A bit of humour

[TheEmu]

Husband and wife have a huge fight.
Wife rings her mother: "We've just had the biggest fight, I'm leaving him and coming to live with you."
Mother says, "No Darling, he must pay for his mistake. I'm coming to live with you!"

 

[Major]

A very pretty young speech therapist was getting absolutely nowhere with her Stammerer's Action Group.



She had tried every technique in the book, but still they stammered and stuttered.

Finally, totally exasperated, she said "If any of you can tell me where you were born, without stuttering, I will have wild and passionate sex with you until your muscles ache and our eyes water."

The Englishman immediately piped up; "B-b-b-b-b-b-b-irmingham", he said.
"That's no use, Trevor" said the speech therapist, "Who's next?"
The Scotsman raised his hand and blurted out “G-g-g-g-g-g-gl-lasgow”.
"That's no better either, Hamish.

Now, how about you, Paddy?"

The Irishman took a deep breath, counted to 5 and eventually blurted out, "London ".

Brilliant, Paddy! said the speech therapist and immediately set about living up to her promise.

After 15 minutes of exceptionally steamy sex, the couple paused for breath and Paddy said,










...."d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-erry".

 

[ethernet]

What do you call the first Afghan off the boat?
Amhere


What do you call the second Afghan off the boat?

Amhere Azwel

What do you call the third Afghan off the boat?
Amhere Azwell Azhim


What do you call the fourth Afghan off the boat?
Amhere Azwell Azhim Amlafan – I made it to Australia

 

[Major]

A young doctor had moved out to a small community to replace a doctor
who was retiring.

The older doctor suggested that the young one accompany him on his rounds, so the community could become used to a new doctor.

At the first house a woman complains,
"I've been a little sick to my stomach."

The older doctor says, "Well, you've probably been overdoing the fresh fruit.

Why not cut back on the amount you've been eating and see if that does the trick?"

As they left, the younger man said, "You didn't even examine that woman?
How'd you come to the diagnosis so quickly?"

"I didn't have to. You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there? When I bent over to pick it up, I noticed a half dozen banana peels in the trash. That was what probably was making her sick."

"Huh," the younger doctor said.
"Pretty clever. If you don't mind, I think I'll try that at the next house."

Arriving at the next house, they spent several minutes talking with a younger woman.

She said that she just didn't have the energy
she once did and said, "I'm feeling terribly run down lately."

"You've probably been doing too much work for the Church," the younger doctor told her.
"Perhaps you should cut back a bit and see if that helps."

As they left, the elder doctor said, "I know that woman well. Your diagnosis is almost certainly correct, but how did you arrive at it?"

I did what you did at the last house.I dropped my stethoscope and when I bent down to retrieve it, I noticed the vicar under the bed."

 

[codash1099]

[FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot]
Caution: some misogyny

[/FONT][FONT=&quot]***********[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]I was talking to a girl in the bar last night.[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]She said, "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right."[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you."[/FONT][FONT=&quot]

[/FONT][FONT=&quot]***********[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]just by feeling her coughs.[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]"Really" she said, "Go on then...try."[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]After about thirty seconds of fondling her nipples she began to lose patience and said.[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]"Come on, what day was I born"?[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]I said, “Yesterday."[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
***********[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]I got caught taking a pee in the local swimming pool today.[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]***********[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]I went to the pub last night and saw a fat chick dancing on a table.[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]I said, "Great legs."[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]The girl giggled and said with a smile, "Do you really think so."[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]I said "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now. "[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]***********[/FONT]

 

[QF WP]

I’ve received many remarkable nature photographs over the years but this photo of a nesting Falcon is perhaps the most remarkable nature shot that I’ve ever seen.

I hope you enjoy it as much as I did. Nature is truly breath-taking!

 

[TheEmu]

I’ve received many remarkable nature photographs over the years but this photo of a nesting Falcon is perhaps the most remarkable nature shot that I’ve ever seen.

I hope you enjoy it as much as I did. Nature is truly breath-taking!

View attachment 19295

Agreed QF WP, nature is falcon amazing...

 

[Major]

'Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,' the Divorce Court Judge said, 'And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week,'
'That's very fair, your honor,' the husband said.
'And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself.'
___________________________________________

A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took the husband aside, and said,
'I don't like the looks of your wife at all.'
'Me neither doc,' said the husband. 'But she's a great cook and really good with the kids.'
___________________________________________

 

[Hvr]

I’ve received many remarkable nature photographs over the years but this photo of a nesting Falcon is perhaps the most remarkable nature shot that I’ve ever seen.

I hope you enjoy it as much as I did. Nature is truly breath-taking!

Looks like it's in a Holden pattern.

 

[Major]

A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, 'Can you tell me how long it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City?'
The agent replies, 'Just a minute.'
'Thank you,' the blonde says, and hangs up.
___________________________________________

 

[TheEmu]

Looks like it's in a Holden pattern.

A valiant attempt at humour

 

[anat0l]

A valiant attempt at humour

Not really... it's a Holden, not a Chrysler. But I could see where it could be mistaken.

 

[straitman]

A woman takes her 16-year-old daughter to the doctor.

The doctor says "Okay, Mrs. Jones, what's the problem?"

The mother says, "It's my daughter, Debbie . She keeps getting these cravings. She's putting on weight, and is sick most mornings."

The doctor gives Debbie a good examination, then turns to the mother and says, - "Well, I don't know how to tell you this, but your daughter is pregnant - about 4 months, would be my guess."

The mother says, "Pregnant?! She can't be. She has never ever been with a man! Have you Debbie ?"

Debbie says, "No mother! I've never even kissed a man, I'm still a virgin!"

The doctor walked over to the window and just stood there staring out of it. About 5 minutes pass and finally the mother says, "Is there something wrong out there doctor?"

The doctor replies, "No, not really, it's just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the east and 3 wise men came over the hill. And there's no way I'm going to miss it this time!"

 

[anat0l]

I'm sure some people have heard this song before, but what the hell.

It's a native rendition of one of the most common swindles in the world:

Nigeria - Uzodinma Okpechi - I Go Chop Your Dollar - YouTube

Lyrics here: I Go Chop Your Dollars

Mini glossary: mugu = fool; Oyinbo = white (man)

Disclaimers:

• This is not intended to be offensive to those who may have fallen for such a scam.
• The content of this video is not intended to ridicule cultures, reinforce stereotypes, propagate racial hatred, etc.

 

[Major]

SUBJECT: Male Sensitivity Training

Picture, if you can, a room full of pregnant women with their husbands.

A nurse says, "Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you.. Walking is especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier. Just pace yourself, make plenty of stops and try to stay on a soft surface like grass or a path. Gentlemen, remember -- you're both in this together. It wouldn't hurt you to go walking with her. In fact, that shared experience would be good for you both."

The room suddenly became very quiet as the men absorbed this information.

After a few moments a man, name unknown, at the back of the room, slowly raised his hand.

"Yes?" said the Nurse.

"I was just wondering if it would be all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk."

 

[QF WP]

I love those Kiwi’s...a bit of deck humour

D*ck Maintenance - Banned Commercial! - YouTube

 

[Major]

DATING IN THE 60s.
--
Remember those days ?


It was a hot Saturday evening in the summer of 1960, and James had a date with Annabella.

He arrived at her house and rang the bell.

'Oh, come on in!' Annabella's mother said as she welcomed James.

'Have a seat in the sitting room.
Would you like something to drink? Lemonade? Tea?'

'Tea, please,' James said. Mum brought the tea.
'So, what are you and Annabella planning to do tonight?' she asked interestedly.

'Oh, probably go to the flicks and then maybe grab a bite to eat at the coffee bar, perhaps have a walk on the beach afterwards.'

'Annabella likes to screw, you know,' Mum informed him.

'Really?' James gasped, surprised to say the least. 'Oh yes,' mother continued, 'When she goes out with her friends, that's all they do!'

'Is that so?' asked James, incredulously.
' Oh yes,' she said.

'As a matter of fact, she'd screw all night if we let her!'

'Phew! Well, thanks for the tip!' James said as he began thinking about alternative plans for the evening.

A moment later, Annabella came down the stairs looking pretty as a picture, wearing a pink blouse and a hoop skirt and with her hair tied back in a bouncy ponytail.

She greeted James.

'Have fun, kids!' mother said as they left.

Half an hour later, a completely dishevelled Annabella burst into the house and slammed the front door behind her.

'The Twist, Mum!' she yelled angrily to her mother in the kitchen.

'The bloody dance is called the ....Twist!'

 

[amaroo]

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[TR]
[TD="width: 100%"]Police work must be entertaining as well as dangerous.



Recently, a female police officer arrested Patrick Lawrence, a 22 year old white male, fornicating with a pumpkin in the middle of the night. The next day, at the Gwinntt County (GA) courthouse, Lawrence was charged with lewd and lascivious behaviour, public indecency and public intoxication.
The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch on his way home from a drinking session when he decided to stop, 'You know how a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around for miles or at least I thought there wasn't anyone around' he stated.

Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purpose, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his pressing need. 'Guess I was really into it, you know?' he commented with evident embarrassment.
In the process of doing the deed, Lawrence failed to notice an approaching police car and was unaware of his audience until Officer Brenda Taylor approached the side of his car.

'It was an unusual situation, that's for sure,' said Officer Taylor. 'I walked up to Lawrence and he's just banging away at this pumpkin.'

Officer Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence.
'I said: 'Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you're having sex with a pumpkin?'

He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then he looked me straight in the face and said:



'A pumpkin? **** ... is it midnight already?'


The court (and the judge) could not contain their mirth.

The Washington Post wrote an article describing this as: 'Best come-back line ever.'







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[Hvr]

A nice story but it has been doing the rounds for at least 13 years:

snopes.com: Sex with a Pumpkin

http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=21963

 

[Major]

A man is recovering from surgery when the Surgical Nurse appears and asks him how he is feeling.

'I'm O.K. But I didn't like the four letter-words the doctor used in surgery,' he answered.

'What did he say,' asked the nurse.

'Oops