A bit of humour

[Hvr]

I farted on the plane today and four people turned around.

I felt like I was on The Voice!

 

[anat0l]

I farted on the plane today and four people turned around.

I felt like I was on The Voice!

Unlike The Voice, those four people probably weren't bearing a marquee reading, "I Want You!"

 

[QF WP]

I have left the rude ones out:

 

[Hvr]

I have left the rude ones out:

He might be a good cook but he is a horrible bully boss. Sadly his type are seen as acceptable by outsiders but the workers hate them and fear going to work.

Still it is always good to expose bullies, even if it is only so people can avoid his eating establishments.

 

[anat0l]

I have left the rude ones out:
...

Reminds me of a Russell Gilbert short:

"I went to the shop to get some fish'n'chips, then I came back a bit later and said, 'Oi! The fish isn't cooked!' The chef said, 'Well, how would you know?' I yelled, 'Well, it's eaten half me bl**dy chips!'"


Having watched a few episodes of Hell's Kitchen (US), what defies my belief is how often a chef can possibly, incorrectly serve up raw proteins. I'm no chef or even close to a good home cook myself, but most of the people who go on this show are chefs with experience, and they can't cook meat, seafood and what not correctly so it comes out raw?

There's a big difference in cooking shows between US and Australia (e.g. Masterchef). We have a big whinge in Australia when drama is played out between contestants, or when they show an inch of arrogance - e.g. Ashlee and Sophia from MKR, Anthony from Masterchef Professionals. In the US, every single contestant seems to believe their arrogance is a right equivalent to a constitutional amendment. It gets rather sickening to watch them mercilessly defend their actions or mistakes, without even a single iota of humility.

Sorry, that was a bit of a tangent (and a sour one at that).

 

[Hvr]

Unlike The Voice, those four people probably weren't bearing a marquee reading, "I Want You!"

Does an effigy count?

 

[Hvr]

Taken from the SMH.

A Lionssupporter and a Wallabies supporter go to a pastry shop. The Pommy whisks three biscuits into his pocket with lightning speed, without the baker noticing. The Pom says to the Australian: ''You see how clever we are? You'll never beat that!'' The Australian says to the Pom: ''Watch this, an Australian is always more clever (sic) than a Pom.''



Now addressing the baker, the Australian says, ''Sir, give me a biscuit. I can show you a magic trick!'' The baker gives him the biscuit, which the Australian promptly eats. Then he says to the baker: ''Give me another biscuit for my magic trick.'' The baker is getting suspicious but gives it to him. He eats this one, too.


Then he says: ''Give me one more biscuit.'' The baker is getting angry now but gives him one anyway. The Australian eats this one, too. Now the baker is really mad, and yells: ''And where is your famous magic trick?'' The Australian says: ''Look in the Pommy's pocket!''

Read more: Racist names leave a poisonous legacy
​

 

[paxman]

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.

The barman looks at him and says, "Hang on! You're a duck."

"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.

"And you can talk!" exclaims the barman.

"I see your ears are working, too," says the duck. "Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"

"Certainly, sorry about that," says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint. "It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub... What are you doing round this way?"

"I'm working on the building site across the road," explains the duck. "I'm a plasterer."

The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it.

So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.

The same thing happens for two weeks, then one day the circus comes to town. The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him, "You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!"

"Sounds marvellous," says the ringmaster, handing over his business card. "Get him to give me a call."

So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says, "Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money."

"I'm always looking for the next job," says the duck. "Where is it?"

"At the circus," says the barman.

"The circus?" repeats the duck.

"That's right," replies the barman.

"The circus?" the duck asks again. “With the big tent?"

"Yeah," the barman replies.

"With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?" says the duck.

"Of course," the barman replies.

"And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck.

"That's right!" says the barman.

The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says .. . ......









A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.

The barman looks at him and says, "Hang on! You're a duck."

"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.

"And you can talk!" exclaims the barman.

"I see your ears are working, too," says the duck. "Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"

"Certainly, sorry about that," says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint. "It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub... What are you doing round this way?"

"I'm working on the building site across the road," explains the duck. "I'm a plasterer."

The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it.

So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.

The same thing happens for two weeks, then one day the circus comes to town. The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him, "You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!"

"Sounds marvellous," says the ringmaster, handing over his business card. "Get him to give me a call."

So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says, "Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money."

"I'm always looking for the next job," says the duck. "Where is it?"

"At the circus," says the barman.

"The circus?" repeats the duck.

"That's right," replies the barman.

"The circus?" the duck asks again. “With the big tent?"

"Yeah," the barman replies.

"With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?" says the duck.

"Of course," the barman replies.

"And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck.

"That's right!" says the barman.

The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says .. . ......















"What <on earth> would they want with a plasterer??!"

 

[boomy]

Heard it on the news this morning:
"Coca Cola made a new bottle entirely out of ice, but at the moment it's available only in Colombia".

No shortage in demand there I'll say...

 

[Major]

A big game hunter went on a safari with his wife and mother-in-law.

One morning, while still deep in the jungle, the hunter's wife awakened to
find her mother gone.

She woke her husband, and they both set off in search of the old woman.

In a clearing not far from the camp, they came upon a chilling sight. The
mother-in-law was

standing face to face with a ferocious lion.

What are we going to do?" his horrified wife asked.

"Nothing," her husband replied, "The lion got himself into this mess, let
him get himself out of it."

 

[Hvr]

The Irish are due to start military operations in Egypt. They are sending 3 warships, two with sand and one with cement. They will launch a mortar attack...

 

[codash1099]

[FONT=&quot]Police have just released details of a new drug craze that is being carried out in Yorkshire nightclubs. Apparently, Yorkshire club goers have started injecting Ecstasy just above their front teeth.
Police say the dangerous practice is called "e by gum"
.............................................................................
A Yorkshire man takes his cat to the vet.
Yorkshireman: "Ayup, lad, I need to talk to thee about me cat."
Vet: "Is it a tom?"
Yorkshireman: "Nay, I've browt it with us."
.............................................................................
A Yorkshireman's dog dies and as it was a favourite pet he decides to have a gold statue made by a jeweller to remember the dog by.
Yorkshireman: "Can tha mek us a gold statue of yon dog?"
Jeweller: "Do you want it 18 carat?"
Yorkshireman: "No I want it chewin' a bone yer daft bugger!"
.............................................................................[/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]

 

[Foreigner]

The old couple had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting at this same breakfast table together."

"I know," the old man said. "We were probably sitting here naked as a jaybird, too."

"Well," Granny snickered. "Let's relive some old times."

Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat back down at the table.

"You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago."

"I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal."

 

[Foreigner]

A guy goes to a female dentist to have a tooth extracted. She pulled out a large syringe to give an anesthetic shot.

"No way, no needles! I hate needles!" the man said.

So she started to hook up the nitrous oxide tank, and the man said, "I can't do the gas thing. Just the thought of having a mask on my face suffocates me!

The dentist then asked the patient if he had any objections to taking a pill.

"No," he says, "I'm fine with pills."

The dentist gave him two little blue pills and he swallowed them.

"What are those?" he asked.

"cough," she replied.

"I'll be damned," said the patient, "I didn't know cough worked as a pain killer."

"It doesn't," said the dentist, "But it will give you something to hold on to when I pull your tooth."

 

[Hvr]

[h=2]A heart-warming biker story[/h]

Recently a group of bikers were riding on the interstate highway
when they saw a girl about to jump off a high bridge
so they stopped.


David, their leader, a big burly man aged 50, got off his Harley,
walked through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper, and asked,
"What are you doing?


She replied, "I'm going to commit suicide."


While he didn't want to appear "sensitive," he didn't want to miss a
be-a-legend opportunity either so he asked, "Well, before you jump,
why don't you give me a kiss?"

So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and
did just that ... and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed
immediately by another one.

After they finished, David got approval from his biker-buddies, the
onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and said, "Wow! That was the
best kiss I have ever had, Honey! That's a real talent you're wasting,
Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why are you
committing suicide?"



"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."

It's still unclear whether ‘she’ jumped or was pushed

 

[Hvr]

SIMPLE TRUTH #1



Lovers help each other undress before sex.



However after sex, they always dress on their own.



Moral of the story: In life, no one helps you once you're screwed.



SIMPLE TRUTH #2



When a lady is pregnant, all her friends touch the stomach and say, "Congrats".



But, none of them come and touch the man's cough and say, "Good job".



Moral of the story: "Hard work is never appreciated."

 

[Hvr]

[h=2]Irish Doctor's Assistant[/h]

A Doctor wanted time off to go hunting so he asked his assistant to stand in for him.
“Seamus, I am going hunting tomorrow. I don’t want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic
and take care of my patients.”

“Yes, sir!” – answers Seamus.
...
The doctor goes hunting and returns the following day and asks: ”So, Seamus, how was your day?”

Seamus told him that he took care of three patients.

“The first one had a headache so I gave him Tylenol.”

“Bravo, and the second one?” – asks the doctor.

“The second one had stomach burning and I gave him Malox, sir.” – says Seamus.

“Bravo, bravo! You’re good at this and what about the third one?” – asks the doctor.

“Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door opened and a woman entered. Like a flame, she undressed herself, taking off everything including her bra, her panties and lied down on the table. She spread her legs and shouted: “HELP ME! For five years I have not seen any man!”

“ Thundering’ Lard Jayzus, Seamus, what did ye do?” – asks the doctor.

“I put drops in her eyes.” !!!!!​

 

[Hvr]

A Collingwood fan dies on match day and goes to heaven in his black and white top. He knocks on the old pearly gates and out walks St. Peter.

"Hello mate" says St. Peter, "I'm sorry, no Collingwood fans in heaven."
"What ?" exclaims the man, astonished.

"You heard, no Collingwood fans."
"But, but, but, I've been a good man", replies the Collingwood fan.
... "Oh really", says St. Peter. "What have you done, then ?"

"Well" said the guy, "Three weeks before I died, I gave $10 to the starving children in Africa".
"Oh" says St.Peter. "anything else?"

"Well, 2 weeks before I died I also gave $10 to the homeless."
"Hmmm. Anything else?"
"Yeah. A week before I died I gave $10 to the orphanage."

"Okay", said St. Peter, "You wait here a minute while I have a word with the governor."
Ten minutes pass before St. Peter returns. He looks the bloke in the eye and says, "I've had a word with God and he agrees with me.

Here's your $30 back, now sod off".

 

[Hvr]

The definition of aplomb.

His Lordship was in the study at Downton when the butler approached and and coughed discreetly.
"May I ask you a question my Lord?"
"Go ahead Carson " said his Lordship.
"I am doing the crossword in The Times and I have found a word I am
not too clear on"
"What word is that?" said his Lordship.
"Aplomb" my Lord.
"Now that's a difficult one to explain. I would say it is self assurance or complete composure"

"Thank you my Lord, but I'm still a little confused".
"Let me give you an example to make it clearer. Do you remember a few months ago the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge arrived to spend a weekend with us."

" I remember the occasion very well , my Lord. It gave the staff and myself much pleasure to look after them." " Also", continued the Earl of Grantham, " do you remember Will plucked a rose for Kate in the rose garden? "

"I was present on that occasion, my Lord, ministering to their needs"
"While plucking the rose a thorn embedded itself in his thumb very deeply"
Carson replied, "I witnessed the incident my Lord and saw the Duchess herself remove the thorn and bandage his thumb with her own dainty handkerchief."

"That evening the prick on his thumb was so sore, Kate had to cut up his venison from our own estate even though it was extremely tender." "Yes my Lord, I did see everything that transpired that evening."

"The next morning while you were pouring coffee for Her Ladyship, Kate
enquired of Will with a loud voice," "Darling does your prick still throb?"
"You, Carson, did not spill one drop of coffee!

That is aplomb!"

 

[codash1099]

Morris returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has told
him he has only 24 hours to live. Given the prognosis, Morris asks his wife
for sex. Naturally, she agrees, so they make love.
About 6 hrs later, Morris goes to his wife and says, "Honey, you know I now
have only 18 hrs to live. Could we please do it one more time?" Of course,
the wife agrees, and they do it again.
Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realises that he
now has only 8 hrs left. He touches his wife's shoulder and asks, "Honey,
please...just one more time before I die." She says, "Of course, Dear," and
they make love for the third time.
After this session, the wife rolls over and falls to sleep. Morris,
however, worried about his impending death, tosses and turns, until he's
down to 4 more hours. He taps his wife, who rouses. "Honey, I have only 4
more hours. Do you think we could..."
At this point the wife sits up and says, "Listen Morris, I have to get up
in the morning..... you don't."