A bit of humour

Police Raid in Collingwood


Victoria Police just announced the discovery of an arms cache of 200 semi automatic rifles with 250,000 rounds of ammunition, 10 anti-tank missiles, 4 grenade launchers, 2 tonnes of heroi_, $5 million in forged Australian banknotes and 25 trafficked Filipino prostitutes all in a Housing Commission house behind the Collingwood Public Library.

Local residents were stunned.

A community spokesman said, "We're shocked. We never knew we had a Library!"
 
Second Opinion!

The doctor said, 'Harry, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad
news is that it will require castration.

You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicl_s to press on your
spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicl_s.'

I was shocked and depressed. I wondered if I had anything to live for. I had no
choice but to go under the knife. When I left the hospital, I was without a
headache for the first time in 20 years, but I felt like I was missing an
important part of Myself. As I walked down the street, I realized that I felt
like a different person. I could make a new beginning and live a new life.

I saw a men's clothing store and thought, 'That's what I need... A new suit...'
I entered the shop and told the salesman, 'I'd like a new suit..'
The elderly tailor eyed me briefly and said, 'Let's see... Size 44 long.'
I laughed, 'That's right, how did you know?'
'Been in the business 60 years!' the tailor said.

I tried on the suit it fit perfectly.


As I, admired myself in the mirror, the salesman asked, 'How about a new shirt?'

I thought for a moment and then said, 'Sure.'
The salesman eyed me and said, 'Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.'
I was surprised, 'That's right, how did you know?'
'Been in the business 60 years.'

I tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly.

I walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, 'How about some new underwear?'

I thought for a moment and said, 'Sure.'
The salesman said, 'Let's see... Size 36.
I laughed, 'Ah ha! I got you! I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old.'

The salesman shook his head, 'You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press
your testicl_s up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a
headache.'
 
Three mates are out golfing with the Club Pro.

The first guy tees off and hits a dribbler about 60 yards. He turns to the Pro and says, "Hey mate, what did I do wrong?" - the Pro replies "Loft."

The next guy tees off and hits a hook into straight into the bushes. He asks the Pro "What the hell did I do wrong?" - the Pro replies "Loft."

The third guy tees off and hits a slice straight into a water hazard. He asks the Pro "What did I do wrong?" - the Pro says "Loft."

As they're walking to their balls, the first guy finally speaks up. He says to the Pro "Mate, the three of us hit completely different tee shots and when each of us asked you what we did wrong you gave the same exact answer each time. Anyway, what’s this 'Loft’ you talk about?”

The Pro grunts, "Lack Of ****ing Talent."
 
amaroo said:
Funny, funny, funny:D
Click to expand...

Aaah... that one's made the round a few times, with slightly different images.

It's hard not to laugh in a way, unless you come from a culture which doesn't understand that 'nuke' denotes using the microwave and so on. And given the tensions right now, I wouldn't be tempted to tell that joke to people living around that region. :o
 
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Gloria Eppengellender a secretary, got an expensive pen as a birthday gift from her boss, away from home on a business meeting.
She sent her boss a 'Thank You' note via SMS.

The wife read the text, as some wives do, and angrily showed her husband the message upon his return:

"Your cough wonderful, I enjoyed using it last night. Thanks."

Moral:- Space is essential in every successful married life!
 
A famous inspirational speaker said:

"Best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman, who wasn't my wife."

Audience was in shock and silence.

He added: "She was my mother."
(A big round of plause & laughter)

A very daring husband tried to crack this at home.

After dinner, he said loudly to his wife in the kitchen:
"Best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman, who wasn't my wife"

Standing for a moment, trying to recall the second line of that speaker...
.
.
.
By the time he gained his senses, he was on a hospital bed, recovering from burns of boiling water!

Moral: Don't Copy, if you can't Paste.
 
Old Dr. Carver still made house calls. One afternoon he was called to the Tuttle house. Mrs. Tuttle was in terrible pain. The doctor came out of the bedroom a minute after he`d gone in and asked Mr. Tuttle, "Do you have a hammer?"
A puzzled Mr. Tuttle went to the garage, and returned with a hammer. The doctor thanked him and went back into the bedroom.
A moment later, he came out and asked, "Do you have a chisel?"
Mr. Tuttle complied with the request. In the next ten minutes, Dr. Carver asked for and received a pair of pliers, a screwdriver and a hacksaw. The last request got to Mr. Tuttle.
He asked, "What are you doing to my wife?"
"Not a thing," replied old doc Carver. "I can`t get my instrument bag open."
 
A guy is having a drink in a very dark bar. He leans over to the big woman next to him and says: "Do you want to hear a funny blonde joke?"
The big woman replies: "Well, before you tell me that joke, you should know something. I`m blonde, six feet tall, 210 pounds, and I`m a professional athlete and bodybuilder. Also, the blonde woman sitting next to me is 6 2", weighs 220 pounds and is an ex-professional wrestler. And next to her is a blonde who is 6 5", weighs 245 pounds, and she is a current professional kickboxer. Now, do you still want to tell me that blonde joke?"
The guy thinks about it a second and says: "Nah, not if I`m gonna have to explain it three times."
 
The woman`s husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.
As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?"
"What dear?" She gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.
"I think you`re bad luck."
 
Grandma is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car. She writes:

Dear Grand-daughter,

The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a 'Honk if you love Jesus' bumper sticker ..

I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting..

So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.

Boy, am I glad I did; what an uplifting experience that followed.

I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good he is, and I didn't notice that
the light had changed.

It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed.

I found that lots of people love Jesus!

While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, 'For the love of
God!'

'Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!'

What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!

Everyone started honking!

I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those loving people.

I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!

There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach.

I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air.

I asked my young teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant.

He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.

Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii , so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign right back.

My grandson burst out laughing.

Why even he was enjoying this religious experience!!

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me.

I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed.

So, grinning, I waved at all my brothers and sisters, and drove on through the intersection.

I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to
leave them after all the love we had shared.

So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away.. Praise the
Lord for such wonderful folks!!

Will write again soon,

Love, Grandma
 

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