapped inside was underwear, remember the old line socks and or jocks and this one goes a bit further, but your own beer like everyone else.
Wrapped inside was underwear, remember the old line socks and or jocks and this one goes a bit further, but your own beer like everyone else.
codash1099
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A new blonde stewardess began her first day. The route they were flying required that they make a stop in another city for the night. Soon after their arrival the captain showed all the flight attendants to their rooms.
The next morning the pilot was preparing everyone to leave, and he noticed his new flight attendant was missing.
He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up, as he was wondering what happened to her. She answered the phone, sobbing. "I can't get out of my room!"
“You can’t get out of your room?” the captain asked, “Why not?”
The stewardess replied, “There are only three doors in here,” she cried, “one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says, ‘Do Not Disturb’!”
Ikara
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The Miracle!
Murphy drops some buttered toast on the kitchen floor. It lands butter-side up.
He looks at what he has done in astonishment, for he knows it’s a law of nature that
buttered toast always falls butter-side down.
He rushes round to the presbytery to fetch the priest.
He tells the priest that he thinks a miracle has happened round at his flat.
He won’t say what it is but wants Fr Flannagan to see it with his own eyes.
He brings Fr Flannagan into the kitchen and asks him what he sees on the floor.
“Well,” says the priest, “it’s pretty obvious what we have here. Someone dropped
some buttered toast, and then for some reason flipped it over so that the butter was
on top.”
“No, Father, I dropped it and it landed like that.”
“Well,” Fr Flannagan says, “it’s certainly a natural law of the universe that dropped
toast never falls butter-side up. But it’s not for me to say it’s a miracle. I’ll report the
matter to the Bishop, and have him send people round, to interview you, take photos, etc.”
An investigation of some rigour is conducted, not only by priests of the diocese,
but by scientists sent from the Curia in Rome . The final ruling is a negative, however. It reads:
“It was certainly an extraordinary event that occurred in Murphy’s room, quite
outside the normal run of the phenomena. Yet we have to be very cautious before
ruling any happening miraculous, ruling out all possible natural explanations. In this
case we have declared no miracle. For it possibly resulted from Murphy's having
buttered the toast on the wrong side."
Murphy drops some buttered toast on the kitchen floor. It lands butter-side up.
He looks at what he has done in astonishment, for he knows it’s a law of nature that
buttered toast always falls butter-side down.
He rushes round to the presbytery to fetch the priest.
He tells the priest that he thinks a miracle has happened round at his flat.
He won’t say what it is but wants Fr Flannagan to see it with his own eyes.
He brings Fr Flannagan into the kitchen and asks him what he sees on the floor.
“Well,” says the priest, “it’s pretty obvious what we have here. Someone dropped
some buttered toast, and then for some reason flipped it over so that the butter was
on top.”
“No, Father, I dropped it and it landed like that.”
“Well,” Fr Flannagan says, “it’s certainly a natural law of the universe that dropped
toast never falls butter-side up. But it’s not for me to say it’s a miracle. I’ll report the
matter to the Bishop, and have him send people round, to interview you, take photos, etc.”
An investigation of some rigour is conducted, not only by priests of the diocese,
but by scientists sent from the Curia in Rome . The final ruling is a negative, however. It reads:
“It was certainly an extraordinary event that occurred in Murphy’s room, quite
outside the normal run of the phenomena. Yet we have to be very cautious before
ruling any happening miraculous, ruling out all possible natural explanations. In this
case we have declared no miracle. For it possibly resulted from Murphy's having
buttered the toast on the wrong side."
Major
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Thought you gardeners would enjoy this conversation between God and
St. Francis.
GOD:
Frank, you know all about gardens and nature. What in the world is
going on down there on the planet? What happened to the dandelions,
violets, milkweeds and stuff I started eons ago? I had a perfect
no-maintenance garden plan. Those plants grow in any type of soil,
withstand drought and multiply with abandon. The nectar from the
long-lasting blossoms attracts butterflies, honey bees and flocks of
songbirds. I expected to see a vast garden of colors by now. But, all
I see are these green rectangles.
St. FRANCIS:
It's the tribes that settled there, Lord. The Suburbanites. They
started calling your flowers 'weeds' and went to great lengths to kill
them and replace them with grass.
GOD:
Grass? But, it's so boring. It's not colorful. It doesn't attract
butterflies, birds and bees; only grubs and sod worms. It's sensitive
to temperatures. Do these Suburbanites really want all that grass growing there?
ST. FRANCIS:
Apparently so, Lord. They go to great pains to grow it and keep it
green. They begin each spring by fertilizing grass and poisoning any
other plant that crops up in the lawn.
GOD:
The spring rains and warm weather probably make grass grow really
fast. That must make the Suburbanites happy.
ST. FRANCIS:
Apparently not, Lord. As soon as it grows a little, they cut
it-sometimes twice a week.
GOD:
They cut it? Do they then bale it like hay?
ST. FRANCIS:
Not exactly, Lord. Most of them rake it up and put it in bags.
GOD:
They bag it? Why? Is it a cash crop? Do they sell it?
ST. FRANCIS:
No, Sir, just the opposite. They pay to throw it away.
GOD:
Now, let me get this straight. They fertilize grass so it will grow.
And, when it does grow, they cut it off and pay to throw it away?
ST. FRANCIS:
Yes, Sir.
GOD:
These Suburbanites must be relieved in the summer when we cut back on
the rain and turn up the heat. That surely slows the growth and saves
them a lot of work.
ST. FRANCIS:
You aren't going to believe this, Lord. When the grass stops growing
so fast, they drag out hoses and pay more money to water it, so they
can continue to mow it and pay to get rid of it.
GOD:
What nonsense. At least they kept some of the trees. That was a sheer
stroke of genius, if I do say so myself. The trees grow leaves in the
spring to provide beauty and shade in the summer. In the autumn, they
fall to the ground and form a natural blanket to keep moisture in the
soil and protect the trees and bushes. It's a natural cycle of life.
ST. FRANCIS:
You better sit down, Lord. The Suburbanites have drawn a new circle.
As soon as the leaves fall, they rake them into great piles and pay to
have them hauled away.
GOD:
No!? What do they do to protect the shrub and tree roots in the winter
to keep the soil moist and loose?
ST. FRANCIS:
After throwing away the leaves, they go out and buy something which
they call mulch. They haul it home and spread it around in place of
the leaves.
GOD:
And where do they get this mulch?
ST. FRANCIS:
They cut down trees and grind them up to make the mulch.
GOD:
Enough! I don't want to think about this anymore. St. Catherine,
you're in charge of the arts. What movie have you scheduled for us
tonight?
ST. CATHERINE:
'Dumb and Dumber', Lord. It's a story about....
GOD:
Never mind, I think I just heard the whole story from St. Francis
St. Francis.
GOD:
Frank, you know all about gardens and nature. What in the world is
going on down there on the planet? What happened to the dandelions,
violets, milkweeds and stuff I started eons ago? I had a perfect
no-maintenance garden plan. Those plants grow in any type of soil,
withstand drought and multiply with abandon. The nectar from the
long-lasting blossoms attracts butterflies, honey bees and flocks of
songbirds. I expected to see a vast garden of colors by now. But, all
I see are these green rectangles.
St. FRANCIS:
It's the tribes that settled there, Lord. The Suburbanites. They
started calling your flowers 'weeds' and went to great lengths to kill
them and replace them with grass.
GOD:
Grass? But, it's so boring. It's not colorful. It doesn't attract
butterflies, birds and bees; only grubs and sod worms. It's sensitive
to temperatures. Do these Suburbanites really want all that grass growing there?
ST. FRANCIS:
Apparently so, Lord. They go to great pains to grow it and keep it
green. They begin each spring by fertilizing grass and poisoning any
other plant that crops up in the lawn.
GOD:
The spring rains and warm weather probably make grass grow really
fast. That must make the Suburbanites happy.
ST. FRANCIS:
Apparently not, Lord. As soon as it grows a little, they cut
it-sometimes twice a week.
GOD:
They cut it? Do they then bale it like hay?
ST. FRANCIS:
Not exactly, Lord. Most of them rake it up and put it in bags.
GOD:
They bag it? Why? Is it a cash crop? Do they sell it?
ST. FRANCIS:
No, Sir, just the opposite. They pay to throw it away.
GOD:
Now, let me get this straight. They fertilize grass so it will grow.
And, when it does grow, they cut it off and pay to throw it away?
ST. FRANCIS:
Yes, Sir.
GOD:
These Suburbanites must be relieved in the summer when we cut back on
the rain and turn up the heat. That surely slows the growth and saves
them a lot of work.
ST. FRANCIS:
You aren't going to believe this, Lord. When the grass stops growing
so fast, they drag out hoses and pay more money to water it, so they
can continue to mow it and pay to get rid of it.
GOD:
What nonsense. At least they kept some of the trees. That was a sheer
stroke of genius, if I do say so myself. The trees grow leaves in the
spring to provide beauty and shade in the summer. In the autumn, they
fall to the ground and form a natural blanket to keep moisture in the
soil and protect the trees and bushes. It's a natural cycle of life.
ST. FRANCIS:
You better sit down, Lord. The Suburbanites have drawn a new circle.
As soon as the leaves fall, they rake them into great piles and pay to
have them hauled away.
GOD:
No!? What do they do to protect the shrub and tree roots in the winter
to keep the soil moist and loose?
ST. FRANCIS:
After throwing away the leaves, they go out and buy something which
they call mulch. They haul it home and spread it around in place of
the leaves.
GOD:
And where do they get this mulch?
ST. FRANCIS:
They cut down trees and grind them up to make the mulch.
GOD:
Enough! I don't want to think about this anymore. St. Catherine,
you're in charge of the arts. What movie have you scheduled for us
tonight?
ST. CATHERINE:
'Dumb and Dumber', Lord. It's a story about....
GOD:
Never mind, I think I just heard the whole story from St. Francis
Bundy Bear
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Perfect for a Friday, it's been doing the rounds of Facebook recently.
eastwest101
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Apologies if has already been posted but seemed more appropriate here than the election thread:
New Element Discovered
The CSIRO announced the discovery of a perverse, perplexing atom. The new element is Governmentium (Gv). It has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lefton-like particles called peons.
Since Governmentium has no electrons or protons, it is inert. However, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A tiny amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction normally taking less than a second to take from four days to four years to complete. Governmentium has a normal half-life of 3-6 years. It does not decay but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places.
In fact, Governmentium’s mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes. This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical morass.
When catalysed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium, an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons. All of the money is consumed in the exchange, and no other byproducts are produced.
New Element Discovered
The CSIRO announced the discovery of a perverse, perplexing atom. The new element is Governmentium (Gv). It has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lefton-like particles called peons.
Since Governmentium has no electrons or protons, it is inert. However, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A tiny amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction normally taking less than a second to take from four days to four years to complete. Governmentium has a normal half-life of 3-6 years. It does not decay but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places.
In fact, Governmentium’s mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes. This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical morass.
When catalysed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium, an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons. All of the money is consumed in the exchange, and no other byproducts are produced.
Major
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Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighbouring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and, if, after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death.
The question?... What do women really want? Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.
He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the princess, the priests, the wise men and even the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer.
Many people advised him to consult the old ugly woman, for only she would have the answer.
But the price would be high; as the woman was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.
The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the old woman. She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her price first.
The old ugly woman wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend!
Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc. He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life.
He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden; but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur.
He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table.
Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the woman answered Arthur's question thus:
What a woman really wants, she answered....is to be in charge of her own life.
Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the woman had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared.
And so it was, the neighbouring monarch granted Arthur his freedom and Lancelot and the ugly woman had a wonderful wedding.
The honeymoon hour approached and Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But, what a sight awaited him. The most beautiful woman he had ever seen lay before him on the bed. The astounded Lancelot asked what had happened.
The young beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared ugly, she would henceforth, be her horrible deformed self only half the time and the beautiful maiden the other half.
Which would he prefer? Beautiful during the day....or night?
Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends; but at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old ugly woman? Or, would he prefer having a hideous woman during the day, but by night, a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous intimate moments?
Noble Lancelot said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself.
Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life.
Now....what is the moral to this story?
The moral is.....
If you don't let a woman have her own way....
Things are going to get ugly...
The question?... What do women really want? Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.
He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the princess, the priests, the wise men and even the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer.
Many people advised him to consult the old ugly woman, for only she would have the answer.
But the price would be high; as the woman was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.
The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the old woman. She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her price first.
The old ugly woman wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend!
Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc. He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life.
He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden; but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur.
He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table.
Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the woman answered Arthur's question thus:
What a woman really wants, she answered....is to be in charge of her own life.
Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the woman had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared.
And so it was, the neighbouring monarch granted Arthur his freedom and Lancelot and the ugly woman had a wonderful wedding.
The honeymoon hour approached and Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But, what a sight awaited him. The most beautiful woman he had ever seen lay before him on the bed. The astounded Lancelot asked what had happened.
The young beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared ugly, she would henceforth, be her horrible deformed self only half the time and the beautiful maiden the other half.
Which would he prefer? Beautiful during the day....or night?
Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends; but at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old ugly woman? Or, would he prefer having a hideous woman during the day, but by night, a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous intimate moments?
Noble Lancelot said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself.
Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life.
Now....what is the moral to this story?
The moral is.....
If you don't let a woman have her own way....
Things are going to get ugly...
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codash1099
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THE BIBLE, THROUGH THE EYES OF A CHILD
Creation
In the beginning, which was close to the start, there wasn't anything except God, darkness and some gas. The Bible says, "The Lord, thy God, is one," but I think He has to be much older than that.
Anyway, God made the world and then He said, "Give me some light," and somebody gave it to Him. He split an atom and made Eve. Adam and Eve didn't wear any clothes, but they weren't embarrassed because God hadn't invented mirrors, yet.
Adam and Eve sinned by eating one bad apple and they were driven out of the Garden of Eden. I'm not sure what God drove them in because He hadn't invented cars, either.
Adam and Eve's son, Cain, hated his brother as long as he was Abel. After a while, all of the first people died, except Methuselah, who lived to be, like, a million years old.
Noah
The next important person was Noah. He was a really good guy, but one of his kids was a Ham. Noah built a big boat in his back yard and put his family and a lot of animals in it. He asked his neighbors to join them, but they said they would have to take a rain check.
Abraham, Isaac, Jacob and Joseph
Next were Abraham, his son Isaac and his grandson Jacob. Esau was Jacob's brother, but Jacob was more famous because Esau sold him his birthmark for some pot roast. Jacob had a son, Joseph. Joseph wore a really loud sports coat.
Moses
Moses was the next important man. His real name was Charlton Heston. Moses led the Israel lights out of Egypt because of the bad Pharaoh. God sent ten plagues on the Egyptians. Some of the plagues were mice, frogs, bugs, lice and no cable.
Every day in the desert, God fed the Israel lights some manicotti. He gave them His "Top Ten" commandments. They were things like: don't lie, don't cheat, don't dance, don't smoke, don't covet your neighbor's stuff (whatever that means). He also told them to humor their fathers and mothers.
Joshua
Moses' best helper was Joshua. He was the first person to use spies. He fought the battle of Geritol. That's when the fence fell down on the town.
David
David came after Joshua. They made him king after he killed a giant with a slingshot.
Solomon
One of David's sons was called Solomon. He had, like, 300 wives and 500 porcupines. They told us in Sunday School that he was a really wise man, but that doesn't sound too wise to me.
Jonah and Other Prophets
After Solomon came a whole lot of major league prophets. Jonah was one of them. He was swallowed by a whale, then barfed up on the beach.
There were some other minor league prophets, but they weren't too important.
The New Testament
When the Old Testament was done, they started the New Testament. Jesus was the Star. He was born in a barn in the town of Bethlehem. I wish I had been born in a barn, too, because then, when my mother says to me, "Close the door. Were you born in a barn?" I could say, "As a matter of fact, I was."
Jesus argued a lot with the Chief Priests and Democrats. He had twelve opossums. Most of them were good, but Judas Asparagus was not. He was so bad, they named a really yucky vegetable after him.
Jesus healed some people and leopards. Then He preached to the Germans on the Mount. But the Chief Priests and Democrats were mad at him and put Him on trial. Pilot was too chicken to stick up for Him, so he just washed his hands.
Jesus died for our sins and came back to life again. He went to heaven, but will come back at the end of the aluminum. We can read about this in the Book of the Revolution. (Author Unknown)
Creation
In the beginning, which was close to the start, there wasn't anything except God, darkness and some gas. The Bible says, "The Lord, thy God, is one," but I think He has to be much older than that.
Anyway, God made the world and then He said, "Give me some light," and somebody gave it to Him. He split an atom and made Eve. Adam and Eve didn't wear any clothes, but they weren't embarrassed because God hadn't invented mirrors, yet.
Adam and Eve sinned by eating one bad apple and they were driven out of the Garden of Eden. I'm not sure what God drove them in because He hadn't invented cars, either.
Adam and Eve's son, Cain, hated his brother as long as he was Abel. After a while, all of the first people died, except Methuselah, who lived to be, like, a million years old.
Noah
The next important person was Noah. He was a really good guy, but one of his kids was a Ham. Noah built a big boat in his back yard and put his family and a lot of animals in it. He asked his neighbors to join them, but they said they would have to take a rain check.
Abraham, Isaac, Jacob and Joseph
Next were Abraham, his son Isaac and his grandson Jacob. Esau was Jacob's brother, but Jacob was more famous because Esau sold him his birthmark for some pot roast. Jacob had a son, Joseph. Joseph wore a really loud sports coat.
Moses
Moses was the next important man. His real name was Charlton Heston. Moses led the Israel lights out of Egypt because of the bad Pharaoh. God sent ten plagues on the Egyptians. Some of the plagues were mice, frogs, bugs, lice and no cable.
Every day in the desert, God fed the Israel lights some manicotti. He gave them His "Top Ten" commandments. They were things like: don't lie, don't cheat, don't dance, don't smoke, don't covet your neighbor's stuff (whatever that means). He also told them to humor their fathers and mothers.
Joshua
Moses' best helper was Joshua. He was the first person to use spies. He fought the battle of Geritol. That's when the fence fell down on the town.
David
David came after Joshua. They made him king after he killed a giant with a slingshot.
Solomon
One of David's sons was called Solomon. He had, like, 300 wives and 500 porcupines. They told us in Sunday School that he was a really wise man, but that doesn't sound too wise to me.
Jonah and Other Prophets
After Solomon came a whole lot of major league prophets. Jonah was one of them. He was swallowed by a whale, then barfed up on the beach.
There were some other minor league prophets, but they weren't too important.
The New Testament
When the Old Testament was done, they started the New Testament. Jesus was the Star. He was born in a barn in the town of Bethlehem. I wish I had been born in a barn, too, because then, when my mother says to me, "Close the door. Were you born in a barn?" I could say, "As a matter of fact, I was."
Jesus argued a lot with the Chief Priests and Democrats. He had twelve opossums. Most of them were good, but Judas Asparagus was not. He was so bad, they named a really yucky vegetable after him.
Jesus healed some people and leopards. Then He preached to the Germans on the Mount. But the Chief Priests and Democrats were mad at him and put Him on trial. Pilot was too chicken to stick up for Him, so he just washed his hands.
Jesus died for our sins and came back to life again. He went to heaven, but will come back at the end of the aluminum. We can read about this in the Book of the Revolution. (Author Unknown)
codash1099
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[FONT=&]My first job was in an orange juice factory, but I couldn’t concentrate on the same old boring rind, so I got canned.[/FONT]
[FONT=&]Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn’t hack it, so they gave me the axe.[/FONT]
[FONT=&]After that, I tried working in a donut shop, but I soon got tired of the hole business.[/FONT]
[FONT=&]I manufactured calendars, but my days were numbered.[/FONT]
[FONT=&]I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn’t suited for it. Mainly because it was a sew-sew job, de-pleating and de-pressing.[/FONT]
[FONT=&]I took a job as an upholsterer, but I never recovered.[/FONT]
[FONT=&]Next I tried working in a car muffler factory, but that was exhausting.[/FONT]
[FONT=&]I took a job as an elevator operator. The job had its ups and downs, and I got the shaft.[/FONT]
[FONT=&]I wanted to be a barber, but I just couldn’t cut it.[/FONT]
[FONT=&]I sold origami, but the business folded.[/FONT] [FONT=&]
I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn’t have enough patients for the job.[/FONT]
[FONT=&]I took a job at UPS, but I couldn’t express myself.[/FONT]
[FONT=&]I next worked in a shoe factory, but I just didn’t fit in.[/FONT]
[FONT=&]They thought I was a loafer, and I got the boot.[/FONT]
[FONT=&]I became a Velcro and Crazy Glue salesman, but couldn’t stick with it.[/FONT]
[FONT=&]I was a professional fisherman, but I couldn’t live on my net income.[/FONT]
[FONT=&]I became a baker, but it wasn’t a cakewalk, and I couldn’t make enough dough.[/FONT]
[FONT=&]I thought about being a historian, but I couldn’t see a future in it.[/FONT]
[FONT=&]I was a masseur for a while, but I rubbed people the wrong way.[/FONT]
[FONT=&]I became a Hawaiian garland maker, but I got leid off.[/FONT]
[FONT=&]I tried being a fireman, but I suffered burnout.[/FONT]
[FONT=&]I became a banker, but I lacked interest and maturity and finally withdrew from the job.[/FONT]
[FONT=&]I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining.[/FONT]
[FONT=&]I got a job at a zoo feeding giraffes, but I was fired because I wasn’t up to it.[/FONT]
[FONT=&]Then I became a personal trainer in a gym, but they said I wasn’t fit for the job.[/FONT]
[FONT=&]Next I was an electrician, but I found the work shocking and revolting, so they discharged me.[/FONT] [FONT=&]
I became a tennis pro, but it wasn’t my racket. I was too high strung.[/FONT]
[FONT=&]I tried being a teacher, but I soon lost my principal, my faculties, and my class.[/FONT]
[FONT=&]I turned to farming, but I wasn’t outstanding in my field.[/FONT]
[FONT=&]Then I was a pilot, but tended to wing it, and I didn’t have the right altitude.[/FONT]
[FONT=&]I worked at Starbucks, but I had to quit because it was always the same old grind.[/FONT]
[FONT=&]So I’ve retired, and I find I’m a perfect fit for this job![/FONT]
[FONT=&]Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn’t hack it, so they gave me the axe.[/FONT]
[FONT=&]After that, I tried working in a donut shop, but I soon got tired of the hole business.[/FONT]
[FONT=&]I manufactured calendars, but my days were numbered.[/FONT]
[FONT=&]I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn’t suited for it. Mainly because it was a sew-sew job, de-pleating and de-pressing.[/FONT]
[FONT=&]I took a job as an upholsterer, but I never recovered.[/FONT]
[FONT=&]Next I tried working in a car muffler factory, but that was exhausting.[/FONT]
[FONT=&]I took a job as an elevator operator. The job had its ups and downs, and I got the shaft.[/FONT]
[FONT=&]I wanted to be a barber, but I just couldn’t cut it.[/FONT]
[FONT=&]I sold origami, but the business folded.[/FONT] [FONT=&]
I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn’t have enough patients for the job.[/FONT]
[FONT=&]I took a job at UPS, but I couldn’t express myself.[/FONT]
[FONT=&]I next worked in a shoe factory, but I just didn’t fit in.[/FONT]
[FONT=&]They thought I was a loafer, and I got the boot.[/FONT]
[FONT=&]I became a Velcro and Crazy Glue salesman, but couldn’t stick with it.[/FONT]
[FONT=&]I was a professional fisherman, but I couldn’t live on my net income.[/FONT]
[FONT=&]I became a baker, but it wasn’t a cakewalk, and I couldn’t make enough dough.[/FONT]
[FONT=&]I thought about being a historian, but I couldn’t see a future in it.[/FONT]
[FONT=&]I was a masseur for a while, but I rubbed people the wrong way.[/FONT]
[FONT=&]I became a Hawaiian garland maker, but I got leid off.[/FONT]
[FONT=&]I tried being a fireman, but I suffered burnout.[/FONT]
[FONT=&]I became a banker, but I lacked interest and maturity and finally withdrew from the job.[/FONT]
[FONT=&]I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining.[/FONT]
[FONT=&]I got a job at a zoo feeding giraffes, but I was fired because I wasn’t up to it.[/FONT]
[FONT=&]Then I became a personal trainer in a gym, but they said I wasn’t fit for the job.[/FONT]
[FONT=&]Next I was an electrician, but I found the work shocking and revolting, so they discharged me.[/FONT] [FONT=&]
I became a tennis pro, but it wasn’t my racket. I was too high strung.[/FONT]
[FONT=&]I tried being a teacher, but I soon lost my principal, my faculties, and my class.[/FONT]
[FONT=&]I turned to farming, but I wasn’t outstanding in my field.[/FONT]
[FONT=&]Then I was a pilot, but tended to wing it, and I didn’t have the right altitude.[/FONT]
[FONT=&]I worked at Starbucks, but I had to quit because it was always the same old grind.[/FONT]
[FONT=&]So I’ve retired, and I find I’m a perfect fit for this job![/FONT]
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whatmeworry
Established Member
- Joined
- Jan 22, 2007
- Posts
- 4,623
[video=youtube_share;k6Lb3kFwJRQ]http://youtu.be/k6Lb3kFwJRQ[/video]
Miley Cyrus versus Star Trek.
Miley Cyrus versus Star Trek.
- Joined
- Apr 27, 2003
- Posts
- 18,616
- Qantas
- LT Gold
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- Platinum
Nothing else to say actually :!:
Major
Established Member
- Joined
- Jan 21, 2011
- Posts
- 4,599
- Qantas
- Bronze
- Virgin
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THE WEDDING TEST
I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me...It was her beautiful younger sister.
My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate. Because she never did it when she was near anyone else.
One day her 'little' sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.
Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.
She said, 'I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.'
I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door.
I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.
To my surprise, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping! With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, 'We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.'
And the moral of this story is:
Always keep your condoms in your car.
I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me...It was her beautiful younger sister.
My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate. Because she never did it when she was near anyone else.
One day her 'little' sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.
Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.
She said, 'I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.'
I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door.
I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.
To my surprise, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping! With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, 'We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.'
And the moral of this story is:
Always keep your condoms in your car.
anat0l
Enthusiast
- Joined
- Dec 30, 2006
- Posts
- 11,669
An oldie but a goodie.
In fact, it's been turned into ads for, you guessed it, condoms [best not viewed at work - not really NSFW but does contain provocative content]:
Trojan Condoms The Test - YouTube
Always keep Condoms in your Car - YouTube
TheEmu
Member
- Joined
- Jun 22, 2012
- Posts
- 483
SOCRATES
Keep this in mind the next time you are about to repeat a rumour or spread gossip.
In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom.
One day an acquaintance ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about Diogenes?"
"Wait a moment," Socrates replied, "Before you tell me I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test."
'Triple filter?" asked the acquaintance.
"That's right," Socrates continued, "Before you talk to me about Diogenes let's take a moment to filter what you're going to say.. The first filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"
"No," the man said, "Actually I just heard about it."
"All right," said Socrates, "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about Diogenes something good?"
"No, on the contrary..."
"So," Socrates continued, "You want to tell me something about Diogenes that may be bad, even though you're not certain it's true?"
The man shrugged, a little embarrassed. Socrates continued, "You may still pass the test though, because there is a third filter, the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about Diogenes going to be useful to me?"
"No, not really."
"Well," concluded Socrates, "If what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even useful, why tell it to me or anyone at all?"
The man was bewildered and ashamed. This is an example of why Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.
It also explains why Socrates never found out that Diogenes was shagging his wife.
Keep this in mind the next time you are about to repeat a rumour or spread gossip.
In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom.
One day an acquaintance ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about Diogenes?"
"Wait a moment," Socrates replied, "Before you tell me I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test."
'Triple filter?" asked the acquaintance.
"That's right," Socrates continued, "Before you talk to me about Diogenes let's take a moment to filter what you're going to say.. The first filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"
"No," the man said, "Actually I just heard about it."
"All right," said Socrates, "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about Diogenes something good?"
"No, on the contrary..."
"So," Socrates continued, "You want to tell me something about Diogenes that may be bad, even though you're not certain it's true?"
The man shrugged, a little embarrassed. Socrates continued, "You may still pass the test though, because there is a third filter, the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about Diogenes going to be useful to me?"
"No, not really."
"Well," concluded Socrates, "If what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even useful, why tell it to me or anyone at all?"
The man was bewildered and ashamed. This is an example of why Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.
It also explains why Socrates never found out that Diogenes was shagging his wife.
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