TheEmu
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A bit of humour
- Thread starter Maca44
- Start date
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Daddy, how was I born?
A little boy goes to his father and asks, "Daddy, how was I born?"
The father answers, "Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway!"
"Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo.
Then I set up a date via email with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe.
We sneaked into a secluded room and googled each other.
There your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive."
"As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered
that neither one of us had used a firewall,
and since it was too late to hit the delete button,
nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said:"
"You have Male"
A little boy goes to his father and asks, "Daddy, how was I born?"
The father answers, "Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway!"
"Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo.
Then I set up a date via email with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe.
We sneaked into a secluded room and googled each other.
There your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive."
"As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered
that neither one of us had used a firewall,
and since it was too late to hit the delete button,
nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said:"
"You have Male"
codash1099
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I really can't afFORD the time to figure that one out!
Try Holden it together!
whatmeworry
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This is a laugh.
[video=youtube_share;uph204r5BZI]http://youtu.be/uph204r5BZI[/video]
[video=youtube_share;uph204r5BZI]http://youtu.be/uph204r5BZI[/video]
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A man wakes up in the hospital bandaged from head to foot.
The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now
you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the freeway.
You're going to be ok, you'll walk again and everything, but your cough was
severed in the accident and we couldn't find it."
The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You have $9,000 in insurance
compensation coming and we now have the technology to build a new cough.
They work great but they don't come cheap. It's roughly $1,000 an inch."
The man perks up.
"So," the doctor says, "You must decide how many inches you want. But I
understand that you have been married for over thirty years and this is
something you should discuss with your wife. If you had a five incher before
and get a nine incher now she might be a bit put out. If you had a nine
incher before and you decide to only invest in a five incher now, she might
be disappointed. It's important that she plays a role in helping you make a
decision."
The man agrees to talk it over with his wife.
The doctor comes back the next day, "So, have you spoken with your wife?"
"Yes I have," says the man.
"And has she helped you make a decision?"
"Yes" says the man.
"What is your decision?" asks the doctor.
"We're getting a new kitchen."
The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now
you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the freeway.
You're going to be ok, you'll walk again and everything, but your cough was
severed in the accident and we couldn't find it."
The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You have $9,000 in insurance
compensation coming and we now have the technology to build a new cough.
They work great but they don't come cheap. It's roughly $1,000 an inch."
The man perks up.
"So," the doctor says, "You must decide how many inches you want. But I
understand that you have been married for over thirty years and this is
something you should discuss with your wife. If you had a five incher before
and get a nine incher now she might be a bit put out. If you had a nine
incher before and you decide to only invest in a five incher now, she might
be disappointed. It's important that she plays a role in helping you make a
decision."
The man agrees to talk it over with his wife.
The doctor comes back the next day, "So, have you spoken with your wife?"
"Yes I have," says the man.
"And has she helped you make a decision?"
"Yes" says the man.
"What is your decision?" asks the doctor.
"We're getting a new kitchen."
mrs.dr.ron
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A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered her altitude and spotted a man in a boat below. She shouted to him,
"Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."
The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, "You're in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above ground elevation of 2,346 feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes south latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude.
She rolled her eyes and said, "You must be a Liberal Coalition supporter”.
"I am," replied the man. "How did you know?"
"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct. But I have no idea what to do with your information, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help to me."
The man smiled and responded, "You must be a Labor supporter."
"I am," replied the balloonist. "How did you know?"
"Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are -- or where you are going. You've risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. You're in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but somehow, now it's my fault."
"Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."
The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, "You're in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above ground elevation of 2,346 feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes south latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude.
She rolled her eyes and said, "You must be a Liberal Coalition supporter”.
"I am," replied the man. "How did you know?"
"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct. But I have no idea what to do with your information, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help to me."
The man smiled and responded, "You must be a Labor supporter."
"I am," replied the balloonist. "How did you know?"
"Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are -- or where you are going. You've risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. You're in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but somehow, now it's my fault."
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anat0l
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This is a popular joke, but I've usually heard it with "IT" or "engineering" replacing the "Liberal / Coalition supporter", and "management" replacing the "Labor supporter".
anat0l
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Two monks were sat at a table in a tavern. In accordance with their rules of conduct, at that time they were not allowed to eat meat, and as per their life as monks, they were allowed to eat whatever generous people offered them as they travelled.
The barkeep came over and placed on the table a plate of bread and a plate of chicken. A crafty merchant notices this and quickly approaches the table and seats himself.
"If my memory serves me correctly, you monks are not allowed to eat meat?"
The monks nodded and confessed this was true. So the merchant ends up eating the chicken and the monks eat the bread.
The monks and the merchant happen to be heading towards the same town, so they head off together before they arrive at a wide and moderately deep river. Because the monks travelled without shoes and the merchant did not want to get his shoes or clothes wet, one of the monks offered to carry the merchant on his back across the river. The monk with the merchant just got to the middle of the river when he suddenly remembered one of the monk rules.
He asks the merchant, "Do you have any money on you?"
"Do you think a merchant travels without money?"
"Alas!" exclaims the monk, "Our rules forbid us to carry money!"
With this, he threw the merchant into the river.
The barkeep came over and placed on the table a plate of bread and a plate of chicken. A crafty merchant notices this and quickly approaches the table and seats himself.
"If my memory serves me correctly, you monks are not allowed to eat meat?"
The monks nodded and confessed this was true. So the merchant ends up eating the chicken and the monks eat the bread.
The monks and the merchant happen to be heading towards the same town, so they head off together before they arrive at a wide and moderately deep river. Because the monks travelled without shoes and the merchant did not want to get his shoes or clothes wet, one of the monks offered to carry the merchant on his back across the river. The monk with the merchant just got to the middle of the river when he suddenly remembered one of the monk rules.
He asks the merchant, "Do you have any money on you?"
"Do you think a merchant travels without money?"
"Alas!" exclaims the monk, "Our rules forbid us to carry money!"
With this, he threw the merchant into the river.
codash1099
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George Carlin - Airline Announcements
WARNING George Carlin laces his performance with LOTS of OFFENSIVE LANGUAGE
George Carlin - Airline Announcements - Video Dailymotion
WARNING George Carlin laces his performance with LOTS of OFFENSIVE LANGUAGE
George Carlin - Airline Announcements - Video Dailymotion
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What deep thinkers men are ... I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer. The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking.
My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing and I said 'nothing'. The reason I said that instead of saying 'just thinking' is because she would have said 'about what'.
At that point I would have to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics which would lead to other questions.
Finally I thought about an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts? Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts.
Well, after another beer, and some heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with the answer to that question.
Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby; and here is the reason for my conclusion.
A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child." On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts." I rest my case.
Time for another beer
My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing and I said 'nothing'. The reason I said that instead of saying 'just thinking' is because she would have said 'about what'.
At that point I would have to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics which would lead to other questions.
Finally I thought about an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts? Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts.
Well, after another beer, and some heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with the answer to that question.
Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby; and here is the reason for my conclusion.
A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child." On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts." I rest my case.
Time for another beer
anat0l
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What do you call a deer with no eyes? No idea.
What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs? Still no idea.
What do you call cattle with only two legs? Lean beef.
What do you call cattle with no legs? Ground beef.
- thanks to Karl Stefanovic and the Today Show Australia team
What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs? Still no idea.
What do you call cattle with only two legs? Lean beef.
What do you call cattle with no legs? Ground beef.
- thanks to Karl Stefanovic and the Today Show Australia team
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EU Directive No. 456179
In order to bring about further integration with the Single European
currency, all citizens of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern
Ireland must be made aware that the phrase 'Spending a Penny' is not to be
used after 31st December 2013 ....
From this date onwards, the correct terminology will be:
'Euronating'.
Thank you for your attention.
In order to bring about further integration with the Single European
currency, all citizens of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern
Ireland must be made aware that the phrase 'Spending a Penny' is not to be
used after 31st December 2013 ....
From this date onwards, the correct terminology will be:
'Euronating'.
Thank you for your attention.
Grogan
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What do you call a dog with no legs?
It doesn't matter, he still won't come when you call
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs?
Matt
What do you call someone having a fit in a pile of leaves?
Russell
What you call a man with no arms and no legs in the water?
Bob
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Sanitised somewhat ...
Q. What do you call a deer with no testicl_s? A. "I have no <sanitised> idea".
anat0l
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What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts? Beer nuts are about $1.99; deer nuts are just under a buck.
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He's easy to find though, he's two stone lighter than his colleagues.
Oh and they're cheap, you get two deer nuts per buck.
stewiejp
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.... What do you call a deer with no testicl_s, no eyes, and no legs? Still no .... idea..
(this can go forever)
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