A bit of humour

[Major]

A woman stopped by, unannounced, at her son's house.
She knocked on the door then immediately walked in.

She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked.
Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.

"What are you doing?!" she asked.

"I'm waiting for Mike to come home from work," the daughter-in- law answered.

"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.

"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.

"Love dress? But you're naked!"

"Mike loves me and wants me to wear this dress," she explained." It excites him to no end.
Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end.
He can't get enough of me"

The mother-in-law left.

When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights,
put on a romantic CD, and lay on the couch, waiting for her husband to arrive
Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her lying there so provocatively.

"What are you doing?" he asked.

"This is my love dress," she whispered sensually.

"Needs ironing," he said. "What's for dinner?

He never heard the gunshot.

 

[Foreigner]

A man frantically calls the hotel desk from his room on the 11th floor.

"Please come quick I'm having an arguement with my wife and she says she's going to jump out the hotel window."

The hotel manager replies, "Sir I'm afraid that's a domestic matter and the hotel and it's staff are obligated to not interfere."

The husband responds, "Like hell it's a domestic matter! This damn window won't open, and that sir is a hotel maintenance problem."

 

[Foreigner]

The huge college freshman decided to try out for the football team.

"Can you tackle?" asked the coach.

"Watch this," said the freshman, who proceeded to run smack into a telephone pole, shattering it to splinters.

"Wow," said the coach. "I'm impressed. Can you run?"

"Of course I can run," said the freshman.

He was off like a shot, and, in just over nine seconds, he had run a hundred yard dash.

"Great!" enthused the coach. "But can you pass a football?"

The freshman hesitated for a few seconds, "Well, sir," he said, "if I can swallow it, I can probably pass it."

 

[Foreigner]

An American attorney had just finished a guest lecture at a law school in Italy when an Italian lawyer approached him and asked, "Is it true that a person can fall down on a sidewalk in your country and then sue the landowners for lots of money?"

Told that it was true, the lawyer turned to his partner and started speaking rapidly in Italian.

When they stopped, the American attorney asked if they wanted to go to America to practice law.

"No, no," one replied. "We want to go to America and fall down on sidewalks."

 

[Major]

The Nail


Maggie, a blonde city girl, marries a dairy farmer.

One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, farmer John says to Maggie, 'The insemination man
is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today. I banged a nail into the beam above the cow's stall
in the barn. You show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?'

After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives. Maggie takes him down to the barn.
They walk along the row of cows and when she sees the nail, she tells him, 'This is the one... right here.'

Terribly impressed by the efficiency of what he thought was just another ditzy blonde, the man asks,

'Tell me lady, how did you know this is the cow to be inseminated?'

'That's simple, by the nail over its stall', Maggie explains very confidently.

Then the man asks, 'What's the nail for?'
She turns , and with complete confidence, says, .......


'I guess it's where you hang your trousers.'

 

[Major]

I wish this could have happened to a bloke in the lounge the other day

After a tiring day, a commuter settled down in her seat and closed her eyes.
As the train rolled out of the station, the guy sitting next to her pulled out his phone and started talking in a loud voice:"Hi sweetheart. It’s Eric. I'm on the train. Yes, I know it's the six thirty and not four thirty, but I had a long meeting.
No, honey, not with that blonde from the accounts office.
It was with the boss.
No sweetheart, you're the only one in my life.
Yes, I'm sure, cross my heart."
Fifteen minutes later, he was still talking loudly.
The young woman sitting next to him had enough and she leaned over and said into the phone,
"Eric, hang up the phone and come back to bed."
Eric doesn't use his mobile phone in public any longer.

 

[whatmeworry]

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[TD="width: 100%"]Sixteen Logical Reasons Why Men Have Dogs And Not Wives:




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[TD="width: 72%"]1. The later you are, the more
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[TD]2. Dogs don't notice if you call them
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[TD]3. Dogs like it if you leave lots
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[TD]4. Dogs' parents never visit.







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[TD]5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.







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[TD]6. You never have to wait for a dog;they're ready to go, instantly, 24 hours a day.







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[TD]7. Dogs find you amusing when you're pissed.







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[TD]8. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.







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[TD]9. Dogs won't wake you up at night to ask: "If I died, would you get another dog?"







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[TD]10. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and sell 'em.







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[TD="width: 99%"]11. When you drop a silent one,dogs don't run around frantically with room spray.







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[TD="width: 72%"]13. Dogs never tell you to stop scratching your balls. Instead, they sit pondering why you don't lick 'em.







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[TD]14. Dogs will let you put a studded collaron, without calling you a pervert.







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[TD]15. If a dog smells another dog on you,it won't kick you in the crotch; it justfinds it interesting.







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[TD="colspan: 2"]And last, but not least:







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[TD]16. If a dog runs off and leaves you, it won't take half your stuff.







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To verify these statements:Lock your wife and your dog in the garage for an hour.Then open the door, and observe who's happy to see you!






















































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[Hvr]

So what was number 12?

 

[Foreigner]

Jill and Pam applied for a single position at a company, and both were given a written exam to determine their qualifications.
When the exams were scored, it was found that both applicants missed only one question. The hiring manager told Jill, "Thank you, but I`ve decided to go with the other candidate."
"What?" cried Jill. "You said we both got nine out of ten questions correct! It`s because I`m a blonde, isn`t it? This is discrimination! You people are going to have a lawsuit on your hands!"
"Not at all," the manager said calmly. "I based my decision on the nature of each incorrect response."
"And how can one wrong answer be any worse than another?," the indignant Jill demanded.
"Simple," said the manager. "Pam answered question five with, `I don`t know.` You put down `Neither do I.`"

 

[Foreigner]

A guy walks into a shoe store and asks for a pair of shoes, size 8. The obviously well trained salesman says, "But sir, you take an 11 or eleven-and-a-half."
"Just bring me a size eight."
The sales guy brings them, and the man stuffs his feet into them and stands up in obvious pain. He turns to the salesman and says, "I`ve lost my house to the I.R.S., I live with my mother-in-law, my daughter ran off with my best friend, my business has filed Chapter 11, and my son just told me he was gay. The only pleasure I have left is to come home at night and take my shoes off."

 

[Foreigner]

The Walton`s invited their new neighbors over to dinner. During dinner Mr. Walton was asked what he did for a living.
Eight years old Brian Walton jumped in and said, "Daddy is a fisherman!"
To which Mrs. Walton replied, "Brian, why do say that. Your daddy is a stockbroker, not a fisherman."
"No mom. Every time we visit dad at work and he hangs up the phone he laughs, rubs his hands together and says 'I just caught another fish.'"

 

[Foreigner]

"What flavors of ice cream do you have?" inquired the customer.
"Vanilla, strawberry, and chocolate," answered the new waitress in a hoarse whisper.
Trying to be sympathetic, the customer asked, "Do you have laryngitis?"
"No...." replied the new waitress with some effort, "just...erm.... vanilla, strawberry, and chocolate."

 

[QF WP]

FIRST BOOK OF GOVERNMENT

Julia is the shepherd I did not want.

She leadeth me beside the still factories.

She restoreth my faith in the Liberal party.

She guideth me in the path of unemployment for her party's sake.

Yea, though I walk through the valley of the bread line

I shall fear no hunger for her bailouts are with me.

She has annointed my income with taxes

My expenses runneth over.

Surely, poverty and hard living will follow me all the days of my life.

And I will live in a rented home forever.

I am glad I am Australian.
I am glad that I am free.
But I wish I was a big dog
And Julia was a tree.

AMEN!!

 

[codash1099]

FIRST BOOK OF GOVERNMENT

Julia is the shepherd I did not want.

She leadeth me beside the still factories.

She restoreth my faith in the Liberal party.

She guideth me in the path of unemployment for her party's sake.

Yea, though I walk through the valley of the bread line

I shall fear no hunger for her bailouts are with me.

She has annointed my income with taxes

My expenses runneth over.

Surely, poverty and hard living will follow me all the days of my life.

And I will live in a rented home forever.

I am glad I am Australian.
I am glad that I am free.
But I wish I was a big dog
And Julia was a tree.

AMEN!!

First time I saw this is was "Gough is my shepherd". Things don't change much do they?

 

[Hvr]

First time I saw this is was "Gough is my shepherd". Things don't change much do they?

You're right, Liberal hatred and spewing of bile goes on forever regardless of the facts.

 

[Deleted member]

First time I saw this is was "Gough is my shepherd". Things don't change much do they?

Yep. Same dog , different tree

 

[amaroo]

Yep. Same dog , different tree

Shouldn't that be the same tree - different dog

 

[TheEmu]

Same day that Joe loses his job, he notices that the gorilla at the zoo has died. The gorilla was the zoo's most popular exhibit. This gives him an idea - he goes to the head zoo keeper and says "Your gorilla has died, I've got a gorilla suit, I'll get in the gorilla enclosure in my gorilla suit - I'll work free the first week but if I keep the crowds coming, you start paying me." Well the zoo keeper had nothing to lose so he says ok. So Joe gets into his gorilla suit and gets into the enclosure. The crowds love the new gorilla and Joe is having fun running around grunting and scratching like a gorilla, swinging on the ropes and doing all kinds of gorilla stuff. Next to the gorilla enclosure is the lion enclosure...so Joe starts swinging on his rope, way out over the lion going "uh-uh-uh". The lion jumps up roaring, trying to get him. This continues for a while and the lion gets madder and madder, roaring louder and louder, jumping higher and higher. Then, the rope breaks ! Joe falls down in front of the lion! He jumps up yelling "Help! Help!" The lion says "Shut up you fool, we'll both lose our jobs!"

 

[whatmeworry]

So what was number 12?

Checked the email but 12 was missing...

 

[whatmeworry]

The Picture That Will Stay With Her For The Rest Of Her Life

Make-up and Hair style .............$500.00

New Dress for the show............$700.00
Giant Stuffed Bear......................$300.00





Not knowing how to hold the bear with a microphone in your hand .......... Priceless!



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