A bit of humour

[codash1099]

The economy made easy-

SOCIALISM

You have 2 cows.

You give one to your neighbour.



COMMUNISM

You have 2 cows

The State takes both and gives you some milk.



FASCISM

You have 2 cows.

The State takes both and sells you some milk.



BUREAUCRATISM

You have 2 cows.

The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other and then throws the milk away.



TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM

You have two cows.

You sell one and buy a bull.

Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.

You sell them and retire on the income.



VENTURE CAPITALISM

You have two cows.

You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows.

The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company.

The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more.



AN AMERICAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.

Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow has died.



A FRENCH CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You go on strike, organize a riot, and block the roads, because you want three cows.



AN ITALIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows, but you do not know where they are.

You decide to have lunch.



A SWISS CORPORATION

You have 5,000 cows. None of them belong to you.

You charge the owners for storing them.



A CHINESE CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You have 300 people milking them.

You claim that you have full employment and high bovine productivity.

You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.



AN INDIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You worship them.



A BRITISH CORPORATION

You have two cows.

Both are mad.



AN IRAQI CORPORATION

Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.

You tell them that you have none.

Nobody believes you, so they bomb the cough out of you and invade your country.

You still have no cows but at least you are now a Democracy.



AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.

Business seems pretty good.

You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.



A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION

You have two cows.

The one on the left looks very attractive.



A GREEK CORPORATION

You have two cows borrowed from French and German banks.

You eat both of them.

The banks call to collect their milk, but you cannot deliver so you call the IMF.

The IMF loans you two cows.

You eat both of them.

The banks and the IMF call to collect their cows/milk.

You are out getting a haircut.



AN IRISH CORPORATION
You have two cows
One of them's a horse!

Very clever update!

 

[Major]

An oldie but a goldie!

A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two people show up.
One is a good looking older retired golfer in his late sixties and the other
is a gorgeous blonde in her mid-twenties.

The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This
is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you two had better be good
or you're history, here is your equipment -- chair, whip and a gun. Who
wants to try out first?"

The girl says, "I'll go first."

She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into
the lion's cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge
her. About half way there, she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful
naked body.

The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and
starts licking her feet and ankles. He continues to lick and kiss her
entire body for several minutes and then rests his head at her feet.

The circus owner's jaw is on the floor.

He says, "I've never seen a display like that in my life." He then
turns to the retired golfer and asks, "Can you top that?"

The tough old golfer replies, "No problem, just get that lion out of
the way".

 

[Major]

Subject: Aussie Bloke

A plane passed through a severe storm. The turbulence was awful, and things
went from bad to worse when one wing was struck by lightening.

One woman lost it completely. She stood up in the front of the plane and
screamed, 'I'm too young to die,' she cried.
Then she yelled, 'If I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be
memorable! Is there anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?'


For a moment, there was silence. Everyone stared at the desperate woman in
the front of the plane. Then a dinkum Aussie stood up in the rear of the
plane.


He was handsome, tall, well built, with dark brown hair and hazel eyes.
Slowly, he started to walk up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt as he went,
one button at a time. No one moved. He removed his shirt. Muscles rippled
across his chest. She gasped.....



Then, he spoke

...'Iron this will you -- and then get me a beer'

 

[JohnM]

CORPORATE ZODIACS

Astrology tells us about you and your future simply
by your birthday.
The Chinese Zodiac uses the year of your birth.
Well, the Corporate Zodiac goes a step further:
simply by your job title, people will have you all
figured out...

MARKETING: You are ambitious yet stupid.You chose
a marketing degree to avoid having to study in college,
concentrating instead on drinking and socializing -
which is pretty much what your job responsibilities
are now. Least compatible with Sales.

SALES: Laziest of all signs, often referred to as
"marketing without a degree", you are also self-centered
and paranoid. Unless someone calls you and begs you to
take their money, you like to avoid contact with
"customers" so you can "concentrate on the big picture".
You seek admiration for your golf game throughout your
life.

TECHNOGEEK: Unable to control anything in your personal
life, you are instead content to completely control
everything that happens at your workplace. Often even
YOU don't understand what you are saying, but who the
heck can tell?! It is written that the Geeks shall
inherit the Earth.

ENGINEERING: One of only two signs that actually studied
in school,it is said that ninety percent of all Personal
Ads are placed by engineers. You can be happy with
yourself: your office is typically full of all the latest
"ergodynamic" gadgets. However, we all know what is
really causing your "carpal tunnel"...

ACCOUNTING: The only other sign that studied in school,
you are mostly immune from office politics. You are the
most feared person in the organization; combined with
your extreme organizational traits, the majority of
rumors concerning you say that you are completely
insane.

HUMAN RESOURCES: Ironically, given your access to
confidential information, you tend to be the biggest
gossip within the organization.Possibly the only other
person that does less work than marketing,you are unable
to return any calls today because you have to get a
haircut, have lunch, AND mail a letter!

MIDDLE MANAGEMENT/ DEPARTMENT MANAGEMENT/
"TEAM LEADS":
Catty, cut-throat, yet completely spineless, you are
destined to remain at your current job for the rest
of your life. Unable to make a single decision you tend
to measure your worth by the number of meetings you can
schedule for yourself.Best suited to marry other "Middle
Managers",as everyone in your social circle is a
"Middle Manager".

SENIOR MANAGEMENT: Catty, cut-throat, yet completely
spineless,you are destined to remain at your current job
for the rest of your life.Unable to make a single decision,
you tend to measure your worth by the number of meetings
you can schedule for yourself.
Best suited to marry other "Senior Managers", as everyone
in your social circle is a "Senior Manager".

CUSTOMER SERVICE: Bright, cheery, positive, you are a
fifty-cent cab ride from taking your own life. As a
child very few of you asked parents for a little cubicle
for your room and a headset so you could pretend to play
"Customer Service". Continually passed over for promotions,
your best bet is to sleep with your manager.

 

[codash1099]

[FONT=&quot]A wife, being the romantic sort, sent her husband a text: “If you are[/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile.[/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking send me a sip. If[/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]you are crying, send me your tears. I love you![/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]The husband, typically non[/FONT][FONT=&quot] - [/FONT][FONT=&quot]romantic, replied, “I am on the dunny. Please advise."[/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]

 

[Major]

What is Celibacy?

Celibacy can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by circumstances.
While attending a Marriage Weekend, my wife and I, listened to
the instructor declare; 'It is essential that husbands and wives know the
things that are important to each other.."
He then addressed the men,
'Can you name and describe your wife's favorite flower?'
I leaned over, touched my wife's hand gently, and whispered,
White Wings Self-Raising Flour, isn't it?

And thus began my life of celibacy....

 

[markis10]

Kurt Braunohler pulled a sky-high prank in Los Angeles. Picture: Robyn Von Swank/Twitter

Read more: 'How do I land?' Comedian Kurt Braunohler takes his pranks sky-high | News.com.au
​

 

[Major]

Old Butch

Fred was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young 'pullets,' and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.

He kept records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.

This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them to his roosters.

Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing.

Now, he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.

Fred's favourite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen, but this morning he noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all!

When he went to investigate, he saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.

To Fred's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring.

He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.

Fred was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Brisbane City Show and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.

The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the "No Bell Piece Prize," but they also awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as well.

Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making. Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the unsuspecting populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.

 

[drron]

This one is only suitable for right wing red necks.:shock:
Julia Gillard - We Got Screwed, Babe! - Parody - YouTube

 

[Major]

A Hell of a Day



I was sitting there at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to me,

grabs MY drink and just gulps it all down, in one swig.

"Well, whatcha' gonna do about it?" He says menacingly, as I burst into tears.

"This is the worst day of my life," I say. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting, and my boss fired me.

When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen, and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home.

I found my wife with another man... and then my dog bit me. So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all.


"I buy a drink, I drop a cyanide capsule in, and I sit here watching the poison dissolve…


and then you show up and drink the whole damn thing! But enough about me, how are you doing?"

 

[ckelly10]

Those of us old enough to remember Abbott and Costello or have ever seen their "Who's on First" routine should appreciate this. A new take on Abbott and Costello with Costello wanting to buy a Computer from Abbott.

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den, and I'm thinking about buying a computer.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.
ABBOTT: Your computer?
COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.
ABBOTT: What about Windows?
COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with windows?
COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look in the windows?
ABBOTT: Wallpaper.
COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.
ABBOTT: Software for windows?
COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals,track expenses and run my business. What have you got?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
ABBOTT: I just did.
COSTELLO: You just did what?
ABBOTT: Recommend something.
COSTELLO: You recommended something?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: For my office?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!
ABBOTT: I recommend office with windows.
COSTELLO: I already have an office and it has windows! OK, lets just say, I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?
ABBOTT: Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: Word in Office.
COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows
ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W."
COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "w" if you don't start with some straight answers. OK, forget that. Can I watch movies on the Internet?
ABBOTT: Yes, you want Real One.
COSTELLO: Maybe a real one, maybe a cartoon. What I watch is none of your business. Just tell me what I need!
ABBOTT: Real One.
COSTELLO: If it's a long movie I also want to see reel 2, 3 & 4. Can I watch them?
ABBOTT: Of course.
COSTELLO: Great, with what?
ABBOTT: Real One.
COSTELLO: OK, I'm at my computer and I want to watch a movie. What do I do?
ABBOTT: You click the blue "1."
COSTELLO: I click the blue one what?
ABBOTT: The blue "1."
COSTELLO: Is that different from the blue w?
ABBOTT: The blue 1 is Real One and the blue W is Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: But there's three words in "office for windows"!
ABBOTT: No, just one. but its the most popular Word in the world.
COSTELLO: It is?
ABBOTT: Yes, but to be fair, there aren't many other Words left. It pretty much wiped out all the other Words out there.
COSTELLO: And that word is real one?
ABBOTT: Real One has nothing to do with Word. Real One isn't even Part of Office.
COSTELLO: Stop! Don't start that again. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?
ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.
COSTELLO: What's bundled to my computer?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?
ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.
COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?
ABBOTT: One copy.
COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?
ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy money.
COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?
ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!
(LATER)
COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off??
ABBOTT: Click on "START"..........

hahaha love this......

 

[QF WP]

Couple of golf quotes to brighten the day:

When I die, bury me on the golf course, so my husband will visit. -- Author Unknown

I don't say my golf game is bad, but if I grew tomatoes they'd come up sliced. -- Author Unknown

I've spent most of my life golfing. The rest I've just wasted. -- Author Unknown

They call it golf because all the other four-letter words were taken. -- Raymond Floyd

The ardent golfer would play Mount Everest if somebody would put a flag stick on top. -- Pete Dye (His golf courses reflect this belief!)

Golf is played by twenty million mature American men whose wives think they are out having fun. -- Jim Bishop

It took me seventeen years to get three thousand hits in baseball. I did it in one afternoon on the golf course. -- Hank Aaron

Golf – a game played by white men dressed like black pimps. -- Author Unknown

Golf is a game in which you yell "fore," shoot six, and write down five. -- Paul Harvey

Give me golf clubs, fresh air and a beautiful partner, and you can keep the clubs and the fresh air. -- Jack Benny

Have you ever noticed what ‘golf’ spells backwards? -- Al Boliska

The only time my prayers are never answered is on the golf course. -- Billy Graham

Reverse every natural instinct and do the opposite of what you are inclined to do, and you will probably come very close to having a perfect golf swing. -- Ben Hogan

Go play golf. Go to the golf course. Hit the ball. Find the ball. Repeat until the ball is in the hole. Have fun. The end. -- Chuck Hogan

If you think it's hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball. -- Jack Lemmon

It's good sportsmanship to not pick up lost golf balls while they are still rolling. -- Mark Twain

Don't play too much golf. Two rounds a day are plenty. -- Harry Vardon

Golf is a game in which one endeavors to control a ball with implements ill adapted for the purpose. -- Woodrow Wilson

A golfer's diet: Live on greens as much as possible . -- Author Unknown

Gone golfin' ... be back about dark-thirty. -- Author Unknown

Born to golf. Forced to work. -- Author Unknown

My body is here, but my mind has already teed off . -- Author Unknown

Golf and sex are the only things you can enjoy without being good at either of them. -- Jimmy DeMaret

May thy ball lie in green pastures .... and not in still waters. -- Author Unknown

If I hit it right, it's a slice. If I hit it left, it's a hook. If I hit it straight, it's a miracle. -- Author Unknown

The difference in golf and government is that in golf you can't improve your lie. -- George Deukmejian

Golf is a game invented by the same people who think music comes out of bagpipes. -- Author Unknown


Chapter 1) How to Properly Line Up Your Fourth Putt
Chapter 2) How to Hit a Maxfli ball from the Rough When You Just Hit a Titleist from the Tee
Chapter 3) How to Get More Distance off the Shank
Chapter 4) When to Give the Curator the Finger
Chapter 5) Proper Excuses for Drinking Beer Before 9:00 a.m
Chapter 6) How to Find That Ball That Everyone Else Saw Go in the Water
Chapter 7) How to Relax When You Are Hitting Three off the Tee
Chapter 8) How to Relax When You Are Hitting Five off the Tee
Chapter 9) When to Suggest Major Swing Corrections to Your Opponent

The book also includes the latest GOLF TERMS

• A Paris Hilton - an expensive hole

• A Diego Maradona - a very nasty 5 footer

• A Salman Rushdie - an impossible read

• A Rock Hudson - thought it was straight, but it wasn't

• A Cuban - needs one more revolution

• An Elton John - a big bender that lips the rim

• An Adolf Hitler - two shots in the bunker

• A Yasser Arafat - ugly and in the sand

• A Kate Winslett - a bit flat but otherwise perfect

• A Kate Moss - bit thin

• A Gerry Adams - playing a Provisional

• A Rodney King - over- clubbed

• An O. J. Simpson - got away with it

• A Princess Grace - should have taken a driver

• A Princess Di - shouldn't have taken a driver

• A Ladyboy - looks like an easy hole but all is not what it seems

• An elephant's cough - high and ****ty

• A condom - safe but didn't feel real good

• A circus tent - a BIG top

• A sister-in-law - up there but I know that I shouldn't be

 

[mrs.dr.ron]

 

[serfty]

I tried to fix the link (https->http) but to no avail ...

 

[oz_mark]

I tried to fix the link (https->http) but to no avail ...

Is there something missing?

 

[anat0l]

Is there something missing?

Yeah. The humour.




Just kidding.... :mrgreen:

 

[serfty]

Is there something missing?

- for those of us using ad block maybe ... disabling it reveals the image ...

 

[Hvr]

Some Irish humour:

Definition of an Irish husband:
He hasn't kissed his wife for twenty years, but he will kill any man who does.​

---------------------------------------------------------------------​

Murphy told Quinn that his wife was driving him to drink.
Quinn thinks he's very lucky because his own wife makes him walk.​

---------------------------------------------------------------------​

The late Bishop Sheen stated that the reason the Irish fight so often among themselves is that they're always assured of having a worthy opponent.​

---------------------------------------------------------------------​

An American lawyer asked, "Paddy, why is it that whenever you ask an Irishman a question, he answers with another question?"​

"Who told you that?" asked Paddy.​

--------------------------------------------------------------------- !​

Question - Why are Irish jokes so simple?​

Answer - So the English can understand them.​

--------------------------------------------------------! ------- ------​

Reilly went to trial for armed robbery. The jury foreman came out and announced, "Not guilty."​

"That's grand!" shouted Reilly. "Does that mean I can keep the money?"​

---------------------------------------------------------------------​

Irish lass customer: "Could I be trying on that dress in the window?"​

Shopkeeper: "I'd prefer that you use the dressing room."​

---------------------------------------------------------------------​

Mrs. Feeney shouted from the kitchen, "Is that you I hear spittin' in the vase on the mantle piece?"​

"No," said himself, "but I'm gettin' closer all the time."​

---------------------------------------------------------------------​

Q. What do you call an Irishman who knows how to control a wife?​

A. A bachelor.​

---------------------------------------------------------------------​

Finnegin: My wife has a terrible habit of staying up 'til two o'clock in the morning. I can't break her of it.​

Keenan: What on earth is she doin' at that time?​

Finnegin: Waitin' for me to come home.​

---------------------------------------------------------------------​

Slaney phoned the maternity ward at the hospital.. "Quick!" He said. "Send an ambulance, my wife is goin' to have a baby!"​

"Tell me, is this her first baby?" the intern asked.​

"No, this is her husband, Kevin, speakin'."​

---------------------------------------------------------------------​

"O'Ryan," asked the druggist, "did that mudpack I gave you improve your wife's appearance?"​

"It did surely," replied O'Ryan, "but it keeps fallin' off!"​

---------------------------------------------------------------------​

Did you hear about the Irish newlyweds who sat up all night on
their honeymoon waiting for their sexual relations to arrive?​

---------------------------------------------------------------------
​

My mother wanted me to be a priest. Can you imagine giving up your sex life and then once a week people come in to tell you the details and highlights of theirs?
---------------------------------------------------------------------

An Irishman and an American were sitting in the bar at Shannon Airport.

"I've come to meet my brother," said the Irishman. "He's due to fly in from
America in an hour's time. It's his first trip home in forty years".

"Will you be able to recognize him?" asked the American.

"I'm sure I won't," said the Irishman, "after all, he's been away for a long time".

"I wonder if he'll recognize you?" said the American.

"Of course he will," said the Irishman. "Sure, an' I haven't been away at all".
​

An Irishman and an American were sitting in the bar at Shannon Airport.

"I've come to meet my brother," said the Irishman. "He's due to fly in from
America in an hour's time. It's his first trip home in forty years".

"Will you be able to recognize him?" asked the American.

"I'm sure I won't," said the Irishman, "after all, he's been away for a long time".

"I wonder if he'll recognize you?" said the American.

"Of course he will," said the Irishman. "Sure, an' I haven't been away at all".​

 

[Major]

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company.One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and
Asked, 'Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?'

Father Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's
No tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature.'

Muldoon said, 'I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?'

Father Patrick exclaimed, 'Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?

 

[Major]

A woman was having a passionate affair with an Irish inspector from a pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.

'Quick,' said the woman to the lover, 'into the closet!' and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked.

The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet. 'Who are you?' he asked him.

'I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone,' said the exterminator.
'What are you doing in there?' the husband asked.

'I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths,' the man replied.

'And where are your clothes?' asked the husband.

The man looked down at himself and said, 'Those little coughs! '