A bit of humour

[TheEmu]

Grandma is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car. She writes:

Dear Grand-daughter,
…
…
Love, Grandma

Laughing out loud imagining my own Granny…
Thanks for getting the Humour thread back on track!

 

[Foreigner]

During a publicity outing, Hillary sneaked off to visit a fortune-teller of some local repute. In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news.
"There`s no easy way to say this, so I`ll just be blunt: Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."
Visibly shaken, Hillary stared at the woman`s lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands.
She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know. She met the fortuneteller`s gaze, steadied her voice, and asked her question.
"Will I be acquitted?"

 

[Foreigner]

A couple came upon a wishing well. The husband leaned over, made a wish and threw in a penny. The wife decided to make a wish, too. But she leaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned. The husband was stunned for a while but then smiled and said:
"It really works!"

 

[Foreigner]

Wife: Darling, you hate all my relatives.
Husband: "No, I don`t hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law better than I like mine.

 

[Foreigner]

A professor is giving the first year medical students their first lecture on autopsies, and decides to give them a few basics before starting.

"You must be capable of two things to do an autopsy. The first thing is that you must have no sense of fear." At this point, the lecturer sticks his finger into the dead man`s anus, and then licks it. He asks all the students to do the same thing with the corpses in front of them. After a couple of minutes silence, they follow suit.

"The second thing is that you must have an acute sense of observation: I stuck my middle finger into the corpse`s anus, but I licked my index."

 

[amaroo]

Funny - in todays Qweekend

 

[Pukka]

A professor is giving the first year medical students their first lecture on autopsies, and decides to give them a few basics before starting.

"You must be capable of two things to do an autopsy. The first thing is that you must have no sense of fear." At this point, the lecturer sticks his finger into the dead man`s anus, and then licks it. He asks all the students to do the same thing with the corpses in front of them. After a couple of minutes silence, they follow suit.

"The second thing is that you must have an acute sense of observation: I stuck my middle finger into the corpse`s anus, but I licked my index."

.
Lol I've been there

Cutting up bodies is not much fun.

Don't think leaving your body to science is a good thing because its not

 

[TheEmu]

.
Lol I've been there

Hope you licked the right finger!

 

[whatmeworry]

Liberal NBN plan.

 

[Foreigner]

Three old men are talking about their aches, pains and bodily functions.
The 70 year old man says, "I have this problem. I wake up every morning at seven and it takes me twenty minutes to pee."
The 80 year old man says, "My case is worse. I get up at eight and I sit there and grunt and groan for half an hour before I finally have a bowel movement."
The 90 year old man says, "At seven I pee like a horse, and at eight I cough like a cow."
"So what`s your problem?" ask the others.
"I don t wake up until nine!"

 

[Foreigner]

At the hospital, there was a man laying in the emergency room, the doctor opened the door and walked toward the man.
Man said, `Will I be ok, Doctor?"
The doctor turned to him and said, "Well there is good and bad news."
"Tell me the bad news", said the man.
"Well," said the doctor, "the bad news is that we are going to cut both your legs off."
"Oh my god," said the man, "What the hell is the good news?"
"The good news is," said the doctor, "see that man over there, he wants to buy your shoes."

 

[Foreigner]

One beautiful Sunday morning, a minister announced to his congregation: "My good people, I have here in my hands three sermons, a $100 sermon that lasts five minutes, a $50 sermon that lasts fifteen minutes, and a $10 sermon that lasts a full hour.
Now, we will take the collection and see which one I will deliver."

 

[Foreigner]

In his autobiography, "Treasure in clay", Bishop Fulton Sheen tells of getting lost in Philadelphia on his way to a lecture at the Town Hall.
"I stopped to ask a few boys for directions. They told me where the Town Hall was and then asked, What are you going to do there?"
Bishop said, "I am giving a lecture on heaven and how to get there. Would you like to come and find out?"
"You're kidding," one boy said. "You don t even know the way to the Town Hall."

 

[Foreigner]

A man realized he needed to purchase a hearing aid, but he felt unwilling to spend much money.

"How much do they cost?" he asked the clerk.

"That depends," said the salesman. "They run from $2 to $2,000."

"Let's see the $2 model," he said.

The clerk put the device around the man's neck, "You just stick this piece of plastic in your ear and run this little string down into your pocket," he instructed.

"How does it work?" the customer asked.

"For $2, it doesn't work," the salesman replied. "But when people see it on you, they'll talk louder."

 

[Foreigner]

A newly appointed health minister of a northern state whose knowledge of English was somewhat elementary was on his first official visit to the largest hospital in the capital.

The Director of Medical Services took the minister round the operating theaters and general wards till they came to the women patients' section.

'This, sir, is the labour ward,' explained the director.

The minister stopped in his tracks and said firmly, 'I will not visit this ward. Don't you know we have a labour minister in the government? I must not trespass into his domain.'

 

[Major]

Subject: LOGIC OF A BEER DRINKER

DIALOGUE BETWEEN A LADY INTERVIEWER WITH A MALE BEER
DRINKER:

Lady Interviewer: Do you drink every day?

Man: Yes.

Lady Interviewer: How much a day?

Man: Around 3 six-packs starting at noon.

Lady Interviewer: How much does a 6-pack cost?

Man: Roughly $10.00 at a deli.

Lady Interviewer: And how long have you been drinking like that?

Man: 15 years.

Lady Interviewer: So with a six-pack costing $10.00, and you consuming 3
six-packs a day, you are spending roughly
$900 each month. In one year, you would then be spending $10,800, correct?

Man: Correct.

Lady Interviewer: If in 1 year you spend $10,800 on beer, not accounting for
inflation, 15 years puts your spending roughly $162,000; correct?

Man: Correct.

Lady Interviewer: Did it ever occur to you that if you did not drink for the
last 15 years, you could have bought a Ferrari?

Man: Do you drink?

Lady Interviewer: No.

Man: So where's your Ferrari?

 

[Foreigner]

A professor at Wayne State University in Detroit was giving a lecture on Paranormal Studies
To get a feel for his audience, he asks, "How many people here believe in ghosts?"

About 90 students raise their hands.

"Well, that's a good start. Out of those who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?"

About 40 students raise their hands.

"That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?"

About 15 students raise their hand.

"Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?"

Three students raise their hands.

"That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further...Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?"

Way in the back, Hamad raises his hand.

The professor takes off his glasses and says, "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience."

The Middle Eastern student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium. When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, "So, Hamad , tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?"

Hamad replied, "cough, from way back there I thought you said Goats."

 

[HappyTraveler]

Woman standing in front of the mirror complains to her husband:
- I look ugly. At least you tell me any compliment!
- Your vision is perfect!

 

[Major]

Bubba had shingles.
Those of us who spend much time in a doctor's office should appreciate this! Doesn't it seem more and more that physicians are running their practices like an assembly line?
Here's what happened to Bubba:

Bubba walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had. Bubba said: 'Shingles.' So she wrote down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.

Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked Bubba what he had...
Bubba said, 'Shingles.' So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told Bubba to wait in the examining room.

A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said, 'Shingles..' So the nurse gave Bubba a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told Bubba to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.


An hour later the doctor came in and found Bubba sitting patiently in the nude and asked Bubba what he had.


Bubba said, 'Shingles.' The doctor asked, 'Where?'
Bubba said, 'Outside on the truck. Where do you want me to unload 'em??'

 

[drron]

The economy made easy-

SOCIALISM

You have 2 cows.

You give one to your neighbour.



COMMUNISM

You have 2 cows

The State takes both and gives you some milk.



FASCISM

You have 2 cows.

The State takes both and sells you some milk.



BUREAUCRATISM

You have 2 cows.

The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other and then throws the milk away.



TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM

You have two cows.

You sell one and buy a bull.

Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.

You sell them and retire on the income.



VENTURE CAPITALISM

You have two cows.

You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows.

The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company.

The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more.



AN AMERICAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.

Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow has died.



A FRENCH CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You go on strike, organize a riot, and block the roads, because you want three cows.



AN ITALIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows, but you do not know where they are.

You decide to have lunch.



A SWISS CORPORATION

You have 5,000 cows. None of them belong to you.

You charge the owners for storing them.



A CHINESE CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You have 300 people milking them.

You claim that you have full employment and high bovine productivity.

You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.



AN INDIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You worship them.



A BRITISH CORPORATION

You have two cows.

Both are mad.



AN IRAQI CORPORATION

Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.

You tell them that you have none.

Nobody believes you, so they bomb the cough out of you and invade your country.

You still have no cows but at least you are now a Democracy.



AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.

Business seems pretty good.

You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.



A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION

You have two cows.

The one on the left looks very attractive.



A GREEK CORPORATION

You have two cows borrowed from French and German banks.

You eat both of them.

The banks call to collect their milk, but you cannot deliver so you call the IMF.

The IMF loans you two cows.

You eat both of them.

The banks and the IMF call to collect their cows/milk.

You are out getting a haircut.



AN IRISH CORPORATION
You have two cows
One of them's a horse!