A bit of humour

[Major]

An elderly man was stopped by the police around 2 AM and was asked
where he was going at that time of night.

The man replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the
effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking, and staying out late."

The officer then asked, "Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of
night?"

The man replied, "That would be my wife."

 

[JohnM]

Apologies if this has appeared previously.


These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
_______________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
_________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you ****ting me?
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral...
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?

______________________________________
And last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

 

[anat0l]

At the only Chinese restaurant in the most redneck town you can think of...

Chinese patron: "All the tables here are set with forks and knives. Where are the chopsticks?"
Waiter: "There are no chopsticks."
Patron: "But you're a Chinese restaurant. You must have chopsticks!"
Waiter: "No chopsticks."
Patron: "If you set chopsticks instead of forks and knives, you can save a lot of time in washing up."
Waiter: "Very true, but then we spend three times as long cleaning up the mess!"

 

[anat0l]

What is the difference between God and a surgeon?


God doesn't think he's a surgeon.

 

[QF WP]

A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards ..
The little boy asked why he wore his collar backwards .
The man, who was a priest, said, " I am a Father . ."
The little boy replied, "My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that."
The priest looked up from his book and answered, "I am the Father of many .
The boy said, "My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way!"
The priest, getting impatient, said . "I am the Father of hundreds", and went back to reading his book.
The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said, "Maybe you should wear a condom, and put your pants on backwards instead of your collar."

 

[QF WP]

The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon "quickie " with their 8-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Popsicle and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities...

"There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he shouted.
He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation:
... "An ambulance just drove by!"
"Looks like the Andersons have company," he called out.
"Matt's riding a new bike!"
"Looks like the Sanders are moving!"
"Jason is on his skate board!"
After a few moments he announced...
"The Coopers are having sex!"
Startled, his mother and dad shot up in bed.
Dad cautiously called out...
"How do you know they're having sex?"
"Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Popsicle."

 

[Foreigner]

A boy began dating a pretty Christian Fundamentalist and was keen to find out more about her religion.

So he went to see the church elder, "Tell me," said the boy, "does your religion allow me to drink cofee?"

"No," replied the elder, "Coffee beans are treated to enhance their flavour, so we do not consider coffee to be completely natural. We will not permit anything that is not natural."

"What about tea?"

"Tea is fine."

The boy had more questions, "What is the view on dancing?"

"We do not permit dancing." replied the elder. "It is unnatural."

"What about sex?"

"Yes, sex is permissible as long as it is between two people who are married."

"What about kinky sex?"

"It depends what you mean by kinky sex."

"Well," said the boy, "I was thinking of different positions, like standing up." "No, it could lead to dancing."

 

[Foreigner]

There are these three girls and their boyfriends all have the same name. So in order to keep them from getting confused, they decided to give their boyfriends nicknames.

So they asked the first girl what she called her boyfriend.

And she says, "I call my man 7-up."

They ask her," Why do you call your man that?"

She says, "Because he's seven inches long and is always up."

They ask the second girl what she calls her man.

She says, "I call my man Mountain Dew."

They ask, "Why do you call your man that?"

She says, "Because he likes to Mount me and to Do me."

They ask the third girl the same thing and she says, "I like to call my man Johnnie Walker."

They look at her puzzled and say, "Why do you call your man that? Johnnie Walker is a Hard Liquor."

She says, "Exactly."

 

[Foreigner]

Smith went on a date in a brand new Range Rovers Sport ride with his new girlfriend of 1 month....

Smith: I have been hiding a secret from you and I think you'll break up with me if I tell you the truth.

Girl : What is that my love ?

Smith: Am already married and have 3 kids....

Girl: (Pat him on the lap and hissed) You scared a Hell out of me... I thought you wanted to say this beautiful car is not yours....

 

[Foreigner]

There was this small church in Texas that had a very big-busted organist. Her breasts were so huge that they bounced and jiggled while she played the organ. Unfortunately, she distracted the congregation considerably.

The very proper church ladies were appalled. They said something had to be done about this or they would have to get another organist.

So, one of the ladies approached her very discreetly and told her to mash up some green persimmons and rub them on the nipples of her breasts and they would shrink in size, but warned her to not eat any of the green persimmons, 'because they are so sour they will make your mouth pucker up and you won't be able to talk properly for awhile'.

She agreed to try it.

The following Sunday morning the minister got up on the pulpit and said....

'Dew to thircumsthanthis bewond my contwol, we will not hath a thermon tewday.'

 

[Major]

This was written by a black gentleman in Texas . What a great sense of humor
And creativity!!!

When U Black, U Black
When I was born, I was BLACK ,
When I grew up, I was BLACK ,
When I go in the sun, I stay BLACK,
When I get cold, I am BLACK ,
When I am scared, I am BLACK ,
When I am sick, I am BLACK ,
And when I die, I'll still be BLACK ..


NOW, You 'white' folks.....

When you're born, you're PINK ,
When you grow-up, you're WHITE ,
When you go in the sun, you get RED ,
When you're cold, you turn BLUE ,
When you're scared, you're YELLOW ,
When you get sick, you're GREEN ,
When you bruise, you turn PURPLE ,
And when you die, you look GREY .

So who y'all be callin'

CO L O U R E D Folks?

 

[Foreigner]

A young man was so paranoid about the size of his cough that he could never work up the courage to have sex. Then one day he fell in love with a nurse.

One fine evening, they went back to her place. She put on some soft music and led him into the bedroom. Totally mortified, he told her of his problem.

"Don't worry," She said. "I'm a nurse. I won't laugh."

Blushing the man drops his trousers.

"It's OK," she said. "I've seen lots smaller than that."

"Really?" the relieved man asked.

She nodded. "Yes," she chuckled, "I used to work in the maternity unit."

 

[Foreigner]

A Scottish man was taking a stroll down a country lane, where he meets up with a curious lady.

She walks up to him and says, "They tell me that you people don't wear anything under those kilts."

The Scotsman says, "Feel and see for yourself."

So she did and says, "Oh, that's gruesome!"

He says, "Try it again, it grew some more"

 

[get me outta here]

At the cash register of the store, the young cashier suggested to the older woman that she should bring her own shopping bags because plastic bags weren't good for the environment.

The woman apologized and explained, "We didn't have this green thing back in my earlier days."

The cashier responded, "That's our problem today. Your generation did not care enough to save our environment for future generations. You didn't have the green thing."

She was right -- our generation didn't have the green thing in its day.

Back then, we returned milk bottles, soft drink bottles and beer bottles to the store. The store sent them back to the plant to be washed and sterilized and refilled, so it could use the same bottles over and over. So they really were recycling. We refilled writing pens with ink instead of buying a new pen, and we replaced the razor blades in a razor instead of throwing away the whole razor just because the blade got dull.

But we didn't have the green thing back in our day.

We walked up stairs, because we didn't have an escalator in every shop and office building. We walked to the grocery store and didn't climb into a 300-horsepower machine every time we had to go two blocks.

But she was right. We didn't have the green thing in our day.

Back then, we washed the baby's nappies because we didn't have the throw-away kind. We dried clothes on a line, not in an energy gobbling machine burning up 220 volts -- wind and solar power really did dry our clothes back in our early days. Kids got hand-me-down clothes from their brothers or sisters, not always brand-new clothing.

But that young lady is right. We didn't have the green thing back in our day.

Back then, we had one TV, or radio, in the house -- not a TV in every room. And the TV had a small screen the size of a handkerchief, not a screen the size of the Melbourne Cricket Ground. In the kitchen, we blended and stirred by hand because we didn't have electric machines to do everything for us. When we packaged a fragile item to send in the post, we used wrapped up old newspapers to cushion it, not Styrofoam or plastic bubble wrap. Back then, we didn't fire up an engine and burn petrol just to cut the lawn. We used a push mower that ran on human power. We exercised by working so we didn't need to go to a health club to run on treadmills that operate on electricity.

But she's right. We didn't have the green thing back then.

We drank water from a tap when we were thirsty instead of demanding a plastic bottle flown in from another country. We accepted that a lot of food was seasonal and didn't expect that to be trucked in or flown thousands of air miles. We actually cooked food that didn't come out of a packet, tin or plastic wrap and we could even wash our own vegetables and chop our own salad.

But we didn't have the green thing back then.

Back then, city people took the tram or a bus, and kids rode their bikes to school or walked instead of turning their mothers into a 24-hour taxi service. We had one electrical outlet in a room, not an entire bank of sockets to power a dozen appliances. And we didn't need a computerized gadget to receive a signal beamed from satellites 2,000 miles out in space in order to find the nearest pizza joint.

But isn't it sad the current generation laments how wasteful we old folks were just because we didn't have the green thing back then?

Please forward this on to another selfish old person who needs a lesson in conservation from a young person.

Remember:

Don't make old people mad. We don't like being old in the first place, so it doesn't take much to piss us off.

 

[Major]

Two Aussies, Ferret and Knackers, were adrift in a lifeboat. While rummaging through

the boat's provisions Ferret stumbled across an old lamp. He rubbed it vigorously, sure enough out popped a genie.

This genie, however, was a little different. He stated he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three. Without giving much thought, Ferret blurted out, "Turn the entire ocean into beer. Make that Victoria Bitter!"

The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the sea turned into that hard-earned thirst quencher. The genie vanished.

Only the gentle lapping of beer on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances. Knackers looked disgustedly at Ferret whose wish it was had been granted.

After a long, tension-filled moment Knackers said, "Nice going! Now we're going to have to p!ss in the boat."

 

[codash1099]

[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] In a tiny village on the Irish coast lived an old lady, a virgin and very
proud of it. Sensing that her final days were rapidly approaching, and
desiring to make sure everything was in proper order when she dies, she went
to the town's undertaker (who also happened to be the local postal clerk)
to make the proper "final" arrangements. As a last wish, she informed the
undertaker that she wanted the following inscription engraved on her
tombstone:

"BORN A VIRGIN, LIVED AS A VIRGIN, DIED A VIRGIN"

Not long after, the old maid died peacefully. A few days after the funeral,
as the undertaker-- postal clerk went to prepare the tombstone that the lady
had requested, it became quite apparent that the tombstone that she had
selected was much too small for the wording that she had chosen.

He thought long and hard about how he could fulfil the old maid's final
request, considering the very limited space available on the small piece of
stone. For days, he agonized over the dilemma.

But finally his experience as a postal worker allowed him to come up with
what he thought was the appropriate solution to the problem. The virgin's
tombstone was finally completed and duly engraved, and it read as follows:

"RETURNED UNOPENED"[/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]

 

[Major]

All arrivals in heaven have to go through a bureaucratic examination to determine whether admission will be granted.. One room has a clerk who inputs computerized records of what each applicant did on his or her last day of life.

The first applicant of the day explains that his last day was not a good one. "I came home early and found my wife lying naked in bed. She claimed she had just gotten out of the shower. Well, her hair was dry and I checked the shower and it was completely dry too. I knew she was into some hanky-panky and I began to look for her perpetrator. I went onto the balcony of our 9th floor apartment and found the SOB clinging to the rail by his finger tips. I was so angry that I began bashing his fingers with a flower pot. He let go and fell, but his fall was broken by some awnings and bushes. On seeing he was still alive I found super human strength to drag our antique cedar chest to the balcony and throw it over. It hit the man and killed him. At this point the stress got to me and I suffered a massive heart attack and died." The clerk thanked him and sent him on to the next office.

The second applicant said that his last day was his worst. "I was on the roof of an apartment building working on the Air Con equipment.. I stumbled
over my tools and toppled off the building. I managed to grab onto the balcony rail of a 9th floor apartment but some idiot came rushing out
on the balcony and bashed my hands with a flower pot. I fell but hit some awnings and bushes and survived, but as I looked up I saw a huge
chest falling toward me. I tried to crawl out of the way but failed and was hit and killed by the chest."

The third customer of the day enters. The arrivals clerk says, "I doubt that your last day was as interesting as the fellow in here just before you."
"I don't know" replies the man, "picture this, I'm buck naked hiding in this cedar chest....."

 

[Major]

The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a
short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking
location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was
with some amusement that we listened to the following exchange between
Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.

Speedbird 206: " Frankfurt, Speedbird 206! clear of active runway."

Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven.."

The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.

Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"

Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."

Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been
to Frankfurt before?"

Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, -- And I
didn't land."

 

[QF WP]

2 Irishmen visited London and walked about to see the sights.
As they passed by one shop front, they stopped at the amazing offers there
written on the window. Suits 5 Pounds, shirts 2 Pounds, trousers 2 pounds.
So Paddy said to Shaun lets go in and buy a lot of them, but let me do the talking.
So putting on his best British accent Paddy asked to buy 100 suits, 50 shirts and 50pairs of trousers.
The salesman looked at them both and said: " You are Irish aren't you" ?
So what said Paddy ?
Because this is a dry cleaners !

 

[whatmeworry]

[h=5]Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly.

[/h]